Top pic credit: unknown

Keigo POV: Flashback from three days ago (part 1/3)

I remained perched on the building top, as I overlooked Best Jeanist's apartment complex a few streets away.

How long have I been crouched here? Ten minutes? Thirty minutes?

I don't know. I'm not sure. I kinda lost track of time, if I'm being honest with ya.

I don't feel anything, yet I know my body is reacting. I know my heart is pounding out of my chest. I know there's a sweat on my face, even though it's chilly outside. I know my body is shaking and trembling as an unhealthy amount of adrenaline continues to shoot itself into my veins.

But, I don't feel it.

I'm simply numb. Because I have to be.

Because, if I'm not.....I will lose my damn mind.

This is how I survive.

I don't hear the sounds of the bustling city night below. I don't pay attention to the happy couple below me, stealing kisses and laughing the night away.

But, I do hear my phone ringing. Because I already know exactly who it is.

Keeping my eyes blank and lost in a voided sea of nothing, I pulled out my phone, answering it without looking at the caller I.d.

"I'm here." I stated in monotone, feeling the night breeze softly rustle up my hair.

"Good..." Diane started off on the other line, before she continued a moment later.

"Don't leave any trace that you were there. Remember your training. Remember why you're doing this." She said, her voice cold and controlling as she tried to make sure I had no intention of backing out now.

I can't. I don't have a choice.

"Starting the mission. I'll report back when I'm finished." I replied blankly, quickly cutting the call short so I could stop talking to her. I didn't want to talk to her.

I didn't want to talk to anyone. I want to shut everyone out, the same way I always do when I'm about to do something difficult. The same way I've done for sixteen years.

So, if that's true....then, why are my fingers navigating my phone screen to Ari's message box?

Why are my eyes scanning her unread message from a few hours ago? Why is my mind unable to process everything that's going on around me, yet still drink in the words of her text like it's the only thing I could understand?

Text Message From: Intern Ari ;)

Just got back from Tengoku. Here at UA. I wanted to thank you again for surprising me with the family visit, the 'Nest'...and your promises. I had an amazing time with you and I can't wait to have many more moments like that one, forever. I love you. Just message when you can. No pressure. I know you're busy.
5:17 pm.

Love.

She said she loves me.

She said the family, as if it's my family, as well.

She mentioned the home I bought for us.

She sent me a text message to let me know she's thinking about me. To let me know she cares.

She's giving me the one thing I always wanted-the one thing I didn't even know I wanted for sixteen years...

Which is....someone.

Sure, it's not just any someone. But the 'someone.' The first someone to know me, as Keigo. The someone who I can trust....who I can talk to, and feel confident that what I'm saying, doesn't bore them or annoy them.

It's the someone I can escape to. The person who will hug me and give me affection.....who will make me forget about being Hawks, so I can actually feel alive. The someone who will give me a new perspective, and show me that there's more to life than just doing whatever I'm ordered to do.

The someone who tells me that it's okay to have my own opinions-especially, my own opinions that don't line up with the hero commission. I'd never had that before. It's the someone who encourages me to think for myself, and tells me I'm smart and correct in my own thoughts.

It's the someone who is there for me. The someone who is able to free me....give me a way out of the darkness.....and save me from myself...

It's the someone who loves me.

And after a lifetime of being controlled and forcefully blinded by others....I have finally found that someone, and her name is Ari Parker.

And it's because of Ari Parker that I feel the conflict, deep within my soul-very deep within my soul....trying to find a way out of its cage, and scream out how wrong this is.

Yeah, I know.

I'm not the same man I used to be. I get that.

Inner conflict never used to be something that mattered to me. In the back of my mind, I always knew it was there. But, I never allowed myself to hear it, because I'd built up a strong enough prison for my own thoughts and moral conscience, to where I figured I'd never be able to hear myself think ever again.

But, now....the prison has been cracked. Hawks and Keigo are becoming blended and blurred, and I don't know what to think anymore.

Who is who?

What is right?

What is the greater good?

I can't separate my two realities, anymore. Hawks and Keigo. There's two sides to every equation now. It's not just Diane's side, anymore. Now....it's also my side.

If I don't kill Best Jeanist today, there's a high chance Dabi will see through my ruse and kill me.

And then, that means....the someone who I've tried so hard to protect....will now suffer, because of me. It means that one day, she'll be fighting with herself, the same way I am right now...not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say.

And I don't want her to go through that. Because, currently, my own head is literally torturing me and destroying me from the inside out.

