California, May 6th 2017

It's 5 p.m and I'm really irritated.

Nervous, anxious, having all the type of negative moods.

I have to tell the person I love that I have to be apart from him. How can you tell that to someone?!

It's the worst thing to say in the world.

Roderick means a lot to me. He is my person.

And I know that saying that may confuse since I am my own person and one can't own another person.

But he is. He is the one I think everyday, the one I want to tell every great thing that happens to me.

And how I love to listen to him.

To hear him talking with such a passion about sports and travelling is really amusing.

But as everything in life, our relationship is coming to an end.

Someone knocks on the door.

Jordan – I'm coming.

Jordan – Who's there?!

Roderick (from the outside) – It's me Roderick.

It's time to bawl my eyes.

Jordan (in a sad whispery voice) – Come in.

Roderick – So what do you have to tell me?

Jordan – Please, take a seat.

We both seat and I try to not break down.

Jordan - Would you like to drink something?

Roderick – No, thank you. I'll stop beating around the bush.

Jordan (clears throat) – Well, my sister is buying tickets for both of us to go to New Yrork.

Roderick – Oh I thought you gave up about New York.

Jordan – I did but...

Roderick – But it's good for you, you're back at your favorite city.

Jordan – No it isn't.

Jordan – Jackie wants to get a degree in Dramatic Arts and she also wants me to do it with her.

Roderick – Oh okay.

Roderick – But didn't you give up about acting?

Jordan - I guess I did. But I've been thinking.

Jordan – All my life I was lead into acting. Even if I didn't succeed as I wanted, I did get a pretty good success.

Jordan – Acting is my life, I breathe theatre.

Roderick doesn't even say a word and looks into my eyes really disappointed.

Roderick – So what about us?

Roderick – You're thinking only about yourself.

Roderick – You're hurting me, even though I support you in everything.

Jordan – I'm not asking you to be supportive of this because I know if I was in your shoes right now I would be flipping out.

Roderick – I just love you so much and I don't want you to get mad again.

Roderick – I saved you and I don't want to do that again because I don't you to be weak.

Jordan (starting to cry) – I know and that's what it hurts me the most.

Jordan (crying) – To know that you saved a person who pushed you away again and again. You are my true lover.

Jordan (crying) – You showed how to love. How to not have this high expectations on myself.

Jordan (crying) – I think back at how I was and I thought. Wow what a great man he is.

Jordan – To go to another state just to save someone who might not want him back again.

Roderick – Then why are you leaving me?!

Jordan (crying) – To claim another love of mine.

Roderick – I hope that you won't stop thinking of me.

Jordan (crying and smiling) – I won't.

Jordan (crying) - No matter how successful or famous I get. When it comes to you, I'm just a complexed and sensitive guy.

Jordan (smiling through tears) – I'm always that weird guy who needs love and wants to please everyone.

Roderick (crying) – I accept your decision but promise me that you will always contact me.

Roderick – And do... not... forget... me.

Jordan – I will take the train on May 8th at 10 a.m.

Jordan – Would you be there to say goodbye to me?!

Roderick (crying) – I will.

Roderick – Now I'm going home. If you don't mind. I have a lot to think about.

Jordan – Sure, please be safe.

Roderick – Always.

I open the door to Roderick and watch him go away.

It won't be the last time I will see him go away but it feels like it.

The world nowadays puts us to choose between love and career.

Back then you could live with both things at the same time.

Now if you choose love you will never have a great career. And it happens the same otherwise.

I sit down letting cry myself out. It's a mess right now.

I leave the house and go for a walk around the surroundings of my house.

I take a bus to Roderick's house but I hesitate and don't knock on the door to talk to him.

So I take the bus to Venice beach to walk over the bridge of the canal.

I see couples going on the gondolas and I remember about me and Sam, and about me and Roderick.

I remember the Bow bridge at Central Park in New York.

One of the places I visited a lot. I never went to the bridge but I watched it from distance.

Bridges were built to connect two different places. But they connect people too.

Think about it when you start climbing the bridge either alone or with company.

When you get to the end of it you connected with yourself or with the other person.

You both crossover a path that joins you.

I think about everything that ever happened to me from what my mind allows me to.

And I don't remember a lot of great times. Times where I truly laughed nonstop.

Times without crying or faking a smile. I've been put through a lot.

They say that it's given to us certain battles because we're capable of winning them.

But winning a lot of battles makes a winner or a loser?!

Because I've been battling since high school and I did win my battles in a manner of speaking.

But I didn't win anything out of it. So am I really a winner or a loser?

I'm thinking of not going to New York.

I'm getting better now and for much that I agree that we shouldn't give up about our dreams.

There are dreams that aren't meant to be. And this time I accept it and I will move on.

With something better, well not something. Someone.

I will move on with Roderick.

California, 8th May 2017

Today is the day of leaving to New York. I'm still torn in going or not.

But Jackie already bought the tickets and we already packed our bags.

We are leaving in two hours but we're already heading to the train station.

Roderick assured me that he would to be there to say goodbye. I hope he keeps his word.

I feel awful. I was fooled by him but I have forgiven him.

And now I'm leaving him.

Now that his mother has accepted his sexual orientation, now that she accepted me.

And now that we are dating. This is the worst thing you can do to a person.

And I will live with this all my life.

