⚠️ TW: MENTION OF DEATH, A FUNERAL & SUICIDE AHEAD.

. . .

I had never worn all-black my whole life.

I sat in the front row of the funeral home. I had never mourned over a family member. I had never lost a loved one. Mum was my everything: my family, friend, and helper, yet she left me willingly in the blink of an eye without logical reasoning. She was the only reason I would wear black.

If I had been anxious about being judged for being the maid’s daughter before, that day, I was anxious about being pitied by them for being the suicidal’s daughter. I preferred they knew I was the maid’s daughter rather than being pitied for the suicide of the said maid.

I knew I hadn’t been the best daughter in her last days. I knew I had never been one, to begin with, but did I deserve that severe of a punishment? Was she upset to the point that she didn’t want to see me anymore? Like she was my everything, I was hers too. I couldn’t think of any different reason why she left other than me.

Kai touched my shoulder, and I flinched. “Don’t,” I whispered, squeezing my thighs.

I didn’t want to be consoled. It only reminded me she was very much gone. I preferred to stay trapped in my thoughts, still hearing her voice call me, talk to me, even if it was just in my sick head.

I barely knew anyone in the ceremony, only a few colleagues from the university. The rest were Kingston acquaintances consoling them for such an unfortunate event that happened in their residence. It was ironic to be at the funeral of your most loved one but not know any of the attendees. It made me cave on myself and stick to Kai only.

I received pitiful looks from his parents, especially his mum, who had slapped me and humiliated us at the last minute I was with my mum. Although that shouldn’t have been my biggest concern, I was satisfied she was suffering the guilt. She probably let me off the hook for dating Kai at that time only because she sympathised with me. The penalty was only getting delayed.

On the other hand, Massie wore a mask the whole time after she had told me her forced condolences. She was probably hiding her shame from me but not wanting to be called out for not coming. The girl looked petrified as much as me at the hurried pace of events. Everything happened in a flash; we wouldn’t expect such a weird chain of incidents either. In all honesty, I preferred she didn’t come.

It dawned on me I was left alone. Yes, I was an adult who could take care of herself, but I was never left alone. The feeling stuck in my throat like a lump that made the most straightforward task to breathe hard.

“I’m alone,” I whispered to myself, salty tears drying on my cheeks.

Kai squeezed my shoulder. “I’m never leaving your side. Ryan never will, too —heck, even Massie,” he repeated.

I glared his way, and he instantly looked regretful of mentioning her name. She had ruined my last minutes with my mother, for heaven’s sake. And who was Ryan anyway? How much could one expect from a friend they hadn’t made long ago? A boyfriend they didn’t start dating long ago, too? Kai was in a pressuring situation right from the beginning of our relationship. I wondered how much he could take, and when he would leave me behind eventually.

Ryan was on my other side. He sneaked his hand on mine to calm me down from breaking down on Kai for the umpteenth time.

We left the funeral home and got ready for burial. It felt more truthful the closer we got to the hole especially dug for her. That was going to be my mother’s eternal home —without me. I said goodbye for the last time and threw a rose on her tomb. I almost fell after her, but Ryan caught me in place.

“Mel, please,” he begged in my ear, but I could barely hear him. My mind was far, far away.

I caught Kevin from the corner of my vision. He came to the funeral, but I could barely notice his figure. The way he stared at the tomb made me realise that all wasn’t new to him, like nostalgia, but he wasn’t willing to talk. Not a family person, not a social person either. I still appreciated it. Even if we didn’t speak, we could relate to each other.

Kai got us a place of our own, away from all his family members. My type of grieving was staying silent all the time until I was provoked to break down again, so I stayed quiet during the car ride.

Kai helped me out of the car, through the porch, and until the bedroom. He made me sit down on the bed, took off my shoes, and helped me change in my pyjamas. I was lifeless like that. When he was done, he sat by my side and hugged my head to his warm chest.

I didn’t realise I was freezing until I felt the heat difference between our bodies. He held both my hands and tried to heat them. I looked up at him, but all his attention was on our hands. I remembered my mum doing that to me on the coldest nights when I was younger. Everything was going to remind me of her.

I slipped my hands out of his to hold his jaw and kiss him. Kai was stiff for a while as he held my forearm, but I kept kissing him forcefully. Of the many things that could help with grief, intimacy could be one. I had yet to try.

