"Deep breath in through the nose and hold for five seconds," Leon said, "And deep breath out through the mouth. 

Leon had arrived late last night; the specialist Neal had called in. He had stressed the importance and urgency in assisting me in learning control without divulging too much information about how truly dire our situation was. 

We had started with breathing exercises and yoga. We sat on mats with our legs crossed. My eyes were closed, and I followed Leon's instruction, Abbi sat on a mat next to me. She had refused to leave last night when my mom had gone home. 

"When you feel those strong emotions rising, I want you to repeat these breathing exercises."

I continued to breathe in, hold, and release as Leon spoke. 

"It is important to shift your mindset regarding your wolf, especially for someone who has gone as long as you have without one. There is not you and your wolf, you are one in the same. She is a part of you, and you her." His voice as soft. 

I could hear Leon shift from his mat, walking closer to me. I could feel him approach, my senses even more alert than they had been before. He pressed two fingers against the center of my forehead with one hand, and two fingers over my heart with the other while I took a deep breath in and held it. As I slowly released the breathe, I felt a line of heat and light through my body as if things were clicking into place. 

I felt my wolf inside yawn and roll over in her slumber.

My eyes snapped open. "What was that," I gasped, staring straight into his green eyes. 

"That was your chakras unblocking and aligning. You will want to make sure you keep yourself aligned and open. It will help with your transition between your forms. 

"How am I supposed to treat me and my wolf as one in the same when I can't even remember what happens when I shift?"

"The transformation is traumatic on the body, especially the first few times. You are likely to black out, as a means to protect yourself. It is common to remember little to nothing from your first few shifts. As you become comfortable with the change, you will remember more, and the easier the shift will become. 

I remembered Ophelia and how she had seamlessly slipped skin into her wolf just outside the house. I couldn't help but wonder if it would ever be possible for me to shift that easily. I wasn't even sure if Neal could shift that easily. 

"It is important to focus your efforts to maintain your form. Shifting uses energy, and as all things with magic, we have only a finite resource of magic within us at a given time. It is even more important for someone like yourself. While a new wolf needs to take care, you will need to be even more vigilant. If you use up your resources, you could be stuck, either as a wolf, or without your mentalist abilities to assist you. 

"Now, let us go outside and work on shifting."

"I haven't shifted on my own before," I said. "I'm not even sure I can."

Abbi gripped my arm, her touch pushing that feeling of comfort into me. 

"That is what we are to work on." Leon started making his way outside, and I followed, Abbi on my heels. 

We made our way to the front yard, the sun shining down. I studied Leon as he walked the perimeter of the yard, the sun gleaming in his shaggy blonde hair. Those green eyes intense as he stared at me, making his way back to where Abbi and I stood. 

He had been a brick wall as far as emotions were concerned. I could read nothing from him. 

"Controlling the shift is about controlling those feelings that rise up in you with the shift. When you shift, your body has similar responses to when you are angry or afraid. Your heartrate increases, your temperature goes up. You may feel your breathing become quicker."

I recalled the flash of amber in Neal's eyes when he would get angry, or even in the heat of the moment between us.

"Until you have a stronger grasp of the shift, you will want to pay close attention to those reactions in your body. When you start to feel that flush in your cheeks or the heat creeping up inside, take those deep breaths. 

On the other hand, you may need to lean into those feelings to initiate the shift. Some people need to focus on something that gets their blood pumping more, whether that is something that makes you afraid or angry. I do not recommend using this method for long as it does not assist in maintaining control. It will not allow you to learn a quick, seamless shift, but until you get used to the feeling of slipping that skin into your other self, it can be useful."

"Neal had to force the shift last time. I don't even know if I can shift on my own."

"You can. You and your wolf are connected, one in the same. You just need to work on opening the door to let her out. The more you do that, the more than door will turn into a window, allowing you to keep that conscious thought, even while in your wolf form."

"Do you think it would be possible for me to use my Mentalist abilities while in my wolf form?" I crossed my arms. 

"That could be very useful," Abbi chimed in. 

"It's hard to say, but I believe with practice, it could be possible," Leon said while stopping directly in front of me. Now, close your eyes and focus on something that gets that physiological response going."

I closed my eyes and did as Leon asked. I looked back on the past couple days trying to pull up some sort of emotion that would initiate that response within me, but my breathing still came in deep, even breaths. My heart rate still calm as the wind rustled the leaves of the trees above us, my hair blowing around. 

My brows pulled together, my forehead creasing as I tried to focus, squeezing my eyes shut tight. I could feel the eyes of Leon and Abbi on me, studying me. I had plenty to be afraid of, even enough that could make me angry, but apparently those breathing exercises had been too helpful. 

"It's not working." I ground my teeth. 

"Patience. You can't force it. It's a process."

"Neal may need to help." I wished Neal hadn't needed to be in more war meetings. I had wanted to go with him again, but we had talked in depth last night before and after Leon had arrived. I wanted to push the wolf topic to the side, focus on assisting the pack as Mentalist only. Neal had rightly pushed me back to working on control. 

I knew pushing down the wolf side of me was not feasible. She was there, and she could come out at any point. If I didn't gain control, there was a chance I could get stuck mid shift in the middle of the battle, and then Neal would be torn between assisting me and fighting for our pack. I could not become a liability. We would not lose because of me. Neal had already toed and crossed lines in order to be with me. The pack already was wary of me. If we lost our pack because of me... I couldn't bear it. 

I hadn't shown my face throughout the pack since the Merging ceremony. I had no idea what the thought. 

Leon kept quiet and let me sort through my thoughts and feelings. 

Even if I didn't need Neal to force the shift again, I did wish that he was standing there with me, squeezing my hand. 

Something in my gut squeezed, and I felt that beast deep inside roll over again. 

At that movement, I changed gears. I imagined the feel of Neal's hands moving up my arm, making its way to my neck, his fingers trailing my collarbone, sliding along my throat before sliding down slowly. 

That beast roiled around, waking up from her slumber, and I felt that pressure building in my body. 

My breathing came quicker, my pulse racing. 

"Good." I could barely hear Leon through the pounding in my ears, the pressure building. 
"Now don't hold anything back. Let it build and let it come through."

I imagined Neal's hands sliding down from my throat, trailing small circles as his fingers made their way down while his mouth took up the place of his hands on my neck. 

That pressure moved from my ears, spreading into my joints just as it had at the ceremony until it felt like my entire body needed to pop. 

"Let that pressure release, don't hold it in, Cynthia. You have control over both halves of yourself." His voice sounded like it was coming through water. 

I focused on the feel, pushing toward the release of that pressure building. I would push through. There was no other option. I could not rely on Neal. I could not become a liability. There was no other choice but to push through. 

That pressure continued to build and I let out a gasp as I fell to the ground. 

I felt Abbi rush to my side, kneeling next to me, her hand on my back. I could hear her voice trying to break through the pressure in my ears and head but couldn't understand anything she was saying. 

The only way out was through, and I let that feeling, my racing pulse, the ragged breathing wash over me as I felt that wolf creeping closer and closer to the surface until, with a burst of that magic from that well deep inside, my skin slipped as bones cracked and bent and fur made its way out. With ever crack, I let out a gasp until I was no longer me. 

I breathed heavily, puffs of air hitting the grass before bouncing back into my face and I slowly tried to stand, but it was on four legs instead of two. The world muted in color, and yet so vibrant in other ways. 

I had shifted, and I was looking through my own eyes. 

I shook my body roughly, tumbling back to the ground before standing back up and looking to my friend kneeling next to me. 

She threw her arms around my neck, holding me tight as she shouted excitedly.