Marcus

Alixs words ring through my head, like a broken record, over and over and over again. What did she mean Timothy? Timothy, my brother that I’d been taking care of for the past five years, the boy who I’d protected and pulled out of his shell of social ineptness, how could timothy possibly ever do this?

“Timothy?” I murmur in confusion, “What do you mean it was Timothy, why would he do that?”

Alix sighs, her face taking on a drained form, as she runs a timid hand through her long dark hair, “I don’t know why he did it, I just heard some people talking about it, they said that they saw him in front of the boys locker room snapping pictures, they were all admiring his guts and audacity, you know?”

Timothy….taking photos of Me and Collin in the boys locker room, now that I’m thinking about it Timothy does have a unbelievably high tech camera that he carries around with him everywhere. He even takes a photo class, and is signed up on the year book staff so it would completely work. Then again what about all the other kids at our school who have cameras, and take photo class, and are signed up for the yearbook? Shouldn’t that mean that all of them are suspects in this? Did it have to be Timothy?

What reason would he have to do such a thing? I’d always taken care of him, I’ve been the best possible brother I can be for him. He seemed to love me, he seemed to respect me, it couldn’t be because of my sexuality could it? Timothy had always accepted the way I am, without any questions for as long as I can remember. The small Japanese boy grew up thinking that it was okay to like other boys, to love whoever you wanted to love no matter the gender. But if it wasn’t that then what is it?

Does he have some sort of grudge against Collin? Why would he, Collin hasn’t been around for at least a year probably more, so Timothy never really got a chance to know him very well. Timothy never talked about Collin, never cared about Collin, so what would be his motive in taking that photo? Did he feel like I was leaving him behind? That can’ t be it because at that point I wasn’t even dating Collin. Was he angry at me, for doing that to Collin? Again, why would he be, unless he has some sort of crush on him.

Wait……..

Could Timothy have a crush on Collin? He did seem rather embarrassed about the whole situation from yesterday. But he didn’t seem overly awkward, he talked normally to Collin when the two of them were chatting at the table…

Now I’m even more confused than I was five minutes ago! Groaning in vexation I  run a distressed hand through my hair and turn to look at the twins, “You’re sure that’s what they said?”

Alix nods assuredly, “Yes they said Timothy Alexander, and they started talking about why he would do that to you, you being his only brother and everything.”

“Marcus, what are you going to do?” Martie murmurs nervously beside me, clenching her hands into fists beside her body, the action she tends to do when she gets anxious.

“I’m going to go find Timothy.” I grunt, feeling the mixture of my emotions creating a black storm within my body, Confusion the main source of the darkness, “He can explain this to me, I want to hear it from him.” And with that I pivot and stride down the hall en route for my younger brother.

When I turn down the hall that his locker is located on, I see him standing alone shuffling books into the small compartment of his back pack. He looks so innocent all by himself over there, a small sophomore who isn’t exactly popular, Timothy has never made many friends even though I had pulled him out of his shell of confinement, he still has a hard time branching out to other people. Others think he’s too timid, or too stuck up, but really he is incredibly shy and has never had an easy time of talking with others. Yet people are saying that he is the one who took that photo, that my timothy could have the heart to betray me like that?

No I can’t believe it.

“Timothy!” I call out to him, his small dark head turns in my direction, and he smiles giving me a cheery wave, as I saunter over to him trying to figure out how I’m going to say this.

“Hey Marcus, how’s it going?” He asks cutely, his face lighting up happily at my appearance. “I heard you made a grand entrance into Collins first period earlier, a bunch of girls were talking about how oh so charming and adorable you were.” His giggle chimes like tinkling bells to my ears, a pleasant sound if nothing more.

“Hm, yes I did, it was rather exciting.” I point out only half listening, trying to figure out what I’m going to say next. “Listen Timothy, I heard something today.”

Timothy stares up at me, his face falling dramatically into a grave expression of worry, I note the way he nervously rubs his palms against the material of his jeans, and starts to fiddle with the buttons on the cuffs of his sweater, his eyes lowering from mine, “Oh yeah, what was it?”

