𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑵𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 47
"I'm still not over it."

“Hello!” I waved at the phone. “Im Alaska!” 

People joined the live and I managed to get around 90,000 viewers in the first 5 minutes, it was crazy! I know it may not be a lot but it’s still better than anything, I hope I didn’t get bad comments.

“I’m with Yuna, Ash, and Nina.” I smiled as they walked into the frame of the phone. 

“We’re in America!” Nina screamed and clapped her hands. 

Yuna laughed as she said something to Nina in korean. 

“Alaska, you finally opened an instagram.” I read out loud. “Yes! I’ve had it for some time but I privated it and also deleted all the posts.” 

“Isn’t Yuna and Nina supposed to be in Korea?” I read another comment.

“Nah, we came to visit Alaska.” Nina snorted. “But we will be back at Pnation soon.”

“Are you joining Pnation, Alaska? How’s it like at JYP? Why aren’t you in Korea or JYP?” I read the long comment which made me sigh deeply.

“For those who support me I want to say a few things, no hate to anyone but I want to tell my story.” I started. “I don’t have proof but only what my friends or other trainees have told me while being at you know what company.”

I looked at my friends with a uncertain look on my face, I was nervous to tell my side of the story. 

“I left that company and came back to America. You all probably know by now the photo that went around and I’m sorry that a lot of people misinterpreted the photo. Whether the photo is real or fake is something I can’t share on because of legal reasons but I have more freedom now. I didn’t mean for the relationship between Felix and I to look unprofessional but he was a good friend to me when I started training in Korea. I know a lot of people hate me right now because of that photo but I am here to say that the clips of me and Felix were never intended to be unprofessional.”  I explained. “But I will say some people in a certain company are not who you may think they are, not all idols are humble and caring. I thought I could trust people who are meant to be there for me but in the end I was betrayed and casted aside.” 

The comments were all sorts of reactions I was scared to face, but it’s now or never and maybe someday I would tell the truth of what happened that night. 

But no one really truly know what happened unless I talked, I’m sure no one else who was there will. 

“I am happy that I got away when I had the chance, it’s very toxic.” I reassured. “So for those who are worried about my departure I will let you know right now that I’m a lot more happier now.”

“Alaska, you’re such a liar- Oh shut it! Y’all are so mean to be judging this situation as if you were in this situation as well!” Ash scoffed. 

“I think that the thing about kpop fans is that you will always expect the best from idols and companies, you have this idea that they’re angels when in reality not all of them are. I’ve met some really humble and nice idols and trust me Chan is one of them.” Nina said. “But there’s other idols that genuinely can be really weird and horrible to those around them, just don’t give in to all of the kindness shown on camera guys.”

“Now, enough of that! Guys we are at an amusement park!” I brought the phone to the air and show off the park. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

“And find cute boys,” Ash wiggled their eyebrows at me.

“NO boys!” I groaned as I switched the camera back to us. “I hate men, except Christopher because he’s a good friend.” 

• • •

After getting home from the amusement park I crashed on my bed with Yuna and Nina in my room, They were staying the night for as long as they stayed here. I can’t believe Ash allowed this but they went to work already so I was vibing with the girls. 

“You know, I feel very safe with you guys.” Nina said with a small smile. 

“Safe?” Yuna turned to me. “What does that mean.” 

Nina chuckled as she spoke in korean to Yuna and translated it. 

“Ahh! Safe!” Yuna laughed. “Me too, I feel safe with you all too.” 

“I think that I wouldn’t want to have it any other way, the survival show was intense and fucked up a lot of th mentalities the girls had but I made it out because of you two.” I smiled. “And from time to to I do get nervous and a little stressed when I see you guys because I’m still stuck in the world of the survival show but I still feel very safe with you both.”

“So, Alaska.” Nina smiled at me. “Let’s debut in Pnation?” 

“Yes! Alaska, please! We can still debut together! In a better company!” Yuna cheered as the both stared into my soul.

I frowned at them before looking down. “Guys… I just- I think it’s better for me to stay here for a while, till I truly know what I want. I mean it was so rushed when JYP brought me to Korea and things moved way to fast I couldn’t think straight. I get a lot of hate.. I don’t know.” 

“Alaska, you are a strong girl. You’ve helped me in so much and you always put the burden on yourself, this time it’ll be better. You’ll get proper lessons and better treatment like I’ve improved so much since the survival show because Pnation’s training system is so nice and bearable.” Nina explained. 

“Other past trainees from the survival show are also teamed with us, we are in the debut line up.” Yuna reassured. “We’ll do better, this group isn’t kpop it’s an international group that has no specific language. We have english speakers, spanish speakers, korean speakers and japanese speakers, everyone is accepted.” 

