Hello everyone! I'm back with the sequel to Don't Hold Back! I hope you like it! Please comment, and vote! Let me know what you guys think!

COPYRIGHT: Yeah even though Marcus is super sexy.....he's MAH babe!!! <3<3 Loves!!!

Marcus

You would think that being friends with a person for 17 years would make your friendship unbendable. Like steal, or iron of the greatest caliber, the foundation of your friendship should be so strong that nothing can break it, not even dent it. I suppose a better comparison would be a bridge. During earthquakes the uplifted roadway sways and staggers, making people think that it will break at any second. Only that’s exactly what a bridge is supposed to do, it’s built to withstand the rickety movement of the earth in turbulence. If the foundation is to stiff then the bridge will crumble. That’s what I’ve always thought about my friendship with Collin, only I’ve never had to fear our friendship stiffening and breaking, collapsing at my feet. Until now.

Being friends since you were born kind of has an effect on your friendship right? I’ve been with Collin for as long as I can remember, from bathing in the tub as babies to shredding the lacrosse field, throughout the majority of my lifetime he was there. Or I was there? 

People say that I’m the most loyal friend in the world to still be hanging around with Collin Sanders. He’s the most wicked, fake, superficial person in the school, he hides behind a seemingly  false mask of happiness, but the truth behind his feelings are always hovering behind is blue eyes it’s just that not everyone knows Collin as well as I, that they can detect it. The wicked thoughts that lay there are invisible to other people, and I’m sure he thinks to me as well…but I see it….I see everything.

Despite what people say, Collin didn’t used to be so…..apathetic….so bizarre. The dirty blonde boy used to be the happiest, most innocent kid I knew. In middle school the other boys used to make fun of him because of his lack of sexual knowledge. Collin would just blush and look at me in embarrassment, his cheeks tinted pink in shame and stay silent as the other boys went off to have their fun. Later we would hang out and he would ask me extremely in depth questions that made it my turn to be embarrassed, his questions were so inappropriate, but he asked them in such an innocent way so of course I would respond. 

Then everything changed.

I remember when school got out in 9th grade; we had made plans to hang out together all summer. We couldn’t stand to be away from each other for longer than a few days, in a way we were like each other’s missing halves. I was an only child  (with the exception of my brand new adopted brother, who was still too quiet to want to talk to me) so I was constantly lonely and the only way to sate that loneliness was to stay with Collin, every moment of every day. This eventually led to my unrequited love for the younger boy, a love that too this day is still hidden.

(Flash back)

Collin and I sit at our desks glancing at each other and back at the clock. Five minutes until the release bell, then we are free for a good two months. Collin glances at the clock at the front of the room his blue eyes that nearly match mine lighting up in excitement. His face contorts into a look of goofy excitement and he turns to smirk at me holding up four fingers and waggling them in the air.

His goofiness unleashes a chuckle from my throat that comes out sounding glitchy. Damn puberty, has to get me now of all times huh? At least my voice is going to get deeper, hopefully I will also grow a couple of inches, maybe gain a few pounds of muscle and loose a few of my baby fat, not that there’s much of it. 

Lulling out the sound of the teacher speaking about some ridiculous summer story that she experienced a good five hundred years, I turn to stare at the clock again. The black minute hand rest onto the fourth dash mark on the round face of the clock. The sound of the little arrow reverberates through my skull. Three minutes.

I flash three fingers across the room at the smaller boy, who smirks and begins to tap his fingers on the surface of his desk, thrumming out a beat of impatience. The sound is loud amongst the silence of our classmates who briefly look up from their drool lathered desks to see where the loud sound came from. The teacher doesn’t seem to notice the loud clacking of my best friends fingertips, and if she does then she must appreciate the racket that seems to wake ninety percent of the sleeping class in attention. She just continues to speak enthusiastically, saying something about her daughter and Sasquatch or something equally as ridiculous.

Collin doesn’t notice the rise of the students, his eyes still locked on the round object nailed to the wall as the kids rustle through their bags, trying to shove all their folders into the small openings. Collins eyes squint in a way that is almost daring the bell to ring. His mouth starts to form small movements. From where I’m sitting I can read his lips.