But, if I do kill Best Jeanist.....people are bound to suffer, anyways.

I won't lie to Ari this time. I'm done with the lies. I'll tell her the truth about what I did here tonight. I'll tell her the threat that Diane gave me, and I'll explain to her how I took his life.

And then, I'll lose her because of it.

The dreams I had of having my family with Ari....of growing old together....of living free....

Will become tainted, just like every other dream I've ever had.

But, Ari's life is more important than my silly day dreams. Her safety matters more.

And my back isn't broad enough to put the people at ease. I'm not enough on my own. I have the entire country on my back, asking for my help. I have Diane's threat of Ari looming over my head. I have Dabi waiting for me to make the kill.

So, even though I can hear the voice inside my soul screaming at me to stop and think about how I know that what I'm about to do is wrong...

I need to become the man I used to be, and stop thinking for myself.

Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes...cursing myself for seeing the image of Ari's beautiful smile flooding my mind.

If Ari were here, she would tell me to let Jeanist live. She'd tell me she knows I'm better than this. She'd tell me that Diane is wrong.

She would tell me that I'm a good person, who should do the right thing. She'd already be making an alternate, no doubt...perfect, sensible plan, that would immediately make me feel comforted and supported enough to go along with it. I know. I can already hear her voice trying to penetrate past my Hawks mask.

But, I can't listen to her today.

Quickly opening my eyes once more, I shoveled the thoughts back down to the bottom of my heart, now activating my fierce feathers to sense the security cameras inside Jeanist's apartment building.

It was relatively easy. I just used the same approach....Ari's approach, that she came up with when we broke into the school, to take out the cameras of Jeanist's apartment.

And it's done.

I have one hour until the security guard comes back from his break.

Jeanist will be dead by then.

************************************************

My heart rate spiked as I knocked on the door, hearing Jeanist's footsteps padding around on the other side.

I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. Remember that.

The door swung open a few moments later, revealing a casually dressed Best Jeanist, looking down at me in confusion.

Diane's training kicked in immediately, as I felt a lazy Hawks smile mindlessly graze my face...giving my head a lopsided tilt as I looked at Jeanist through dead, dull eyes.

"Hawks?" He simply asked in confusion, the high collared turtleneck he was wearing covering the majority of his face as usual.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, ignoring the cold sweat I felt forming on the back of my neck as I rocked back and forth on my heels.

"The one and only. Got a few minutes for a fellow fan?" I smirked, raising my brows at him in question as I patiently waited for him to offer me an entrance in.

I need to get inside the apartment.

My wish was granted as Jeanist gave me a small nod, quickly stepping aside the doorway and gesturing for me to come in.

My hands are trembling.

I don't feel it, remember?

I casually sauntered through the open doorway, giving my arms a stretch over my head in a secret way to ease the nervous-I mean, the fatigued shake of my muscles.

I didn't get very far, before I heard Jeanist clear his throat...causing me to immediately turn around as I thought he might be onto me.

The moment I turned around, a pair of house slippers were quickly shoved into my chest.

"Shoes off." He uttered in slight annoyance with my dirty sneakers, making me snicker softly as I kicked my shoes off and put on the slippers.

"Ah, good ol' Jeanist. You haven't changed a bit." I pointed out, ignoring the way my wings twitched up slightly.

"Guess I could say the same for you..." He started off, slowly trudging into the kitchen before he continued speaking.

He's injured. He's slower. He's weaker. Remember, he's useless-

"I almost didn't recognize you in casual clothes. So....is that what the kids are wearing these days?" He questioned in slight distaste, giving a small nod to my busy jacket as he retrieved two tea cups from his cupboard.

I faked a chuckle, cursing the way it came out slightly stiff, before looking interestedly around his apartment.

Suddenly, everything around me became more interesting than the man, himself.

My eyes refused to look at him, even if I tried.

Come on, Hawks. Dissociate. Block it out. Death is nothing new to you. You will kill him within the next ten minutes.

"Heh, no need to sound like an eighty year old man about it, Jeanie. C'mon, dude. It's not as if my cool jacket is any worse than that denim on denim combo you wear everyday." I countered lightly, feeling the taste of vomit starting to chuck up my throat without my permission.

Relax. It's for the greater good, remember? You get your hands dirty, so that no one else has to. So that Ari doesn't have to.

"Hmph. Well, to each his own, I guess. If you wanna walk around, wearing a jacket that looks like the cloth of an old lady's couch, there's not really much I can do to stop you." He pointed out casually, walking back over with two full tea cups. Green tea.

