Top pic credit: unknown. Tell me if you know

Keigo POV:

Diane.

High End Nomu.

No choice.

Secret phone calls.

Endeavor's scar.

Her trip to the hospital after the Nomu fight.

I'm sorry.

Dabi.

The lies.

I'm sorry, again.

Using the information she gained on the league of villains.

It was to protect you, chicky. You were getting too close to him.

Hey, did I mention I'm sorry, dove?

My ultimatum. My choice to bring her to Dabi

And everything in between.

I told it all to Ari. Everything about my mission. Everything I've been doing for the past seven months.

The words felt so foreign coming from my mouth. So forbidden. All this time keeping in this information, and it was now escaping my lips before I even had the chance to stop myself.

Not that I would stop myself. I wanted her to know it. All of it.

My heart was pounding against my chest, as I continued pouring out all of the secrets I've tried so hard to keep hidden. Words I thought she'd never hear. Quite frankly, I wasn't even sure I'd be alive to tell her myself, after the drama I went through with Dabi this weekend...but, I'll get to that in a minute.

Ari listened to me patiently, not once interrupting my story, even though I could clearly see she had many questions.

I was grateful for this. I just wanted to get everything on the table. I just wanted all of it to come out.

I never realized how much I wanted all of it to come out. How much I desperately wanted someone to know. Wanted her to know.

Even when I was afraid my next words would cause her to hate me, or judge me, I forced myself to say them, anyways. I owe this to her. I owe this to our relationship. I know she didn't ask for any of this. By deciding to keep this from her in the first place, I never really gave her a choice about any of it.

What scum I am. I wanted her for myself, so I chose not to think about the consequences. Selfish. That was.....selfish.

I didn't joke. I didn't beat around the bush. I simply reverted further into myself, as I forced my mouth to continue speaking. I didn't feel myself giving her any type of emotions.

I didn't really know how to. She's the first person I've told about this. The first person I've really told. Diane doesn't count.

I've become so used to suppressing my pain-what? Sorry, not pain. My, um....my...job, that I'm not quite sure how to deal with this situation myself.

I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I don't know how she's supposed to react. I never thought about this moment, because I dreaded this moment.

But, I continued anyways....feeling my dread grow as the sequence of events got closer and closer to her kidnapping.

Closer and closer to what Dabi said once she escaped.

But, even so...I will tell her how it went down. I won't hide it from her anymore. I can't. I don't want too.

I want to be honest. I am choosing to be honest with Ari. Right now.

Choose.

Choice.

This choice....is my own...

And I guess that's why...I don't know how to react to it.

I wasn't groomed to make choices on my own. I was groomed to serve and protect. To follow the choices of others. To carry out orders.

Like a mindless puppet-

As you can see, I'm pretty inexperienced with self choices. I mean, let's take a look at the mess I've created. One of the very first choices I made in sixteen years was agreeing to deliver my girlfriend to a painful death of becoming a fucking monster. So, yeah I'm a little rusty. You get what I'm putting down...

I continued speaking....peeking my eyes up to the woman I love...wanting to gage how she was feeling. She's never been this quiet before, after all.

Bubbles were still covering her body. She stared at the wall in lost thought, taking in my words. I couldn't take my eyes off the giant bruise on her face, courtesy of me. Every time I look at it, I swear my guilt eats me alive more and more. She pressed her lips together, furrowing her brows.

Aw, there you go again, little dove. I know that look.

You're upset with me. I can see it in those gorgeous eyes of yours.

And I know why. I wish I didn't, because maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty about it. But I know. I know you better than you think.

You're upset with me, because I'm not communicating with you. I mean, technically, I am communicating with you. I'm telling you everything you wanted to know. This is what you wanted.

But, I'm not connecting with you.

I won't look at you when I speak to you. I'm barely making pauses between my sentences, letting the words robotically fall from my mouth. My wings are only reverting further against my body, trying to hide any signs of anxiety or fear.

Trying to hide....any signs of weakness.

"No one likes a timid-"

Ack, shut up-

"No one likes a timid boy, Keigo."

I get it. I know. I'm not weak, Diane. Will you stop? I'm not timid anymore. Alright?

B-But....she's right.

I can't let anyone see.

I can't let Ari see.

I want to put her at ease, don't I? I can't let her see me break. I'm her angel of the sky. I'm supposed to make her believe everything is alright.

