When I finally blink my eyes open from the first night of peaceful sleep I've had in six months, I'm confused at first. My fingers aching, I flex them gently, realizing they hurt because of the tight grip I have on Lucien's t-shirt. Apparently, my subconscious was worried about him disappearing while I slept, so I slept with my arm stretched across the space between us with his shirt in a death grip.

He lays on his side of the bed, propped up against the headboard with his arms crossed behind his head. His eyes shift from the TV at the foot of the bed over to me when he feels my fingers move.

"Bout time you woke up," he says with a grin, and I grunt in response, my mind still foggy with sleep. "You slept about twelve hours."

Releasing my grip on his shirt, I roll onto my stomach, pressing my face into the pillow.

"How do you feel this morning?" I mumble into the pillow.

"I'm fine, AJ. Stop worrying."

"You definitely smell better," I mumble again, turning my face just enough to smirk at him.

"Yeah, your breath doesn't though," he says with a smirk of his own, and my hand shoots out to hit him in the side, the bed shaking with his laughter. The sound soothes the worry and pain I've been living with since he's been gone.

A quiet chuckle from the corner of the room draws my attention to Dante, still sitting in the chair he was in last night. I give him a half hearted little finger wave before turning my attention back to Lucien.

His eyes catch on my throat, and he reaches out, running a thumb over the pendant hanging from my neck, reminding me that I'm wearing it.

"Oh, yeah, I borrowed this while you were gone," I say, reaching up to pull it over my head, but he stops me with a hand on my wrist and a shake of his head.

"Keep it," he says with a smile.

"Thanks," I respond. "You good to head home today?"

He nods. "Like I said, I'm fine. Julian healed everybody else's injuries, and yours seem to have healed while you slept. I think everybody's just waiting for you to wake up."

"Do we have plane tickets booked?" I ask, and he shrugs. "Ask Everett."

"Why don't you ask him?" he asks, giving me a strange look.

"Because he basically asked me to stay away from him," I mumble back, realizing I never told Lucien that Everett was the other guy I was interested in before he went missing. He knew there was someone besides Lawrence, but he never knew who it was.

His brown eyes study me curiously before widening slightly, and I know he just put two and two together.

"Lawrence's brother?" He says in a disbelieving tone, and I roll my eyes.

"Well, I didn't know that part at the time! Not until Uncle Ben invited Lawrence's family over to meet them. That went well," I mumble, and he bites his lip to hold in a chuckle.

"I knew you were acting weird that day," he says smugly like he just knows everything, and I roll my eyes at him again. "If he wants you to stay away from him, I'm guessing you finally figured out your feelings and chose Lawrence," he says, though it comes out more like a question. He scoots down in the bed getting comfortable, looking excited to get the details he's missed while he was gone.

"God! What are you a fifteen-year-old girl looking for gossip?" I ask snidely, and Dante snorts from the corner of the room. We both continue to ignore him as Lucien stares at me quizzically, waiting patiently for my answer.

"Not exactly," I say, giving in to the questioning look on his face. "At this point I don't think either one of them want anything to do with me because I can't seem to figure my crap out. Uncle Ben thinks I already know my feelings, and I'm just in denial."

I see something flicker in Lucien's eyes, and he bites his lip, looking slightly amused while he stares at me. My own eyes narrow at him in warning.

"You better not," I say threateningly.

"Hey, I haven't been around. So, I don't know. I'm just saying... it definitely sounds like you," he says in a placating tone, trying not to piss me off. Too late though.

"Ugh," I groan loudly, yanking the pillow from under my head to smack him in the face with it. I climb out of the bed and stomp towards the door.

"Oh, come on! Don't be mad at me," he whines like a child, but I ignore him. "I'm injured!"

My jaw drops in surprise. He's really going to use that?

"You're fine... Remember?" I say, just before walking out the door, planning to find someone who can tell me if we have plane tickets booked yet. I can't help but grin happily when the sound of Lucien's laughter echoes from behind the closed door.