He knows I prefer it over the black tea.

Damn, if I didn't feel so much pressure-I mean, so much intensity right now, I would have genuinely laughed at a comment like that. Jeanist always has the best roasts, y'know. It's not somethin' you'd expect from a guy like him, but it's pretty great.

"That's the spirit!" I chirped out, eyeing the tea cup in his hand that was meant for me.

Fingerprints.

"Ah, just leave mine on the counter, if you would. I'll pick at it when I'm ready." I shrugged dismissively, cursing the way my eyes quickly left his gaze to distractedly dart around the room.

"Could have told me that before I walked all the way over here with it." He mumbled with only slight exasperation, turning on his heel to set my tea cup back on the counter.

While Jeanist had his back turned, I used my fierce feathers to sense for any other bodies in the house.

There were none.

"So...just you here, then? Or what?" I suddenly blurted out, furrowing my brows in slight confusion with myself as I said the words.

I just checked with my feathers that no one else was in the house. Why did I ask him that when I already know the answer? Stop stalling time.

Ignoring the way my teeth began grinding together in stress, I felt my hand automatically run through my hair, noticing the way my face was much sweatier than I originally thought.

"Yes. Just me. I don't need a lot of space. Why, were you expecting someone else?" Jeanist asked, walking back over to me.

He stopped in his tracks slightly to take in my appearance, causing me to swallow thickly as I forced myself to calm down.

Don't let him get suspicious.

"I dunno. You seem kinda like a secret stud. Wouldn't put it past ya to have a few lovers lying around here and there. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." I winked, feeling my eyes distractedly wander over to the clock on the wall in front of me.

I'm running out of time. Stop messing around.

Jeanist shook his head, clearly not amused with my comment. He was about to respond, before I felt myself cut him off again.

"Do you have a family, by the way?" I blurted out without warning, internally flinching at such an obvious, rookie statement from myself.

It doesn't matter if he has a family or not. Either way, he still has to die. And you will kill him, Hawks.

Jeanist studied my face oddly at such a weird question from me, waiting a few seconds before responding.

"Well, I-"

"You know what? Forget it. I don't wanna know-I mean, we can talk about that later. Let's just start with the usual how're you doing these days?" I quickly backtracked, feeling my pounding heart starting to get louder in my ears now as my eyes trailed back to the clock.

I vaguely heard Jeanist respond as my hearing started to fade out slightly, feeling a sharp ringing sound penetrating within my eardrum.

I....don't feel it-

"My condition has improved." He simply stated, turning his full attention on me now.

Forcing my eyes back on my target, I felt bile threatening to come back up my throat again at just the mere sight of him now.

I don't feel it.

"Can't you just ask the old lady at UA to give ya a smooch or somethin'? Then, you'll probably be back to normal right?" I asked with a very slight waver in my voice-wondering why I even asked that question in the first place.

He can't be saved anymore, Hawks. Stop trying to find a way to make him appear as useful. He's not. He's useless. He's nothing. He's just a body. He's a target.

"Her quirk cannot recover what's already been lost..." Jeanist started off, causing me to swallow with noticeable thickness now as he said the words.

His eyes remained locked on my appearance, as he slowly continued speaking....looking as relaxed as ever.

"But, a man can go on living with just one lung. I plan to step back into the spotlight shortly and correct the injustices of this world once more." He stated carefully, the mere statement causing the ringing in my ears to become worse.

There's no more time to waste. Do it. Now. Do it.

Fuck.

I felt a smile suddenly turn upwards onto my face, as the pressure of this whole thing started to become too much for me.

I. Don't. Feel. It.

Come on, Kei-Hawks. The greater good.

I couldn't even fake a genuine smile this time, as I know the grin on my face came out completely crooked and demented-no doubt, making me look like a fucking psychopath.

Proceed. I need to be the same man I used to be. All of Japan. Ari. They need you.

A small, out of sorts chuckle escaped my lips, before I felt my hand yank my strongest feather out of my wings, without thinking.

My eyes had, apparently, redirected themselves away from Jeanist again at some point, causing me to force them back on him.

"Is that so...?" I started off breathlessly, my voice low and unstable as I sharpened my feather blade to its absolute maximum.

My eyes remained trained on him now, gaze focused enough to burn a hole through his head.

"Well, that's just too bad." I smiled, the unfamiliar tone of my voice barely being heard, due to the pounding heart beat and ringing sound in my eardrums. Honestly, the sound and feeling alone made me think my head might explode before I could finish the job.

