Chapter 46 - Early Grads, Fine Lines, & Nose Twitching

After that I walked out.

I looked at him and couldn't do it anymore.

Sure, that hurt more than anything I've ever felt, but I'm fine now.

It's only been two weeks, two weeks of me not going to school. Two weeks of me sitting at my old, abandoned, cold house and just walking through everything, seeing the blood stains and the empty rooms will all the furniture my mom has taken.

I was allowed to skip school since I was already marked as an early grad who didn't need to learn the rest of the stuff.

I'm graduating today.

And I'll have to face Kingston.

I've gotten tests from him over and over. If you wanted to know some they mostly consisted of the following:

Kingshit: please comeback, I'll give you all the proof you want.
Kingshit: I'll show you
Kingshit: Goddamnit where are you, Baby?
Kingshit: I love you
Kingshit: You're coming back... right?
Kingshit: I can't have that be the last time you see me, Darling.
Kingshit: please
Kingshit: I know I'll see you again we belong together
Kingshit: God everybody is asking me questions and shit, you were all I had left, Summer. I'm living with River until early graduation and I'm hoping you'll comeback.
Kingshit: I know you don't want me to find you or else I would come swoop you up and make you happy
Kingshit: I know it now... I have proof
Kingshit: I have it! I have it... please!

And that's basically most of them.

He sent me that he had proof yesterday... but I don't know if I want to see it.

I liked having the idea that he loved me at first, and the I hated the idea that it was all fake, but now what if the proof he has shows he was in love then but not now.

What if I was too damn selfish.

I look at myself, the gown and cap I'm wearing.

"How did I make it here?" I whisper to myself.

"Yourself." I hear the familiar, small feminine voice say from behind me as she comes into view in the mirror.

"Miah..." I say slowly as she walks I got the dark room. She leans in and hugs me, "I'm so sorry hun." She mumbles and I nod.

"You're the only one who didn't know or do something completely stupid." I say with a chuckle and shake nods. "Kinda my strong suit, I just stay next to Reid and keep quiet." She says and I nod.

"You're coming to graduation with me right?" I ask and she nods, "of course honey, I wouldn't miss it and I couldn't miss Kingston's speech."

Fuck.

Not only is Kingston gonna be there but he's gonna give a speech on how he's going to the next best school of some crap.

I got into NYU... and so did he.

I'll see him walking around campus and I'll remember what he did. Every. Single. Time.

I take Mel's hand as she drags me to her car, a McDonald's bag sits on my seat, full of greasy food that I genuinely love.

I smile at her as she begins driving and I eat fries, occasionally handing her one. But I don't live far away from the school. Not far at all.

So all I have to do is eat a few fries, I don't even  have enough time to eat them with ketchup, and then I'm there.....

I look up at Mel, midway through chewing on a fry, my heart pounding as she nods.

"Remember. You're not alone." She says and I nod. Licking my lips and gulping down the fry.

I know what she meant, that if I end up having a panic attack and thinking the walls are closing in on me when I see his face again to remember that she's there and she'll help me.

That maybe not everybody hates me and they'll help.

But deep down I know that if she's all I could keep—That if I lost Rain, Lilah, Melanie, Reid, River,.... and my own boyfriend just by being me— then I was alone. I was right thinking I'm just on a cycle of being happy.

Here's another three year fall.

I grab a few to-go before exiting the car and walking towards the school. People taking photos all around with their families and friends.

Miah grabs her phone and takes a quick, non-embarrassing photo of us with her arm around me, and then we walk in.

I check in with my principal and that's it.. she has to leave to the outside in the bleachers and wait for us to walk out with that stupid graduation music.

I walk in to the room where early-grads funnel in, and since there are only about 1,000 kids from my giant school who are doing early graduation we go into the gym before we walk out and we can have that graduation moment.

I walk in, staring at the ground so I can't see Kingston and the people that will ask questions over and over like "where were you?" And things like that.

I sit down at the top of the bleachers in the gym, hearing the screams of people around the gym as I wrong my hands.

I just want this to be over.

