Hey everybody sorry I’m so late, I’m really trying to draw this story to a close!!!! But I’m super busy as I have started school, but I’m super happy that everyone is liking it, and I will continue to do my best and give you updates until it’s over!!!!  I love you all! Keep reading, and commenting and loving!!  Just so you guys know, this chapter has some intense and scary scenes, so if you’re a little squeamish then you might want to skip some bits, if not please enjoy!!!! Peace pandas!!!

Collin

“Why are you following me?” I growl at the brunette boy trailing behind me as I saunter through the crowd of bodies in the school hallway.

“What I can’t hang around with you now?” Caleb counters, bustling up to walk by my side. He has been following me around since the weekend date and although yes I do admit what I did to him was wrong, this whole follow Collin like a puppy thing is starting to get REALLY annoying. You would think that he would have some hesitance when coming around me after before, but apparently not he’s all sunshine and daisies, and snide sarcastic comments.

His question brings me to a halt mid stride, and some geeky kid who was hurrying behind me makes a head on collision with my back, “Ow!” Geek shouts rubbing his acne riddled forehead, “Watch where you’re going man!” Then he is back to running down the hall, not willing to accept the consequences of being late to class.

“Listen,” I sigh turning away from the Geek to Caleb who has come to a stop beside me holding the strap of his messenger back tightly in his fist as passerby’s bump and knock him around “I know I apologized, but don’t you think you’re moving a little quickly with our relationship?”

He stares. I can sense the sarcastic comment rolling around in his skull, just waiting to release itself as his tongue pushes against the inside recesses of his cheek, “We aren’t fucking dating.” He finally spits out and I mentally pat myself on the shoulder for my amazing foresight.

Really, like I don’t know that? I mean come on Marcus or him; I think we all know Marcus wins that battle hands down. “Yeah I know but Caleb, I tried to,” Flushing I look around at the thinning group of students before moving closer to Caleb, “I tried to rape you, doesn’t that bother you at all?”

Caleb rolls his eyes adjusting his bag over his shoulder before sidestepping me and moving ahead, stunned I turn around and follow behind him, “Sure that bothers me,” He continues before coming to a stop at a classroom door, He turns away from the entrance looking back at me seriously, “But what bothers me more, is what could possibly bring you to try and rape me in the first place.”

I’m stunned, that’s the only way I can describe it. I mean he actually cares about why I would do that? He isn’t just pissed because I tried to rape him but he wants to know WHY. I know it’s probably a little bit cheesy but I feel a sting in my eyes, and I know what’s coming. I have to quickly look away from him in order to avoid any embarrassing questions that my tears might bring to light. I’m pretty sure crying in front of Caleb could get my manhood badge revoked. “Uh, I’ll talk to you later.” I murmur quietly, before turning away and heading to my class, leaving a curious Caleb behind.

During the teachers lecture I can’t seem to focus, his monotonous drone sends me into wonderland.  Why does Caleb even care?  Sure we dated but I wasn’t the best boyfriend, I was violent, rude, and often times probably resembled a Satan worshipper, and yet still he wanted to know why I would do that. What bothered me more was when he said that…I kind of wanted to tell him.

The only close friend I have is Marcus, and I would rather die than tell him about my summer of horror. But I’ve been keeping it hidden for so long…..and It’s like this heavy weight on my shoulders that just sits there through school, through lacrosse, It’s even there when I’m with Marcus…just sitting there in the back of my mind.

You are used.

You are broken.

Why would he ever want you?

My head collides with my desk as the lights go out in the room, and the teacher turns on some stupid film that nobody wants to watch but will still sits through as long as they don’t have to do another worksheet or listen to another lecture.  I can hear the quiet snickers of the people around me as they tell some private joke about what happened last night, and I can feel the vibrations of some girl behind me tapping her foot to some silent rhythm.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’m through sitting in this shell, not allowing anyone in to help me heal. I thought I could do it by myself, but maybe I really can’t, maybe I really need help.  Will Caleb judge me? I mean we aren’t best friends, we aren’t really even kind of friends, but…….we share an emotion. I didn’t rape him, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t feel the fear, he didn’t know that I wouldn’t actually do it. He was just as scared as I was that night.