Jeanist simply looked at me blankly, not moving from his spot as he trailed his eyes over to my sharpened feather.

"Oh yeah? And what do you plan to do with that?" He asked casually, clearly already knowing the answer.

"Ah, this?" I chirped out happily, giving my blade another twirl, before pointing it in his direction.

"I plan to stab it through your fuckin' skull, if you really wanna know the truth. Or, maybe I'll stab it through your other lung to make it even on both sides. It's your death. Which do you prefer?" I questioned, sounding as if I had just asked him what he wanted for dinner.

I didn't say anything more....not trusting myself to speak clearly this time, as I simply stood there, waiting. I'm not quite sure what I was waiting for.

Maybe, I was waiting for him to react and try to attack me first. Maybe, I was waiting for a look of shock to finally register on his face, as he realized I'd be the last person he saw before he died. Maybe, I was waiting for him to beg for his life-or go the complete opposite route and tell me he hopes to see me in hell, and that he wishes me the worst.

But, whatever I was expecting....it definitely wasn't his actual response.

"Ah, yes. I was waiting for that. Although, I'll admit...for a man who's claimed to be too fast....you sure took your sweet time in bringing us to this point." He sighed casually, giving a soft nod of acknowledgement to my feather blade.

The crazy smile slowly fell from my face as he spoke the words, causing me to tilt my head to the side in pure question.

"Huh? You were waiting for it, you say? So....you know, then? You know what's happening?" I asked in pure disbelief, feeling myself becoming more confused as this conversation went on.

It wasn't even supposed to go this far. Jeanist should already be dead by now.

His eyes slowly trailed away from my own, as he turned his pondering, calm gaze to the ceiling.

"Do I know the details of what's going on? No. I have no idea. Did I figure out that you came here to murder me, within the first three seconds of you walking through my front door? Yes, absolutely. You may be the number two hero. But, you're also still very young, with a lot to learn in life." He explained, not moving from his spot as he kept his eyes away from me.

I stood there in dumbfounded shock at Jeanist's words, trying to find out which part gave me away.

As if reading my thoughts, Jeanist explained himself.

"You seem to be uncharacteristically lacking quite a bit of self awareness right now, Hawks. You're obviously very nervous and out of sorts, so let me tell you what I see-what I've been seeing, ever since you walked inside. Your eyes are completely bloodshot. You're dripping in sweat. I don't even think you realize your words are coming out slurred, practically incoherent and senseless-probably from your major spike in adrenaline. Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you puke in the sink, and not all over my clean floor." He pointed out casually, gesturing to the kitchen sink that was located behind me.

I stared at him distantly, trying to process his words, before I found myself laughing dryly. Admittedly, I didn't really know what else to say or do, at this point. He kinda caught me off guard.

"So that's it then, huh? You knew I was here to stab a blade through your fucking head, and yet, you simply pretended to know nothing about it...letting me talk senselessly, until I finally snapped? What're you playing at here, man?" I stated with very subtle impatience in my voice, feeling my chill demeanor starting to slip ever so slightly now that I know I've been found out.

Stick with the plan, Hawks. Just do as your told-

"I have no clue what it is you've gotten yourself into this time, number two. But, I can't say it surprises me. From the moment I met you when you were eighteen years old, I always knew there was more than what you showed people. Sure, to the fans of the world, you're known as the invincible, charming hero of Japan, Hawks-"

"Well, ya hit the money with that one, Jeanie. Cause that's exactly who I am." I smirked out forcibly, not meaning to intervene so strongly-or at all, for that matter-

"But to me, you know what I see?"

"Doesn't matter what you see. In a few minutes, you won't be seeing anything ever again, so-"

"I see a kid who's in way over his head. A kid who's suffering from a constant identity crisis-confused about who he is, and who he wants to be." He continued, causing my heavy breathing to become more audible in my ears now as I gripped the feather blade tighter in my hands.

"I never asked you-"

"A kid who seems to be in a constant battle with himself about what he should do. Who he should listen to. When it's okay to think for himself. If it's okay to think for himself. No one doubts that you've been given a lot of responsibility at such a young age. And no one doubts you can handle it." Jeanist stated calmly, turning his eyes back to me-which caused me to involuntarily close mine.

"Because I can handle it." I stated roughly, not quite sure why I felt the need to even continue speaking with him.

Just kill him already, Hawks.

"Whether that's true or not, is a different story." Jeanist stated softly, his eyes almost showing a quick flash of pity before gaining back their determination.