Ten

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

Five

Four

Three

Two 

A loud clanging reverberates through the walls of the building, the ringing of the bell sending a burst of sound into the hallway as students exit their classrooms in excitement. Bodies bolt from desks and start for the door of the classroom, getting stuck as multiple people get stuck in the archway as they try to struggle to freedom. Shaking my head in disgust at the ignorance I stand and walk over to Collin, he stands as I move to him throwing his back pack over his shoulder carelessly.

“I thought the bell was never going to ring!” He announces seriously, as we exit the classroom stepping over the pile of fallen students struggling to make their way to their feet.

“I know, thank god we didn’t die of complete boredom in there, does Mrs. Hayes still not understand the fact that no one wants to hear about her “Sasquatch siting” that happened probably a good thousand years ago!” I sigh in disappointment, “I swear I’ve heard that story a good seven hundred times.”

Collin laughs his voice rising melodically, “Oh be nice, she’s old, old people forget things fast.”

“Clearly!” I snort, as we walk out the front doors and towards the bus, “Oh good old bus, how I love the sight of you!” I sigh in delight as the yellow mammoth of a vehicle comes into sight. Collin continues to laugh as the bus pulls to a stop and we both stumble aboard, taking a seat near the front so we can get off as fast as we can.

We talk quietly for a while until we drop into a bout of silence hearing a loud, “No way man Jonny’s a total freak!” From behind us, the sound makes me flinch in annoyance. Collin turns to look over the back of our chair at the boys behind us.

“Why is Jonny a freak?” He asks curiously resting his chin on the chair, the two boys one being Archer and the other being some other kid who’s name always seems to escape me.

Archer snorts running a hand through his short blond hair in annoyance, “You know he’s a faggot right?”

“Faggot, is that bad?” Collin says blankly staring at them.

Archer groans slapping himself in the face, “God Sanders are you serious how old are you, do you know nothing, have you been living in a hole, he likes to suck dick man!”

Collin goes silent, no doubt thinking about this new found knowledge, angrily I turn around and slam my fist down onto Archers shaved head, he screams in pain at the sudden slap and turns to glare at me. “Archer why don’t you mind your own business, if Jonathan is gay then let him be gay, there’s nothing wrong with that.” I say before turning around and slouching down into my seat. Collin follows me turning to stare up at me. He’s silent for a few moments before frowning, “Jonny’s nice.” He says finally.

Smiling I turn to look at the younger boy, “Yeah he’s really cool.”

“Who cares if he likes boys?” My eyebrows raise at this and my heart aches, because he would never know how much I really want to tell him that I too like boys, and not just any boy.

I like my best friend.

I like Collin.

Of course I’ll never tell him that, I will never risk harming our friendship like that, I will never tell him the truth about my feelings. At least it will be a little easier now that I’m heading into high school, Collin’s still a year younger than me so he’ll have to stay another year at the hellish middle school with the biggest blockheads I have ever meat in my entire life. Still I will make it my goal to see him every day after school, and spend as much time with him as humanly possible. Maybe my love for him will fade, maybe this is just a phase….a phase of curiosity on my part.

Just a phase.

(End Flash Back)

It wasn’t just a phase, for four years I’ve watched my best friend in anything but a friendly way. As I’ve gotten older, my desire for him has been harder to mask, but somehow I’ve managed it. 

That summer Collin and I joined the high school lacrosse team so that every other day we were at practice together. When we weren’t at practice together we were studying with each other at my house. My mother would make us dinner and I would tutor him in his math, and anything else he needed help with since I had already taken the classes that he was in. As my sophomore year, and Collins freshman year came to a close his excitement grew, he would finally be able to be in the same school as me again. We would finally be able to see each other all day, without having to go out of the way.

When the school year ended I waited…and I waited for his calls. The calls that so familiarly came pounding into the near silence of my house, but they never came. Through the whole summer I waited, I even went to his house and knocked on the door, checked the windows and the doors. My mother decided that they must have gone on a summer vacation, and I suppose at the time I believed her.

When Collin came to school the next year, he was completely different. Despite his happy disposition I could see something dark in his eyes, a secret. A secret that I soon found out he would never tell me. Everything changed after that summer, Collin no longer confided in me at every little thought, he no longer called me up every day after school, and he was no longer the innocent boy I remembered him to be. He started to sleep around with the girls of our school, and even though he thought I didn’t know, he also started sleeping around with the boys. I could tell by the heated glances he passed at them as we walked down the halls together. The looks that he gave sent waves of resentment through me, I wanted to punch him, and I wanted to punch them. 