“Timothy, I heard that you took those pictures of me and Collin.” I manage despite the fact that my throat is clenching at my words, refusing to believe them as they push their foul way through my mouth and out into the open air where they make themselves known.

“Oh,” He swallows, his hands gripping his jeans tightly now.

Sighing I lean against the lockers, “Timothy look at me.” My younger brother shuffles his feet, and weakly runs his gaze up at me, his teeth seem to be drilling a raw path into his lip. “Did you take that picture?”

The gasp that escapes his mouth stings me and his next words feel like a slap, “Yes, I did.”

Betrayal, anger, confusion, all of these emotions and more push their way into my body, my throat feels bruised from my attempt to keep the outburst of emotions in my stomach. “Why?” I ask the disbelief of the infidelity of my brother making an appearance in the wave of my voice.

Timothy looks down at the floor, seemingly unable to make eye contact with me, “I-I can’t tell you.” He stammers.

That makes me snap, the hot rage blocking my vision as  I slam my fists against the lockers in anger sending Timothy reeling back in fear, his eyes wide as he gasps. “What the hell do you mean you can’t tell me?” I scream at him, my body shaking, “How could you even do that, huh, why would you do something like that?”

“Marcus, I’m really sorry.” Timothy whimpers, his lips trembling as his eyes fill with wet, crystal tears; but it has no effect on me I just continue to scream at him, demanding an answer.

“I can’t tell you!” He sobs loudly, “Just leave me alone Marcus!” he screams, pulling his back pack from the floor and onto his shoulder, darting down the hall. Briefly I watch his fleeting figure as his sneakers pound their way down the hall, until annoyance at his quick attempt at escape fills me and I dash after him, grabbing the strap of his bag and hauling him over my shoulder.

“Let me down!” He screams, batting his fists against my back.

“Not until you explain to me why you did that, did you even think about who you would be hurting?” I growl at him.

“Let me go, please let me go!” He sobs again, hitting me unrelentlessly. The feeling of his small fists against my back nothing more than a palliative thrumming.

“Marcus….what the hell are you doing?” The voice stops me in my tracks, before I turn around to look at Collin. He stands at the end of the hallway his arms dangling at his sides, horror on his face. “Put him down right now!” he orders, stomping his way towards me.

“Collin-

“How could you even think about treating your little brother like this, I said put him down!” Collin growls threateningly once he is standing directly in front of me. His eyes are alight, and heat is rising off of his body, I can almost taste his fury. Reluctantly I let Timothy slide from my shoulder onto the floor, where he pushes away from me, gives Collin a guilty look, and then darts away.

“Since when have you treated your brother like that, what could he possibly have done to make you so angry?” Collin asks crossing his arms over his chest. His biceps bulge slightly where they are bent and I cant help but admire him. He can be lithe, strong, but still seem so fragile to me.

The questions make me wonder If I should tell Collin about Timothys betrayal or if I shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it be better for him not to know? How could he ever look at Timothy the same way again if he found out. Even I am starting to wonder how I will look at him in the next week to come. But still, doesn’t he deserve to know, he was in the photos, he has a right.

“Timothy took the pictures.” I breathe out before I can convince myself otherwise.

“What?” Collin squints at me, his eyebrows tilting questioningly.

“You know, the pictures of me and you in the boys locker room, he took them.” Collin stares at me for a moment before his body settles into a tense uncomfortable stance. His muscles tensing but his body sinking, as if the weight of my words are pushing him down.

“What do you mean, why would he do that?”

As if I know, I thought I knew everything about my little brother but apparently that was too far from the truth. I always thought that Timothy was a normal kid, maybe a little too small, and a little too nerdy. He seemed to have a fascination with cameras, and was actually dubbed as the the head photographer for the yearbook and newspaper staff this year. He never seemed to have an interest in girls, or guys for that matter. So why this sudden step out of his comfort zone?

“I don’t think he did it.” The words snap me back to reality.