I didn't react. I didn't move. I wasn't doing anything I should be doing, as I simply stared at Jeanist with blank emptiness, almost as if waiting for him to tell me what to do.

Shit. Now is not the time to be confused and second guessing myself.

Who am I?

Yet, my brain was still putting up a good fight to get my head back in the game, as I felt the words leave my lips without thinking about them...ignoring everything that Jeanist just said, as I tried to force myself to remember who I am.

"You've performed your job well. The Hero Commission and I thank you for your service." I said in blank monotone, giving the feather blade in my hand a small twirl to try and get any kind of aggressive reaction out of him.

I almost wanted him to hate me. It would definitely make this a hell of a lot easier.

But, all I got was a pondering look and small nod of acknowledgement.

"Ah, so it is the Hero Commission, huh? I had a bit of a feeling that I was in trouble, when Diane Himura and I spoke at Ari's celebration ceremony..." He started off, the mention of Ari's name causing my heart to twinge in pure pain as I felt my numb emotions slowly starting to become clear with feeling.

Ari.

I'm sorry, Ari.

"But, having the Commission send you to do their dirty work? Pretty cowardice, if you ask me. Especially, considering how hard of a time you're having right now. Quite honestly, I would have much preferred you caught me off guard and ended it quickly, rather than letting me know I'm about to die. Another tip for your future kills, I guess." Jeanist explained casually, the words causing a small groan of frustration to rumble from my throat.

I inhaled sharply, gritting my teeth roughly as I felt my anger rising at no one other than myself.

"Look man....there's a lot going on here, that you don't understand, alright? Do you think I want to do this?" I started off with a dry laugh, watching Jeanist cross his arms and stay silent as he waited for me to continue.

So, I did continue. Making things worse and harder on both of us.

"I just need a body. It's nothin' personal against you. I actually really liked ya, Jeanie. Honest. It's a real shame to have to do this to you. But, some things....some things you just gotta do for the greater good. And this....this is one of those things. I'm just trying to do my job as a hero and save everyone, alright? I'm just doing what I've been ordered to do. So, you understand then. Right? Huh? You understand why I have to do this? You get it. You get that I don't want to kill you. I don't...I-I don't wanna kill you." I explained breathlessly, my voice wavering slightly towards the end.

I don't feel it. I.....don't...feel i-

The numb feeling in my body gradually started to fade away, as I became more aware of my surroundings....more aware of what I was actually about to do.

No. Fight it. Don't think about it. Block it out-

"Keigo." Best Jeanist started off, causing me to let out a small grunt of agitation.

Oh no.

There he goes, saying my name....as if that's the thing that's supposed to break me, and get through to me.

It was a celebration ceremony for All Might, a few years back. All heroes were forced to attend. Jeanist accidentally overheard Diane say it, when she was reprimanding me backstage. He asked me afterwards in casual conversation if 'Keigo' was my real name, and just to piss off Diane, I told him it was.

And I'm really regretting that now.

"Careful, there. Never said you were allowed to call me that." I practically growled out this time, feeling my eyes starting to blaze as I burned them into Jeanist with a forced type of hatred.

I'm trying to make myself hate him.

"I know you don't want to kill me, Keigo. I can see how hard of a time you're having. You're not moving, and you seem to be completely lost about most things right now, so let me give you my advice. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't do this. Not even because of my life. But for yours." He explained honestly, causing my eyes to widen in pure disbelief and shock at what he just said.

It made me angry. Yes. He's giving me a reason to be angry. Of course, that's what he's doing. Right?

I scoffed slightly at his statement, feeling another crazed, confused smile making its way onto my face.

"Now, you're gonna try and pretend that sparing your life is for my benefit? What a bad negotiator, you are. You'd make a horrible spy-"

"You know, Keigo.....I've always ragged on you, and given you a hard time...but the truth of the matter is, I actually really like you. I've always enjoyed your company-" He said calmly, not appearing to be tensed in the slightest...

.....he's the complete opposite of myself, as I felt an extreme amount of pain immediately fill my heart at his words, realizing any numb emptiness I'd been able to conceal my emotions in had now broken over like a dam.

I felt myself starting to lose it now, as my poker face had been shattered.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, muttering profanities, as I wiped the sweat from my forehead with my free hand.

But, Keigo and Hawks continued to torture me brutally as I couldn't find it within myself to disobey a direct order just yet. Even though I really wanted to.

