TW: Body image, Weight

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑵𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 6
Differences

"I'll be back!" I tried to sing but it was no use, my voice wasn't meant to be singing.

Why should I be an idol when I can't even sing?

"Alaska, I think you can run through another set of warm ups." Jisung came up to me as the other girls sang their parts effortlessly.

"Just say it already! I'm hopeless!" I sighed as I dove into the couch.

The camera man picked up on my actions and pointed the camera in my direction, great the audience will see how hopeless I've become.

"You're not bad, you just need to open up your throat a bit more. You can rap right? Try doing the rap part in the song and that'll help open up your voice." Jisung advised and handed me the sheet of the rap lyrics.

"I can't perfect the rap in korean, I would need to rewrite it—"

"Then do it." Jisung cut me off. "Rewrite it in english so it'll make it flow easier for you."

"Really?" I asked and got up, taking the sheets from him. "I have the power to do that?"

"Alaska, there's 15 girls in here that will fight to get your spot. You have so much potential even Felix and JYP PD-nim sees it, surprise everyone. Come up with a rap that'll blow them away, they won't see it coming." He smirks and then goes up to the other girls to inspect their vocals; the cameraman following him as well.

"So, what were you guys talking about?" Felix asked as he walked up to me with a curious look.

"Just secret spy stuff, you know the usual." I teased as I sat down and began to brainstorm new lyrics.

"Spy stuff? You're doing illegal things without me? I thought I was your partner in crime." Felix pouted as he took a seat next to me.

"Of course you are! But only in the streets, right now we're in the company building which means I have to swap out my partners or else we'll get caught." I replied with a huge smile.

Felix smiled wide as he took a look at the lyric sheet before gasping. "Alaska! You're going to rap it in english?"

"Damn it Felix, keep it down will you?" I sighed and playfully punched him.

"Ouch! My bad, it just sounds so exciting!" Felix shrieked quietly and clapped his hands in tiny.

"It does but what if JYP doesn't like it?" I questioned and buried my hands into my face. "I'll ruin it for our team."

"Nah, listen Alaska I know that JYP sees potential in you. You have to stand out to win your spot not blend in, you have to show him that you think outside the box." Felix wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"Ugh, okay." I rolled my eyes and playfully shoved Felix back.

"Okay, now let go of the lyric sheet because we're reviewing your dance. I hope you all improved." Felix got up and motioned for you to follow.

Oh crud, well maybe I've improved from last time?

• • •

"Alaska! We finally did it!" Yuna jumped up and down as the cameraman left the room.

"We really did." I smiled fondly and see Nina pull us into a group hug.

We actually did the choreography pretty good, Jisung and Felix complimented us a lot and did help us tweak a little part in the dance but other than that we did really good.

I hope that when we perform in 2 days we can still hold that advantage, I'm glad we got to practice more longer. I don't think anything has ever mattered to me more than this moment.

"Let's go eat at the cafeteria!" Nina suggested as we pulled away.

"I'll catch up with you guys later actually, I want to get some fresh air." I smiled at the girls as they nodded and left the room.

I sighed in disappointment, I might as well head to the rooftop and chill there since I can't wander the streets alone. My social anxiety is really eating me up right now.

• • •

I finally made it to the rooftop which was beautiful but there was also too many plants in the way. I decided to sit on the bench next to the ledge and stare at the cars passing by. The rooftop was very high and thankfully I'm not afraid of heights, that reminds me... Oh! Minho and Jisung were afraid of heights!

Wow, it's been a whole minute since I checked up on Stray Kids. They used to be my favorite group before but it seems as if I'm too busy to keep up with them. I'm going to miss seeing them as a hardcore fan, but maybe it won't be so bad? I mean Seungmin is a huge myday so what's the harm of me being a huge stay?

"Hey, why didn't you come eat?" You whipped your head fast and see Felix staring at you with soft eyes. "I've been standing here for a few seconds, you look bothered."

"Oh it's nothing." I smiled. "Just a little nervous."

"Nervous? Sounds normal, but you seem more lost in thought.. You can tell me why you feel nervous." Felix sat next to me.

"Um.... Well..." I looked down at my hands and began to play with them. How do I tell him that I felt a bit more insecure now?

"Alaska." Felix put his hands on my hands and held them softly. "You haven't been eating."

"I— I just feel like I need to be quicker, I want to be skinnier and be able to dance better. I see Momo being an amazing dancer and she has an amazing body as well! But look at me, I don't have abs or a flat stomach. Her legs look really strong and mines look weak." I explained and kept staring at our hands touching.

"Bubby, you don't have to look like any certain idol. If you're worried about not getting in because maybe JYP will look at your weight, I can asure you that I'll put in a good word about you." Felix started.

"Lix, I don't want you doing that for me though. Isn't that like cheating?" I interrupted him and looked up at his puppy eyes.

"No." Felix chuckled and stared into my eyes with genuine. "I observed many traits about you, JYP once said that maybe his artists don't hold the best skills or talent but one thing for sure is that his artists will always have the best personalities. And you belong here."

"Really? Like you're not just saying that?" I asked with a small smile.

"Bubs, you have a small tummy but that's because you're barely a trainee. You have so much more to go and you're still very young, you're not overweight and you have a beautiful body. And even if you gain weight its not the end of the world, every body is different and you should love your body because your body loves you so much. Please be kind to your body." Felix smiled and pulled me into a hug.

It felt nice, and it was then that I noticed what he called me. Bubby? That's cute.

I really value what Felix and I have, I hope this friendship doesn't go down the drain even if I don't debut. I think Felix is genuinely one of the only people I can trust here.

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Author's Note

Hey everyone! I hope you are enjoying the story so far, I know this topic is serious so I hope this topic doesn't concern you too much. I want to remind y'all that you should love your body! It doesn't matter whether your weight differs, Alaska wanted a more slumber body because idols have a reputation (especially female idols) for a flat stomach and abs. Itzy has definitely broke that standard and I think idols need to eat more healthy, I understand as a dancer to dance way better and quicker you do need to be a certain weight (again it differs from everyone person). You are not an idol, you are you. So please love your body because your body loves you so much!

-Liv