I wanted to tell him that I loved him.

But I didn’t.

I just stayed his best and loyal friend.

Sighing I turn over onto my back to glance at the red numbers of my alarm clock shining through the dark of my bed room. It’s one, why can’t I fall asleep? Sighing I roll from my bed coming down on my hands and knees onto the carpet of my bedroom floor.

Maybe I can wear myself out. With this thought I begin a rally of pushups, my muscles straining as I push my body up and down off the floor.

Something is definitely wrong with Collin; I’d never seen him cry like that before. It’s been a week since the Caleb incident in the band room, Collin of course has been at home living out his suspension. I’ve been waiting for a phone call but he hasn’t called me…not once. Angrily I remove one of my arms from the floor, beginning a new set of one armed pushups. The muscles in my bicep burn intensely but I ignore it.

Why had he done it? Why had he tried to do such a horrible thing to Caleb? Did he not see how terrified he was? Did he not hear his screams of fear?

What was going through his mind at the time, was he just angry, angry that Caleb didn’t want to sleep with him? Surely that wasn’t the only time Collin has been rejected, if so he should really learn to control his temper, there will be plenty more rejections where that came from.

Still, it seemed like he didn’t realize what he was doing, when he snapped back into it he looked terrified. Then of course there was Jason’s fist pounding into his face, I’m sure that was shocking. I’d seen it all from when Jason threw open the door to when he threw Collin against the wall and started to beat the shit out of him. 

I didn’t move though.

I just watched.

I watched as Jason beat the living hell out of my best friend, and somehow I felt….better. Not like I’m a masochist, because that’s not what I mean. I just mean that, the fact that someone was beating the sense into Collin felt good, Collin needed to be hit a few times, even I know that.

Still, the pain that struck my chest as I watched him was so real, and when Chad finally stepped out of the crowd to hold Jason back I felt relief flood through my chest like a warm blanket. That was my queue to step out and help Collin; I could tell that many people were wondering why I was so calm. The questions were so evident on their faces.

Why is he just standing there watching while his best friend gets beaten to a bloody pulp?

Why isn’t he beating the shit out of Jason?

Why isn’t he trying to defend Collin?

These small minded teenagers would never understand my motives. Collin deserved every punch that Jason threw at him. He deserved every cut and every bruise, and he deserved every tear that fell from those beautiful eyes. Those eyes that held so much hidden pain, for a moment as I watched him he almost seemed human again, but then when I came out to help him his wall was thrown back into place as he struggled against me.

Why, why does he hide from me?

I’m his best friend, when is he going to start treating me like his best friend, when is he going to start confiding in me like he used to when we were younger? The pain of being abandoned and shoved aside is beginning to make me grow bitter.

With a last groan I drop myself tiredly onto my floor, and lay for a few moments, as my muscles vibrate from the strain I put them under. I can hear my brother breathing softly from next door, even his snores are quiet, he must be a ninja.

My brother Timothy was adopted when I was in 9th grade, he spent most of that year hidden in his room, unwilling to leave and spend time with me but eventually he started to warm up to me. Now he is one of the most precious people in my life.

People don’t ever expect that me and Timothy are related, I don’t see why not we look exactly alike! If being Japanese can be anywhere near my pure whiteness, yes Timothy is Japanese my mother adopted him when she was working at the orphanage for a brief time. She said when she met him; she just adored him and couldn’t imagine spending a moment without him. I suppose she also thought it would be a good idea to have someone keeping me company in our dreary house. Since while she was a work I was usually with Collin, or all alone. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was in 5th grade, the bastard cheated on my mom with his secretary. I know cliché right, alas that is exactly what the man is, one giant ass cliché. Never called, never sent child support, he’s virtually none existent in my life. Anyways back to timothy, Alas he wasn’t the most social of people, and as soon as he came to live with us he shut himself in his room, too shy to take a single step outside of the door.

Eventually Timothy and I started to gradually talk and we soon became really good friends. Especially during the time that Collin disappeared from the face of the earth, I spent the majority of that lonely summer hanging out with Timothy. He and my mom both knew of my sexuality and didn’t mind it at all, timothy is so used to me being gay now, that he thinks it’s the most normal thing in the world. Still I haven’t really come out to my school, but I’m not necessarily in the closet either. I don’t exactly keep my sexuality a secret, I just don’t talk about it. If someone asks I’ll tell them straight up that I dig boys. The only person that I’ve really made an effort to keep it from is Collin, not that he cares enough about me to even spare a thought.