I don't really hear the speech that the principal makes or the kids screaming  and shouting anymore as it all goes in one ear and out the other.

I'm not complaining honestly... of course I'd not want to hear the screams.

But maybe once I'd like to hear something.

Somebody saying something that matters.

We walk in our single file line out of the gym, Kingston only a few people in front of me since our last names are so close. He's looking around frantically for something... probably Melanie in the crowd... so I keep my head down and focus on the music.

Kingston told me whenever I was in pain at the hospital that I should I focus on the music he would put in my ears.

Whether it was his voice or another's.

And just once I'll listen to him again.

I sit down, my ears tuning back in as I look up. I see the few people in front of me and wish that I had a different last name as everybody is silent.

Then I hear the whisper. "Summer!" Kingston whispers and I shock my head at him, furrowed eyebrows as I shake my head. He's not ruining this for me more than he already has.

I'm not gonna mood anymore because fuck I'm used to a bad life and I won't cry anymore because there was a little slip up and oopsies I'm so hot that my assassin fell in love with me and now I'm not dead.

Rule seven-hundred-twenty-eight of being a girl.

DONT MOPE BE HAPPY YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
A/N (And for those who will get it UNUS ANNUS!!! It's a YouTube joke also Ethan is kinda hot. You can't change my mind. Alright I'll stop geeking out but time is almost up ;)

I make my back straight and fix my hair, fix my cap, and flatten out my purple and white gown. I hear his whispers again but people shush him, and as before... as he did in class during our project what feels like it was so long ago... his leg bounces up and down.

Over and over.

Over and over.

Over and over again.

As our principal makes the same speech he said to us to parents and for me to friends, I'm prepared.

He calls people up, one name at a time and it's slowly more ominous and more ominous.

Then it gets to Kingston.

"And early on in our caroming we have on of our most successful students ever in Denmore history! He has a 4.2 GPA from having A+ in his classes, he has 23 and a quarters hours of community service, and he was one of our star Basketball and Football players, even achieving the title of quarterback! Welcome to the stage Kingston Brag, everybody!" My principal excitedly cheers as he slowly gets up, waving to people who cheer for him as I watch him walk up to the stage.

He turns his head towards me and gives me a small smile, his hair peaking out from under his graduation cap and flowing onto his forehead.

He looks forward again and travels onto the makeshift stage they set up for this event, the principal smiling proudly, almost like a father when his son does something incredible or achieves his biggest dreams.

He grabs his diploma and shakes their hand before going up to the little podium and smiling. "Hello, everybody..." he says, his voice rough but smooth as girls fall from their high horses and bend at their own will for him.

"As you just heard I'm Kingston Brag..." he says, looking down at his hands and biting his lip. "But if you didn't know me already that would be silly..." he says conceitedly, but his voice isn't showing that.

"Because to most, if not all of you, I wasn't what our wonderful principal just said about me. I wasn't that perfect student, I mean wow I wasn't even near it. There are so many more people that should be up here instead of me... people who whether it was me or somebody else, got opportunities like this taken away from them. So I'm gonna do it for them."

"We're nowhere near the end of this ceremony and people in these crowds are on their phones bored. I'm not gonna be one of those people who say some crap about phones because they're a great invention, but what I will say is that they have no love for the people around them.. no respect to watch the entire thing because it doesn't matter to them but this is somebody else's moment. And when you dig deeper into that did you even think that? Did anybody stop to think.. to look at their hands and look at other people and think wow... they're just like me. They're a human. They're a brain. They have that little voice in their head saying all of their thoughts... thinking of it now is that your voice or somebody else's? Because you can never really hear it, can you? It's not a sound. In fact.... it's not real. We are all in our heads thinking only about us. This graduation year, or maybe just me, we didn't really think about that."

