TW: Bullying, mention of weight & skipping meals

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑵𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 45

“You look like an idol what the hell,” Ash took photos of me with a dress on. “Dance the famous performance on your survival show bestie.” 

“Oh please!” I snorted before dropping my smile and shaking my head. “Never again.”

“Too much bad experiences?” Ash questioned. 

“Too many to get into.” I sighed as I went back into the dressing room.

I liked shopping… Well only if there’s a food court, but now I can’t eat as much as I did before which was sad. What JYP said to me has been stuck in my head for a couple of days, what if he was right? I can’t debut in Pnation if I didn’t have a six pack! 

Wait, who said I was going to debut in Pnation? Don’t I want out? 

There must be good things in America, like!

Like!

Like…… 

I’m sure I’ll find a career for me. 

Yeah, nope. I had a harder time back in high school and I don’t want to enroll again because I’d be so behind by a couple of months. I did have to back throw away my old life but not entirely, maybe just the bad parts?

“He looks cute,” Ash smirks as they nudged me towards Target. 

“Ash- He’s a security guard.” I deadpanned. 

“And?” Ash questioned.

“Nevermind, I don’t need to date right now I think I need to buy food.” I head to the food court and eye some restaurants.

“Calm down, you literally ordered 2 burgers, a large fries, and two mcflurrys?” Ash gasped as we sat down.

“Your point is?” I stuffed it down my throat.

“What did they not feed you? You never have room for this much.” Ash looked at me with a concerned look.

“Well you see, I have to be on diet almost always and even then I have to workout every week so I barely eat.” I carelessly say as I finished my burger.

“There is something wrong with the company I swear.” They shook their head. 

“Well, maybe they had a point! I don’t want to get out of shape, It’s harder to dance with more weight on myself I’d rather be light.” I smiled. ‘But god how much I missed burgers, I ended up always eating ramen with Fe-!” I stopped myself as I frown.

“With who?” Ash questioned. “With Felix huh?”

I nodded my head as I slowly take a bite of the fry in my hand, I slumped back in my chair at the memory. That was my favorite memory.

“Hello! I hope you’re not busy but I watched the survival show and I wanted to know if we could take a picture together?” A girl walked up to our table with her phone out.

“Wait, me? You want a photo of me?” I asked in shock.

“Yes! I know with what happened right now is bad.. I’m sorry JYP doesn’t use his brain for the most part but I don’t think it was you who kissed Felix… Although you two look cute together but that’s not the point.” The girl giggled. “I’m Ris.”

“Wow.” My cheeks flushed a bit. “Thank you- How old are you Ris?”

“15!” She smiled brightly. 

“Ah, you’re pretty young.. It’s nice to know that at least someone from the public doesn’t hate me.” I chuckled nervously and stand up. “Let’s take a picture!” 

After taking a picture and the girl leaving, Ash sat there with a smirk on her face. 

“What? I questioned.

“You’re famous! And damn, that girl thinks too highly of you like even I can recognize that it was you in the photo.” Ash snorted. “But I told you so, you didn’t want to listen to me.”

“I know.” I sighed. “But I trusted him a lot because I was a fan of his before anything ever happened.” 

“Just because an idol is well with their fans doesn’t mean they’re the same with other people. It’s called fan service.” Ash explained.

“But JYP teaches us to stay humble, he wouldn’t debut someone that isn’t humble.” I countered. “I just- I really did trust him because he was my only shoulder to lean on when it got too hard for me, he was always so supportive and helped me be a better performer.” 

“That dude is evil then, let you rely on him and all but at the very last risk he left.” Ash shook their head.

“Can we stop talking about it?” I groaned. 

“Of course! Let’s go to Hot Topic!” Ash got up and helped me put my remaining food in a bag, although I did give them a cup of the mcflurry. I shouldn’t eat a lot. I cannot eat a lot.

“Let’s get matching rings!” Ash exclaimed as they whipped out two rings from the shelf.

Ash looks at my hand and notices the ring on my finger already, it was a beautiful design that was with the birthday gift. 

“Who got you that?” Ash questioned.

“Oh, Chan did!” I chucked. “It was my birthday so he gave me a box full of gifts that were so cute.” 

“He’s such caring person, why won’t you date him?” Ash said full of awe. 