Collin is biting his lip and staring at me, his hands working anxiously at his biceps, rubbing the cold away. He looks as if he’s standing in an ice cooler even though the sun is out, and the birds are chirping. For a moment he doesn’t acknowledge my doubtful gaze but when he does he rolls his eyes. “What reason would your brother have to take an incriminating photo of us together, I mean it’s not like he has some dubious plan or something. He was embarrassed just seeing me in your bed the other day, how could he sit there long enough while you were touching me to take that picture, he probably would have exploded”

“Hmm I’m glad to see that your acute sense of observation is still intact.” I drawl sarcastically leaning back against the wall.

“It makes sense, Timothy is extremely shy, when he first moved in with you he wouldn’t come out of his room for months, don’t you remember?” Collin reminds me, “He still has an abstention from people, haven’t you ever seen him in the hallways, it’s almost like he’s afraid if he stays around too long he’ll be crushed to bits.”

Sighing I push myself away from the wall and turn towards the exit of the building, “Well if you’re done Sherlock, would you like to go home now?”

Collin rolls his eyes and turns his back towards me as he makes his way down the hall, “I have no intention to go anywhere with you right now, we’ll talk tomorrow when you’ve cooled down a bit and are ready to have a civil conversation with Timothy.” And with that he is gone.

When I walk into my house a few minutes later all is silent. It feels like any happiness that may have lurked here has made a frantic escape and only the dregs of depression remain. I listen carefully as I make my way down the hall, passing Timothy’s door. Despite my adamant dislike for my younger brother at the moment, I find myself back tracking and pressing my ear against the white wood of his door. My ears strain to hear any sounds that might slip their way through the grain of the wood, but nothing comes.

Maybe I should just leave him alone for a while. I suppose I did act a bit rashly earlier, still the anger that was building up inside me had no other exit. No matter how much I think back I’m not completely sure of any counter reaction I could have had. The deep confusion battled any and all logic that I had at the time, it was as if the little me in my mind had no other direction to turn. Where do you go when all your options are non-existent? Get angry…or get angry, it’s almost easier to mask the pain of betrayal with a raging fire of fury, but……the look in his eyes when I lost it was troubling. Thinking back it makes me feel worse, but still the question of ‘why should I feel bad about getting angry when he was the one who instigated my temper in the first place,’ continues to ride my mind.

It’s settled then, I won’t bother Timothy anymore then I already have tonight, let him gather what strength he can, tomorrow he will have to confront the devil…..well ok not the devil, just me but I might as well just be Satan for how pissed I am. If I was on fire I think that would be the equivalent to the rage that I felt the moment I found out it was Timothy.

I suppose fire is a good comparison to anger.

When a fire is lit it starts off meek and pathetic, like the beginning of rage. Then as it gradually sits gaining air it builds up until the heated tongues of flames lick the very core of the problem at hand, and suddenly everything is explosive. Only an extremely tame individual can fight that burning, but still how surprising that the individual who was calmest happened to be the most irate person in the world.

Moving away from my brothers door I loose myself in the dark whole that is my bedroom, burying myself among the lacrosse sticks, blankets and memories. As I lay on my bed I wonder if I should start my homework. The tugging feeling at my conscious informs that I indeed should, but the lethargic feeling rolling over my body as I lay on my bed seems to incapacitate me for an extended amount of time.

How could Collin be so calm about something like this, his whole reality was brought crumbling down because of this small dent in his world…..ok maybe this wasn’t the dent. Where did the problems really begin? When I attacked him in the boys locker room?

No.

Maybe It was when he tried to molest Caleb and got the shit beaten out of him. That could qualify as a dent in my world, but i think it’s something deeper. Maybe it’s whatever happened to him that summer…..the summer where he dropped off the face of the world, the summer where our friendship became splintered, the summer where something ripped us apart from each other. I have always wondered….if Collin and I had been together that whole summer might I have mustered up the courage to tell him of my feelings?

What about now?

