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July 21st, 2028

Jagi woke up crying a few nights ago, utterly exhausted from having to feed the baby every few hours and not being able to get a proper sleep in so long.

I tried to comfort her, but she felt guilty that aegi was upsetting her. Like she wasn't being a good mom because she couldn't just put up with it. After talking her into the idea of temporary bottle feeding, she finally gave in.

I can tell she still feels awful because breastfeeding is optimal and it's part of their mother and daughter bonding time. I'm confident that she'll be in a better mindset once she gets to have a few nights of proper sleep.

Before she was able to change her mind, I made sure to buy everything necessary to pump and store her breastmilk in the fridge. We agreed that for a week I'd wake up throughout the night to feed aegi so she could sleep, also after much insistence.

I don't mind being awake at all, so it truly was not an issue for me, but she kept insisting I had to get some rest too. Not more than she does though, since I've been back at work I've seen her decline and I've felt terrible about it.

When we helped each other it was more manageable for her, but the more time passed and she was doing it all by herself, the harder it was on her. She seemed to be going insane these last few days and I just couldn't keep seeing her beating herself up about it.

I took for granted how easy it is to feed a baby, I'm still trying to find the best and most comfortable way for both. I haven't told jagi about it though, I don't want her to feel like she needs to take over. I feel so incompetent.

The first couple of nights aegi kept crying and I didn't know what I was doing wrong, until I figured out she was swallowing too much air. The fact that her stomach was aching because I didn't know how to properly hold her made me feel like an idiot. My ignorance was literally painful for her.

When I got the angle to hold her right and double checked the bottle was also at such an angle there was no air trapped in the neck of it, I thought that should do the trick. Yet she kept throwing the milk back up and I started wondering if her tummy was still upset.

I didn't tell jagi about that either, if she felt like she was a bad mother, I felt like an even worse father. I couldn't even feed my baby girl. I ended up calling the doctor in the middle of the night at the verge of tears, feeling completely inadequate.

It was so frustrating to keep trying everything and seeing her drink just fine, to then have her puke right after. One, two, three, four times, I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and my anxiety just got worse each time as I hoped and prayed it wouldn't happen again.

The doctor told me the flow was probably too fast and she might be drinking too much in one go. Flow. All I could think of was rapping when he said that, my flow job was bad for once. He proceeded to explain it could also be too slow, so I had to find something in the middle.

Not so slow the baby would fall asleep before drinking enough, not too fast she'll feel stuffed and not keep it down. I'm slowly figuring out the right milk flow with his tips now, reading on burping too because I'm not underestimating what sounds like a simple task anymore.

Aegi seems to get sleepy halfway through feeding, but she'll want more when I put her down to sleep. Instead of waking up shortly after now, we just take a break and then both go back to sleep.

We are half-laying down on the couch at the moment. I have her over my shoulder and I'm stroking her back to help her wake up. It takes a while though, so I figured it was a good time to write, I blame her mom's genes.

When she finally kept the milk down after I talked to the doctor I did end up crying with relief. It's terrifying to think about how something so small can make such a big difference. The angle of your hold, how fast the milk pours down.

Raising a human being can go wrong in so many ways and even doing my best I was messing up without even realizing. I was causing her pain unknowingly, making her sick. My heart clenches thinking about it, it was unintentional. That's the scary thing about it.

I hope I can do this right, when one's best isn't enough, things start getting daunting. The pressure of the band getting bigger and more well-known was overwhelming, I remember crying in the shower about that. Now I'm crying over the task of maybe not even being a half-decent dad, this feels even worse.

I ordered three different books online about parenting, I wish there was a definite manual. Maybe the world wouldn't be notoriously disastrous if there was one though, people would be decent and we could have world peace.

Who am I kidding, it's 4 in the morning and I just want to laugh at that stupid thought. I want aegi to wake up to eat, I don't want to startle her though. I can at least try to raise my baby girl to be the best person she can be, even if it's just her, just one human within billions.

She can make a difference.

She already did the moment she came into our lives. It's truly fascinating that two cells we so easily discard have the power to merge and develop into a whole other being. It's so trippy...I desperately need sleep.

I'm gonna try changing her diaper and see if that brings her back from her food comma. This one might be worse than jagi's, but she hates it when I compare her sleep to aegi's. It's terribly adorable to me, but she whines about how she inherited bad things from her. It only makes her look and sound cuter.

I can see a lot of her in aegi already. It's every part of her, no matter whether it's good or bad, if there's such thing, that makes my baby. And I love her just the way she is.

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