We share an experience.

Will that be enough?

The boy next to me taps me on the shoulder, “Hey Collin, ha-ha did Mindy tell you the joke about the-

I laugh, Yeah…maybe it will be.

Despite my thoughts of telling Caleb this morning, as soon as I come into contact with him after school the only thing I want to do is run away. He’s too happy, too bubbly and reminds me way too much of myself, but despite my avid attempts to shake him he follows me loyally out the doors of the school.

“Where’re you going huh?” Caleb asks bouncing up and down beside me as I look around the swarm of busy bodies.

“None of your business,” I scold leaning away from him, Caleb rolls his eyes -he seems to do that a lot- and moves in front of me to block my view.

“What’re you looking for?” annoyed I growl pushing him out of my way.

“If you must know I’m looking for Marcus because he told me to meet him out here, he’s giving me a ride back to his place, and why the hell are you so curious anyways, shouldn’t you be in a romantic embrace with that thick headed  middie of yours?” Caleb frowns slumping with dejection, all the happy air about him deflating like a popped balloon.

“Jason is sick; I’ve been so lonely all day long!” He sighs dramatically spinning in a circle before coming to a stop in front of me.

 I snort at his awkward display of dramatics, “Is that why you’ve been hooked to me like a puppy, what about Sadie and Chad?”

Caleb scowls, “Psh they ditched together, you know sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh at them, or pity them” I can’t help the smile that quirks at the corner of my mouth, because he is so rude and yet somehow manages to be so fucking adorable and funny.

“Will you ever accept their love?” I question cheekily doing a quick scan of the thinning crowd. Unlike middle school, the high school lot clears ten times faster, it’s a combination of wanting to get the hell out of here and the undeniable fact that we can now drive and therefore don’t have to wait like lost sheep for our shepherds.

“I don’t have to accept shit!” He complains swinging his car keys in a circle.

“Collin!”

The voice shocks me and I’m suddenly frozen in place. I can’t move, I can’t speak I can’t breathe. It’s almost as if I can feel my hearts perfectly paced beats dribble to a stop. Caleb gives me a funny look before nudging me, “Dude there’s a guy over there calling you.”

Caleb’s comment puts me on edge but I suddenly feel safe, well not safe, but safer. He wouldn’t do anything to me in public, not while others can see, however the crowd has trickled down to only a few stragglers here and there including Caleb and I.

Where Is Marcus?

“Collin!” He calls again.

I wince at the sound of my name on his tongue and squint, just hoping that I can force this moment away. Please when I open my eyes don’t be there. “Collin, are you okay?” Caleb asks stepping up to me in concern and grabbing my arm. I feel like I’m five, I want to hide my face In Caleb’s shoulder the way I did to my mother when a stranger would come knocking at the door.

When I open my eyes and make contact with Caleb’s it’s like he understands, not fully…but he knows…..he knows that I don’t want HIM here. He knows that I’m scared. I can see it in the way his eyes widen and his mouth parts in a deep breath, than he is grabbing my hand with his trying to lend me silent comfort, he lets me know that he is right there.

I’m safer.

“Collin, listen to me damnit!” He yells from the parking lot, I can hear the irritation in his voice, the built up stress and tension. He has no way to release it, no small body to hurt and soil so it sits there on his shoulder like an ugly demon.

Slowly I turn around and face the parking lot, squeezing Caleb’s hand so tightly that I think I might be breaking his bones. He doesn’t say anything, just grips back. We turn to face my brother who is leaning against his open car door, there are circles under his eyes and his perfectly tailored stubble seems to have overgrown over the past week. When he sees my hand intertwined with Caleb’s his eyes narrow, and his body takes on a tense stance. “Finally you hear me!” He scolds in a sickeningly sweet tone that oozes lies.