When we finally pull into the driveway hours later, Lucien and Dante head to his house, while the rest of us go to mine. I plan to go check on him later, but for now, I'm pretty sure he's getting tired of me hovering. The Haltermans all go to the second floor to pack up their things while I avoid them. I don't plan to bother them until I'm one hundred percent sure about my feelings.

Heading up to my floor, I unpack the duffel bag I'd taken with me, throwing stuff where it goes. When I open the top drawer of my desk, I spot the unopened letters from my parents that Uncle Ben gave me when I found out about Dante. With a sigh, I drop into the desk chair, and pull the envelopes from the drawer, finally ready to open them.

All the drama with Sara is over, Lucien's back, and my world is right again. I drop the one from my mom on top of the desk, and focus my attention on the one from Dad first. With a deep breath, I pull the paper from the envelope, and unfold it slowly, like the words inside might jump out and bite me at any second. It's a valid worry. This is definitely going to be painful no matter what these letters say.

Getting words and advice from my parents when they're dead and gone is a blessing, but it's also a curse. Bringing up all that grief and guilt I still harbor from their deaths.

My hands shaking life leaves on a tree, I finally glance down, beginning to read.

Dear Ari,

You reading this means your mother and I are gone, and you know the truth. First, let me apologize for you finding out however you did, and for it not coming straight from us. We should have told you. We always planned to tell you, but this was the greatest selfish act of my life. For that, I'm sorry.

Your mother had her reasons for keeping this secret. She never knew I had my own reasons as well. I was too ashamed to tell your mother this, but you deserve the truth, Ari. You always did. And the truth is, I kept this secret for my own selfish reasons. In my heart, you are mine, but in reality, you are his. You see, I simply didn't want to share you. I knew he could never truly be in your life as long as Sara's around, but he could have been in your heart. I already spent my life sharing your mother's heart and soul with him, and I simply couldn't share yours too.

You deserve to know him though, and I don't want you to be alone with us gone. Since you know the truth now, give him a chance. Don't let me hold you back more than I already have. I had you to myself for however long my life lasted, and it's his turn now.

The truth is, I don't know him very well. I always tried to avoid him back when your mother and I were teenagers. Lucien was his best friend though, and your mother loved him more than I ever even realized was possible. And he gave us you. That alone tells me he can't be that bad.

Just know that no matter whose DNA you have running through your veins, I've loved you from the moment you were born, and I loved you until my last breath.

Love,

Dad

My nose tingles, and tears fill my eyes. I swallow thickly, trying to fight back the tears. If I fall apart now, I'll never make it through Mom's letter. I understand his feelings, which makes it harder to stay angry about him keeping this secret. He truly loved my mother, and I think she loved him too. But never like he wanted her to. He was her second choice, and everyone knew it, including him.

With another deep breath, and gathering all the courage within me, I grab the other letter, opening it quickly before I can chicken out.

Ariella,

I've written a handful of letters to be given to you at certain times, but this one is by far the hardest. I don't even know where to start, except to try to explain why we didn't tell you about your father. It was just easier this way... for everyone.

It was easier for you because he couldn't be in your life. So, what good would it do for you to wonder about him, knowing he was out there somewhere, but never being able to see him? It was easier for me because talking about him hurts. I didn't have to answer an endless stream of questions about him that you would have had over the years. It was easier for Daniel to pretend that he didn't exist at all. To pretend that you were his, and that he was always my first choice.

We never intended to hide it, but when you started calling Daniel daddy, it was like a weight lifted off both of our shoulders. It was just less painful to go with it than to try to explain.

If Ben gave you this letter though, that means were gone, and you're having to deal with so many things on your own. Too many things for any one person to shoulder alone. Find him, Ariella. Ask Lucien, he knows how to reach him. I have no doubt that he will come. He's always hovered just on the outskirts of your life. Always sending money, and always getting updates and pictures from Lucien. He was never on the outskirts because he wanted to be. Let him help you now.