"If you're trying to get me to spare your life, it ain't gonna work, buddy. No matter what you say, no matter how much you try to convince me to save your life, you're still gonna die today. That's just life." I chuckled a bit dementedly, giving Jeanist a blank smile as I shrugged my shoulders with fake carelessness.

He watched with pity as the feather blade in my hand began to tremble uncontrollably, taking no actions to try and prepare himself for a counter attack against me.

"I don't want your spirit to be broken over this. The fact that you haven't killed me yet...the fact that you continue to talk with me....it's clear to see that you're looking for a way out. Whatever this is....whatever you're involved in....just let me help you." He said softly. The casual tone his voice had taken on during the majority of this conversation had now turned to one of concern and sadness.

And it wasn't concern and sadness for his own wellbeing.

Is this guy insane?

I ran a wild hand through my hair, shaking my head in slight disbelief for the way this plan was going. I definitely wasn't expecting it.

I felt myself starting to fly off the handle now, as I was genuinely torn down the middle about what the hell I should do.

Who am I?

Directing my crazed eyes at Jeanist, I couldn't even hold back the loud tone of my voice now, hearing my own sound of frustrated, confused guilt grinding uncomfortably against my ringing ears.

"H-How can you even be selfless like that when I'm literally about to murder you?! What the hell is wrong with you, dude? I hope you know how crazy you sound-"

"Keigo, you're a good boy-"

No.

"Shut up." I groaned out in an agonizing tone that was much too emotional for Jeanist to let go.

"I can clearly see this is killing you-"

"I don't wanna hear it-"

"You say that, yet you don't even realize the appearance you have on your face, that makes you look like you're about to cry-"

"I said shut up!! I won't say it again-"

"Who do you want to be, Keigo? What do you want to do?" Jeanist asked a little louder this time, as I began pulling my hair with one hand, dragging my head back towards the ceiling in pure fury with myself for not moving.

Eight months ago, this would have never been an issue. Jeanist would have been dead as a door nail by now, lying in a pile of his own blood.

So, what changed? What changed me...

Well, I think you know.

"It doesn't matter what I want!!-" I suddenly snapped, whipping my eyes back towards him.

He was already looking at me, simply shaking his head in disagreement.

"Yes, it does. It always matters-"

Who am I?

I can't go back now-

"There's more to you than just Hawks and the hero commission!!-"

And that's where you're wrong.

I inhaled sharply feeling my feet leave the floor, as I began flying towards Jeanist with my feather blade in hand.

Yes. That's it.

I snapped.

Good. I'm glad I snapped. Now, kill him.

Out of natural fight instinct, I saw Jeanist's strong fibers immediately shoot out of his sweater, quickly making their way towards me.

I can just shoot feathers at him. He can just manipulate the fibers of my clothing. The fight could be over in a flash, from either one of us.

But, I didn't do that and neither did Jeanist. Instead, more time was stalled as I dodged the fiber attack that came from his own clothes, landing my feet on top of his couch pillows.

"No feet on the couch." He groaned out in annoyance, causing me to chuckle dryly at his humor with this situation, before I felt his fibers wrap around my ankle.

Damn, really? He got me? Are you serious?

Wow. I'm really off my game today.

"Shit." I hissed out, feeling my other foot give out from under me as Jeanist dragged my feet off the couch with his fabric fibers.

His pulling caused me to slam into the coffee table, knocking over the books that were resting atop it.

I used my extremely sharp feather blade to slice through the fiber wrap around my ankle, immediately flying full speed at Jeanist once more.

Too hazy from my lack of awareness, I barely dodged another fiber coming at my face, feeling it graze the lobe of my ear instead.

I barely noticed the stinging pain that now accompanied my ear, not focusing enough on how it now felt a little more bare and light than it did before.

"J-Just give it up." I growled out in an attempt to threaten him.

But, the words backfired, coming out in a tone laced with nothing but guilt and pure suffering.

Immediately catching onto my tone, Jeanist now stopped fighting.

He allowed me to grab him by the shoulders and slam him back into the wall.

He didn't even grunt in pain as the air obviously left his body too quickly, simply looking at me with sad eyes.

But, once again, it wasn't sadness for his own situation.

My god. He's killing me today.

Gaining back a little bit of my hard exterior, I burned my eyes into Jeanist emotionlessly, pointing the feather blade at his throat.

"I'll make it quick. Don't worry. I don't want you to feel it. I don't want you to suffer." I stated in mechanical monotone, feeling my body turn numb again.

Yes. That's it, Hawks. Do as your told. Good.