“Wha-what do you want?” My attempt to come across confident fails as I stumble nervously over my own words.

“I came to pick you up!” He chirps cheerily, giving me a prize winning smile. His pearly whites glimmering for a brief moment before I see them biting, ripping, and tearing at my skin. Inhaling I squeeze Caleb’s fingers forcing the images away.

“Uh thanks, but I don’t need one.”

The smile drops from Gregory’s face like a piece of paper; I swear I see it flutter to the floor before it’s swept away by the growing whirlpool of wind. A storm must be coming. It’s like a switch flipped, and Gregory is suddenly filled to the brim with anger and hostility, his eyes darting back and forth between my face and my hand wrapped around Caleb’s.

“Why not?”  He seethes, throwing his door shut. I jump at the loud slam, and take a cowardly step backwards.

“I-I’m going home with Marcus.” I stammer, and mentally curse at my weakness as I feel sweat slide down the back of my neck. Is it hot? I think it’s hot; I want to ask Caleb if he’s hot but I’m too terrified.

“Really?” Greg asks evilly walking slowly towards us from across the parking lot; I can feel Caleb tense at my side like a bow, all of his muscles taught and on high alert. Every step that Gregory takes towards us kills a little bit of my courage. The footstep echoes across the school yard, hitting every angle and rushing at me like a wave…taking me under. He comes to a stop a few feet in front of us. “Marcus is the boy who was in the car with you last week wasn’t he?”

He’s too close! My mind screams at me begging me to back up, my body tells me not to move…..just don’t move maybe he won’t touch you….don’t move and he won’t be tempted. Unable to speak I just nod and look at the pavement. “Hmm,” Gregory hums darkly, “And what exactly is your relationship with this Marcus guy?”

I can’t talk…I don’t want to…I just want him to go away, why won’t he just go? “Marcus is his boyfriend.” A courageous Caleb informs from my side, I turn to glance at him. His eyes shine dangerously, daring my brother…..daring him, at this moment I admire him more than anyone.

“A boyfriend?” Greg asks in surprise, before chuckling and bending down to look me in the eyes, those eyes burn holes into me, they kill me. “Little Collins got himself a boyfriend huh?” I don’t say anything…just go away. The smile on his face evaporates and he stands up straight reaching up and grabbing the small hairs at the base of my neck…..he strokes. “You’re gonna have to come home sometime Collin.” Then he yanks, I gasp in pain reaching for the back of my neck as Gregory turns around and jogs over to his car. “See you later Collin.” He grins before sliding into his seat. I hold my breath until his car is out of sight.

“Who was that?” Caleb orders from my side finally releasing my hand, I clutch at empty air for a few seconds before shoving my hands into my pocket.

“My brother.”

“Where were you?” I interrogated apathetically, as I leaned my head against the window of Marcus’s car the coolness of the glass comforting the slow heavy ache in my brain. It had started raining a few minutes after the Gregory incident; luckily I was spared from answering any of Caleb’s questions as Marcus decided to make his glorified appearance.

Marcus concentrated on the road, his wind shield whippers swishing across the glass, leaving the remains of broken rain drops, “I had to make up a lab in bio, seriously it was the most ridiculous thing ever, who the hell cares about the carbon cycle, I learned that when I was like eight!” I don’t say anything as Marcus continues to mumble and curse, I just stare out the window. There’s a middle school girl walking home in the heavy rain, in nothing but a hoodie. I wonder why her parents didn’t pick her up. Did they not care? Maybe they weren’t home. Maybe they’re never home. I feel bad.

Finally we pull into Marcus’s driveway, he clicks the garage opener above his mirror and we slowly glide into the dark space. When the car comes to a halt I jump out and head inside, ignoring Marcus’s call. Stumbling through the dark kitchen I drop my bag onto the kitchen table, and then I stumble up the stairs into Marcus room, and fall down onto his bed. I’m so tired, I never knew just standing and looking at someone could take so much of my energy away. Tears prick my eyes as I think back to the moment from less than a half hour ago.

