Lena and her mom spent their lunch crying. Kahit kakaunti ang tao sa loob ng restaurant at nasa pinakang-sulok sila, alam nilang may mga napapatingin pa rin. It was hard for her to share her burden with her mother. Masyado na itong maraming alalahanin. But at the same time, not doing so would ruin her in a long run. And it might also ruin her relationship with her family.

She felt significantly lighter after telling her mom everything. Pakiramdam niya ay mas naging malapit pa sila sa isa't isa. Kahit mugto na ang mga mata nila pareho ay nagawa na rin nilang ngumiti sa wakas. She knew this wasn't it. Hindi pa ito ang huli. Alam niyang may mga araw pa rin na malulungkot siya. But at least she knows now that she won't be alone fighting it again. Sana nga lamang ay magkalakas siya ng loob na humingi ng tulong kung kailangan. God knows how many people succumbed to depression just because they couldn't find the right person to share the burden with.

After the dramatic lunch, the shopping became a bit fun. Madalas pa ring napapatingin sa pulso niya ang ina at mukha pa ring hindi ito sanay sa mga peklat niya, na para bang anumang oras ay iiyak ito, pero sinusubukan nitong magmukhang matatag para sa kanya. Her mom would smile to put her mind at ease. Kapag may iba namang taong napapatingin, nagiging alerto ito, na para bang handa siyang dipensahan kung sakali man na may sumubok na husgahan siya.

They ended up buying five dresses, all of which are either blue or pink. Her mom's an expert in buying dresses. She knew what cut and shape would fit her best. It was hard for her to process the fact that her mom wasn't like this before. Kagaya rin daw niya ito dati. Hilig lang ng daddy niya na ibili ito ng mga dress kaya kalaunan ay puro ganoon na lamang ang sinusuot nito. She rarely sees her mom in pants.

She also brought her two pairs of heels and a pair of flat sandals. Palagi raw kasi siyang naka-chucks. Tapos ay bumili pa ito ng mga underwear at sleeveless tops na iba't iba ang kulay. She had to admit that she needed the underwear. Nahihiya kasi siyang bumili noon nang mag-isa kaya hinahayaan niyang ang ina ang bumili para sa kanya.

After the tedious shopping, the two rested at one café for a while. Since the scar talk was a bit depressing, her mom decided to open a lighter topic for their next conversation. And what better way to lighten their mood than talk about the men of their lives?

"Sabi ni Ninang, hindi raw si Dad ang first love mo, mommy. Is that true?"

Her godmother likes to tell her stories about her parents. Ito kasi ang kasama ng mga magulang niya simula sa simula kaya alam na alam nito ang bawat detalye ng love story ng dalawa. She did mention to her, a few times, na hindi raw ang daddy niya ang first love ng mommy niya, which she found hard to believe. It was hard for her to accept that, dahil iba ang nakikita niya sa tuwing titingnan niya ang mga magulang.

"No, he was my first love, and still is. He's my only love," her mom replied. "I thought I was in love with someone else before. Fixated lang pala ako. I was in love with the idea of my love for this other guy because he's the personification of all my ideals. Parang lahat ng gusto ko sa lalaki, nasa kanya na. But your father made me realize that love isn't about ideals."

"You talk like you're still so in love with Dad."

"I am," nakangiti nitong sagot.

"When did you realize that you're really in love with him, and not the other guy?"

"When I went to the states to work," her mom answered. "But I guess I've always known. Ayaw ko lang aminin sa sarili ko kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi tama. That I should be in love with this other guy instead. Because it wasn't like me to fall in love with someone like your dad. He's too perfect... and at the same time, too flawed. I didn't know where to put him. And I didn't know what to do with him. It was a scary feeling and I didn't want anything to do with it. Pero minsan talaga, kung ano pa 'yong ayaw mo, syang ibibigay sa 'yo. And eventually, you'll know why. It will all make sense after some time."

She nodded, still fascinated with the idea.

"Why do you ask?" maya-maya'y tanong nito.

"Nothing. I just want to know."

Her mom sighed. "You never tell me anything. Kenna and Lacey, they're easier to handle. Alam ko agad kapag may problema sila sa school o kung may bago silang crush. Ikaw, you're very hard to read. Palagi akong nanghuhula. If you didn't have the courage to tell me about your scars, I don't think I'll ever know about them."

Nagyuko siya ng ulo. "I just... I don't know why I find it so hard to open up."

"I understand. You express yourself in a different way, Anak. I just don't speak art kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang gusto mong iparating. But there is someone out there who could understand." She gave her a meaningful look. "I hope he does."

Him. Why does the mere thought of him make her blush?

"Tell me about him," sabi nito sa kanya maya-maya.

