United Palace, New York, January 5th 2024

It's my opening night of "Kinky Boots". By this time opening nights shouldn't scare me but I'm so anxious.

It's an irrational fear, like I haven't been this scared.

I'm having an anxiety attack in my dressing room. My heart is beating really fast and my breath is heavy.

I look around and just see a bunch of costumes.

Lola costumes. My vanity mirror is full of face paints and makeup.

I could just leave this room and go to my loft and lock myself in it.

But I can't, I have to perform, people paid tickets to see this show.

And I don't want to give my job to my understudy who has been acting suspicious.

He wants to take over, to take my part.

But everythig's so hard. I guess it's just because of the critics.

The things people have been writing on the internet.

The other day I watched one of those pseudo news youtube channels.

And the youtuber had the audacity to say I'm doing blackface and taking black people's jobs with this role.

He called me white trash and said that I'm the product of white privilege.

I never asked for it. I refused this role at first because of this.

I thought the live video had clear people's mind, but guess I was wrong.

Madonna played Eva Perón in "Evita" and she isn't from Argentina.

So why are people coming for me so strong?

Acting is about to become someone we're not.

So why people diss actors from playing characters that aren't suitable of their own person?!

I hear a knock on the door and it's Elsie and her assistant Trinity.

They start to give me a pep talk about the criticism.

They told me to take the positivity in and the negativity out.

Elsie's assistant is really beautiful. She looks like a latina.

Maybe she is. But I have to focus on the musical.

Trinity – Mr. Wright, I don't know you too well.

Trinity – But I know that no one who borns with the talent you have can't lose it.

Trinity – Nobody can and you will not. I assure you.

Jordan – Thank you Trinity, that was really kind.

Trinity – It's alright. I just want you to give us full Lola realness.

I'm gaining my strenght again. Somebody knocks on the door.

Jordan – Wow it looks like I'm full of guests.

Elsie – You're not forced to open the door.

Jordan – It might be Roderick so.

Elsie – Right.

Jordan – Come in.

Roderick comes in with flowers and a bottle with warm water and lemon slices.

Roderick – How is my greatest star doing?

Jordan – Quite anxious to be honest.

Roderick – Oh there's no reason to be anxious. You're the best in the bizz.

Jordan – I'm not the best. I'm just good.

Roderick – Sam is on his way to the dressing room. He is quite concerned about you.

Jordan – Why?

Roderick – Because of the media.

Roderick – They're targeting you as the epitome of white privilege.

Elsie - Roderick?!

Roderick – What?

Elsie – Don't get him all anxious.

Elsie – He's already bad enough. Stop with those things.

Another knock on the door is heard.

Roderick – It's Sam.

Elsie – Don't let him in.

Roderick – Okay.

Sam opens the door and enters without permission.

Sam – I'm sorry for being this rude but people are wild.

Sam – The theatre is full. People are waiting for the show begin.

Elsie – Sam, please be careful with your words.

Elsie – Don't bring any negativity to Jordan. He is suffering enough.

Sam – Oh, I'm sorry everybody.

Sam – Sorry Jordan.

Jordan – You don't have to be sorry.

Jordan – You haven't done anything wrong.

Another knock on the door can be heard. Everybody looks at the door.

Jordan – Please come in.

It's Jimmy, my director. He seems quite excited.

Director – Hi Jordan, how are you doing?

Jordan – I'm a bit nervous but I know I'll be alright.

Director – Yes, you will.

Director – You're surrounded of a lot of people.

Jordan – Yes. They're my friends.

Jordan – They are giving me support because of the negativity of the media.

Director – Pay them no mind. You are a talented actor and you aren't offending anyone.

Director – You're just getting into the character in the most accurate way.

Jordan – You're right.

Director – And that is not offensive.

Jordan – But those words keep flying through my mind and I can't shut them up.

Jordan – They're too loud. And I'm afraid that will affect my performance.

Director – Oh I'm afraid to tell you that that can't happen.

Jordan - Sure.

Director – There's a lot at stake, a there's a lot of money involved in it.

Jordan – I'm aware of that.

Director – Break a leg. I'll be up there watching you.

Jordan – Thanks Jimmy.

