Top pic credit: unknown

Ari POV:

I blankly continued staring out into the dark night, leaning my arms forward on the freezing, metal railing of the balcony.

How long have I been here in this exact spot? I'm not sure. But, one thing I do know is that I left the party a long time ago.

I could feel the flakes of winter ice softly placing freezing kisses on my bare, cold hands. My scalp was starting to feel a bit chilly, so I had no doubt my dark hair was also sprinkled with snow. I'm sure my body was freezing, but I was too lost within myself to actually focus on that.

I debated on where I should go, after I left the party. Originally, I had started making my way to my room in an attempt to get some sleep. But, my thoughts are running wild. My emotions are too sensitive. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, why torture myself with pointless trying?

Instead, I made my way to one of the higher levels of the mansion. I don't know which one. I wandered around the empty, dark hallways until I found a door that led to a beautiful, outside balcony that overlooked the forest.

The full moon was shining bright, illuminating the snow coated grounds below. No one was up here, and I don't think anyone would be showing up anytime soon.

There are countless rooms in this mansion, and this balcony seemed relatively hidden. I don't think anyone would find me here, and if they did, I don't think they would care.

And I didn't care, either.

I wanted to be alone. I am alone. I feel alone. In more ways than one.

And my feeling of isolation makes me hate the person I currently am, because I don't like to loathe in self pity and feel sorry for myself, but you know what? I guess we all have our weak moments, sometimes. The moments where we just can't pick ourselves up, quite yet. The moments where, no matter how hard we try to push away the pain within our thoughts, our heart forces ourselves to take a step back and finally reflect on the root of the problem.

There are a million other problems I should be worrying about, but you know what? I can't. Right now, I can only worry about one problem.

Keigo.

All I can think about is Keigo. All I can focus on is Keigo. How much I love him. How many positive memories we've had, that will make me stop feeling the way I currently am.

The feeling of bliss I have inside my heart, when I open my eyes first thing in the morning and see his beautiful face. The way the corners of his eyes crinkle up when he's really happy, and how he never stops smiling when we're alone together.

Or how about the way he can't help but tilt his head to the side like a damn bird, when something confuses him. The way he buries his face in my neck when I make him embarrassed or flustered.

I love the way he laughs. Not that fake laugh Hawks does to charm the crowd. But, the way Keigo laughs when he thinks I did something goofy. Or when I tell a joke that wasn't even funny, but he giggles like a glee, little boy when I say it, anyways, because he knows I'm just trying to make him happy.

How about that soft skin of his? My fingertips are practically tingling right now, as I can imagine my hands running along his bare chest, feeling every scar and reminisce of his past that lines his overworked body.

I can practically feel him holding me with a touch so warm and soft, it has the power to make me forget all the bad things in my life, and focus solely on him.

The way his wings wrap around me.

The way he calls me 'chicky.'

The way he says 'I love you.'

Yes. Perfect. It's all perfect, isn't it, Ari? You've found the love of your life. It should all fall into place now, right? It should be easy now, shouldn't it? Love is enough, isn't it?

Isn't it?

I don't know. That's my answer.

I've never been in love, before Keigo. Sure, I have people that I love. But, I'd never experienced what it's like to actually give someone your soul. To vulnerably give them your entire soul, and trust them with it.

I did that with Keigo. Unintentionally, but fully. And he did that with me. It took a lot of pain and heartbreak to get there, but I had patience with it, because I had hope that we would get there.

Hope for the future. That's always been my outlook. That's always what kept me going.

I had hope that one day, Keigo would be able to tell me that he loves me-without having a wave of conflict and emotional damage from Diane wash over his eyes.

And he did. He tells me he loves me whenever he can now.

I had hope that he would finally learn to trust me, and find peace with me; that I would be the person he wants to talk to about the things in his life. Good things. Bad things. Confusing things. All of it.

And I am. Keigo trusts me with his life. He's open with me, and I can feel that I am his person of peace.

I had hope for the little things, too. That we would move in together. And we were set to. He bought us an apartment.

I had hope that one day we would get married. So, he promised me that we would.