"W-What do you want to know?"

"What's he like? Ano sya kapag kayo lang dalawa ang magkasama?"

Pakiramdam niya ay lalo siyang namula. He's very warm when they cuddle. He's very gentle when they kiss. But how can she tell her mom those things?

"Anak, kinakabahan ako sa 'yo. Bakit sobra ka naman yatang mamula?"

"Nakakahiya kasi, Mommy!" she blurted out. Tinakpan niya ang mukha, hinihiling na sana ay maibsan ng lamig ng mga kamay niya ang mamumula noon.

Natawa tuloy ito dahil sa inasal niya. "All right. I won't push you. I'm just glad that you found each other. Mukhang masaya ka sa kanya. And it looks like he takes good care of you. Tumataba ka, e."

"Pinipilit nya kasi akong kumain ng gulay," sumbong niya.

"Really? Now, I like him even more!"

She pursed her lips, but she was happy inside that her mom likes Cyrus. At least, hindi na siya mahihirapang kumbinsihin ang ina na gustuhin ito. Ang daddy na lamang niya ang hindi niya matantsa. Hindi niya alam kung gusto nito si Cyrus para sa kanya o hindi.

But why does that matter anyway?

"You're turning red again. You're thinking about him, aren't you?"

"Mom!"

Tumawa itong muli.

"I'm sorry, Anak. I just don't get to spend time with you like this. I don't get to tease you. Ngayon lang tayo nakapag-bond ng ganito."

"Don't worry. This won't be the last," she promised. Wala naman siyang problema sa magulang. Wala rin siyang problema sa pamilya. Siguro kaya nararamdaman niyang parang hindi siya kabilang ay dahil na rin sa hindi siya gumagawa ng paraan para mapabilang sa mga ito. She's been isolating herself because she thought that none of them would understand her. It's a scary thought, having no one in your family understand you. Malaking parte ng pagkatao mo ang masisira kapag nagkataon.

"I hope so," her mom said with a nod.

They continued their conversation, but she insisted that they change the topic. It was still uncomfortable for her to talk with her mom about Cyrus.

So her mom told her about her dad and what he was like before they got together. Nagulat siya nang malamang pang-labing walo (her mom still wasn't sure if it was the exact number) itong naging girlfriend ng daddy niya. She was expecting that she wasn't his first, pero hindi naman ganoon karami. Ang hindi pa niya maintindihan, hindi raw babaero ang daddy niya. Mabilis lang itong magsawa. He was just trying to find love, but searching at the wrong places.

"And when he finally found it, it turned out to be you," she commented.

Her mom blushed and nodded shyly. "He pursued me for a while, then we became friends, and then, we're not. But your dad never wavered, and that's when I realized that his intentions were real. So I took a shot with him."

"Were you scared?" she asked. Because she was scared. She's very scared.

Tumango ito. "I was. I still am, to be honest. Natatakot akong may mangyari na baka ikasira namin o ng pamilya natin. I'm in constant fear of the unknown and the what ifs. But I learned to live with my fears, Lena. It's okay to be scared, just as long as you don't let it overwhelm you. Natural lang namang matakot ka, kasi hindi mo alam kung ano'ng mangyayari sa hinaharap," paliwanag nito. "Why? Are you scared?"

"Very," she admitted.

She gave her a motherly smile, the kind that makes her want to believe that everything will be all right.

"Do you want to know a secret?"

"Uhm... yes?"

"He's scared too, Lena. Hindi lang ikaw ang takot. But if he's willing to gamble, then what's stopping you?"

--

Halos pitong oras din silang magkasamang mag-ina. Iyon na yata ang pinakamatagal na panahon na kasama niya ito na silang dalawa lang. Nang makailang tawag na si Cyrus at tinatanong kung nasaan siya, saka lamang nila napagdesisyunang umuwi.

Inihatid nila ang mommy niya sa bahay nito. Before they leave, her mom gave her a tight hug and whispered, "I love you, Anak. Always remember that."

She found it hard to let go. "I love you too, Mom."

Niyakap din nito si Cyrus at pinasalamatan bago ito pumasok ng bahay. Nang sila na lamang dalawa ang magkasama ay agad nitong pinuna ang pamumula ng mga mata niya.

"I told her about these." She gestured at her scars. "We're okay now, I think. And I think she'll tell my dad and I will have to talk to him soon."

He reached out to hold her hand. "Don't worry about it. Your dad loves you. He'll understand."

She nodded. "I guess I'll have to prepare myself for that."

"And your siblings will eventually know." She gave him a stern look which made him laugh. "No pressure!"

Napangiti na rin siya. "Thank you," she told him.

"For what?"

She intertwined their fingers and without looking at him, she replied, "For the courage."