California, April 29th 2017

I arrive at home and I'm completely devastated again.

When I thought I would be happy, someone came and wreck me again.

Tears start to run from my eyes.

I'm crying, you know those cryings where there's no sound, where you're struggling to inhale the air.

Being so consumed by the sadness that comes from my eyes.

My eyes are watering, I'm crying a lot, I guess I will flood my house.

My crying could be compared to Niagara Falls.

I'm remembering every moment I had with Sam. How I met him, our valentine's day, our date, his graduation, our breakup.

My mind is making me realize that I was wrong and I was sick. I had a green disease.

You're probably asking what is a green disease. I would like for you to get your interpretation but I can't.

I always have this need to explain myself. Sometimes I can't though.

A green disease is being obsessed with fame, money, luxury. Greed.

The color green symbolizes greed and envy. I was envy of all those students who succeed at plays and I didn't.

I was greedy because I was so blind in my search for success, for being famous and having my name in every place of the world.

"One day you'll realize you lost the Moon by counting the stars".

I was in such a hurry to get what I wanted that I didn't realize I was losing what I needed.

Sometimes careers or other superficial things aren't that great when a person is the best you can have by your side.

You just have to be lucky to have the right person next to you.

And those types of people you met few times in your lifetime.

And not all of them are meant to be in your life forever and that is sad.

By the time I stop thinking about Sam, my shirt is soaked. I'm not exaggerating.

Now I have to sit, eat and think more. Think about what Ansel offered me and what should I do about it.

I have so many unfinished businesses. Sam, Ansel and Roderick.

Funny how I was raised by a single mother who didn't want to be defined by men.

And look I turned out to be the other way. Not my entire life, but since NYU, my life has been defined by men.

I can't be one without having someone in my life either to love me or to wreck me.

I always attract people. I'm not being cocky.

But I can't go anywhere without anyone, well mostly men, flirting with me or being "too kind".

I started to prepare my dinner. Yes you guessed right. It is pasta.

Don't blame me. Pasta is just so good. I guess my father was italian.

Wow this was the first time in a while that I thought about my father.

See?! Another man who didn't defined my life but still did. He did just by being absent.

People have this theory that children need a father and a mother to have a "normal" life.

I don't agree with that. I do believe that children need a male role model and a female role model.

But it doesn't have to be with them being your parents. It can be an aunt and an uncle.

A grandmother or a grandfather.

We have this duality of feminity and masculinity.

And for them to function they need to be triggered by male and female role models.

We're made out of dualities. Male and female, good and bad.

I read all of this in the Kabbalah book. I have to give a few more reads at it.

I glanced at a chapter that is about the importance of people in our lives.

That chapter is the one who will help me with all this stuff that is happening in my life.

But for now I will go to bed. Another work day awaits for me.

Los Angeles, 30th April 2017

My alarm wakes me with a "soft sound".

I wake up and decided to sit for a bit on the edge of my bed.

I think about Roderick. I should give him a chance.

What he did to me wasn't right but Kabbalah teaches us to forgive and give someone a chance.

I have to be the bigger person.

I stretch my back, my arms and my legs and they crack.

I like the sound of bones cracking. It's so soothing.

It doesn't make me cringe, actually I believe if I don't crack my bones, they will be stuck.

It's like cracking bones gives the joints the power to bend.

Now that I sat for a bit in my bed, it's time to take a shower and eat.

I go to my chest of drawers and get one towel, a yellow one.

It's really big. My mom liked big towels.

She told me, Jordan you're never fully dried if you don't use a big towel.

I never understood how a size of a towel could determine the capacity of getting dry.

I think it was more about the towel being so big that could cover your entire body.

So you wouldn't be naked in front of someone.

She didn't like to be vulnerable and she also told me, along with a lot of other things.

That being naked is the most vulnerable you'll ever get.

I go to my bathroom and open the water, I have to wait for it to get hot.

I mean to the point of almost burning your skin.

I like hot water, I can't stand cold water neither warm water.

My mother always asked me why would I bath myself with hot water.

I'd tell her I was preparing myself for the day when I would go hell.

She of course didn't liked my response.

She wasn't religious but she just didn't enjoy my wicked sense of humour.

Now that the water is "caliente" I go and take a shower.

I like spanish it's such a sexy language. There's so much sultry in the way the words are pronounced.

Spanish and italian are sexy languages. I bath myself with my favorite honey shower gel.

I like the honey aroma that stays on my skin for hours.

While I'm taking my shower, my phone rings.

What a great time for my phone to ring.

I always find it "funny" that my smartphone sometimes rings when I can't answer it.

I don't care who is calling. If it is important than that person will insist in calling me again.

I dry my skin with my big towel and I let it embrace my entire body and go to my bedroom to get dressed.

The phone rings again.

While I'm putting my boxer briefs on, I reach to my smartphone and I look to the screen and it's Roderick.

Great!! What a way to start the day.

Jordan (on the phone) – Good morning Roderick. How are you?

Jordan (on the phone) – I'm glad to hear that. I'm good as well, thank you.

Jordan (on the phone) – Yes, I'm still in Cali and I would like for us to talk.

Jordan (on the phone) – Could it be after 5 p.m.?! I'm working at Starbucks and that's when I go home.

Jordan (on the phone) – Yes, why?! Why are you so surprised?

Jordan (on the phone) – Do you think I'm not suiting to work at Starbucks?!

Jordan (on the phone) – Sorry I'm still learning to not be so defensive.

Jordan (on the phone) – Sure you're right. Okay.

Jordan (on the phone) – So you can come at my home after 5 p.m.

Jordan (on the phone) – See you later.