Why wasn’t Marcus there?

I really know why Marcus wasn’t there, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering, and wishing he was. How can I ever open up to him, if he isn’t here? I cry, not the gross wailing sobs that you sometimes see in movies, just a light trickle of silent tears. Those words repeat over and over again like a broken record in my head.

Why wasn’t he there?

I come up behind Marcus as he stands obliviously waiting for me at our usual spot by the flag pole, when he sees me he jumps, “Oh my god you scared the shit out of me Collin!” He informs me as he takes a deep breath. “So are you ready to go?” he wraps his arm around me and gives me a kiss.

“Actually, I’m going to Caleb’s house today if that’s okay with you?” I ask quietly shifting my weight from foot to foot. Marcus gazes at me confused and a little on guard.

“Calebs house why?” The way he says it tells me he doesn’t trust me to be alone with Caleb, he thinks Ill hurt him. That hurts.

“Just to talk about some stuff, don’t worry I’ll have him bring me back to yours after, I’m not going to go all beast on him.” When I say this Marcus groans, realizing his mistake, but I don’t care enough to listen to him apologize, instead I just turn around and saunter away towards Caleb, who is waiting for me in his car.

“Collin!” Marcus yells apologetically, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” I don’t humor him with a response. Caleb stares at me worriedly when I plop down into his passengers seat, but he doesn’t say anything until we are back in his room. No Jason, No Sadie, No Chad, and most important of all..No Marcus

Caleb sits on his bed, patting the covers beside him in an order for me to sit as well. I obey. “So Collin, are you going to tell me what that was about yesterday?” He asks softly, and I feel like he’s treating me like a porcelain doll. Honestly that is how I’m feeling right now, so despite myself I let my emotions rise from the dark dungeon in my heart, and I cry. I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Caleb gasps when I start to sob, and He grabs my shoulder bringing his hand to rub at my back. “Collin, what’s wrong?” He asks rubbing my back soothingly, as I continue to sob into my hands. “If you don’t want to tell me you don’t have to, it’s okay!”

I shake my head through my tears, and rub at my eyes, “I-I” The words don’t seem to want to come out, but I’m sick of keeping it in, I need to tell someone, “I’m so tired!” I sob. “I don’t want to keep it hidden anymore; I want to tell someone, I need to tell someone.”

Caleb nods fervently at me continuing to rub his hand over my shoulder blades, “You can tell me.”

Sniffling I look up at him, tears running down my face, “You won’t hate me?”

“Wha- why would I hate you?” He asks, before looking at me skeptically, “If I don’t hate you because of what you did before, what makes you think this will be any different?”

That almost makes me laugh. Almost. Instead I nod fervently inhaling deeply before turning towards my ex-boyfriend, “It happened two summers ago.”

“The summer of ninth grade?” Caleb questions wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

I nod, before continuing on to tell him the whole story, how I had been so excited to be in the same school as Marcus again, how I had come home to take a nap and was woken up by my brother. How he undressed me, hit me, and hurt me in more ways than one, and how he told me that nobody would ever love me. By the time I’m finished retelling the horrible memories Caleb is crying, and I’m crying and we both are holding onto each other tightly.

“I’m so sorry Collin!” He sniffles rubbing my back, “I didn’t know, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know what to do, He’s back now, and he won’t leave me alone, and I just don’t know what to do!” I sob loudly. “I’m so scared.”

“Why don’t you tell Marcus?” he offers smartly, “He needs to know, he would want to know.”

I shake my head rubbing at my tears, “I don’t want him to find out, he would be disgusted, he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Caleb shakes his head standing in front of me, “No, You’re wrong Marcus is the nicest guy in the world, he wouldn’t care he would probably want to kill your brother, but he would never hate you!”

Violently I shake my head, “He can’t find out Caleb, you have to promise me that you won’t tell him.”

