I am a scientist.

Or at least I will be...

I had received a grant from The University of What It Is, but I was lost, both metaphorically and literally. At the University I had studied science, so it was only logical that I engage in scientific activities outside of the University, but what would I study? And hadn't I passed this billboard before?

I had packed up all of my belongings and set out on the open road to find what I was looking for, but I must have taken a wrong turn because I kept returning to a place called Gravity Falls.

It looked like a small town comprised of lumberjacks in the middle of the pacific northwest. I sighed and pressed my forehead against the steering wheel of my battered 1971 Ford Torino. I was going in circles. Accepting defeat, I pulled into the lot of a log-shaped building called "Greasy's Diner" and parked. Inside was a modest dining space. Modest may be too kind of a word as a raccoon scurried across my feet.

I sat in a booth next to the window. Outside were trees as far as the eye could see. I was too lost in my thoughts to notice that my attention was needed.

"Pancakes?"

"Huh?" I asked, head spinning around. A waitress with blue hair pulled into a bouffant and one lazy eye looked at me expectantly. I blinked several times at the menu, pulling my head out of the fog.

"Um, no thanks, just a coffee for me," I replied, handing her the menu.

"Suit yourself!" the waitress said in a cheery voice, and left, quickly returning with a mug of bitter black coffee.

Tearing open a sugar packet, I looked around the room. A sticky bar lined the wall to my right, where some of Gravity Fall's citizens chatted and ate their breakfast. Among them were two police officers, one a lanky man with a monobrow, and the other a stockier, darker skinned man. A teenager with purple hair was flirting with a dark haired, pimply teen boy working the counter. She was teasing him about his uniform, and he replied that it was worth it to earn money to spend on her. I smiled at the thought of young love, something that had eluded me.

Straight ahead was the entrance of the diner and a busted arcade machine called "The Manliness Tester." The game had obviously taken a beating. Next to that was a bulletin board full of faded papers, except one. I squinted and adjusted my glasses. The paper read: "Grand Re-Opening of the Mystery Shack!"

My curiosity peaked, I slammed a few dollar bills on the table for the coffee plus a tip and made my way to the poster. Upon it was an address and a date, coincidentally today. Below this were the words, "Come and behold the WEIRD and ABNORMAL spectacles found right here in Gravity Falls! Gasp at the STRANGE, gawk at the UNUSUAL. Mystery awaits at the Mystery Shack!"

I scoffed. As a scientist, I knew better than to believe in anything supernatural. However, scientists are also notoriously curious, and these seems to be worth a good chuckle, even if tourist traps like these were rip offs.

I arrived deep in the forest, following the many hand painted signs pointing me in the direction of the legendary Mystery Shack. I was surprised to find that the parking lot was overflowing with cars. The property was full of a diverse cast of strolling citizens and tourists. The shack itself was a spectacle.

It was a haphazardly built, mess of a building complete with a fallen "S" on the giant sign on the roof, so that it read "Mystery -hack." Colored glass windows were scattered around the walls and a totem pole next to the parking lot. Something about it was comforting enough that I could almost picture this as someone's home.

I quickly joined the crowd of people gathering around the porch of the shack. Two men were at the center of attention. One, a rather hefty man with large front teeth wearing a green, question mark adorned t-shirt and a burgundy fez complete with a tassel and a strange symbol, the other, an elderly man with a cheap suit, gray hair, and old-fashioned glasses, who was giving an announcement.

"Welcome, townsfolk and tourists, to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack!" This was met with enthusiastic applause. "It's taken some time to fix up the old place after the-" he paused, sweat forming on his temple, "-um, never mind all that."

The crowd nodded solemnly, with some grunts of agreement. "The Mystery Shack will continue giving tours, entertaining the masses, and ripping off suckers like it did in the good ol' days! But, the Shack is now under new management! Soos Ramirez, give 'im a hand, folks!"

The man in the fez held up a hand, greeted with applause and loud cheering. The man, Soos, began to tear up. "I finally did it," he whispered to himself.

"But don't worry, folks! I'll still be around for another three weeks to make sure this place is in tip top shape before I leave to sail the world!" the old man said. Suddenly, another elderly man appeared in the doorway behind them. I blinked in confusion, thinking I was seeing double. He looked exactly like the man giving the speech!

As I thought this, the man giving the speech glanced behind him, clearing his throat. "Alright, it's time to get this party started! Feel free to take a look around the gift shop or go on a tour. Make sure to get a free complementary beverage for seven dollars from Wendy," he pointed to a red haired teenage girl wearing a hat with a blue tree on it, her muddy boots kicked up on the drink table where she was sitting. She punched her fist in the air. "Boosh!"

