And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

--Scars by Papa Roach

--

Lena decided to finally tell her mom about her scars. Cyrus's mother made her realize that she didn't need to hide such thing to her own mom.

"Kung ako nga, hindi kita anak pero tanggap kita bilang ikaw, with all your scars, ano pa kaya ang mommy mo? Tell her. I'm sure she will understand," were her exact words.

She knew her mom would understand. That's what good moms do. They understand. Kahit hindi na dapat intindihin, pilit pa rin nilang iniintindi. That's not what she's worried about. Ang ikinatatakot lang naman niya ay baka sisihin nito ang sarili dahil sa mga pinaggagagawa niya sa sarili. She didn't want her mom to resent herself.

So she called her mom after she got home from the dinner and told her that she wanted to spend her whole Saturday with her. Kung mayroon mang naunang plano ang mommy niya ay hindi na nito sinabi sa kanya. She readily agreed, excited by her invitation.

"Bakit sya lang? What about me?" singit ng daddy niya.

"Dad, kami lang muna ni mommy please," sabi niya sa ama. "Girls only."

"I can be a girl," he joked.

"Magtigil ka nga!" saway ng mommy niya. "If you want to go out, then take Nikola and Logan with you."

"Pa'no si Kenna?"

"Kenna can manage with her books," she heard her mom say.

Pinatapos muna niyang magtalo ang mga magulang. She likes hearing them banter from time to time. Sa daddy nya lang kasi nagsusungit ang mommy niya. Sa iba, sa kanila, hindi. Her dad told her once that it's what sets him apart from other people.

The argument ended with a truce. The boys will go out with their dad habang sila naman ng mommy niya ang magkasama. Kenna will be left at the house with her books. Babawi na lamang daw ang mga ito sa kapatid niya sa isang linggo. They planned on taking Kenna out on a date, which, to her, sounded like they will just make her sister the third wheel.

"So, Lena, anong oras tayo bukas?"

"Can we go out in the morning? Baka po kasi may lakad kami ng hapon, e."

"All right. Susunduin ka na lamang namin dyan ng ten o'clock."

"Okay, Mom. Good night."

"Good night, Anak. See you tomorrow!"

--

Kinabukasan, maagang gumising si Lena para maghanda para sa lakad nilang mag-ina. It's probably the first time that she and her mom will go out together. Usually, kapag aalis sila, buong pamilya o sila lang magkakapatid. Hindi siya 'yong tipong lumalabas kasama ang magulang.

She decided to wear a simple shirt that says 'MERDE', and a pair of denim shorts. Nag-doble siya ng denim jacket para hindi makita ang braso niya. She may be ready to show her scars but not to everyone in her family yet.

Nang dumating ang mga ito ay agad niyang inihabilin si Bailey sa kapitbahay. The poor dog wanted to go with them, especially when he saw Nikola, but they had to leave him behind.

She climbed the backseat with Logan and Nikola. Todo yakap sa kanya ang bunsong kapatid. He told her that he misses her and Cyrus, and the cake. Kinulit siya nito nang kinulit na padalhan ito ng cake hanggang sa nainis siya ng konti. She mentioned Tammy to shut him up.

"Who's Tammy?" their mom asked.

"No one!" agad na sagot ng kapatid niya. Lumipat ito sa kabila ni Logan. With Logan in the middle, naging tahimik ang byahe. Naglalaro lamang kasi ito sa phone nito. Si Logan na yata ang pinaka-walang pakialam sa mundo sa kanilang magkakapatid.

She and her mom were dropped off at the mall habang ang tatlo namang lalaki ay papunta sa Tagaytay para magliwaliw.

"Where to?" her mom asked.

"Let's shop for a dress first." She told her mom that she would be going with Cyrus to Julie's destination wedding and that she would need a dress. Syempre, ayaw naman niyang siya ang bukod tanging naka-jeans sa mga bisitang babae. Nang sabihin niyang hihiram na lamang siya ng damit, ipinilit ng mommy niya na ibibili na lamang siya nito.

They went to a high-end store to look for dresses. Cyrus specifically requested that she wear no black at the wedding.

"Blue or pink," she remembered him say when she asked him what color of the dress he would like to see her in.

So her mom picked up a few dress for her to try. She tried one on and covered herself with the denim jacket. Her mom shook her head disapprovingly upon seeing the outfit.

"You're not planning on wearing that with the dress, are you?" tanong nito sabay turo sa jacket niya.

"No."

"Tanggalin mo muna. Tingnan natin kung bagay sa 'yo 'yong damit."

This is it. She thought she would tell her mom during lunch, pero nauna iyong pamimili nila ng damit. Her mom will definitely see the scars now.

She pulled her inside the dressing room and slowly removed the jacket. Agad na napako ang tingin nito sa pulso niya. Instinct na siguro. Tahimik lamang nitong tiningnan ang mga peklat niya sa pulso, na parang hinihintay siyang magpaliwanag.

