I probably shouldn't be all that surprised when Dres shows up to my swim meet later that night, even if we are fighting. Particularly because I'm the one who told him I was having meets all week, and which ones were going to be home.

     Still, his presence unnerves me and I forget what I'm even supposed to be doing until Coach thumps me on the head with his clipboard, and goes, "You see who that is?"

     "Yeah," I say because I'm still staring at Dres. I catch myself and quickly avert my gaze to where Coach is pointing. "Who?" I ask, clueless.

     "Robert Mahoney, first scout of the season," Coach responds. "University of Michigan." He says this like it's a big deal. I guess it is. The school ranks #6 nationally. But it's also Michigan, which is states away. I'm applying because I promised my mom I would branch out of my comfort zone. We agreed to at least three out-of-state college applications. I did it to appease her but I'm not considering it.

     Still, I'm gracious Mahoney is here to watch me and am going to respect his time. It helps that the more scouts that want me, the better scholarship packages I'll be offered.

     I nod and go, "Got it."

     "Okay, good." He claps me once on the back before walking over to the rest of the team.

     I have to stop thinking about Dres. He's right there, literally feet away, and I want to go up to him, spill everything so that things can be normal and nice, so this morning can just not exist. But I can't and that means I can't think about him, either.

     Because if I do, I will tank in these events and that's not an option, not when there's a scout here. I'm not particularly fond of doing poorly in front of Dres either.

     Somehow, despite all the distractions, I manage to keep out of my head long enough to perform the way my coach (and maybe my teammates) expect me to. A performance good enough that, afterwards, my Coach pulls me aside to talk to the scout.

     The whole time he's giving me his pitch I'm thinking about Dres, but my back is to him and I can't look to see if he's still there or if he's left. I'm not even considering the school because it is so far away from home.

     My coach is giving me this face like why are you not thrilled he is offering you a full ride and the best I can do is say at the end, "Thanks so much. I'll really consider the offer."

     When I turn around, I'm relieved, so fucking relieved, to find Dres is sitting on the bleachers waiting. I have to fight the temptation to run over to him. Of course, he looks up and over at me as I'm walking towards him. It feels like the longest trek of my life and I'm uncomfortably aware of the fact I'm only in my speedo, now.

     "I don't want to fight or argue or anything," I say when I get up to him, the words passing through my lips faster and more anxious than I had wanted.

     "You're not mad at me?" he asks.

     My brows furrow with confusion. "I was never mad at you."

     "You stormed out of the bathroom."

     I exhale heavily. "I'm sorry I did that."

     Dres's gaze drops from my face to my chest. He reaches out and touches one of the medals around my neck. It is so familiar that déjà vu makes my stomach roll. "You were really good tonight."

     "I was distracted," I tell him honestly.

     "I know. I could tell," he says softly so I raise an eyebrow, questioningly. "You project."

     "I project?" I repeat and he nods. "No, I think you just read me."

     Dres smirks. "Well, you make it easy." He's not grinning, but I think in his world what he's doing constitutes as close enough. "Who was that you were talking to?"

     "A scout from University of Michigan," I answer with a shrug.

     Dres turns his head slightly in question. "And what'd he have to say?"

     "He offered me a spot on the varsity swim team with a hefty scholarship." Dres's expression jumps. I add quickly, "I'm only applying for my mom. I'm not actually considering it."

     Dres's expression changes, thoughtful and questioning. "How come?"

     "Too far away. And when I visited the campus over the summer I wasn't thrilled. Doesn't feel like a fit."

     "Then why apply there at all?"

     "Because my moms making me apply to three long distance schools. Says I need to get out of my comfort zone." I shrug.

     "Wel do you?" Dres asks.

     "I mean, probably, but there's nothing wrong with the comfort zone."

     I feel weird standing, particularly because of the way Dres's eyes rest in line with my waist, and because I'm only wearing what is starting to feel like the world's smallest speedo, so I sit down.

     "I've applied to a bunch of schools nearby. Colgate, Fordham, Syracuse, UConn, Villanova, UPenn, and Penn State. But my mom's making me apply to USC, and Northwestern."

     "USC and Northwestern are nationally ranked, aren't they?" he asks.

     I nod. "Yeah, USC is second, and Northwestern is forty-fifth or sixth. University of Michigan is sixth."

     "And the rest of the schools? Where do they rank?"

     I frown. "Well, not in the top fifty. Except for Cornell, which just pulled fiftieth nationally."

     "So maybe your mom wants you to consider the rankings of the schools you're applying to, not their location?"

     "Yeah, but their location is important."

     He turns his head to look at me, expression thoughtful. "You don't want to leave, see someplace different?"

     I frown slightly because I really had never thought about leaving. It'd never been an option for me. "My mom's here. My life's here."

     "It'd still be here when you came back."

     "But all those months that I'd be away – I can't do that to her. The idea of leaving her. I know how it probably sounds..."

     Dres takes a moment to respond before saying, "It sounds like you're very close to your mom, which isn't something you have to be embarrassed about."

      I sigh. "Yeah, I guess." Sometimes it feels like I'm doing this for her, so that she isn't left alone, but I'll feel just as alone.

     Dres hums thoughtfully. He glances around him, and then asks, "Are you going to shower?"

     I nod, standing. "Yeah, I'll be quick." I don't have to ask him if he's going to wait for me. I know he will and I know it's because of my teammates.

     I take a quick shower and dress equally as fast, toweling my hair till its damp before returning to the pool with my things. Dres is standing with his back to me, staring at the water like he's in another world completely.

    "You okay?" I ask.

     He's slow to answer, and when he does, his words feel long and distant. "I think that...it's okay if you have things you don't want to tell me. You can keep them to yourself."

     It should be relieving that he's willing to let the teammates thing go. I didn't want him to know the truth because I didn't want know that version of me. The one who couldn't stand up for himself or the people he loved. This is a good thing. So why don't I feel satisfied?