“Huh? Date him? Ash, I’m literally 19 and he’s-” 

“Like 22? Who cares! Have fun!” Ash joked. “Just kidding, that would kind of be weird.. Well maybe once you’re 21 it won’t be weird.” 

“He’s just a friend, a very caring friend.” I snorted. 

“Right..” 

“Why do you want me to romantically have feelings for other guys? What about women?” I asked. 

“Korea ain’t accepting you with dating a woman now will they?” Ash deadpanned. 

“But Holland-” 

“Holland is a successful and iconic idol, you haven’t debuted yet and you think debuting with a relationship with a girl will be good? I should be your manager.” Ash sighed and shook their head. 

“Well… Yeah, you’re right. I can’t believe PSY wants me to audition for Pnation though, I would only bring shame as a trainee.” I shrugged.

“Your mistakes don’t take away from your talent, just because you kissed a guy doesn’t mean you don't deserve to debut.” They replied. “I watched the survival show, I know you worked hard and it shows not only in person but on camera as well.”

“Maybe you’re right.” I titled my head. 

“I am right, you didn’t stop training even if your body gave out, that’s dedication. You can accelerate your energy even when you have none, it’s amazing.” Ash complimented me making me feel a little shy.

“Thank you.” I said looking down at the rings in their hand. “Let’s get these rings.” 

• • •

Once we left the mall and got home, we didn’t have much to do since their shift started at 6pm through the night. It was now 4PM meaning that Ash would have to go soon which saddened me but I knew that maybe some alone time will do me justice. 

So when Ash left, I got in my bed after a warm bath and hugged the stuffed plushie Chan have gifted me. It was a nice size to be honest, it was big and hugging it felt really nice for someone who loves cuddles. 

I don’t have to rely on Felix anymore. 

Damn it.

It’s annoying isn’t it? Everything leads back to him and no matter how much I don’t want to think about him or mention him it always comes back.. It’s so irritating. I need to forget about him, he’s dating Nancy now. I can’t believe he lied to me and didn’t even tell me about her. 

I scrolled through my Instagram and realized I’ve gained more followers and more comments on my photo. And as always, I’m too nosy to ignore the comments so I started to look at them.

“Beautiful! You’re so cute bestie! When will you come back? Are you not in Korea anymore?” I read out loud with a chuckle, should I reply? 

No I am in America! Need to sort some things out for myself but I’ll be back soon! 

I scrolled down more and frown, the hate comments started to pour in. 

Stay away from Felix, he’s dating Nancy don’t ruin their relationship! 

Nancy is prettier than you, I don’t know why people think it’s you in the photo because felix would never date some as ugly as you. 

#Nalix is better than #Felaska lmaooo 

Why would you open an instagram? Unless your idol life is down the drain hahaha

Rima deserved to debut and not you wtf, can’t believe you got the chance and this is what you did with it, pathetic 

You literally threw yourself at Felix in the survival show and he was dating Nancy this whole time… Fucking weirdo 

I felt my heart drop, it wasn’t nice at all and the comments kept coming in. 

One thought crossed my mind, I either speak for myself or stay humble as Chan always does. 

My name does sound dumb, what the hell is Alaska. I was named after the state?

Should my stage name change if it’s just my first name. 

Minnie? Nope. Kayla? Nah. Misty? Eh. Silver? What kind of name is Silver? 

Yasmine. Rachel. Rae. Lilac. Lily. Poppy. Melanie. Lani. Liv. Maddie. Mads. Kelani. Jess. Vanessa. Nessa. Clari. Ivy? Yes.

Maybe Ivy is a good name? Alice. Autumn. Quinn. Harley. 

Gosh I really don’t know. I need help with choosing it. Should I call Nina and Yuna? Nah, I need the time for myself. I need to clear my head.

I put on the survival show an placed the soft blankets on me, I never got to see the full episodes since I was too busy to even do it. I needed to see how they edited me, they could’ve completely made me look like a villain! JYPE isn’t entirely like Mnet but like.. I’m still paranoid. 

There was around 26 episodes which really surprised me because it felt more than 16 episodes, it felt like a whole year but in reality it was less than that. 