I hung up the call and a suprising stupid smile starts to grow on my face.

I'm happy that Roderick thought about me. So now I just have to give him a chance and hear all of what he has to say.

I don't have to accept everything he says but I have to try to see things through his perspective.

You know, to change your mind about someone else.

So I rush my breakfast and I take the subway to Starbucks.

Here's another day, a lot of years to go.

I will work at Starbucks forever. Well nothing is forever but death.

But as long as Ansel keeps me there, I will work there.

I arrive at Starbucks already full of costumers.

William smiles at me. Margot is by his side.

I smile at her and she smiles back at me. She's my beacon in here.

She has the brightest smile I've ever seen. And that soothes me, makes me safer.

I go to the employees room to change my clothes and dress the Starbucks apron and such.

I compose myself, give an inner pep talk to myself and open the door to start working.

As I open the door I run into Ansel.

Great, ruin the reputation that you're trying to build Jordan.

Your boss is going to be really proud of that.

Jordan – I'm so sorry Ansel.

Ansel – It's alright. It was my fault.

Ansel – I was the one who was lurking behind the door.

Jordan – Still I have to apologize.

Jordan – Did I hurt you?

Ansel – I don't stutter or repeat myself.

Jordan – Are you quoting me?

Ansel – Maybe.

Jordan – Okay. Even though that was cute, I have to go away.

Jordan – The store is full of costumers.

Ansel – You may go.

I smile while confused about what happened.

Finally I'll work alongside with Margot. I have so much to thank her.

I arrive at the counter and there's William and Margot.

They're the employees of the morning to afternoon, the night ones I didn't have time to get to know them.

Jordan – Good morning William.

William – Good morning Jordan.

Jordan – Good morning Margot.

Margot – Good morning Jordan. How are you?

Jordan – I'm good thank you. I also want to thank you for getting me a job in here.

Margot – Oh I didn't get you the job.

Margot – You did.

Margot – I just helped by referring you to the manager. He's quite a charming person.

Jordan – Tell me about it.

An impatient woman comes near Jordan. She looks likes she's in a hurry to have a drink.

Costumer (to Jordan)– Señor could you serve me please.

Costumer (to Jordan) – You're wasting my time. No me gusta.

Jordan – Sure, come near me.

Jordan – Buenos días how can I help you?

Costumer – Oh you speak spanish.

Jordan – Just the basic. I had spanish classes in high school.

Costumer – Okay.

Costume – Bien, I would like a Grande Caramel Frappuccino.

Jordan – Sure thing.

I prepare the drink the spanish costumer asked for and then I proceed to serve other costumers.

After a few costumers, I hear a familiar voice in the line to the counter.

As the line gets shorter, the familiar voice comes near me. It's Sam.

Jordan – Sam?!

Sam – It's me. How are you?

Jordan – I'm great. How are you?

Sam – I'm great as well.

Sam – So what would you suggest me to drink?

Jordan – Well, it depends if you want a cold drink or a hot one.

Sam – Well I need a hot one so I can keep on being hot.

Jordan – That was corny.

Sam – But you found it funny.

Jordan – Well... anyways, I would suggest a Latte Macchiato.

Sam – Okay, then a Latte Macchiato will be.

Sam – So you're working for my cousin?

Jordan – Yes.

Jordan – I didn't know it at first, he told me in some odd circumstances.

Sam – Tell me about it.

Jordan – Come closer.

Sam – Okay.

Jordan (whispering) – He asked me to be his luxury escort.

Sam – Did you accept it?

Jordan – Of course not. I'm not that kind of guy.

Sam – He was always a dipshit. He treats guys like objects. He adores to show off.

Jordan (whispering) – When I refused. He was shocked because he thought that actors were sex freaks.

Sam – He is really awful.

Jordan (whispering) – And then said that he knew about our date at Sardi's.

Sam – Well that was a bit of my fault too. I told him about you but it wasn't in a bad way.

Sam – You know when you're happy with someone you share that with your family.

Jordan – Sure I understand. Would you like to come to my house after 5 p.m.?

Jordan – Your cousin is keeping an eye on me. And by that I mean, he's always following me.

Sam – After all of our talk you haven't asked what I am doing here.

Jordan – But I thought about it. So what are you doing here?

Sam – I came to tell you that you should quit this job, get a train to New York.

Sam – Apply to NYU and get your degree in Dramatic Arts.

Jordan – No. That was my past.

Jordan – Don't you remember where that lead me to?!

Jordan – Dropping out of college, breaking up with you, injuring myself and getting into a coma.

Jordan – I can't go back to that place, to that environment.

Sam – I know, but you learned with your mistakes and this time it will be better.

Jordan – No, I don't think so.

Sam – Why? Is this what you want to do for the rest of your life?

Sam – You're an amazing actor and a terrific singer.

Jordan – Thank you but I can't. I fear that I will get blind for fame again.

Jordan – And I'm studying a philosophy that teaches me to get away from superficial things.

Sam – So apply it to this. Acting doesn't have to be superficial.

Sam – You can be an actor that isn't that famous but still a great one.

Sam – Being an actor and being a celebrity are two different things.

Jordan – I will think about.

Sam – You have one day to think about it. I bought you a one way ticket to New York.

Jordan – Why would you do that? You don't know if I decline that and don't get in the train.

Sam – I know you won't decline it.

Sam – How much is the Latte Macchiato?

Jordan –It's 3,75 dollars please.

Sam – Here's 10 dollars keep the change.

Jordan – Thank you.

Sam – Sadly I'm going to New York now so I can't go to your house.

Jordan – That's unfortunate.

Sam – I'll see you in New York!

Jordan (torn) – We'll see.