I had hope that in the near future we would be able to finally overcome the obstacles that always seem to stand in our way of being together. That fighting through them would only get easier, until I'd finally built up a tolerance to this constant pain, where I no longer feel it.

And have I gotten there?

No. No I have not.

I've been trying. I've really been trying to stay patient. To keep moving forward with Keigo by my side. To look past the dark present and see the beautiful, peaceful, happy future that lies ahead. Because that's what kept me going. That's what gave me hope that there's a light beyond this never-ending darkness.

I used to be able to see it in my mind so clearly. Anytime I felt down about Keigo and I's situation, I would imagine everything good about our future. Everything I had to look forward to, when we could eventually fly high together.

But, you know what? You know what scares me?

I can't imagine it, anymore.

It's been like that for a bit of time. Things haven't been the same since the break up, whether it was real or not.

Because whether it was real or not, Keigo broke my heart. That was real. Unintentionally, I know. It wasn't his fault. But, it was something that woke me up from my honeymoon daydream with him; it allowed me to take off my blinders of love and infatuation for the handsome winged man, and get me thinking about reality. My reality, and how I'm currently living my life.

And, now, the more I think.....the more I can't seem to imagine a life past the heartbreaking pain, that seems to be a constant interruption in my relationship with Keigo. Because, it seems like every time we conquer one heartbreak, there's always another one that's waiting for us right around the corner.

We can't ever catch a break. And I'm tired.

Lately, instead of imagining a blissful dream of my future with Keigo, all I can wonder is what's coming next? What's going to break our hearts this time?

What am I going to have to brace myself for? Another breakup? Watching him pay attention to another woman right in front of me, for the sake of his job? Scrounging and fighting my way past everything that's trying to pull him away from me, only to have a second of his time-and then end up using this time to fight or reflect on how sad we are?

Is that any way to live? Is that what happiness is? Is that what true love is?

Because, if it is....I don't know if I want it. I don't know how much more emotional damage I can take. I'm only eighteen years old, and I feel as if I've already lived an entire lifetime with Keigo. And not in the good way.

I love Keigo too much. I care about him too much. I would do anything for him, and I know he means well.

But, it seems that somehow....one of us always gets hurt by the other.

And for the first time since I laid eyes on that man, past the day we met.....past the pain of his lies....the pain of his truths....the pain of his soul....the pain of his love...

For the first time, I have lost faith in him. In myself. In this relationship. I'm tired. Emotionally tired of constantly being hurt. Tired of constantly trying to keep up with him and hold on, when everything in my life is trying to tear me away from him.

He's too fast for me. He's surpassed my reach, and fallen out of my grasp.

And it kills me so much, that I can't react. I can't think about anything else. I mean, for fuck's sake, there's a damn war coming and I still can't care about anything else, but Keigo. So, on top of it all, my pain is also a distraction from the important things.

God, I'm really losing it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It breaks my heart, you know. Don't think that it doesn't. It hurts so much. That I'm the one who's falling apart this time, because I know that I can't fix these feelings I'm having. These are the demons of my own mind. The ones that have been plaguing me for awhile. The ones I've tried to hide from everyone, including myself.

But, the truth of the matter is, I am tired and I've given up.

Who's going to save me this time? Who's going to be there for me when I'm not strong? Who's going to fight for me, and tell me everything's going to be okay?

Given the circumstances lately, I don't expect anyone to. I'm just thinking out loud. That's all.

But, regardless, I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard the door behind me creak open to signal that someone was now here. I didn't look back. I didn't care. I wasn't hoping for anyone this time.

This person didn't say a word just yet, sighing softly in, what appeared to be, relief for finding me, before they slowly walked forward a little more, as not to scare me. They probably think that since I didn't react or turn around to face them, that I must not have heard them come in.

But, I did. I heard them.

And just by the footsteps and the sound of their sigh, I knew exactly who it was.

Just leave me alone. It's not a good time. I'll only push you away and hurt you with my thoughts. I'm not in a good place right now. Go away.

I balled my fists in emotional pain when I heard the footsteps carefully walking closer to me.

No, stop walking closer. I'm so conflicted in my feelings. I love you. I'm hurt. I just want to shut you out. Don't try to stop me from doing that.