Does it really matter about the past now that I have him? I wish I could say that it doesn’t but the fact that Collin is only with me because we are pretending to date in front of the whole school to save his reputation tells me otherwise. If I told him about my true feelings what would he say? The fear that is hiding inside me warns against it, but the thrumming excitement in my chest expresses its utter joy at the thought. The foreboding reality that maybe Collin wouldn’t really like that fact continuously slams sense into me. Still no matter how much I attempt to rid my mind of all thoughts of the boy, I cant seem to do it. When I wake up I think of him. Is he eating? Did he sleep well? When I’m at school I think of him, what class is he in? Who is he with? When I lay in my bed at night I think of him. Did he do his homework? Is he eating dinner? Is he happy? And the question that is on my mind most of all.

Is he lonely?

I would give anything to go home with him at night, make him dinner, and lay by his side as he sleeps. How would it feel to lay next to him in his bed, wrap my arms around him and hold him close to my chest?

How can I love someone this much? And with this thought I drift into oblivion.

The next day after school I find Collin and together we stalk are way towards Timothy, only today proves more difficult. Timothy isn’t at his locker, and not only is he not at his locker but he is also not in the library. No matter how long we search among the pillars of moth ball scented novels we come across no sign of the small Asian boy. That is until I see one of the newspaper staff walk into the library. I jog my way over to the boy Collin following close behind me. “Hey Austin, have you seen Timothy?” I huff upon stopping.

“Timothy.” He thinks for a moment tapping his pen against the counter of the library waiting desk, as the librarian searches the back room for some unknown object. The pen makes a slight clicking sound but it seems to echo across the vast space as he thinks back to a time uncertain to him, until suddenly his face lights up as if he has had some type of revelation. He brings his hand up with an abrupt snap of his long fingers, “Timothy, I saw him in the newspaper room.”

“Great thank you.” I conclude rapidly, before grabbing Collins hand and darting out of the library doors. The distance from the library and the newspaper room is quiet lengthy, but at the speedy pace Im pulling Collin at, we make it there in record time bursting our way through the door. Numerous heads pop up at our loud spontaneous entrance, but as soon as they known who is coming through the door, all the heads promptly go back to work. All accept one.

Timothy stares at us a fear filled storm glazing over his eyes. Collin moves ahead of me, his hand gripping my tightly as if it’s some sort of lifeline. Like if he lets go he might stop breathing, or his heart might cease to beat. “Timothy, can we talk for a moment?” Collin inquires as we come to a halt in front of Timothy’s desk.

Timothys eyes turn away from Collins face and lock down onto his desk, “I’m supposed to be writing an article.”

His weak attempt at avoidance nearly has me chuckling instead I just smirk, “Oh I’m sure Ms. Powell won’t mind if we have a word…will you Ms. Powell?” I shout across the room, not taking my eyes off of Timothys small frame.

“Of course not, go ahead!” Ms. Powell calls back, and I can almost taste Timothys dismay. Silently he stands from his desk, moving around us careful to avoid all eye and body contact. He walks the few feet to the door as if it were death row and the people watching us only a formality.

Once we exit the room and the door is safely closed behind us Collin starts his questioning, which proves to be ten times friendlier then mine. “Timothy, we know that you didn’t take the photos, why won’t you tell us who really took them?”

Timothy is silent for a moment, the thoughts going around his head are almost palpable. After another brief time of consideration he seems to give up, and it’s almost as if the air around him deflates. “Because you’re wrong, I did take them.” His body seems to tremble as his eyes shoot daggers of hate into the floor. “But I didn’t want to,” His head jerks up, and my heart wrenches as I follow the trail of tears that race down his cheeks, “They forced me to do it, I wouldn’t have done it If I had known, but they didn’t tell me what it was that I would be photographing, until it was too late, and then they threatened me, and I didn’t know what to do, I was scared. I’m really sorry please don’t hate me!” His sobs shake through his body, as the tears poor out from his eyes, and I have the sudden urge to shield him in the comfort of my arms. Stepping forward I wrap my arms around his small convulsing shoulders, drawing him to me, before speaking my word of comfort.

