STILL JEREMY

She's standing in the hallway like a mirage. Mesmerising. Beautiful. In that green dress she wore when I took her out for dinner, the one that made her look like a Celtic goddess. Her hair is down over her shoulders. It's longer than it used to be, lighter in colour and ruffled in the most perfect way. She has a fringe. It suits her. Everything suits her.

How is she even more beautiful?

Her cheeks are flushed and her hazel eyes are large and bright as they scan the room, slowly, carefully, with that intense precision that always made me feel so... seen. And then, they find me and they sort of change a little, making me think of caramel and butter. Her sweet, spell-casting smile brightens her face. The world comes to a standstill and my heart beats back to life after what feels like an eternity. 

Seeing her in front of me it's like the past two hundred and six days never happened. It's like she never really left. I'm back in that bar, wondering what the itch in my back is as I'm walking towards her. I never got an itch. I never got apprehensive. But around her I was a fucking chaos.

As my brain struggles with the spectra of time and space I turn to Titov and, without taking my eyes off the ethereal beauty in front of me, I ask, "Titov, can you see a magnificently beautiful girl standing over there? Right there, in the hallway."

He looks up at her warily. I know he thinks I'm messing with him again but I need to hear it. I need to know she's real before I let my heart get ahead of itself.

"Yes?" he answers hesitantly.

Ally clasps her hands timidly in front of her, the way she does when she's nervous and doesn't know what to do with herself. If she only knew how perfect she is, she'd never feel awkward again.

She breathes out slowly, steadily, through her lips, her eyes still locked with mine.

"Titov, buddy, can we uh... Can we continue this later?"

"But Sir, we need to finalise these-"

"I said later, Titov," I say firmly as I take a few steps towards her carefully, afraid that if I approach too quickly she'll disappear into thin air.

"Ally... I thought you were in London."

"I was," she says in her caramel-like voice. Hearing it again almost brings me to my knees. I feel my senses heighten, desperately analysing every single stimulus to be certain that this is really happening, that she's really here. "I... um... I'm sorry I didn't call before coming..." her voice trails off. Then, she takes another look around the room. "This place looks incredible!"

The pride and emotion in her eyes cause my lungs to seize up. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to scoop her into my arms and lift her up into the air like Patrick Swayze in that stupid movie she made me watch as she slept on my shoulder.

"Have you... have you spoken to Sosa?"

I sigh, trying to keep my breathing steady. I hear the hesitation in her voice and I'm sure she sees it in my eyes. She always gave me the impression she could see right through me even though I tried so hard to hide my emotions from her, a skill that always came naturally with everyone else but never with her.

"Eventually. I went over to the store a few weeks ago. She painted everything pink." I see the corners of Ally's mouth curl a little. "What about you?" I ask her, biting on my lip to crush the urge to kiss the corners of her smile.

She grimaces and gives me a look that says I should know better. "No, but I want to. I need to," she adds earnestly. "It's not easy. After everything that happened between us, I..."

She looks down at her twiddling thumbs. She's been biting her nails again.

"I'm not angry at her, Ally. I never was. I was just... indifferent. What she did does not change anything. It doesn't change what I did, how I treated her or how I treated you. So, don't let what happened between me and her, or between me and you..." my voice breaks off and I have to take a pause before I can finish the sentence. "Don't let anything else affect how you feel or how you want to feel about her. You were really close."

She lifts her eyes to my face again, round, honest, concerned.

"She's sorry. She's working really hard to turn things around and she misses you, Ally," I go on truthfully, biting my tongue before I tell her that she's not the only one who misses her.

"Is she still with Keith?"

My heart sinks. Is that why she's here? Did she come back for him?

I nod my head slowly in answer to her question, unable to do anything more than that. A long silence follows and I'm afraid she can hear my heart pounding against my chest.

"Are you getting the books?" I ask her, trying to sound casual.

She smiles at me, a wry yet beautiful smile that makes me want to hold her face and kiss her mouth until neither of us can remember what happened.

"Yes."

"Good," I say. Why didn't you call me? I don't say.

"How's your dad?" I ask instead.

"Great! He's doing so well, Jer! He's out of rehab. He goes to this session with his therapist every other week. He even introduced me and sometimes I go with him. She's really sweet! Diane. I think he likes her," she adds smiling endearingly.

I instinctively smile back.

"He's working as a lawyer's assistant because obviously he can't practice anymore, but he's happy. He hasn't had a drink since we got there. We have a flat in London. It's tiny but it's comfortable and bright and..."

She stops abruptly, probably seeing the hope being drained out of me with every word that comes out of her mouth.

I'm happy things are going so well for them. That's what matters most. That she's happy and living the best life she could possibly be living. But still, knowing I will never be part of it feels like having my arteries ripped out from my body one by one.

I watch as she looks down at her white sneakers. Her hair falls in front of her face, just screaming for my fingers to slide into the silky, coconut-fragrant strands, lift her face up, command her to never look down ever again.

"I'm sorry," she whispers finally. The excitement, the strong front she was putting up for me is not there anymore. Her struggles are written all over her face, her eyes, her parted lips, the way she's focusing on her breathing as though she doesn't trust her lungs to do it on their own. "I'm sorry for coming here..."

"Don't!" I protest firmly, ignoring the widening cracks in my heart. "Don't apologise. Ever. Not to me. Especially not for coming to me. I get it."

