Chapter 18: Unravelling Thoughts and Desires

YN sat quietly by the window of her small, cosy home. The evening sky was a pale purple, with streaks of gold as the sun began to set. The warmth of the sunset reflected in her eyes, but her thoughts were far from the beauty outside. They were in Namjoon. She traced a finger across her lips, remembering the moments they’d shared. How his words and gentle touches had awakened feelings in her she didn’t even know she could have.

She couldn’t help but think about all the years she’d spent hiding away, content in her routine. But now, everything feels different. She sighed, leaning her head against the window frame.

Her life had always been about stability working at the restaurant, taking care of herself, and living a quiet existence. She had never ventured into relationships, let alone the deeper, more intimate parts of them. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to, but because love and intimacy felt so foreign. She had spent her youth being a quiet, lonely girl. Her time was spent either studying, working, or taking care of her grandmother. While other girls were gossiping about boys or going on dates, YN was in the kitchen, learning recipes passed down through generations.

Her grandmother had been her rock, her only family. The memories of those years still lived with her both the comfort and the loss. It wasn’t until after her grandmother’s death that YN had started to feel the weight of loneliness. The kind of loneliness that crept into her soul and made her question what she was really living for.

The sound of pots clattering in the kitchen brought her out of her thoughts. It was busy today at the restaurant, as it usually was, but for the first time in a long while, YN’s mind wasn’t on the orders she had to prepare. Instead, Namjoon’s face floated in her thoughts. She still couldn’t believe how easy it had been for him to come into her life and start changing everything she had once believed about herself.

She stirred the pot on the stove, her thoughts drifting back to the way Namjoon had held her hand, showing her how to touch herself, to feel things she never thought she could feel. She felt a small flush creep up her cheeks at the memory. It was still so new, so unfamiliar, and yet it left her wanting more. Not just more of him, but more of this discovery of herself. She wanted to understand her body better, to feel the things Namjoon talked about so effortlessly.

The restaurant kitchen was loud, filled with the clanging of dishes and the chatter of customers. Yet YN’s thoughts were elsewhere. She caught sight of Mr. Kwon, the owner of the restaurant, speaking to the waitstaff with his usual commanding tone. Mr. Kwon was a straightforward man, a little gruff, but he had always been kind to her. He had given her a job, a place to pour her passion for cooking after her grandmother passed away. He never asked much about her personal life, and she was grateful for that. He respected her space and allowed her to focus on what she did best cook.

Mr. Kwon glanced over at her and gave her a nod, acknowledging her presence in the busy kitchen. She nodded back, but her heart wasn’t fully in the moment. She realised that for years, she had been like this quietly efficient, lost in her work. But now, something was changing inside her. Namjoon had sparked something within her, and she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, a small thrill running through her as she pulled it out. It was a message from Namjoon. Just seeing his name on the screen brought a smile to her face. It was funny how in such a short time, he had become a central figure in her life. He had a way of making her feel things she had always been too afraid to explore.

“Hey, how’s your day going? I’ve been thinking about you.” His message was simple, but it was enough to make her heart flutter.

YN hesitated for a moment before replying. She wanted to say more, to share the thoughts that had been swirling in her head since their last time together. But how could she? How could she explain that all these years she had been afraid of this very thing opening herself up to someone? She typed back a short reply, not wanting to seem too eager:

“It’s busy at the restaurant. I’ll talk to you later.”

She slid her phone back into her pocket and went back to stirring the pot, but her mind was still racing. Namjoon had said he wanted to show her what love could be, and she believed him. He was patient, gentle, but also confident in a way that made her trust him. She had never felt this kind of connection with anyone before.

Later that night, when the restaurant had finally quieted down and the kitchen was clean, YN sat alone at the counter. She thought about their next meeting. She had questions for Namjoon, but she didn’t know how to ask them. How could she ask him about the things she was curious about without sounding too bold or inexperienced?

She knew that he had opened a door to a world she had never stepped into, and now she wanted to go deeper. Her thoughts wandered to what he had mentioned last time about men's physical needs. She had never thought about what men wanted, about what she could do to fulfil their desires. It wasn’t something she had ever needed to consider.

But now, as her connection with Namjoon grew, she found herself wondering. What did he need from her? How could she give him pleasure the way he had taught her to give herself pleasure? A soft blush crept over her cheeks again as she thought about what he might teach her next. She had heard about things like handjobs and blowjobs, but she had never really understood them beyond the clinical descriptions. Now, she felt a growing curiosity. What if she asked him to show her?

Her thoughts spiralled, and she shook her head, trying to calm herself down. She wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet. Not directly. But the next time they met, she would find a way to bring it up, to ask him what she wanted to know without feeling embarrassed.

She sighed softly, resting her head in her hands. There was so much she didn’t know, so much she had been afraid to learn, but now… now, it felt different. Now, it felt like the right time.

As she closed her eyes, Namjoon’s words echoed in her mind, promising to show her what love was. And for the first time in a long while, YN didn’t feel so alone.

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