“Timothy It’s alright, why didn’t you tell us this before, what do you mean they threatened you?” I question soothingly.

“He said that he would do stuff to me….you know…touch me.” Timothy sniffles upset, “I didn’t know what else to do.”

Someone had threatened my baby brother? The thought hits me like a ten pound brick, only it’s cold like ice as it settles its way into my chest, unable to melt in the warmth of my heart, that is now turning colder by the second. What sad excuse of human existence had dared to do such a thing? Whoever it is, when I find them I will rip their body a part limb from limb, bathing in the tortured screams of pain, and I will not stop no matter how much they beg. Their pleas might as well by fuel to the raging fire that is alight deep within the vast coldness of my heart, but it will not melt, until I destroy every last piece of that traitors being.

“Timothy, who threatened you, it was a boy?”

Timothy shakes his head vigorously back and forth, “Not just a boy a girl too.” Oh grand, now I have to slaughter a girl too? Oh look, there my gentlemanly sentiments go, out the fucking window. All I can say to that is good riddance.

Collin stares at Timothy, his blue eyes turning vacant, the only sign that he is still in the room with us comes from his voice, “Blaine, and Hailey?” He bites.

I can feel Timothy looking up from my chest slowly, when he lays eyes on Collin he nods his head, “How did you know?”

“We always had suspicions.” I respond, seeing as Collin has become unable to speak coherent words, and his face seems to be gradually gaining color, a cherry red pigment splotching across his beautiful features. With a sigh I gently pry Timothy from my body, pushing him back at an arms distance so I can look down into his eyes. “Listen Timothy, no one is going to hurt you, those two will regret the day they were born, I can almost guarantee it, what you need to do right now is go back into the newspaper room and work on your article alright let your big brother handle the jackasses.”

Timothy stares up at me his dark eyes seeming to search my face for some sort of assurance. What assurance can I give him, all I can promise is that those two won’t live to see tomorrow. Still it seems like something in my eyes calms him and when he finds what he’s looking for his eyes light up, and a beautiful smile crosses his tiny features, “Ok, but don’t hurt them I don’t want you to get expelled.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, we’ll see.”I grumble halfheartedly, before pushing my brother in the direction of the classroom. “I’ll pick you up at five kid.”

When Timothy has disappeared through the door I turn to Collin. The anger on his face is mine multiplied by a thousand, maybe a trillion or infinity, it’s hard to say. All that is certain, is that I know he is cooking up some sort of plan in his head to get them back. This is a little bit scary.

Yes it’s true that I want to kill those idiots. They dared to harm my little brother, and that has spurned a rage that Is hard for me to contain, but it’s also true that I probably won’t just slaughter them mercilously because I’m not that kind of guy I don’t go around beating people into bloody pulps in my free time. But Collin…when it comes to him nothing is really truly set in stone. Only god knows what’s going through his mind at this exact moment, and unfortunetly I am not god, and therefore I cannot determine his course of actions.

“Collin, what are you thinking?” I murmur quietly stepping closer to him. If he heard what I said, he is not showing any signs of acknowledgement. “Collin, don’t worry about this, let me take care of it okay?” I plead into his ear.

All is threateningly silent before Collin speaks his next words, “Don’t worry about this?” the bitterness in his voice catches me off guard, “All this bull shit because two people I slept with, can’t get over it?” his voice is raising gradually as he gets angrier with every next thought. “All this just because I won’t date them, and now all for this stupid revenge that they have to get, I’m being forced to date you to save my own reputation!”

The words hit me like a slap in the face. I recognize that dating me might not have been on Collins bucket list, but that doesn’t make those words hurt any less. How long have I waited for an opportunity like this to arise, an opportunity where I could hold him without feeling like some sort of freak. In my mind Collin wants this too, but in reality he is so far away from me that I can never reach him In this lifetime. “Is dating me really that bad?” The words find their way out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Collin breaks away from his angry stupor, his eyes darting towards me as a look of panic crosses his features, “Wha-

“Thanks for being honest Collin, and thank god that you’ve ended any delusion that I might have had of us.” Angrily I turn on my heels and head toward the exit of the building, “Why don’t we just break up huh, now that you know who took the pictures you can go bitch them out and this whole thing can be over.” I shout back to him.

