Dear A,

I messed up.  I am so pathetic.

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Dear A,

Forgive me? No, I don't deserve that.

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Dearest A,

I know I talk too much, I let my emotions reign over me.

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Dear A,

Imagine if I'd actually kissed you. Now I'm looking out my window into yours. I know it all was a mistake. Maybe if I'd had the courage I'd be able to do it. But instead I'm sitting on the floor of my closet, crying in my prom dress. You helped me pick it out.

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Dear A,

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it.

I wish I could say that truthfully.

But I can't and I did. I did and now I'm crying in the closet. It's my fault. You never did anything. But I'll lay it out to you. I meant to kiss you. Is it my fault? I miss you.

Please don't hate me.

Love- no

Friends?- no

  Goodbye- no

From, M

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Hey A,

I know we haven't talked in a while.

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Dear A,

Meet me in our cove.

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TO: A

FROM: M

You were the most beautiful mistake.

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Dear A,

A. A. A. A.

A is for-

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Dear A,

You were the one.

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Dear A,

I dug up our old letters yesterday, back from when you still were my friend. Do I wish you remembered me? Yes. No. Then you'd remember what happened that night.

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Dear A,

We carved our initials at the base of the tree of our treehouse when we were eight, remember? I have something to confess. I was the one to come back and draw a heart around it. I remember how upset you were when you found it. You thought it was a prank. That's when I knew I'd never have a chance.

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Dear A,

Why didn't you invite me to your birthday party when we were fourteen?

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Dear A,

I knew one of these days you would realize what a fuck up I am.

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Dear A,

Every second of our friendship I would always wonder: could it be more?

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Dear A,

It couldn't.

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Dear A,

You always hated your name. You thought it was dull. That's why you asked me to call you A, and for you to call me M.

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Dear A,

There's a difference between optimism and ignorance.

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Dear A,

Did I ever know the difference?

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Dear A,

You were drunk that night. I nearly kissed you. You slapped me. I wish you remembered. I would always remember.

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Dear A,

I'm not keeping a secret from you. I'm keeping a secret from myself.

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Dear A,

You were drunk. You drove the car. You drove the car into me.

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Dear A,

I'm still waiting for you.

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Dear A,

Where are you?

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Dear A,

I'm cold, A.

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Dear A,

I hate your new friends.

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Dear A,

I love you. There. I said it.

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Dear A,

You would never say it back.

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Dear A,

The light. The brightness. The cold. The flashing police lights. I remember it all, A.

The hospital.

You waking up.

You ask for a bottle of water.

You giggle when the cute nurse boy drops it.

I used to love your giggle. Now I hate it.

The nurse boy asking your name.

You saying 'I don't know'.

You don't remember.

You don't remember.

You don't remember.

<error: not sent>

Dear A,

I love your hair. I wish I could touch it now. But when I try, there's only cold.

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Dear A,

I follow you. You have new friends. You don't remember me.

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Dear A,

No one bothers to tell you about me.

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Dear A,

It's beckoning to me. But I can't go. Not yet. I closed the door behind you yesterday. I helped you take your coat off. You screamed and you ran away.

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Dear A,

The Other Side is beckoning. What if I went there with you?

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Dear A,

Mom cried today. She found my ripped prom dress. The one I'm wearing right now.

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Dear A,

If I took you with me, we would have millennia to love each other.

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Dear A,

You're telling your new friends you're feeling cold. Yeah, right. It's just me, silly.

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Dear A,

I went to your birthday party yesterday. You didn't need to invite me.

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Dear A,

On the Other Side, we wouldn't be cold anymore.

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Dear A,

Our friendship bracelet is still clasped around my wrist. I'm never taking it off.

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Dear A,

If I told you I love you, would you listen?

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Dear A,

You didn't do it, right? It's getting fuzzy...

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Dear A,

Oh A. I love you. Which is why I'm going to do this.

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Dear A,

I'm cold, A. So, so cold. If only you could give me your warmth...

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Dear A,

It's M. You know, M. Your best friend. Oh wait. You don't. I always wish I wasn't just your friend...

I've always loved you. Since the beginning. I don't regret that I tried to kiss you that night. I've come to peace.

Hah. No.

You've forgotten about me, A. Why? I'm going to kiss you tonight, before I leave.

I'm going to do it.

I'm really, really going to do it.

Forever yours,

M <3

OBITUARY

ON OCTOBER THIRTY-FIRST, 1995, ABIGAIL BRIDGELOW CHESTWOOD WAS FOUND DEAD IN BERKSHIRE FOREST, NEARLY 2.5 MILES FROM HER HOUSE IN CHESTER, ENGLAND. THE CAUSE OF DEATH IS CURRENTLY UNKNOWN, BUT IT IS NEARLY UNANIMOUSLY THOUGHT TO BE A MURDER. HER MOUTH WAS FOUND SEALED SHUT BY AN UNKNOWN QUANTITY. IN HER HAND WAS CLUTCHED A SEALED LETTER. POLICE ARE CURRENTLY SEARCHING FOR THE KILLER, BUT IT IS UNLIKELY THEY WILL FIND THEM. HER PARENTS ARE OFFERING NO STATEMENTS AT THE TIME.

THE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WAS DIAGNOSED WITH A LONG-STANDING AMNESIA NEARLY A YEAR AGO. SADLY, SHE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO REGAIN HER MEMORIES. A CHEERFUL AND WELL-LIKEABLE GIRL, ABIGAIL NEVER FAILED TO BRIGHTEN UP PEOPLE'S DAYS WITH JUST A SMILE.

ABIGAIL WAS KNOWN TO HER FRIENDS AS 'A.'

SHE WILL BE DEARLY MISSED.