i wonder if the man who raped me...
feels the same shame i do.

does he shower after sex?

does panic and anxiety wash over him like a second orgasm?

i wonder if his mind replays the horrors of stealing someone's innocence. their smile. their will to live

does he remember what my hands felt like as i tried to push him off me?

does he have nightmares about the sound of my voice, yelling and screaming for him to stop?

i wonder, if while driving across a bridge, he's imagined himself stopping the car, getting out, and jumping off into the nothingness below.

i wonder, if he's had to count backwards in his head while having sex just to keep from crying

but more than anything

i wonder if how many times it happened. if i was his only. if i was his first.

i wonder if the man who raped me...
ever even thought about it again.