Suddenly I saw footage of me and Felix practicing and Mako eyeing us the whole time, she just stood there staring with a blank stare. Weird.. Why was she? Did the editors intentionally keep that in? The way she just stood there while the other girls were busy practicing, that was weird how did no one nudge her? 

I paused the video and decided to just call Chan, hopefully he wasn’t too busy because it should be really late and usually when it’s late he seems to always be working. 

“Hello? And who might this be?” Chan joked.

“Hmm… I don’t know, Nina gave me this number and I thought it was a super famous idol so I thought I’d give it a shot.” I joked back.

“Wow? Super famous? Well, I guess you could say I’m-”

“Nevermind, you seem pretty ordinary.” I cut him off making him gasp. 

“I don’t like it when you’re sassy,” Chan groaned. “Anyways, what’s up?” 

“I’m just.. I don’t know, I’m watching the survival show and-”

“Oh no, I’ve told you many times to not watch it, Alaska why can’t you listen to me for once.” Chan sighed. “They purposely edit it to victimize some girls, I told you.”

“I was too curious,” I frowned. “Anyways, was it wrong of me to open an instagram account?” 

“You opened an account? Wow, you seriously left JYP.” He let out a few breaths. “Uhh, I don’t recommend it since you’re still in the public’s eye but I’m not against it. Remember to never look at the comments until you’re settled in correctly, people will try to defame you and you haven’t even signed with another company… That’s IF you want to sign with another company and continue your dream.” 

“Chan.. I don’t know, maybe there’s something good for me in America. I could fly to Cali and trying acting? Or sign with a company to make music as a solo artist? It just seems that my training will go down the drain, I mean I haven’t fulled got better at singing only rapping.” I bit my lip.

“Whatever makes you happy, I will be okay with it. Choose what makes you happy, I don’t want you to pursue something you don’t enjoy.” Chan replied softly. “I believe in you.” 

I smiled at his comment, “Thank you, Channie.”

“No worries, I also wanted to check up on you as a whole. Are you okay? Have you talked with him?” He replied quietly.

“No.. Why would I talk with him? But I’m fine I guess.” I confirmed.

“He doesn’t really know that you left JYP as a whole only that you went to America.” He explained.

“How would he know- Chan…” I hissed.

“I’m sorry! He kind of went crazy,” Chan deflected.

“Why would he go crazy if he’s dating Nancy, he literally lied to me while we had our thing. There was times where he wouldn’t talk to me and it had me thinking it was because of the public but it was about her all this time.” I complained. “I need to stop talking and thinking about him, I need to focus on myself now because he isn’t a part of my life anymore and I plan to keep it that way.” 

“Alaska- Just listen-” Chan insisted. 

“Chan, I am great and I’m doing way better than how I was doing with that boy. If he wants to date other people and go behind their backs, that’s fine with me but I won’t be apart of it.” I went on.

“I don’t think you understand the situation yet, someday I’ll tell you everything but for now I think it’s best for you to focus on yourself.” Chan said before saying his goodbyes and hanging up.

Am I being stubborn? I had a good reason I mean Felix literally lied to me about our whole fling and I felt used. 

But it’s okay, I’m better now and I won’t be fooled again. I’ll get better at doing music and better at singing and someday I’ll be performing! Right? 

Or I’ll be a nobody and never be able to inspire other people and help them. I want to be able to write songs and produce them to make people feel something special inside. Whether it’s a deep song or a carefree song I want to write songs that touch people in many different ways.

Another notification popped up which made me click it, I wish I hadn’t though.

You are worthless, no one will ever love you we all know you’re a snake who sabotaged the group 

I felt my heart hit the bottom of my stomach, the urgency to cry was there but no tears fell out. I was so tired of crying and feeling like shit. I should filter my comments but then I would look weak, would people think I’m in the wrong and guilty if I delete the comments or change the options on my comments? 

Maybe I should just leave it be. 

Yeah, it’ll be for the best, I mean some comments can actually help me. Maybe I should get plastic surgery, I mean I’m not the prettiest and idols have to be pretty. I don’t like my small forehead or my small button nose.

It actually was my fault, Rima should’ve took my place but instead she got eliminated along with Nina. The ones who actually were talented. 

I sighed at the thought before turning off my phone and placing the covers over my head and drifting off into a deep sleep.