"No, you don't," she says.

She's right. I don't. And I never will because all I know is how much I want her, all the time, in every way I could possibly have her.

"You can't possibly because I don't get it either!" she claims, her lips quivering, eyes slightly manic as they wander up to mine.

My fingers itch to reach out to her. To tuck her into my chest so that she feels safe.

"Remember when you took me out to that little restaurant in Sliema?" she goes on.

I swallow hard. "Of course."

It was only the best and worst day of my life. I had her for twenty-three and a half hours and then lost her in two minutes.

"So do I," she goes on. "I remember sitting at that table, eating and drinking, and thinking how simple things could be with us, even when they're not. Even when everything is a complete mess, all it takes is you and me, just... talking, and everything is suddenly bearable. I could see myself easing into life with you and deluding myself into thinking that our world is perfect until it all came crashing down all over my head. And it always did."

Fuck. My heart is so stretched wide it feels like it's bleeding out. I want to tell her that I won't allow that. I will never allow anything to hurt her ever again. Especially now that I know what it's like to be without her. How numb and incomplete my days are. But the lump in my throat is stopping me from speaking, making it impossible for me to breathe.

"Jeremy, those days, those weeks living with you, it felt like all I did was need you desperately without knowing why. And no matter what you did, or what I did, or someone else did, whatever divine cosmic entity interfered, I just fell and fell for you until it was completely out of control. And then, I left and everything fell into place. Everything in my life is as it should be. I'm back with my dad. I got into a literature programme and I'm starting my teaching degree next year. I'm working in a tiny bookstore. It's not mine, but I do love it!

"And look at you! Look at this! This is perfect! You're going to have your hotel any day now. We're getting on with our lives just like we dreamed! And that is why I got on that plane and why I stayed on it and why I didn't call you for seven months."

"Ally..." I start, but then stop not knowing what else to say. How do I tell her that the only reason I give a shit about anything in my life is because of her? All of it is pointless if it's without her.

She looks imploringly at me, begging me to be strong, to believe her, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. If she thinks I'm doing better without her, that I could ever be better without her, she is so damn wrong.

"I have everything I ever wanted, Jer. My life is back on track," she says finally. "But I'm so miserable! The pain I felt the moment that plane took off is still here," she clutches at her chest. "Nothing will make it go away. And maybe there was a point where I could have walked away from you without a scratch, but I missed it. I sailed past it and didn't even realise it.

"Not admitting that I love you doesn't change the fact that I do. I love you and I can't stop! I have been falling for you for a long, long time, probably from the moment you gave me that damn wink during your stupid Christmas Party!"

My heart stops and jumps back to life and then it stops again.

"Really?" I say, trying to keep a poker face. "I always thought it was when I wore that purple hoodie of yours."

"That was the final blow!" she answers in that witty sarcastic tone I can't resist. "I know a lot of time has passed and I understand if you've moved on or maybe you don't feel the same way anymore, but I was wondering if you could maybe give me another chance to not run away from you again."

As I look back at her, I realise there's something different about her. Her body is still small but she doesn't look fragile anymore. Her hazel eyes are still honest and innocent, but they hold more wisdom and confidence. There is more conviction in her voice.

I exhale slowly from my nose so that maybe she won't realise I've been holding my breath for the past three minutes. It's funny how anxious she looks as she waits for my answer, as though there's more than one. 

She's crazy! She must be crazy if she thinks there is anything in this world that can ever stop me from loving her.

I roll my eyes at her and finally allow my feet to close the distance between us. I take her face in my hands and crash my lips to hers the way I have been dreaming of doing since the last time I kissed her.

I inhale her and am blown away by how much I've missed her. How much I want and need her. How good it feels to finally have her back in my arms where only she belongs. I pull her closer, never wanting her more than an inch away from me ever again. Her hands work their way over my shoulders and around my neck and I wind my arms around her waist.

I lift her up onto my chest and spin her around, not daring to break our kiss. She giggles against my mouth as I put her back on the ground. The sound of her happiness, knowing that it's because of me, thrills me beyond explanation. I pull away and look at her, taking in her bright smiling eyes, relieved to see she's still here.

"I'll think about it," I tell her.

She punches me playfully on my shoulder and I kiss her sugary lips again and again. I doubt I'll ever be able to stop. It crosses my mind that I've never been this happy. I promise myself that I will give up a kidney and half of my liver before I fuck this up again.

I send a mental note to Millie, promising her that I'll take care of her. I'll take care of her until the day I die just like I had promised many months ago.

She pulls her face away and bites her lip. I feel her squirm in my arms and my lips stretch into a wide grin, knowing exactly what's going through her mind.

"Say it," I dare her.

She narrows her eyes at me but I don't relent.

"Say it! I know you want to!"

She giggles again and I succumb to the urge to kiss her once more. God, I love this side of her. I love every side of her and all of her and everything about her.

"You should say it. He says it. I'm the girl!" she pouts as we pull away again.

I look at her knowingly, absolutely certain she won't let a simple thing like gender get in her way. She purses her lips and blushes a little, but she opens her mouth to speak anyway.

"You have bewitched me, body and soul..." she starts, looking deeply into my eyes.

Her words, her joy, her excitement at reciting Darcy's words to me is too much. I kiss her again, swallowing the rest of her favourite line in the literary world, and when I finally tear away from her, I breathe against her lips. 

"And I love, love, love you!"