“So like everyone from around the world?” I questioned. “I won’t be the only foreigner?”

Nina looked at me deadpanned before I laughed. “I mean WE, WE won’t be the only foreigners!” 

“We have Nina, Me, Rima, Akari, Ayaka, and there’s these two other girls who are black and mixed! Well one girl is black and the other is mixed.” Yuna smiled.

“Oh my- Pnation wants black girls? Finally more diversity!” My eyes lit up at the excitement. 

“Yeah, their names are Aaliyah and Yeimy.” Nina winked. “Very pretty names, I want to be friends with them but they usually hang out with Rima and Akari so I get too scared to talk with them.” 

“But don’t you live in the same dorm?” I questioned.

“Well yeah but.. Hey we’re talking about you!” Nina stammered.

“Sounds a little fruity..” Yuna trailed off.

I gasped loudly before playfully slapping Yuna’s leg. “Yuna! Who taught you that word!” 

“Nina is my english teacher-”

“Nina, you’re teaching the poor girl- nevermind I’ll just- I’ll think about it.” I sighed.

I could debut in a group where there’s more diversity and freedom, I see Hyuna, Jessi, and Dawn really happy with Pnation so what if I give it another shot?

No. I can’t do it, I shouldn’t I already feel like a burden to them. I left JYPE for good, it’s for my health and even if it’s Pnation I feel like it’ll still be stressful. But… Every job is stressful, your dream could be stressful.

“Alaska,” Nina said making me look at her. “If your dreams- your true dreams aren’t scary… Then they aren’t big enough.”

I nodded as I laid down with a blanket on my face, this was a huge decision.. I just didn't want to look 4 years down in my career and regret taking the chance. What if it’s better to just be a normal girl living and working a normal job.

“By the way, you will always be a public figure now.” Yuna said. “But that doesn’t mean you are not human, everyone is human and we all make mistakes and we all have feelings and emotions. You are allowed to be sad, you are still a normal person.”

“I guess you’re right.” I sighed. “I’ll give it serious thought.” 

“Whatever you come up with, we support you… We just want you to make your right choice, don’t back down from your dream because of the public’s thoughts. Do it for you.” Nina smiled as her and Yuna left my room and closed the door.

I don’t know, I feel like I can keep going but I’m scared of getting canceled by thousands of kpop fans.. They can get brutal and for what? Just because they want Felix all to themselves? 

Felix. 

I wonder what he’s doing right now, he’s probably with Nancy isn’t he. I guess he loved her, does he love her? He only ever thought I was a fling, he wasn't in love or anything and I wasn’t in love with him. There is nothing to be upset about, Alaska…. This wasn’t a relationship so you’re not allowed to feel hurt!

I think Felix loves Nancy, if he didn’t break up with her while we had our thing then that means he still preferred to settle for her… right? 

I groaned at the thought of Felix being with some other girl, I shouldn’t even be thinking about him. I told myself to stop thinking about him but it never works what the hell! 

Do I deserve better? 

I don’t think so, I feel like I’ve let everyone down since JYP said I wasted my potential.

• • •

“Alaska?” Nina called out as we sat at the table. 

It has now been over a week since they’ve stayed, but they leave tomorrow and I’m very sad I won’t probably see them again.

“Yes?” I answered. 

“You won’t be coming with us?... Are you?” Nina frowned. 

“I’m sorry-” 

“You don’t need to apologize, if you seriously think that there is nothing to do with your talent then you should stay here.” Nina interrupted.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I questioned.

“Well, if you think about it… All that training you did? The stress you got from the survival show.. It was for nothing now wasn’t it? In the end you had two choices and you chose the one where your talents don’t benefit it.” 

What the hell was she saying?

“Are you saying I wasted my talent?” I looked at her confused.

“I’m saying that you have all this knowledge, you know how to sing and rap, you can dance and perform. But nothing to use it on? People would kill to have your knowledge and connections.” Nina explained. 

“Well, they don’t know how stressful it can be- What if they can’t take it-”

“But you took it. You bottled up everything and your feelings from the moment you left JYP. Please don’t act like we don’t notice because we do, we know you are scared of getting canceled. My opinion doesn’t matter but I still think you should debut. You didn’t train for nothing, you did not get judged by that man just so you wouldn’t debut!” Nina stood up clearly upset. “You are stronger than that! What happened to the Alaska who helped me go forward huh? You were confident and you still trained even if your body killed you! Don’t throw this away because of some boy.” 

I look at my friends with widened eyes, I've never seen Nina so upset with me.

I shook my head before going to my room and shutting the door shut, I dove into my bed with a saddened mood.

I'm still not over it.