And, Ariella... do me a favor. When you find the one person that's perfect for you, the one you can't live without, the one that you know is your soulmate, you fight for it, Ariella. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not meant for each other when you know that you are. No matter who/what he is. I hope and pray that you find that, and that you're able to hold onto him with both hands.

With all my love,
Mom

I scoff softly, shocked that she didn't even try to hide the fact that Dad wasn't who she really wanted to be with. Folding both letters, I place them back in their envelopes and drop them back into the drawer of my desk. Their words spin in my head repeatedly. Especially that last paragraph of my mother's.

It's like a veil pulls back in my mind, and all the emotions I'd been burying floods into me without warning.

With a loud gasp, I jerk in surprise. Staring at the wall in complete and total shock, I slide to the floor as all the layers of denial I'd wrapped around myself fall away.

I lay motionless on the floor, as all the pieces fall into place in my mind. I jerk my eyes open, trying to avoid the truth that suddenly hits me with the force of a Mack truck.

My eyes dance desperately around the room, looking for an escape. You can't escape your own feelings though. As hard as I'd been trying. My uncle was right, I'd been avoiding the truth that I'd known all along.

The best denial is when you can lie and completely convince even yourself of that lie. I'd been lying for a long time now.

I'd avoided admitting it... even to myself, in a desperate attempt to avoid the heartbreak that I know is coming. Because I'm utterly in love with the man I can't have. I already know that we can't happen. He won't let us happen.

My eyes fill with tears, as I stare up at the ceiling above me, and my heart trembles in my chest, already knowing the same thing that I do.

This is going to hurt, and it's going to hurt bad. It's going to destroy me in the end. I already know it.

I'm not sure how long I lay like that. It could be hours, or it could be minutes. Eventually though, my door opens, and Micah struts in like he owns the place. I don't even try to hide the tears in my eyes, or the devastation on my face.

"What are we..." his words trail off as his eyes land on me, and he raises an eyebrow. "Ummmm. What's going on?"

"Does Oliver have any more of that alcohol?" I ask, turning to face him so he can see the full effect of my emotions. His eyes widen, and he nods while worry creeps into his features. I push myself up from the floor, and walk past him, in search of Oliver and his stash.

Dad's advice about not drinking when you're upset echoes through my mind, but I push it aside. I'm pretty sure if he knew how I'm feeling in this instant, he'd have one with me.

I find Oliver down in the actual living room on the first floor, his duffel bag on the floor beside him while he taps away on his phone. He's probably talking to Hazel, letting her know we're back.

"Oliver, I need your stash," I say out of nowhere, and he glances up from the phone, eyes locking onto my face. He blinks a few times before unzipping the bag beside him, and handing me the rest of the bottle I'd started drinking that night at the ski resort.

Not even hesitating, he pulls out bottles for himself and Micah, and I drop onto the floor in front of the couch, pulling my knees to my chest. Twisting the lid off the bottle, I take a huge gulp, making my eyes water slightly. That's what I'm going to blame it on, at least.

Uncle Ben walks through the room, and pauses when he catches sight of the bottle in my hand. His eyes scan the room, seeing the bottles the boys hold, too, and he gives me a disapproving look. Eyeing me for a moment, he finally sighs.

"You finally figure it out?" He asks, and I nod sadly. He nods in return, and walks out of the room without a word about the alcohol.

"Figure what out?" Micah asks.

"Don't want to talk about it," I mumble, eyes locked on the floor in front of me while my chin rests on my knees. Sensing my need for silence, but not wanting to leave me alone in my misery, we all sit quietly, just drinking.

After a few more gulps, my body starts to feel hot. My mouth's dry, and my head feels weird. It's not the same light headedness I felt the other night. This is different. I ignore it, taking another large gulp, hoping to drown out everything in my head, but the strange feelings get worse.

Standing, I head for the bathroom, hoping that a few splashes of cold water on my face might help. I barely make it inside the bathroom door before I have to grip the wall to stay on my feet. I didn't drink enough to be this dizzy, I think just before I fall to the floor.