My vision was turning white hot. My heart sounded as if I was actually having a heart attack. My sweaty body was shaking so hard, you'd think I was freezing cold.

Kill him, Hawks. It's time. Kill him. This is who you are. Now, do it. Show everyone who you really are. Who you'll always be.

"Alright, Keigo. I won't torment you anymore than you've already tormented yourself over this. I understand. I was never planning on stopping you from killing me. I was just trying to give you another way out of the darkness. But, if this is what you feel you need to do, then I'm done trying to stop you. I've said my piece with you. You know how I feel." Jeanist said softly, his brows furrowing with acceptance.

I hesitated out of curiosity, tilting my head to the side in question.

"Won't you hate me for it?" I asked a little gentler, watching Jeanist immediately shake his head.

"No, I won't hate you. You're a good kid who was dealt a bad hand in life. I won't fault you for that. And I don't know what exactly it is you're involved in...but, clearly it's something very serious and detrimental to the hero society. I heard you say it's for the greater good. I know you're doing it for the heroes, since you also said the commission thanks me for my service. So, whatever this is....I can see it's a very hard thing you've been tasked to do. I know you don't want to do it. I know you don't have bad intentions in your heart. I've lived a good and honest life. If my death is truly something that will help the greater good of this world....then..." He started off, leaning his head back against the wall.

I watched as his hands came up very slowly, carefully tugging down the high collar of his turtleneck to display his neck and face for the first time. But, quite honestly, I think it was only to ensure I got a nice clean slice through his throat with the inevitable stab that was coming.

"Then, go ahead. I'm done trying to stop you. Do it. Perform your duty, number two. Just make sure my death isn't in vain, alright?" Jeanist stated clearly, now dragging his eyes up to the ceiling as he prepared himself to die.

His voice was clear. Clearer than I've ever heard it, now that there wasn't a high collar of cotton muffling it.

He's giving me an easy out. He's letting me kill him.

This is what I wanted.

I grit my teeth together harshly, getting a tighter grip on his collar as I focused in on his lively eyes.

This is the right choice.

"I'll make it quick." I whispered out weaker than before, causing Jeanist's eyes to trail back to me.

"Yes, I know. You've already said that, yet you're making it incredibly slow right now by delaying it." He replied casually, watching my breaths become short.

He's the one about to die, yet I'm the one freaking out.

Come on, Hawks. Think about the mission. You can't fail again. There's too much at stake to fail again. The greater good. Diane. Ari. Dabi. Do it. There's no other way.

"Okay." I breathed out shakily, furrowing my brows in disturbed concentration as I gripped the feather blade tighter in my hand now.

Jeanist saw my new found determination, closing his eyes this time as a way to prepare.

Don't stall anymore time.

And yet...

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you, Keigo. You can rest easy."

Who am I?-

I immediately cleared the thoughts from my head, feeling my mind go blank, so my body could take over.

Wasting no more time, I jolted my blade filled hand forward as hard as I could, hearing the pointed tip stab brutally through the target, not more than a second later.

And apparently...

The target....was the wall next to Jeanist.

My breathing was heavy as I stared at my feather with wide eyes, before turning my attention back to Best Jeanist.

For the first time tonight, his look matched my own as he saw the blade stuck in the wall, just mere inches from piercing his throat.

He looked at me in silent, surprised question-seeming pretty shocked that I didn't actually kill him.

Yeah. Me too.

I didn't utter a word, staring at my feather with blank panic as I tried to process what the hell just happened.

I let out a shaky, emotional breath as I attempted to will myself to try again, still holding the feather in my trembling hands.

Do it, Hawks. Do it.

Just....do....

Just.....

.........no. I can't. I can't do it.

I could have done it eight months ago. But, I can't do it now.

I can't do it, because I've changed. I'm not the same person I used to be.

As confused as I've become about who I am, deep down in my heart...I know I have changed.

Eight months ago...I didn't have anyone to speak to. I didn't have anyone to save me. Or make me open up my heart.

Eight months ago...I didn't have a break through moment where I was able to let my emotions run free and truly be myself. Truly be Keigo Takami for the first time since I'd been a child.

Eight months ago...I never had anyone give me an ounce of love, and show me what it's like to be loved. I never had anyone show me kindness. Or, show me that there's more to life than this.

Eight months ago.... I never allowed myself to think about things that are perceived as weaknesses. I never allowed myself to feel or get attached to anyone.

Eight months ago...I let Ari Parker into my life.