"Mom," untag niya sa ina.

Hinawakan nito ang pulso niya at iniangat. Lungkot na lungkot ito, parang biglang nadismaya sa sarili. Her heart instantly became heavy.

"I wanted to tell you sooner," she told her mom, her voice breaking.

"Why?" she asked. "May problema ka ba, Anak?"

For the longest time, her only problem with her family was that she doesn't feel like she belongs with them. Na pakiramdam niya, siya ang pinakang-naiiba. They're happy, outgoing, and vibrant. She's sad, homey, and dull. Iniisip niya kung ano ba ang mali sa kanya. Na bakit naging ganoon siya samantalang ang saya-saya naman ng mga kapamilya niya.

"Wala po." Hinawakan niya ang kamay nito na nakahawak sa pulso niya. "Can we talk about this later? I promise I'll tell you everything."

Walang imik itong tumango saka iniabot sa kanya ang isa pang dress. "Try this one," she said and then got out of the dressing room.

Pinahid niya ang nangingilid na luha saka muling nagbihis. She went out a while later to show her mom the dress, pero nakatuon pa rin ang pansin nito sa pulso niya. Sighing, she changed back to her own clothes and returned the dresses.

"Let's talk first," she told her mom.

They went out of the boutique and looked for a restaurant where they could eat and talk in private. Nakakita sila ng isa na kakaunti ang tao, pero mahal.

"I'll pay," her mom told her when she was about to suggest that they go somewhere cheap.

They ordered food, but didn't feel like eating. Nagpakiramdaman pa muna sila kung sino ang unang magsasalita. When she couldn't take the silence anymore, she began to talk.

"It started a week after I moved out," simula niya. "For some reason, sobrang lungkot ko no'n at wala akong mapagsabihan. I didn't know what got into me, but when I saw the kitchen knife, I just-m-my hand had a mind of its own. Mababaw lang naman ang pagkakahiwa ko. I just want to open my skin a little... I thought that if I felt pain, then I could focus on that so I could eventually be okay."

She stopped explaining when her mother covered her face and began sobbing.

"Mom..." She reached out and took her hand.

"I-I'm sorry, Anak. I should have been there with you. I should have known what you're going through."

Umiling siya. "It's not your fault, Mom. Alam mong kahit tanungin mo ako, if I wasn't ready to tell you anything, I will remain quiet. I was too afraid to tell you dahil alam kong sisisihin mo lang ang sarili mo. But it's not your fault."

"Why were you depressed? May tampo ka ba sa 'min ng daddy mo? May hindi ba kami naibigay sa 'yo? I thought we're doing an at least okay job with you guys."

"You do," she assured her. "Depression is my own personal demon, Mom. I just get depressed sometimes, and I don't know what's causing it."

"You should have told us, para naman natulungan ka man lang namin."

"I know that now. And I'm sorry if I don't open up to you. I didn't want to burden you with my problems."

Her mom squeezed her hand and exhaled. "Anak, ano namang klaseng magulang ako kung hindi kita matulungan sa problema mo? Even if you don't know what's causing your depression, we can still help you fight it. It will linger if you let it. Ang mahirap pa nyan, madalas kang mag-isa. Don't let it eat you up."

Hinigpitan nito ang hawak sa kamay niya.

"Promise me, Lena, that the next time you get depressed, you will call me right away. Promise me, Anak."

She hesitantly nodded. She didn't know if she could do it right away, but she will try. Alam niyang may mga pagkakataon na pangungunahan pa rin siya ng takot, but when that happens, she knew that she can count on Cyrus to be there, to help conquer the fear.

"Galit ka ba, Mommy? I'd rather you be angry than sad, you know that. I don't want you to blame yourself for what I did to myself."

"How can you expect me not to, Lena? I can't help but wonder kung may ganyan ding pinagdadaanan ang mga kapatid mo."

She bit her lip. She certainly didn't think about that. It was selfish of her to think that her mom might be just worried about her. Nakalimutan na ba niyang may apat pa siyang kapatid na kailangan nitong alalahanin at alagaan?

"They're not like me, I promise."

"But they might be having problems too. I don't want you guys to think that you can't tell your dad and me about your problems. We're here for you. We're always here for you."

Lumipat ito sa tabi niya at niyakap siya nang mahigpit.

"I love you, Anak. I love you so much. Triple ng sakit na nararamdaman mo ang sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil sa akin ka galing. You don't know how much this pains me."

"Mom..."

She kissed her temple and continued, "We'll get through your every pain together, Lena. Just let me in. Let me help."

--

Made this chapter way before nabasa ko yung comments about Lena's depression. Haha. Timing na timing lang talaga. It was half-finished when I saw the comments, though.