Emily's first near sexual encounter was with a twenty something year old course mate who she would have found attractive if not for the one and a half feet height difference between her head and his shoulders.

Granted, he had all the standard requirements for the verb handsome; a symmetrical face, a nice growing moustache, sharp inquisitive eyes under thick eyebrows and a bashful smile. Emily had never ever pictured them together, even for a split second. This was mainly due to the fact that he had a girlfriend, a girlier girl who was as short as him with a larger hip size than her.

Yet, there she were, registering the well trimmed middle finger inside her vagina, mouth wide open gasping for air out of surprise like she was at the moment. She had enjoyed that fact that the deed made her feel grown and mature; her vagina was being penetrated by something other than a HB pencil.

Emily had gotten used to the act by now, knew the right angles and when to halt the depth, knew when the pacing was off and when the pressure was a little bit too much. Joseph seemed to have none of this mastered.

Emily understood that Joseph wasn't all that. Aside from his height, a criteria in which Emily was a harsh critic, Joseph was as plain as they come. Sure, his eyes were a little bit drawing but that was it. At the end of the day, he was just a boy and Emily needed to be touched.
  
 
Emily shut her eyes and pictured being under someone else. Mr. Sam Greene with his powerful sultry gaze. How he was able to dominate her and make her do anything nasty. Something Joseph was clearly failing at. His touch was too gentle. He worked his hands as if he was working a wet ceramic sculpture. Emily needed urgency and desire. She pulled back and slid off his laps.
 

Joseph sat upright and tried to hide his crotch area. "Is everything okay?" He was flushed and trying to control his rugged breath from the heavy make out session.

"Yeah," Emily lied. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I donno." Joseph shrugged. "Was it–"

"I came." Another lie. Joseph beamed. Emily bit her lip. "Can you hotspot me?" Emily felt the bench surface for her phone. Joseph nodded and got his own smartphone from the depths of his trousers.

Once she was connected to the internet, Emily opened a shopping app and began searching for toys. Once she had found what she liked, she took a screenshot and send it to Mr. Greene. Beside her, Joseph chewed on the crisps Emily had carried from the house as he scrolled mindlessly on TikTok.
 
To Emily's relief, there was no second sighting of a ghostly figure.

***

The next couple of weeks for Emily were stressful and full of thick, white smoke. Her midterm exams had begun and Emily was struggling to create the perfect timetable to study for her units. In the end, she would end up cramming for her tests last minute and betting on her brain to retain the vast information. Compared to her last month, Emily felt an improvement. If anything, it was only a distraction from the current world. She was either studying, thinking of studying and not have the motivation to do so or staring at the screen of her laptop to seem busy in her aunt's eyes.

This left Jordan and Officer Burns dealing with her work anxiety and paranoia. Ever since the death of a worker in the textile factory she worked in, Mrs. Stuart had wavered on her daily work streak. Officer Burns was forced to escort her every other day in his work vehicle and pick her up sometime in the evening. To make his schedule flexible, Officer Burns had sometimes spent the night. Most of those times, Emily was too high to care.
 

It was one Sunday evening when she was digging into the cookie jar to satisfy her munchies when her aunt walked into the kitchen space. She was back from a date with the short man. Officer Burns had made a beehive for the living room to turn on a sports channel. It was almost like a routine.

"I got a call today." Mrs. Stuart released her curls from their ponytail. They sat stiff, defying gravity but a relief from the tightness. "The Seminarian is concerned, you haven't been going to your meetings." Ever since the anniversary, Emily had figured that she didn't need to go back there. According to Emily, she was doing quite okay.

"I got better." Emily bit into half of a cookie. The crumbs sprayed allover her grey sweatshirt and kitchen floor.

"You can't just feel better and stop going to therapy." Mrs. Stuart argued. Emily scoffed.

"I thought it was supposed to make me better."

"I know–"

"And it did. I'm better. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"It's not what I want Emily." Mrs. Stuart sighed. "Don't you want better for yourself?"

"Fuck's sake." Emily cursed under her breath. She didn't think there was much of a change since the traumatic incident. Maybe just the weed. "I have a lot of school work to do."

"Emily I'm concerned." Mrs. Stuart reached for her arm. Emily stepped back and pretended to get a glass of water. "I've thought about this a lot." Mrs. Stuart searched Emily's face. "You've been acting weird lately."

"How weird?" Emily sniffed the air around her. Did her aunt know she was turning into a weed chimney?

"Violent outbursts, random screams, and you've gotten very irritable..." Mrs. Stuart's voice was filled with concern. The last time Emily had screamed out loud, which was on Tuesday night, was because she couldn't get content inside her brain for the next day's exam. It was simply frustration.

"Maybe that's just who I was then my family died and gave me this new personality, but hey," Emily smiled. "I'm better." She gave her aunt an air kiss and walked towards the kitchen exit.

"I got you a new therapist." Mrs. Stuart blurted. Emily stopped in her tracks. She glanced down at her plate full of cookies. She would need some milk with that. "An actual therapist, her name is Dr. Melinda and I'm paying a lot of money for this so you better not miss a single session." Emily placed the ceramic plate on a kitchen counter and grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge.

"Splendid." Emily spoke to herself. Her mouth was already watering.