I quickly spoke up. Saying something unfair and hurtful, in an attempt to keep this person from coming closer. To push them away.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Did you want to use this balcony to have some private time with your new girlfriend? My bad. Allow me to go." I stated in clear monotone, surprised at how cold, yet stable my voice came out. It was a big contrast to the emotional instability that's currently buzzing around in my mind.

The footsteps immediately stopped in their tracks upon hearing my words and my tone, exhaling a breath of frustration to try and keep patience.

"Wow. So, that's how you wanna start this off, huh? Hostile, just right off the bat like that? How's that approach workin' for ya? For us?" Keigo Takami stated firmly, voice irritated, yet genuine in nature to signal that we might actually be alone this time.

That's right. Skeptic got passed-out drunk at the party, so he's unable to monitor Keigo's wing cameras right now. He must know that. Especially, since I noticed that he was the one who was pouring shots down Skeptic's throat. Must have been planned from the start.

Dabi was well on his way there, too, when I left him at the bar. He was already on the bottom of his fifth or sixth beer.

So, miraculously, we're finally alone. And if it were any other night, but tonight, I would have forced my pain and feelings to the back of my mind once again, in an attempt to desperately savor this free moment with Keigo.

But, not tonight.

Not turning around to face him, I simply kept my gaze on the pretty moon....unable to focus too much on its beauty.

"That's funny. You're acting as if I'm the bad guy." I retorted emptily, mimicking the words he said to me earlier in the night.

"Oh, and I am?" He countered firmly, taking another step forward towards me, before stopping again.

I couldn't help but chuckle bitterly at his question, already knowing the answer, yet choosing to say the incorrect one, in order to push him away from me more.

"Well, you were the one who was practically fucking another woman on the dance floor, in front of your girlfriend. So....I dunno. You tell me." I shrugged, hearing Keigo's groan of exasperation sound from behind me.

Oh. Now, he's getting mad. I don't really care.

"Bit of an over-exaggeration there, sweetheart. Thought you were smart enough to see what was happening. But, in case you still can't seem to put two and two together, she's not the woman I want-"

Don't say things like that to make me weak for you. Let me feel this numb pain.

"Yeah, yeah, Keigo. I get it, alright. I know why you're sweet talking her. It's not your fault." I stated a little more hostile.

The funny thing is, I actually did mean what I was saying that time. But, I was starting to reach an unhinged point with my anger and hurt, that my voice came out, more like I was mocking him, instead. I wasn't.

But, he thought I was. Understandably so.

"Oh, is that really how ya feel? 'Cause it sure as hell doesn't seem that way." He retorted in a condescending tone that matched my own, signaling he was also starting to become more upset.

"Does it really matter how I feel?" I questioned sarcastically, gripping the metal railing of the ice cold balcony a little tighter at my own words. I wanted to stop the shake in my fingers.

Keigo was quiet for a moment, not retaliating right away as he tried to figure out my intentions with that question.

"What....what do you mean?" He asked a few minutes later, clearly a little confused but still impatient and angry.

I closed my eyes as I heard him walking closer to me again, not wanting to look at him and see his face, for fear that I would break.

"Even if I wasn't okay with you letting some woman fondle you in front of me. Even if I wasn't okay with the rude way you act when you're around Dabi. Even if I wasn't okay with you, breaking up with me in your apartment, only to reel me back in whenever you can, with no closure. Even if I wasn't okay with you doing this infiltration mission, anymore. Would it still matter how I feel?" I asked plainly, my voice coming out a little weaker now as I felt him finally come up next to me.

I swallowed thickly as the feathers of his wing unintentionally brushed up against my back from the close distance, keeping my eyes closed tiredly to only see the darkness. That's all I wanted to see.

Once again, Keigo didn't answer right away...clearly noticing this uncharacteristic state of mind from me. I don't normally act like this. It's usually me who's always trying to be supportive and positive about our situation. I'm always the one trying to tell him that everything's okay, so I know I threw him through a loop. I could tell he was trying to process it, and get a read on me.