But, I can still tell her the truth. Sure, it's not the way she wants me to. Ari's a romantic, and a bit of a dramatic. Now, I don't mean dramatic in an insulting way, though that little chickadee sure knows how to get under my skin sometimes. Heh.

But, no I just mean dramatic in the way that...she appreciates big moments, like the ones you see in movies. If I was gonna tell her I'm a double agent, it's supposed to be a speech of me pouring my heart out to her, me pouring out everything I've been hiding inside my heart...

It's supposed to be me letting my guard down, being vulnerable with her, asking her to help me. Sure, maybe I'd even be crying....hearing her whisper sweet nothings into my ear to let me knows she's listening....she'd hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. It'd be a moment of me, not just letting out all of the information I've been hiding for the past seven months...but also the deep rooted, heavy emotions that come with the job.

It's supposed to be me showing her the very weakest and deepest parts of my heart. The parts that no one...not a soul has seen, except for myself.

Romantic. Intimate. That's what she wants.

She wants all of me. Keigo Takami. She wants the man I am when I'm alone. The man who's not afraid to be weak and true to himself....

And I am sorry. But, I can't give her that man.

Because I can't even give myself that man.

I have shown Ari more parts of my true self than I have to anyone else. She knows things about me that no one else knows. She knows things about myself that I don't even realize. She's coaxed me into believing that it's okay to be me.

She's caring and wonderful and beautiful, and I am so grateful to her for allowing me to tap into the little Keigo Takami I remember from all those years ago...

But....

Weakness. Vulnerability. Fear. Timidness....

These are parts of me that even I haven't dug up. I neglect these emotions, because that's what I've been trained to do. I've been trained to believe that I don't even possess them anymore-and I don't. They are gone. I'm.....I'm sure of it.

"Slow your scared heart rate, little Keigo...and you'll be rewarded."

"Stop crying, little Keigo....and you'll be rewarded."

"Listen to me....and you'll be rewarded."

"If you keep showing signs of weakness...you'll be punished-"

Because if I go to those places in my mind....I will lose it. I'll lose control. I'm not in control of anything. I'm not in control of my life.

But, I'm in control of what I feel. I can choose how I react.

Sure, sometimes it builds up. You remember my panic attack...

But even then, Ari and I never really talked about my panic attack. I feel guilty even saying it, but I purposely left early the next morning because I didn't want her to bring it up. I didn't want her to dig into my soul and awaken everything I've worked so hard to suppress. Me and the hero commission, we've perfected the perfect soldier outta me. Together, we've locked away my heart, and caged it in the most unbreakable walls. Years of grooming. Years of psychological torture-training, I mean. Years of Diane's voice inside my head, telling me everything I didn't want to hear, and forcing me to believe it. And now, I do believe it.

But, Ari....

Ari scares me, because I know for a fact, that out of all the people in this world...

She has the ability to break those last walls. She has the ability to make me....feel.

And for me....feeling...

Feeling is my biggest weakness of all.

And weakness....

"is not acceptable, timid boy."

So, I'm sorry little dove. I love you. Ah man, I love you more than anything. But, no matter how hard I try....

I just can't give you all of me. It's not on purpose, I'm just incapable of it. I don't even know how to do it. I'm broken and you can't fix me. Understand?

You can't fix me. No one can. And don't try to.

This....this is who I am. This is who I'll always be.

Ari softly cleared her throat, bringing me back to reality.

"And the escape. How did you do it?" She asked from the bathtub, the sloshing sound of water signaling she was probably getting out to dry off.

I kept my blank eyes to the floor, reflecting on the horror and hell I put Ari and I through a few days ago.

Remembering the look in Dabi's eyes when he found out she escaped, and how he tried to kill me. Or how I ended up dragging Twice into the pits with me, not only allowing him...but also encouraging him to take the fall for me. Twice didn't actually do anything wrong though. He's not a bad guy. Y'know, come to think of it, I wonder how he's doing after all of this-

But then again, that's not my problem, is it. I couldn't care less about what happens to him...

I closed my eyes as I realized Ari was drying off from her bath. I didn't want to tempt myself to look at her naked body. I know we're kind of in limbo with our relationship at the moment. I get it.

"Yeah. The escape....well...here's how it went on my end..." I sighed, reflecting back on the chaos of that night.

And here's the only reason Dabi agreed to spare your life.