Caleb frowns and turns around walking to the opposite side of the room, he paces back and forth before finally sighing, “Fine I won’t tell him, but if something happens again, then I won’t hesitate do you understand?” I nod in relief, glad that Caleb is willing to go with me on this matter instead of telling me he knows what’s best. Caleb stops in front of me once more looking puzzled, “Collin, what are you going to do?” He asks.

I tell him the truth, “I don’t know.”

When I pull into Marcus’s house later that night I wave a goodbye to Caleb, and he watches as I head inside the house. He doesn’t trust me being alone now; he has dubbed himself as my official bodyguard. I find this funny since he is smaller than me in every sense of the word, but I don’t say anything. It’s nice to know that I have someone who is actually watching out for me.

As soon as I open the door Marcus is attacking me, “What the hell were you doing there for so long?” He growls in an above whisper as I enter the house closing the door quietly behind me. It’s dark in the house given that it’s twelve in the morning and I don’t want to wake Timothy or Marcus’s mother over something as silly as a door slamming.

Shrugging I drop my bag onto the couch before heading into the kitchen, “I guess we ended up talking too late, why does that matter?” I can’t believe I have enough guts and energy right now to give Marcus Sass, but here I am…Mr. Sass pants. Reaching into the fridge I pull out the water jug and grab a cup pouring the cold clear liquid into the glass. The water is refreshing as I swallow it greedily, I guess I didn’t realize how dehydrated I was. All that crying can do that to you.

Marcus grabs my arm roughly turning me to face him, and then says the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life “Are you sure you aren’t still going after him?” I want to say he isn’t being serious but the look on his face tells me otherwise. Peeved I pull away from him and throw the water jug back into the fridge.

“Yeah you caught me Marcus; I went over there and had tons of hot passionate sex with Caleb Mowery.” I declare, “And now I’m going to go to bed…in the guest room, because I don’t think right now is a great time for us to be talking.” And with that I walk past him towards the hall unable to deal with his weirdness tonight. However I don’t get far before he is shoving me roughly against the wall of the hallway, the impact sending a slight ache through my shoulder. I didn’t even expect it, I mean Marcus never gets violent with me but he is definitely not being gentle as he shoves his tongue down my throat.

It happens so fast that I choke, but recover quickly as he grabs my thighs lifting me onto his waist. Marcus slams me back into the wall again, pinning my body down with his pelvis; he roughly bites at my lips, and runs his hands up my shirt. And I know I shouldn’t but I panic, I panic because he is being rough and his fierce, fervent hands are bringing back memories that I don’t like to relive. They feel angry, they feel uncaring, they feel rough, and greedy, but most of all they feel jealous.

Terrified I slam my fists down onto his shoulders, unable to talk as he pushes his mouth against mine. Marcus stop!!! I think. I don’t like this, it doesn’t feel good! You’re scaring me!

He doesn’t hear me; of course he doesn’t hear me. His hands pinch my nipples sending waves of pleasurable pain through my body and to my groin, where despite my fear I harden. Marcus feels this and his quick raging hands slide down my stomach to unbutton my pants. His hand shoves into my underwear grabbing my member harshly and I tear up. I don’t like this, I don’t want this. I pound harder on his back as he pulls and jerks me, quick and violently. It doesn’t feel good. Why is he doing this! I thought he loved me!!!

A scream.

That is all it takes, to get Marcus stumbling away from me. I fall to the floor sobbing, desperately pulling my shirt down and trying to adjust my pants. Marcus stares at me in horror seeming to realize what he just did, he looks like he’s sorry, he looks like he’s in pain. But I don’t care because he can’t be more sorry, or more in pain then I am right now.