"Okay....so, I'm gathering....that this is about more than just what happened tonight..." Keigo started off quietly pondering, the anger slowly dissipating from his voice as he tried to figure out what was going on in my head.

He took a slow, deep breath before continuing, trying to find the right words to say.

"Ari, after this mission.....I told you I want to retire. I want to be finished with the hero commission stuff and live my life freely. With you. That is me giving up all of the things you just mentioned. Gladly. So, yes. To answer your question, it does matter how you feel." He finished softly, his voice coming out as a little coaxing now as I'm sure he was studying the obviously troubled look that was probably on my face.

He wants to live freely with me. Yes, he's talking about the future. The good future we're supposed to live out together. That's what Keigo's currently thinking of.

But, all that my poisoned mind can think right now is...

"And then what?" I asked shakily, the anger fleeing from my own voice as it was replaced with one of urgency. Desperation.

Sure, one could have taken the question as a daydream. Imagining the exciting wonders that lie ahead, right?

But, I asked the question for a different reason. To try and piece together the next obstacle that will lie between Keigo and I. I want to know in advance. I want to prepare myself, so I won't be caught off guard in the peace for too long.

Poor Keigo was surely confused as to where this conversation was going. Quite honestly, I wasn't sure, myself. I guess, I was just waiting for that thing. I was waiting for that thing that's supposed to make me feel better. The thing that's supposed to put things into perspective, and make me see clearly. The thing that's supposed to make the lightbulb go off, and make me remember why I'm still here, fighting through all of this.

But, Keigo's next answer did not provide me with that thing.

"Hm, well.....I'm not quite sure, yet. I dunno what lies ahead, chicky. But, as long as I got you, it doesn't matter, right? We're always ready for whatever comes next." He tried reassuringly, making my teeth grit in conflicted pain when I suddenly felt his warm hand gently rest atop my ice cold one.

His words were sweet and genuine. I wish they helped. It hurts me that they don't. I want them to help.

Slowly and hesitantly, I slid my hand out from under Keigo's, causing his fingertips to lightly fall onto the balcony railing.

I opened my eyes, aiming my gaze right at the moon again to avoid Keigo's eyes. I know the action of removing my hand from his own definitely caught his concern, since I could feel him looking at me in my peripheral vision.

"Ari." He stated a little more seriously now, realizing I was refusing to look at him.

His voice was filled with hints of growing worry, as he wasn't able to get a read on my behaviors.

I wanted to speak. I wanted to say something. Anything. But, it's as if my jaw was locked shut, sealing my lips closed to prevent me from, simultaneously, fixing this and also making it worse.

And it made Keigo grow impatient with anxiety.

"Ari." He said even clearer, as if I miraculously didn't hear him the first time. He placed his hand on my shoulder, gently trying to turn me towards him.

But, I refused to budge, giving my shoulder a shrug to get his hand off me.

My mouth opened now, but instead of speaking, all that came out of it were shaky breaths as I felt myself breaking.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so hurt and sensitive. I'm sorry that I'm so dramatic. I'm sorry that I'm the one who's falling apart. I know I was supposed to be strong for you, Keigo. But, I can't be.

Keigo's warmth suddenly hovered closer to me now, before I felt his soft, warm fingertips brush against the freezing skin of my jaw in an attempt to get me to pay attention to him, somehow.

"Ari.....hey, c'mon..." He said a third time, his voice coming out as a cooed whisper in an attempt to calm my racing thoughts-gently trying to turn me towards him once again.

He was getting a little more persistent in trying to get me to look at him, because he was starting to become afraid that this was something serious.

And he's right.

"Baby, what's wrong. Talk to me. Please." He breathed out gently, stroking his thumb on my cheek to try and coax me to turn my attention on him.

It felt so nice. So comforting.

But, my mind reacted stronger than my body did, and I was surprised as I suddenly heard the sound of my voice, to signal I was speaking-yet, not feeling myself making the actions or saying the words.

"I'm tired, Keigo."

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Thank you to levisbench for taking the time to make the wonderful picture of Ari and Keigo! Your talents never cease to amaze me, and everyone should seriously show them some awesome love and support!! ☺️❤️

Keep scrolling for part 2 of this double update, and I hope you enjoy!