Hello, 

My name? my name is Ulanni...but many people call me by my last name; since my first name is a little tricky to pronounce. So you can just know me as Luna if you want. My full name is Ulanni Luna. I was born in the beautiful city of Chicago. My life story is very difficult to explain; but i can shorten it for you, since you're in for a very long ride. It really begins with my parents, it's were all the pain starts. 

Not your everyday, physical pain. Not a scrape that goes away after a few days or a week. I'm talking about the mental pain. I'm talking about the pain that seems to never end. The confusion that sets in after so much suffering has happened. Now yes, this could be worse. I could have had it worse. But saying that is like saying you're suffering, it means nothing. As if what you went through means nothing. As if they are telling you to shut up and to suck it up.

Well i'll tell you this now; don't listen to them. The way we all suffer is enough to cry about. You are enough. What you have went through is valid. So fuck them, fuck them all. I wish no ill will upon them. Just ...I'm mad that they don't understand. But how could they? In your eyes and mine dear thing. They live the reality of pure happiness; while we suffer from our own pain and suffering. Of not only others, but ourselves. We mentally hurt ourselves, we poke at our selves. Like a child pokes at a dog to get it's loving attention.

But why do we do what we do? Why do we torcher our selves ? We already went through so much; so why do we constantly remind our selves of the past inflictions ? We don't know....

But we are told our constant worrying, stressing and crying and strange hysterical events. That we have anxiety. We suffer a condition that happens in our brains. In my brain, i suffer? No hell no, i don't suffer. I'm drowning, in confusion, in frustration, in hatred, in fear, in anger, in sadness, in living a life. I suffer from what god laid out for me to live into. Do i blame him? no. Do i believe he exist ? I don't know.... 

I do believe at times; but not all the time. But that's not what i'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about my story. And how the anxiety eats me alive. It eats at my soul; at my heart, at my mind. My dear thing.... are you ready to take a look?

I hope you are ready, because our story begins in Chicago 1998.

The year 1998 i was born into a world of love; wrong. Silly i was a mistake; i was an Oops. I was a sex mistake; but i'm sure a majority of you are no doubt. Don't be ashamed dear thing, be proud. We are all here for a reason, live your life. My father was in a gang in Chicago, my mother a beautiful little thing , fell for his beautiful shapen face. Not much of a story right? 

Well yeah this is where it starts. I didn't want it this way, but here we are. They met one night at a party. My father on acid and my mother the innocent beauty of the party. They met and well my mother in a teenage way was in 'love'. Soon were dating and well you get the next part. I was made but i shouldn't had. You see my father made my mother accidentally have a hemorrhage while intercourse. So in conclusion, I shouldn't be here. But in some miracle, here i am.

After a little bit of dating my father became this monster. Overprotective, abusive to my mother. Not only mentally but physically as well. But he stopped once he knew i was a thing. But that was only the physically part. While my mother became small in her mind, and simple minded. I was growing. But due to stress, i was premature. And again, i should had died. I was born Months early. I weighted 3 pounds and 12 oz. 

But yet, another miracle. I was born with no issues, and in perfect health. I just needed to stay in the hospital for a few months before being released to my home. And so yeah i'm a miracle, so great. 

As i was growing up, my father's abusive grew excessive towards my mother. Until one day she snapped. This day she couldn't handle it anymore, because i was threatened. My father loved me as a baby; but this day haunted my mother. He threatened to kill me, he used me against her. He held his daughter who was 3, he held a knife to my neck. I don't remember obviously, but my mother told me i was traumatized. I was looking at her in fear, she finally stood up for her self. For me.....

And she left, and she took me. We stayed in Chicago; because no one would harm us. The gang my father associated with. Well they wanted him dead; not only for what he has done to my mother. But also because what he done to them, he betrayed. I don't know what, but it was enough that they wanted him dead.

So we had protection on the streets and a family. They would help my poor mother with affording formula for me; And she was grateful. As the years went on, my father treated me like shit. He moved away to Florida. He would call, but treated me as if i was an item. A trophy to show off, an object. Not his daughter, just something that existed that was an object he had.

He only cared about money, he only cared about his status. Not his relationship with his daughter. Why would that matter? I never mattered. The times i would visit it would consist of judgement from him. I'm a little chubby; i would start to starve myself. I'm too dumb, i'm too much like my mother. Why can't i just be the daughter he always wanted? he would ask me. 

The greed of money changed his view of life and his view on his own daughter. He wasn't my father, he was the monster that tore my mind to shreds. I always tried to impress him, just to have that love and approval that i always wanted.

But it ended in me going down the wrong road. And here, our stories begins. 

I joined a gang in Chicago, and i was in sophomore year High school. I started a job and my life was falling apart. I was angry, i was fighting mental battles. I felt the voice attack me. And i wanted to feel numb. I listened to XXXTENTACION, and i felt his pain. His music soothed it, but so did the drugs. So did the drinking, so i felt numb.

Here is my story, are you ready?

Let's take it step by step shall we?

breath by breath

blink by blink 

See the eyes of my demons and tell me. What do they want?

________________________________________________________________________

Hello, my name is lizzy; Please give me feed back. It would be greatly appreciated. If you have any questions please either DM me. Or you can leave a comment.

What do you think lies ahead of Ulanni? Do you underestimate her? Do you think she is capable  of more than her innocent eyes ? Let me know in the comments below.

Thank you for reading

Chapter two will come soon

5/1/2020

5:08am