My chest is aching, like it's burning so much that I can't breathe.

And I want to cry but this time the tears don't seem to fall from my eyes.

Jacqueline – Are you ready?

Jordan (in a monotone voice) – Yes.

Jacqueline - It's going to be terrific.

I don't answer her. I get cold when I'm hurt.

I can turn into a frosty bitch. Trust me.

We arrive to the train station and we both grab our trolleys.

Jackie pays the cab driver and we enter.

Heading to the train platform. I just feel like crying.

My heart is pumping so hard it seems like it's going to jump out of my rib through my mouth.

When we get to the train platform, Roderick is already there sitting bored and sad.

Jordan – Rody you made it. How are you?

Roderick (faking happinesss) – Good as always. What about you?

Jordan – I'm awful.

Jordan (to Jacqueline) – Jackie could you give us a little time alone.

Jacqueline – Sure. I will check if the time of our trip is correct.

Jackie leaves us alone.

Here starts the heartbreaking process of saying goodbye.

Roderick - Don't go. I love you so much.

Roderick – You can have a happy life without being an actor.

Roderick – You're talented at pretty much everything. Please don't leave me here alone.

Jordan - You're not alone. You have your mother and your father.

Jordan –You have a good career as a librarian.

Roderick – It's not the same. You know it isn't. Please stay.

Jordan – I want to. But what if I stay I settle for something I'm not passionate about.

Roderick – You know what you should think less about the "what ifs".

Jacqueline – Jordan, our train is arriving in three minutes.

Jordan – Already?!

Jacqueline – Yes, I got two seats in an earlier trip.

Jordan (furious) – Right. How nice!

We start to prepare for when the train arrives to enter and store our luggages.

Roderick is trying to hold back the tears.

The train arrives and with it an intense ache slays my chest.

I'm being ripped off by the imense sadness of leaving Roderick.

The train stops so we all can board on it. A line starts and people start entering one at the time.

Until it remains me and Jackie. Jackie boards before me.

I'm the last one. How great.

My back is facing the train open door and I'm about to say goodbye to Roderick.

Jordan - I guess this is it.

Roderick (crying) – Yeah. Bye Jordan.

Roderick (crying) – Have a good time in New York and please don't forget me.

Jordan (crying) – I won't. Please hug me. I want to feel your touch one last time.

Roderick (crying) – Sure.

We hug and cry and whisper at each other. Promises of love, of friendship, of kindness.

Roderick (crying) – Go, the doors are about to close.

Jordan (grabbing Roderick's hand) – Bye Rody.

Roderick (crying) – Bye Jordan.

Our hands fall apart as I enter the train.

I seat next to Jackie and she hands me a kleenex to clean my eyes.

Jacqueline – It's going to be alright. The pain doesn't last for too much time.

Roderick (still crying) – I hope so.

The train starts to move and we are heading to New York.

I can see Roderick and he is walking as fast as the train is moving.

Something in my heart knots and sends a message to my brain telling me that I belong with him.

So I get up my seat and run to the train driver and tell him to open up the doors.

Jordan (crying) - Please sir, open the doors I don't want to go to New York.

Jordan - I'm so sorry for the inconvenience but please let me leave this train.

Train driver – I can't. You already pay your ticket. And I have schedules to follow.

Jordan (crying) – I know but I really can't go to New York.

Jordan – This is not what I should be doing.

Jordan – I never realized I had everything I need here in Los Angeles.

Train driver - I'm really sorry for you but I can't.

Jordan (crying) – Please sir.

Jordan (begging) If you had someone waiting for you with open arms in one place would you want to move to another place?

Train driver – No I wouldn't.

Jordan (crying) – So help me not doing that.

Train driver – But that's something you should have thought long before getting on board.

Jordan (crying) – I know but I was manipulated by my sister.

Train driver - You know what. I'll let you get out.

Train driver – Go after love, kid. I will open the doors.

Jordan (smiling) – Really?!

Train driver – Yeah. Go on.

Jordan (smiling) – Thank you so much. You don't know how much that means to me.

I run happily to where I was sitting and grab my trolley.

Jacqueline – Where are you going?!

Jordan – Nowhere Jackie. I'm staying in Los Angeles.

Jacqueline – You can't! I bought you a ticket to New York.

Jordan – Here's the money.

Jordan – Go after your selfish, artificial desire alone. I have real love here.

Jacqueline – You can't let me go to New York alone.

Jordan – Watch me!

I get out of the train and hug Roderick.

Roderick – What are you doing?!

Jordan – I realized that you were right all along.

Jordan – I have you and that's all that I need.

Jordan – "A career is wonderful but you can't curl up with it on a cold night."

Roderick – So you're staying here?!

Jordan – Forever. With you.

Roderick – That's amazing.

Roderick hugs me tightly and lifts me up of the ground.

He is really happy. Then he puts me on the ground.

Jordan – Look at that fucking train, going to the damned bit apple.

Roderick – Look at your sister. She's flipping out. She is trying to get out.

Jordan – She won't. I assured that the train driver wouldn't let anyone else out.

Jordan – Well it was really hard for me to get out so she will not have the same luck.

Roderick – I'm so happy that you chose the right thing to do.

Jordan – I am too. Now let's go home.

Roderick – No! Let's go watch a movie.

Jordan – Sounds good to me.