Kai pulled away and held my hands. “Melanie, you—”

I pushed my lips on him again, daring to rub his thighs even. “Please, I need to forget,” I mumbled through the kiss.

“This isn’t the right way to do it.”

I ignored his warnings and pushed him down on the bed. His chest was hard and firm against my palms, and when our skins touched, I tried to convince myself it was going to work.

Kai flipped us and looked into my eyes. “You’re not ready. Cry, Mellie, please. Cry as much as you want. Don’t hold back,” he assured.

I felt tears collect at the corners of my eyes, so I cried, cried, and cried, and he held me all along.

\

A week had passed with the same routine.

I could not sleep until seven in the morning, woke up at noon because of nightmares, barely ate, wept from time to time and detested myself for not stopping what happened somehow.

I didn’t go to university. I was given some time off and consideration from professors. Kai and Ryan took turns to stay with me because even though they denied it, I was sure they didn’t trust me with my life. They probably thought I would follow my mother, but they didn’t know I started to have second thoughts about her ever since I discovered a new finding.

During the week, I randomly decided to check my email. I seldom did because, let’s face it, who still used emails while social media and texting existed? My mother and I only used ours to send out job applications.

I had hoped maybe she left me something there. Maybe she cared. She told me that in one of the nightmares I had. I woke up in a pool of sweat but didn’t care. I barely showered anyway, only once when Kai forced me to.

I found one email. One fúcking email was sent an hour before Mum’s death.

Dear Melanie, my daughter, my everything,

I’m sending you my last words this way because I don’t want them to fall into the hands of the wrong person. I only want you to see them.

Although I know you’ll hate me after reading this letter of nonsense, I still send it hoping it’ll help you move on from what I am about to do. I figured you’d need to hate me to move on.

When I applied to work for the Kingstons, I had a plan in mind. I heard of their youngest son, Kai, and what he had gone through. If you didn’t know, Kai was released from prison with no charges. He is clean, so don’t worry. I didn’t know many correct details about what happened; they were very secretive. Still, I learnt he would be back at his family’s residence.

I practically begged Eleanor Kingston for that job. I told her about your beautiful youth getting wasted in part-time jobs without pursuing university. She pitied me and took me in. Furthermore, her husband granted you a scholarship. I was a delighted mother but still wanted more.

I’m a leech, Mel. That was how I lived my whole life. I chose the Kingstons specifically because I wanted you to get with their son. What would we get from cornering an attractive guy and a beautiful girl together in one space? Attraction, Mel, I wanted it. I wanted to guarantee you a secured life with a loaded second son. I knew of every time you were with him and tried to hide it from me.

I was pushing you to live the same way I did. That’s how you came, my sweetheart —by me leeching my ex-boss. I made him cheat on his wife, and that’s how you came. I wanted him to be tied to me, spend on me, using an innocent baby. My plans didn’t work when his wife threatened me and kicked me out. I’m sorry I used you… I’m ashamed, but you don’t have to believe your despicable mother.

I lied to you about your father, about your surname. But he didn’t look for you, Mel, so I didn’t feel guilty calling him names and making you hate him. We both were awful parents. He didn’t care.

When the Martinez family visited the Kingstons, I was met with a nightmare, my dear. I knew then my cover would be blown sooner than I expected, and my last straw was Massie Williams coming in the picture to ruin everything. If I was going to get kicked out for you dating Eleanor’s son, or Jennifer Martinez seeing me in her face again, I didn’t know what to do. I’d have run out of plans. I didn’t want to see it happen. I won’t. Not after I suffered from poverty all my life.

It consumes me to live that way. It bites on my sanity not to have predictions of how anything would turn out. I’m tired, Melanie, I’m tired, yet I can’t tell anyone about my problems. I’ll always be the dirty woman who hopped between houses to gain some cash.

Your real surname is Martinez, love. You’re an aristocrat’s daughter, not a maid’s daughter. After I’m gone and no longer in your way, please contact your father. Take what’s your right to have.

Goodbye, my baby.

Your mother, Ella Addams.

. . .

Were you able to get the grief through the chapter? I have never written about funerals before, so I hope I did well.

I need you guys to bombard this chapter with your thoughts to help me write better!

Are you guys getting overwhelmed with the plot twists?

Thoughts about Eleanor?

Massie? Do you think she’s truly regretful?

Kai’s possible incrimination?

The Martinez?

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