Standing I throw myself back down onto my bed, pulling my blankets over my bare back, shivering at the coolness of the sheets. I wish that I could have Collin in here with me; I imagine he would fit perfectly in my arms, tucked against my chest. Sighing I close my eyes, and force myself into a deep sleep.

I dream of Collin, Collin smiling at me but not with that phony smirk of his. The smile on his face is completely genuine, his eyes filling up with excitement. I really want to see that smile again, what would it take to see that smile again?

As I drive to school the next morning I’m seriously dreading the day ahead but at the same time I’m really excited. Collin will be back in school today, I can finally talk to him. This makes me smirk, if he’s going to ignore my phone calls I’ll just have to talk to him in person. There’s no way he can escape from me then. Even if he has a big demanding mouth, I’m still bigger and stronger than him. The only problem is that I don’t see him the whole day, he isn’t in my film studies class, and he isn’t in my psychology class. As I head to the locker rooms at the end of the day I’m beginning to lose hope.

Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?

Should I go and visit him at home, maybe bring him something to eat? If he’s sick I have no doubt that his parents aren’t there to take care of him. Collin’s parents are never home, always off on business trips. When they do manage to come home they never talk to each other or to Collin, they just go about their own business. Collin’s older brother went off to college the summer of my sophomore year, right before I started 11th grade, and no one has heard of him since. Not that it’s a shame; his older brother was a complete asshole.

Entering the locker room I head towards the back where my locker is, passing through the crowd of half-naked lacrosse players shoving each other playfully. When I turn onto my isle I almost shout in happiness but quickly push the urge down.

Collin is sitting on the bench all dressed up in his lacrosse gear, laying his head back against the blue lockers, his eyes shut tightly against the bright lights. Opening my locker I drop my back pack onto the tiled floor, wincing at the slight clunck!

Collins eyes flutter open and he looks up at me, his face morphs into an expression of endearment when he sees me, but it’s gone as soon as he thinks I notice. The rush of happiness I felt leaves me and I kick off my sneakers, “Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?” I ask peevishly, pulling my shirt off over my head before folding it nicely and placing it inside my locker.

“You called?” He questions with false disinterest, but I hear the slight rise of his voice that tells me he’s curious. This makes me sigh, since when have we started lying to each other about our true feelings so blatantly like this? Before I would have ran in here and grabbed him up in a hug, but for some reason instinct warns me against this, I really don’t want to ruin any shred of friendship that remains between us, if that’s even what you can call it.

“No I just said that for kicks and fucking giggles.” I growl in annoyance, as I undo my belt, and pull my jeans off in one swift motion. The feeling of Collins eyes on my body makes my hair stand on end. Why does he have to look at me like that right now?

Why does he have to look at me like that when I so desperately want to take him in my arms and devour him like some sort of hungry monster? Folding my jeans I slip them into my locker before grabbing my lacrosse bag and unzipping it.

“Sorry my cell phone broke.” He shrugs bored, but I can still feel his eyes running over me. Turning to look at him I pull my shorts out of my bag jerking them onto my legs as swiftly as I can without looking as if I’m in too much of a hurry.

“Your cell phone broke, are you going to get a new one?” I inquire, folding my arms over my bare chest before turning my gaze onto him. Collin stares up at me tiredly then snorts, “Why so you can call me every five minutes?”

His words send a jolt of annoyance through me, who the hell does he think he is? I sit in my house the whole damn week, worrying my ass off, and he says shit like this? Angrily I pull my under armor on before tugging my jersey over my head, “Why don’t you fucking kill me for being worried about you okay, maybe then I won’t waste my life!” I growl plopping down onto the bench wrenching my cleats out of my bag and jerking them onto my feet before tying them up and standing. 

A look of shock shoots through Collin’s eyes for a brief moment but then he just smirks again, standing and grabbing my gloves, chucking them at me. “Stop being a bitch Marcus, I’ll get a new phone okay, god calm down.”

My heart skips a beat as I stare at him, staring at me, then I just nod grabbing my stick and my lacrosse balls following him out onto the field. At least he still listens to me, if he didn’t listen to me what would I have left? Smiling I stare down at the boy in front of me wishing with all my might that I could hold him in my arms.

Knowing that I can’t.