1st September 1939

Mama says there is to be a war. I don't really fully understand what it all means but Father and William were talking in hushed voices by the back door this morning. They stopped when they noticed me but the mood hung like a dark cloud over us all for the rest of the day.

The Astoria closed on account of the news and William wasn't needed so he came straight to my home. Everyone is trying not to talk about it too much. As though ignoring it means it's not happening.

William keeps kissing me at every opportunity and telling me to never forget how much he loves me. This frightens me more than any announcement ever could. I know it means he is afraid.

I am afraid too diary, more than I ever have been before.

Until tomorrow diary.

My heart aches as I place the diary back on the side table and force myself to get out of bed. I knew the day was coming and I couldn't imagine how frightening it would be.

My Aunt's fear and the reactions around her forever captured in these pages. As tempting as it is to cancel all my plans and stay home to read the rest, today is a work day. I'm planning to visit the Astoria before heading into the office so with effort I start to get ready.

My phone pings with a message and my heart does a weird little flip when it sees who it's from.

My Man Tommy: I've booked to visit someone and discuss furniture Saturday morning. Do you want to come?

His messages and attitude have changed since the day we kissed. How could they not have? It was exactly what I had been so afraid of.

Relationships? Feelings? They're messy and complicated and no matter how many times Aunt Addie calls it magical in her diary and letter, I know the truth. I know it only leads to heartbreak in the end. For at least one of you.

I've caught Tommy watching me on a number of occasions. Whenever he thinks I'm not paying attention. If I catch his eye I see the hurt and it hits me like a punch in the gut.

Perhaps in another lifetime things could have been different but I'm pretty sure I have some amazing self-sabotage skills so who knows.

Despite the months that have passed, the tension hasn't lessened and we haven't spoken about it. Both studiously ignoring the elephant in the room that is "us".

I check my calendar and confirm I'm free before replying.

Astoria: Yes, please send me the time and address. Thank you.

His reply comes through instantly.

My Man Tommy: 10am - Yardly Antiques, Eynsford.

I hate that we have lost the friendship we had built and my own loneliness becoming ever more apparent as I see Tommy appear on talk shows and paparazzi photos of him out in London with various beautiful women.

Somehow my rejection seems to have made him throw himself more into the spotlight he said he hated. Or perhaps he was hiding from it before because I didn't know.

I know it's my fault but it's too late to take back my words and actions now.

With difficulty I drag my thoughts from him and refocus on getting ready to leave. After a lovely hot shower I emerge in a burst of steam and use my hand to wipe the condensation from the mirror. 

The swipe reveals my face and huge dark circles under my eyes. I haven't slept properly in weeks but I'm not sure why. I wake with a start multiple times in the night, heart pounding but unable to remember the dream that caused it.

I pat a thick layer of concealer into my skin before doing the rest of my make-up. Now at least no one else knows how tired I am as I give my reflection a false bright smile.

It's not particularly cold just yet but the weather has cooled enough that I need to layer up as I leave.

It's so early that there's no one else around as I drive through the sleepy streets. It's quiet, peaceful.

The Astoria is coming on everytime I visit. It looks a little strange at the moment in the lobby. The panelled walls were mid restoration when we discovered a rot and about a third of them needed replacing so there's odd bare patches everywhere. The carpets have been rolled back to check the flooring for similar issues.

I meander through the building to the upstairs room that was becoming an office and retreive my notebook from the window sill.

I had been planning again and forgotten it when I left, briefly distracted by the arrival of the plumbers to final start work on the toilets.

A door slamming shut downstairs makes me jump and I wander out to the balcony that overlooks the foyer and freeze.

Tommy is here, early too. I try not to move and hope he won't see me up here.

"I saw your car outside." Tommy looks up at me slightly amused.

My heart stutters at his half-smile, "Of course, I was just on my way out." I call back as I hurry down the stairs.

He's stupidly handsome in his plaid shirt and jeans. Looking like some sort of Hallmark movie love interest.

"Didn't expect to see you here today."  He says conversationally.

"I only came to get this." I wave my notebook with an awkward smile.

"Ah OK."

We stand there, staring at each other for a moment. As with every time we are alone I feel the urge to kiss him but I resist it.
I don't know want to jeopardise the slight progress we have made in the fact we are actually talking rather than the avoidance dance we were doing before. 

"Well I'll see you Saturday?"

"Yeah, see you Saturday." He replies softly.

Just as I'm retreating for the exit the door flies open and a stunning blonde wanders in. Her slim frame is clad in jeans, so tight they look painted on, and a plaid shirt exactly like Tommy's. Only hers is open to reveal a tiny white crop top. She looks good but she's probably freezing too considering the drop in temperature today.

She heads straight for us and passes me to wrap her arms around Tommy, "Oh my gosh Tommy, I got so turned about out there. You know how I am without my morning coffee." She says with a tinkling laugh.

He smiles tightly and then glances at me. I'm sure I look awful, my confusion written across my face. I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Azzy, this is Mel." He explains as though that should mean something to me, or I should care.

Maybe that's part of the issue? I care so much that I want to rip those perfectly manicured hands from his shirt. But I don't, I fix a smile on my face and say, "It's nice to meet you."

Although it really isn't and I feel like I already hate her without even knowing her.

"The famous Astoria, it's so lovely to finally meet you." She sings out, releasing him long enough to offer me her hand, "Melanie Price, Tommy's partner."