Day 80
November 19, 2021
10:44 P.M.

Dear Diary,
This day is another struggle for me, I don't know what happened, it take so fast and I can't stop myself for crying again, because honestly I am now experiencing anxiety. I am trying to be okay but in the  end,  I can't. For the second time Dia, I just want to rant using Filipino language to fully release the pain. "Ang hirap ng ganito, sinusubukan kong ayusin, baguhin at panatilihin, pero sa totoo lang sa bawat araw at gabing lumilipas isang matinding pagsubok ang aking pinagdadaanan. Bakit? Bakit kailangan iparamdam mo ang ganitong bagay? Ganoon ba ko kasamá sayo para gantuhin mo ako? Sa totoo lang, ang hirap sobrang hirap. Walang perpektong salita para sabihin lahat ng sakit. Alam kong palagi na lang, pero hanggang kailan at hanggang saan? Pinapakita at pinaparamdam ko naman pero bakit kailangan ganito ang maging resulta? Sa totoo lang, ang  galing ko sa ibang bagay, pero pagdating sa pag aayos ng sarili ko at sa pag ibig tila hindi balanse at ang masakit, parang akong walang kwenta at hindi karapat-dapat makatanggap ng kasiyahan, kapayapaan at  ng pagmamahal. Halos maubos na yung tissue, mukha na rin akong nabugbog dahil kakaiyak. Nakakatawa lang isipin na para bang gripo yung mga mata ko, walang sawa sa pagluha halos bumaha na sa kama ko. Ayoko na sana mag isip nang mag isip pero ang hirap. Pero, ipapaubaya ko na lamang ito sa Poong Maykapal, baka sakaling bukás, tapos na—Wakas na." Thank you, Dia for letting me to write this. If ever you read this, I hope you will feel the pain that I have right now. And I hope, you will realized that your words feel me unworthy, unrespecful and unloved. I know what I have done, but it was past and I learned from it, also  I am not giving you any of shits,  lies and lastly all of my tears saying I am tired, I miss you and damn, I love you even you are hurting me every night.

Respectfully yours,
LOA

Crying many times
is my way to
fight my silent battles
and my nightmares.

Even you always
showed my
unworthy; I will be
still here for you.

-ManunulatRosel-