She has changed me. She has made me a better man. And it's because she gave me a chance....it's because she showed me what it's like to live and be human, that I'm not able to take Best Jeanist's life.

"What are you going to do, Hawks?" Jeanist asked quietly, taking me out of my bittersweet daydream.

Apparently, my body had calmed down now, too. My heart rate was no longer spiraling to a lethal level. Sure, I was a sweaty mess...but I didn't feel extremely hot or extremely cold anymore. My muscles had stopped trembling. My vision cleared. The ringing in my ears had fled.

My mind finally felt at rest.

And I was exhausted.

Turning my tamed gaze on Jeanist, I slowly released my tight grip on his shirt....controlling my lethal feather to immediately dull and become as soft as pillows once again.

"I can't kill you, man." I whispered softly, giving him a somber, yet peaceful look as I slowly backed away from him.

Jeanist looked at me in slight confusion-and obvious relief, not quite moving from his spot against the wall just yet.

"A-Ah yes. Well....I'm certainly happy to hear that." He muttered a little dazed, his out of sorts attitude making me realize that he was in fact very scared and shaken to die. He was just doing a good job of hiding it. Just like a true hero.

Even so, he spoke again....clearly seeing that I was finally in a moment of peace and clarity. A vulnerable type of calm after the storm demeanor.

"So, what changed?" He asked in peaceful curiosity.

"Everything." I barely whispered, giving a soft nod of acceptance to my final decision to let him live.

It was my own choice.

I blankly continued staring at the wall, wondering how this choice would affect me. How it will affect Ari and everyone else.

Do you think....I will really die now, because I didn't kill Best Jeanist?

I'm not sure. Maybe.

But, unlike eight months ago....

Now, I care if I die. And I won't go down, without a fight.

As much as I'd like to spill my life story to Jeanist and tell him absolutely everything, I am still working this infiltration mission. Just because I didn't kill him tonight, doesn't mean I'm done with this job. And it doesn't mean I'm giving up on my life or my choice.

But....now, I've chosen a path where I do need his help. I do need something from him. So, I'll have to tell him a little.

Dropping the Hawks attitude fully, I let out a tired sigh...feeling more deflated from this day, than anything.

"Look, Jeanist. I'll be honest, I can't tell you a whole lot about what's going on. I can tell you that I'm still a hero. I haven't betrayed that. I can tell you that...I'm...I'm currently undercover, trying to gain some information for the hero commission. And I can tell you, that I need your help with somethin.' And that's about all I can say." I explained softly, looking at him in silent question to help me out.

Although, I did just try and kill the guy. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't wanna help me.

Jeanist raised his brows in slight surprise with my words, giving his deflated hair a slight slick back with his fingers.

"Undercover, huh. So, that's what this is all about..." He whispered in slight awe, continuing a moment later.

"Wow. I must say....I'm actually...pretty shocked. You're undercover? Who knew you'd be the one who could keep the secrets." Jeanist said, the new sight of his mouth allowing me to see an actual smirk on his face.

It actually kind of amused me.

Feeling myself calm and collected now, I let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, well...they don't call me beauty and brains for nothin.'" I retorted lightly, watching Jeanist finally peel himself away from the wall.

"Oh yeah? And who calls you that?" He asked condescendingly, causing me to smile tiredly.

"Only the ones with common sense." I uttered, before letting out a small sigh.

Jeanist sensed my obvious lack of wanting to joke around, remaining quiet as he waited for me to speak first.

"So, what do ya think, man? Would you be willing to help me out?" I asked somewhat sheepishly, shoving my hands in my pockets as I waited for his answer.

Jeanist pursed his lips in thought for a single moment, before giving me a subtle nod of agreement.

"Yeah, sure thing, Hawks. What is it you need from me?" He asked. His answer made me feel relief, even though I had officially disobeyed Diane's direct order and possibly just gotten myself killed with Dabi.

But, even so....

I felt better now.

Even though it was a hard decision for me to make today, I don't regret choosing to let Jeanist live.

And I most certainly don't regret the past eight months of my life.

So, who am I?

"Keigo. Just...for right now...you can call me Keigo." I stated softly, giving him a small nod as I leaned against the wall to tell him my plan.

A world where Ari Parker didn't exist. Would it have made a difference in my decision today? Would I have killed Best Jeanist, if I'd never had a person like Ari in my life?

Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't care to know, either. Know why?

Because a world without Ari is not a world I can imagine, anymore.

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Next chapter title: Blood On Your Hands.
(part 2 of Keigo's flashback)