"Oh." Mrs. Stuart gasped in surprise. She expected a struggle. "Well you'll see her twice a week. I had a card with her office." Mrs. Stuart felt her pockets. She couldn't find it. "We'll go together and work out a visit schedule tomorrow."

Emily nodded and walked out of the door. She couldn't wait to dig in into her snack.

***

It was at around mid day the next day that Emily realized what she had unwillingly agreed to. She was done with her morning paper and Mrs. Stuart wasn't at work like she had expected. Emily hoped with all her might that Eddie hadn't dropped by yet.

"How was it?" Mrs. Stuart asked as Emily kicked off a pair of black dusty Converse shoes.

"How was what?" Emily asked standing up.

"The exam."

"Oh," Emily paused. "It was alright." She lied. For the first time in her life, Emily had struggled in an exam room. The urge to cheat had compelled her for half the time while the remainder was left on her filling in what she knew and guessing to fill the rest of the blank spaces.

"Did you have tea this morning?"

"Yeah." Emily responded. Her eyes twitched in restlessness.

"Oh good. We have to see Dr. Melinda today before someone else fills her schedule." Mrs. Stuart dried her hands on her blue apron and walked to the living room to retrieve her phone. "Are you changing?" Emily did a sweep over her outfit and shrugged. Her leather skirt was a little bit short but she liked it.

"Dr. Melinda?" Emily chose to divert the concern on her dressing.

"We talked about it yesterday." Mrs. Stuart hollered from the living room. Emily walked to the kitchen to grab a snack. There were no any cookies left, even the crumbs. Emily grabbed a blemished banana from the fruit basket and joined her aunt in the living room. She did not remember having a discussion with her aunt. "Your new therapist." Mrs. Stuart informed her.

"I got a new therapist?" Mrs. Stuart nodded.

"Officer Burns recommended her." Emily rolled her eyes at the statement. "And we talked about this and you agreed to it."

"Did I?" Emily sat on top of a sofa armrest and crossed her legs. These past few days were a blur to her. She couldn't mention a single substantial thing that she did or happened.

"Yes." Mrs. Stuart made a call to the lady. Emily chewed on a piece of banana inside her mouth until it was mush. "Give me about ten minutes then we leave, alright?" A gentle knock at their household followed her words.

"Got it!" Emily shot up from the seat and rushed to the hallway to answer the door. True to her suspicions, Eddie stood by the doorstep, same smug as always.

"At this rate you're turning into my number one customer." Eddie informed her as he obtained a clear plastic bag from his backpack.

"Then I better get a discount." Emily inspected the rolls in the pack with a pinch. She would need more than ten minutes to smoke a full roll. Besides, she hated smoking under pressure. "Actually, do you have edibles?"

***

"This is Emily." Dr. Melinda spoke up with enthusiasm. "How are you Emily?" Emily watched the doctor walk from the back of her desk to where she stood. Her aunt sat on one of the chairs at the desk, smiling at her.

Dr. Melinda took her by her left arm and guided her to a comfortable leather couch. Emily smiled as she melted into the fabric. The doctor said something else to which Emily chuckled. Emily felt so happy. In her head, she reckoned that lying on a couch that floated on a gentle river was a wonderful experience. Mrs. Stuart said her goodbyes and left Emily some bus money.

"Let's start by introducing ourselves." Dr. Melinda began. She was poised across Emily in a single arm chair. "I'm Dr. Melinda, a therapist by profession." Dr. Melinda laughed lightly. "I've been practicing for nineteen years."

"That's almost my age." Emily whispered. Her couch made a tiny dive across a waterfall.

"And you are?"

"Honestly, I don't know." Emily blinked twice and refocused on the room. It was spacious and bright, with a few succulents positioned on the window facing the sun and one on her desk behind them. Emily thought the desk succulent felt rather lonely.

"What do you mean by that?" Dr. Melinda asked. "You don't know who you are?"

"Well do you?"

Dr. Melinda chuckled. "Well I'm a therapist."

"And?"

"I'm a woman, a mother..." Dr Melinda trailed.

"Not that." Emily cut her off. "If I decide to be a mother today I'll be a mother, it doesn't mean anything. It's just a space you choose to occupy. If I kill your children today you won't be a mother anymore because the space will be empty. So that doesn't count."

"Alright then, what do you think you are Emily?"

"I don't know." Emily sighed. "I'm just a collection of personalities and qualities from borrowed people, who sought out inspiration from other people, people who copied other people... It just never ends. I'm just a reflection of what I can't comprehend."

"That's very interesting Emily."

"No." Emily objected. "I think it's rather sad. I lost myself and I can't find her."

"You say myself yet you argue you're not yourself."

"Myself is here," Emily pointed to her right. "And I I'm there." Emily shut her eyes and leaned back on the couch. "In here, none of the two identities are present. It's stolen, someone stole me."

Dr. Melinda took a long pause as she scribbled writings inside her yellow leather bound notebook. She studied Emily in silence.

"The succulent is lonely." Emily whispered.

"What?"

"She needs to be with her friends by the window." Emily expounded.
 
 
"Emily," Dr. Melinda called out for her. Emily peeked open her left eye. The world was too vibrant for two eyeballs. "Are you on drugs right now?" Inside her brain, all of Emily's thoughts halted. Her mind was empty.

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