I thought that he was supposed to protect me from harm, and yet here he is doing exactly what I’ve been fearing and having nightmares over all my life. Right now I hate him. Timothy enters the hallway, an innocent bystander to this horror. He glances at Marcus, all muscle sweat, and heaving breaths, and then he looks down at me crumpled on the floor and in tears. I imagine that this doesn’t look good to the young boy, but there’s no need to sugar coat reality, because it isn’t good. The sooner he realizes that the people you love hurt you, the better off he’ll be.

“Marcus, what happening?” He asks quietly, but there is no denying the scared tremor in his voice. His eyes dart back and forth, back and forth, and I imagine being in his position who do I look towards? My brother who I love and adore, or the crumpled sobbing boy on the floor.

Marcus doesn’t answer he just stares at me, and I see tears shining in his eyes, “Collin.” He reaches down to touch me, but I sob loudly and scoot away from his hand.

“Don’t touch me, don’t touch me!” I scream at him, he backs off raising his hands in front of him to show me that he isn’t going to hurt me. But I don’t fall for that quickly I stand and move backwards down the hallway. The door to my left opens and Marcus’s mother comes out, pulling her fluffy pink robe around her body tightly.

“What’s going o-“

“Collin I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt-“

“I hate you!” I sob hugging myself tightly, “I hate you, don’t ever come near me again, I hate you!” and with that I run into the guest room, slamming the door closed behind me and locking it.

The next morning I wake up early, earlier than everybody else. I text Caleb and ask him if he can pick me up, he agrees and in record time his car is pulling up in the driveway and there is a bing in my phone telling me he’s here.

I don’t see Marcus throughout the school day, I couldn’t get a ride with him, and I just couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face. I feel so betrayed, I feel so used, and unloved. I wonder why he did what he did, but no matter how much I think about it I just can’t figure it out.

I tell Caleb what happened at lunch. He ditches Sadie, Chad and Jason and instead sits with me in the library. When he hears what Marcus did last night he turns red with rage, and jumps out of his seat. “What the hell is wrong with him?” He shouts, and I flinch tossing a quick look around the alcove we’re sitting in. A few wondering students give us odd looks but quickly move on, “How can he even think about hurting you like that, I’m going to pummel his ass into the ground just you watch!” the small boy threatens grabbing his bag and marching out the door and into the hall. I don’t follow him, because I don’t want to see Marcus’s face, and I don’t want him to come looking for me. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like you just wanted to run and hide from everyone, but that’s how I feel right now. I don’t want to be here, I want to go home but I can’t because waiting there for me is a hungry lion. A lion just waiting to eat me up.

Not like Marcus’s is any better at this point…maybe Caleb will let me stay with him. As I think this an image of Jason flashes through my head and I flinch, yeah probably not the best idea….Sadie? With a sigh I stand up knowing that I can’t stay here any longer without someone I don’t like finding me. No doubt Caleb will chew Marcus out in the lunch room, which will then lead to Jason chewing him out, which will then lead to Marcus asking where I am, which will then lead him here. I can’t be here when he comes looking, so I head upstairs and to my last class.

The teacher is leaving for lunch so I ask him if I can stay in his classroom if I lock the door. I must look pretty horrible because he agrees and gives me the key to the classroom before heading out to eat. I lay with my head on the desk until the lunch bell rings and I have to open the door to let the teacher and class back into the room. I know that Caleb was true to his word in chewing Marcus out because when the students come in they are all muttering and whispering about me.

“Did you hear about Collin and Marcus’s fight?” A girl asks.

“I heard they broke up, and that Caleb Mowery punched Marcus in the face!” Someone else whispers.

“Impossible, they’re inseparable.”

“I hear Collin cheated on Marcus!”

“No way, it was the other way around you halfwit!”

The teacher gives me an apologetic look, but then the class lapses into silence. Marcus is here. I know because I can hear his footfalls against the floor and feel as he comes up to the desk beside me, and sits. Everybody watches, waiting for someone to say something, instead I raise my hand. The teacher smiles sadly and calls on me, “Yes Mr. Sanders?”

“Sorry sir, but can I move seats for today?” I ask stoically, I can feel the class glance between the teacher, Marcus and I as if we are some sort of television drama for their fucking entertainment.