"I know this is early graduation and most of these students are amazing and are going to go so many places... but this still applies to some of us. Whether you're in the crowd or not. So in these last few weeks of school I put out a little box in every classroom that asked people to anonymously—or not— write something down that's happening in their life that nobody else knew. To put it in perspective I read over a hundred notes saying that they were gay, a lesbian, or anything else that's apart of the LGBT community. I read another hundred, some in the same handwriting, saying that they had attempted suicide or self harm. I read another hundred saying their parents were divorced or abusive in anyway shape or form. So let me ask you all a question to ponder over when you don't see the people from your high school ever again, how many more hundreds does it take for you to stop thinking about yourselves?"

It took a moment of his speech to realize its origin.

Why can nobody notice that so many things are going on under the surface of somebody?

Or...

Why can nobody notice—or not try to notice— enough to see that Summer was hurting. That so many other people were hurting.

And slowly another hand gets raised.

"Let me ask you a question?" I guy asks, and his terrible voice makes it clear to me that he is one of the dipshit football players that somehow got into early grad.

"What?" Kingston asks, people's clapping and cheering dying down as Kingston gathers his stuff up to leave.

"How many hundreds does it take for you to tell the school what happened with the no-face girl!?" He screams and Kingston's nose twitches as he looks at me. His leg bouncing up and down.

"I'm in love with her." He says. Moving his head around the crowd, "anymore questions?"

"How can you love her?" A voice screams.

"Do you really need me to fucking redo my entire speech about things going on under the surface you jackass-" then he gets pushed away from the mic.

My heart pounds as he walks down the steps and fo the side of the stage where he stands with the others whose names have already been called.

People are speechless.

"Okay... I think Kingston needs to talk a little bit about the voices in our heads telling us when saying certain things are appropriate, I do not blame him for his outburst you know teen love?" He jokes with a little narcissistic chuckle.

Then the name gets to me, my heart beating and my palms sweating.

"Cynthia! Summer Cynthia!" He calls and people stare. They never knew my name.

I get up, my legs shaking as I wobbly walk towards the front.

Remember, you're not alone.

I get up, grabbing my diploma and shaking his hand.

"Boo!" A girl yells.

"Boo!"  Another yells.

Oopsadoodles I done-diddly-darnit made their crush fall in love with me! Oopsies!

"No wait! Stop booing!" The principal calls and I look towards the steps, not moving as the principal pushes me along.

I rush off the stage, booing taking over my ears as I stomp down the steps, staring at the ground and wanting to run out of the field.

But two arms grabs my waist and beat me too it. He picks me up  and I smell his cologne, knowing it's him as I growl, but he's helping.

He runs me away from the crowd. The bleachers. The chairs and the crowd of boos.

And next thing I know I'm in the alleyway next to the school. Graffiti is on the walls and nobody to be seen, just darkness either way.

"Summer..." Kingston says and tears flow from my eyes, even if I said I want gonna cry.

"I miss you..." he says slowly and I swallow as he pets the back of my head, cooing me.

"I wish it was all back to normal, Kingston. I wish you didn't make whatever deal and I wish we could I just... not meet. Then I wouldn't be in love."

"Do you still love me?"

I can't answer. I know it. I know I do. But I can't give him that.

"I don't know." I mumble and he grabs my face and presses his lips to mine. I kiss him back. I just want to do it one mode time.

He leans his forehead against mine as his large hands grip my waist and make soft soothing circles on my skin through my gown.

"Did you feel that?" He asks and I just let a tear slip from my cheek. "Please say yes..." he says and I can't say anything.

"Please..." he says, his shaky breath making the pain in his voice shine through.

I can't give it to him though. I can't.

He pulls back and sighs shakily. His leg is shaking and his nose is twitching... and his eyes are watering.

"Fine you don't have to love me anymore. Maybe you never fucking did-" he says but I stop him. His hand goes up and wipes the tears that slipped from his eyes quickly.

"You can say anything about me. I don't fucking care anymore and I won't let anybody's words hurt me. But you cannot say that I never loved you. Just because I can't give you the satisfaction of knowing that I still do doesn't mean you can take that right away from me. I don't care for whatever reason it was i just need to hold onto the fact that I was loved even if we were dancing on a fine line of a rope above a pit of sharks." I say and his nose stopped twitching, something that happens when he's angry, but his leg is still going at it.

Something I never learned why he did.