Jordan – Well guys, could you give me some privacy so I can distract a bit and be at peace?!

Elsie – Sure.

Roderick – We'll be in the audience cheering for you Jordan.

Jordan – Thank you.

Sam – Break a leg Jordan.

Trinity – Break a leg.

Jordan – Thank you everybody.

Everybody gets out of my dressing room leaving me alone.

Well I'm not alone, the voices in my mind are my companion.

There's only one way to do make them disappear.

By taking pills.

I search my bag and grab a bottle of Valium. So I can be calm.

I can hear from where I am, the first act taking action.

"Price & Son Theme" is being sung by the members that are playing the company workers.

The musical numbers go one after the other, until it's my time to go onstage to sing "Land of Lola".

I go upstairs, I'm still anxious and feeling like I'm going to fail.

My heart is pumping really fast.

My breath is heavy and I feel like throwing up.

But as soon as the number begins I give full Lola and I'm fierce and fearless.

It's really nice to act as a drag queen.

It's empowering, it allows you to transcend your gender and gives you the power to be dominant.

That's my take on what a drag queen is and what Lola truly is.

The number ends and everybody claps.

The other lead male actor, Jason, the one who is playing Charlie is quite charming.

He is really talented and "tells me" through his eyes, that everything is going to be okay.

The next scene after "Charlie's soliloquy" takes place in the "Price" shoe factory.

Where Charlie shows Lola and the angels the boots he designed.

The musical number "The Sex is in the Heel" begins.

The musical number ends. And the musical goes on until the end.

The finale is set in Milan.

It's my cue to enter and slay the runway with the musical number "Raise You Up/Just Be".

As the instruments start to be played I get a bit dizzy and can't see clearly.

My vision is a bit crossed. I try to shake it off and kick the performance.

I bet it's the side effects of too many Valium pills.

The musical number ends and so does the musical.

Everybody is clapping and the cast and I do two curtain calls because everybody was loving it.

It was a complete stading ovation. There was no one seated.

We all go back to our dressing rooms. A tech guy tells me I did amazing and I thank him.

I go downstairs and enter my dressing room that is full of people again.

Sam, Roderick, Elsie and Trinity. Fernando couldn't make it.

They all hug me and congratulate me on my performance.

Elsie sits in a chair near my bag and a bottle of Valium falls on the floor.

Elsie – What's this?

Jordan – It's just some pills for my anxiety. Nothing hard.

Elsie – Since when Valium isn't hard?!

Jordan - Please Elsie. Not now

Elsie – Do you know all the side effects of it?!

Jordan – This is my opening night and I just took them tonight.

Jordan – I got them yesterday but I promised just to take them if I would really feel anxious.

Jordan – And I was, you know it. You all know it.

Roderick – Just don't abuse. Don't take too much, please!

Jordan – I won't Rody. It was just for tonight.

Someone knocks on the door.

Jordan – Come in.

It's Jimmy and is really happy. He hugs me real tight.

Director – Congrats Jordan. You were amazing out there.

Director – Your performances were at the level of Billy Porter.

Jordan – Oh, please don't.

Director – You still poured something yours and you were great.

Director – And that finale?!

Director – It was really... how do they say it?!

Director – Sickening!

Everybody is looking at each other because they know all the things that went behind that musical number.

Jordan – Thank you Jimmy. I'm so happy, I really am.

Director – I can see this show running for months. Or even years.

Jordan – Let's not get that excited. We still have to read the reviews.

Director –No matter what the reviews say you are a star.

Director – Now I have some people to speak with. Have a good night.

Jordan – Thank you. Goodnight.

Jimmy leaves my dressing room.

I turn to the people in the dressing room and I'm kind of unsatisfied.

Elsie – What's the matter honey?!

Jordan – I don't think I could do this anymore.

Elsie – Why not?

Everyone but Roderick disagrees with my statement.

Jordan – I did perform terrific but I'm getting a lot of anxiety and stage fright.

Jordan (to Roderick) – And I promised you that if that happened to me, I would stop for a while.

Elsie – You can't stop now. This is only the beggining.

Roderick – You have to follow your heart.

Jordan – I know!

Elsie – There's more shows. You'll see that with time those things will disappear.

Jordan (hopeless) – I wish.