The teacher nods, “Of course, there’s a seat in the back you can take, go ahead and move now.” I nod and stand grabbing my bag and walking through the gasping and muttering students to the back of the room. Once my head is down on the desk the teacher starts the lecture, deciding against hassling me to pay attention. I silently thank him, making a mental reminder to buy him coffee tomorrow.

“I told you they broke up!”

“Yeah I guess you were right.” I don’t look up from my desk, I just lay there the whole class period, I don’t sleep I just stare at the wall and listen to the teacher, every so often zoning in and out. Have we broken up? This feels big….but is it that big? Do I want to break up? Well I definitely don’t want to be with him right now. Maybe we’re just taking a break….yeah….a break.

When the bell rings I am the first one out of the door, I don’t go to my locker and I don’t meet up with Caleb. I text him and tell him that I’m going home with Marcus, and for all Marcus knows I’m going home with Caleb. Instead of doing either of those things….I walk down to the park. It’s peaceful, and no one comes around at this time of day, I know that I can stay here for another twenty five minutes before the middle schools get out, and kids come swarming to the area. I lie on the grass and stare up at the clouds, wishing that I could just float up there in the sky with them. So carefree and perfect, they look so happy and pure…..would they even let me sit up there with them? They probably don’t like dirty people.

As I continue to stare up at the sky, I drift into a deep sleep, the sun warming my body pleasantly and the grass resembling a comfortable mattress. Everything seems perfect for a moment. But that’s all it is…

A moment.

Out of the blue a hand is grabbing my mouth, and a weird smell seeps into my nostrils and then …

I’m out.

When I wake up, I’m in a familiar bedroom. The walls are grey and the carpet is a dark cold color, but the most shocking realization is that I’m lying on a…..therapeutic mattress. Oh no. I jolt up in my bed and look around the room nervously, it’s dark outside as far as I can tell through the small sliver of the sky that I can see through my thick curtains. What time is it? How long have I been out? I look around the bed for my phone but I can’t seem to find it, where did I leave it? How did I get here? I can’t remember anything. My shoes are set neatly on the desk across the room, and I try to remember taking them off but I can’t. “Welcome home Collin.”

FEAR. Complete and utter fear is what I feel when I hear his voice…and I know. I know what he is planning to do to me. Terrified I look up at Gregory’s tall, muscled frame in the doorway, he’s leaning on it bare chested, clad only in a pair of boxers, he planned it all. “Why?” I ask before scrambling off my bed, “What do you want with me, I haven’t done anything wrong, what do you want?”

Gregory laughs, “I think we both know what I want.” He informs me moving forward, I tense as he moves towards me, and I have an inner battle with myself in those brief few seconds.  Do I try to get away? No he’ll catch me there’s no use in trying, I hear myself say. No you still have to try, you can’t just let him do what he wants to you, another part of me says…But if you just let him, it might be less painful, just let him.

 NO!

That is when I decide, I watch as my brother moves forward, carefully like a predator, and when he is in just the right position I make to dart around him. I feel victorious and elated when I make it past him and into the hall, the stairs only a few feet away, but my escape is soon hindered when I feel his strong hand wrap around my bicep, and he grabs me around the waist and hoists me over his shoulder.

 And I’m screaming, as loud as I can. I’m screaming and crying and hitting him as hard as I can, but he isn’t budging, he throws me down onto my bed, where I bounce for a moment before going still.  I make to crawl away from him but he grabs my ankles and pulls me back as I claw at my mattress. He tears my underwear and pants from my body, and rips open the back of my shirt. I’m screaming as he rubs his face all over my back, kissing me and digging those pearly white teeth into my neck to draw blood. I’m struggling turning over onto my back to punch him in the face but he slaps me over and over, and then he drops his boxers and I’m hurting. I’m screaming and crying and begging, and hurting. And all I can think about is Marcus.

He’s going to hate me.