The people around me got out their wallets, exclaiming their agreement.

"Yeah, that sounds reasonable."

"I'll take two!"

The crowd dispersed and the two identical men disappeared into the shack. I decided to follow a tour led by Soos.

The attractions at the Mystery Shack were comically bad. Even though I new what a rip off all of this was, I was having a really fun time! The tour passed "the Sas-crotch," "the Thigh-clops," and the "Corn-icorn." Soos gestured to something before us, covered with a sheet.

"Dudes and dude-girls, behold... the Equilateral Nightmare!" The sheet fell away to reveal a stone statue of a triangle with one eye, a top hat, and a bow tie. Half of the people on the tour oohed and aahed, taking pictures. The others, some who I had seen at the diner earlier, shifted in discomfort or grunted their disapproval. "Never mind all that," said a farmer with a bent straw hat and a mustache.

"Soos!" came a very deep, angry voice!

The man who had interrupted the announcements before stomped through the crowd. He looked just like the man in the cheap suit, except his glasses had a crack in one lens and he wore a trench coat over a burgundy turtleneck.

"Soos, cover the statue!"

"Mr. Pines! I thought it would make a nice attraction, it's my first as the new owner and-"

"Soos, please," said Mr. Pines. Soos sighed and placed the sheet back over the statue. The one eye on the triangle stared at me. It felt like it was looking into my soul. I didn't realize I was staring at it until the sheet fell over the unmoving, stone eye. Mr. Pines set his face into a grim, serious expression.

"I'm sorry, everyone," he announced to the tour, "but I'm afraid this expedition is over. Please make your way to either the gift shop or the carnival outdoors." The crowd dispersed without argument. I ducked behind a wooden post next to a jar of something called "eyebats."

Mr. Pines sighed. "Soos, I know you mean well, but-"

"Mr. Pines, I'm sorry. I thought maybe a new attraction would be a good way to show the other Mr. Pines that I'm ready for this job," Soos explained. "I just want to make him proud, bro."

Mr. Pines placed a hand on Soos's shoulder. I gasped. On his hand I counted six fingers.

"Perhaps a different attraction," Mr. Pines said, smiling. "My brother is proud of you, Soos. He knows you can do this. It's why he gave you the job in the first place." Soos smiled back at the old man.

Suddenly the five-fingered Mr. Pines walked through an open doorway. "Soos, Wendy needs you at the ticket booth. Some lunatic is threatening to sue for damages done to his taxidermy seeing-eye owl."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Pines!" Soos said, saluting. He excited rushed past me out the door.

"Stanley," said the six-fingered Mr. Pines, "I'm not sure three weeks will be enough time for me."

Stanley groaned. "We talked about this, Poindexter."

The six-fingered Mr. Pines continued. "I need to recollect years of research since Bill destroyed my journals!" He gestured to the statue under the sheet, which Stanley glared at. "And I need to disassemble the portal for good and do experiments on this statue! I can't do it alone!"

"Maybe I can help you with all of this whose-its and whats-its."

The six-fingered Mr. Pines rolled his eyes. "It's science, Stanley."

"SCIENCE?" I said, perhaps a bit too loud. I ducked my head behind the post, heart thumping. The rugged face of Stanley swung around the post. He grabbed my shirt and pulled me off the ground, staring straight into his eyes.

"The party's on the lawn, pretty boy, not in here," he said threateningly.

"Wait! I couldn't help but overhear, but do you need a scientist?" I said, flinching.

"A scientist?" said the six-fingered Mr. Pines, perking up immediately. Stanley placed me back on the floor and I explained myself.

"Yes, I am a scientist. I received a grant to study in my field. I choose to study mainly anomalies, but also multi-dimensional paradigm theory. I graduated top of my class at the University of What It Is."

" The University of What It Is," laughed Mr. Pines. "That's the rival college of my own university, Backupsmore!"

My face brightened. "You went to Backupsmore?"

Stanley groaned. "Oh great, it's like some sort of nerd convention in here."

"Say, did you say you studied multi-dimensional paradigm theory?" asked Mr. Pines. I nodded my head. "My old lab partner lives nearby, but I doubt he would like to help me again. Perhaps while I try to convince him you could study alongside me."

I stuttered, "You mean like, like a -"

"An apprentice!"

I felt faint. Here was my chance to become a real scientist. "Yes. Yes! I would love to work alongside you, Mr. Pines."

He laughed and grabbed my hand in a six-fingered handshake. "Please, just call me Ford."