“Marcus!” He shouts attempting to stop me. Once upon a time I probably would have stopped, because I did whatever Collin wanted me to do, he was everything to me. His value was more than my life, but why am I wasting away under his rule when I can be happy by myself?

“Marcus stop, I didn’t mean it like that come on don’t be a bitch!” Collin shouts as he grabs my arm, yanking.

“A bitch?” I scream, “When have I ever been a bitch to you, I’ve never done anything but hold you on a pedestal, I fucking worshipped you like some fucking love struck teen, didn’t you ever notice me there, I’ve never left your side even when you started acting like some sort of empty cacoon, and this is how you treat me in return?”

Collin sighs rubbing his hands tiredly over his face, “Yes, I know, I know that you’ve always been there, I understand that and I appreciate it more than you know, but I need you to stay with me right now Marcus!”

A hearty chuckle fountains out of my mouth, “You need me?” The sincere look that Collin gives me, calms the thrashing waves of nerves in my body and I give him my attention again. “How long am I going to have to stay with you Collin?”

The boy looks up at me his face a painting of curiousity.

“You’re never going to return my feelings, and I need to move on, I need to get over you so that I can join the real world. I can’t do that when I’m tied to you.”

Collin clears his throat, looking down at his shoes as if they are the most interesting thing in the world. “Listen Marcus,” he starts, “Don’t decide for yourself that I will never return your feelings.”

What did he just say?

“I’m not good at affection, there are things that I’ve been through that make it hard for me to accept closeness…..especially if it’s physical.” As he says this a blush creeps up his neck, reaching its fingers towards his cheeks. “but I don’t think that means it’s impossible, especially if it’s you….Marcus you’re the only person in this world that I care about, and if I’m being completely honest you are the only person who has made my heart beat faster, or my body heat up like it’s on fire.” He pauses cringing as he attempts to hide his face, “God this is so embarrassing.”

“Continue what you were saying.” I urge staring at him, unable to pull my eyes away from the beautiful boy in front of me, who is the picture of perfection.

“I…..I want you……physically.” He starts again hesitantly, but the next slur of words comes out so fast that I almost don’t catch him. “And not the same way that I’ve wanted the others, they were always chosen so I could dominate them so that I could feel power over them, but no matter how hard I try I can’t feel superior to you.” He inhales deeply, “I want you to dominate me, but I’m terrified of that, I’m terrified of being touched, this is why I need to go slowly, although I may not like you, I’m honestly not sure about my feelings for you, I’ve loved you since we were small but it’s only now that I’m having these feelings, and these desires geared towards you, so just stay with me…please?”

As I study Collins sincere face I want to laugh, but I’m afraid if I do I may scare him away, or offend him in some way. “You realize that you just gave me hope.”

“Yes.”

“So I’m going to seriously start pursuing you from now on, it’s not going to be a game, or a cover up for your reputation, everything I’m going to do from here on out is real, do you understand?”

“Yes…”The words come out of Collins mouth sounding small, and intimidated, “So does that mean your going to stay with me?”

Does it? After years and years of standing to the side and watching the boy I loved giving himself to others, I finally have a chance, a slight glimmer of hope at the end of this long ass tunnel. I can have him, if I hold out longer, If I train him and help him cope with my physical attention. I’m going to touch him, so often that he becomes used to my hands on his body, so that eventually it becomes a comfort to him, instead of an intimidation.

“Yes,” A relieved sigh from Collin, “But, I’m going to touch you, because I want you to understand that I’m not going to hurt you, because you are the most important person to me.”

Collin blushes looking away from me, unwilling to meet my gaze, “That’s fine, teach me well.” And with that he walks past me, his feet moving quickly as he tries his best for escape.