Here I am as I promised :)

I think its time for the confused Yibo to have a serious conversation with his brother... 

Lets get it started it and have fun :D

"That is unfair! You had so much fun and I?" I complained.

"You what? You love your training." my brother said.

"Yes, but today was different. Its .... nevermind. Don't you dare go without me the next time! Or I will run away from home!" I threatened.

"Fine, run away then. I will have Xiao Zhan for myself and we will do a lot more funny things together" my brother said and smiled at me.

"Why do you always have to have the last word? Cant you let me win at least once?" I pouted and my brother starts laughing.

Only Zhan didn't react and when I looked at him I saw he fell asleep already. His head laid on a big stuffed animal. 'This boy really...'  I smiled.

"He can sleep everywhere. That is a talent too. But he sure gets tired really fast. No wonder. We did so much today and he ate so little. We have to get him to eat more as of tomorrow. And we have to do more exercise. Every day a little more." My brother said and stood up. He walked to Zhan and wanted to lift him up. I stopped him right away.

"I will bring him to bed! I already said its my duty." I said and took Zhan in my arms.

"I forgot. Then do it. I will bring the bunnies to their new home" he said while shaking his head. He took the bunnies and walked away but before he stepped out of the room I stopped him. 

"Brother?" I said.

He turned around and when he looked at me he came back immediately. "What is wrong? Why do you look so worried. Did something happen today?"

"Yes. No.... I mean ... can we talk later? I will bring Zhan to bed first but I really have to talk with you. I need your advice. Do you have time?" I asked him nervously.

"I will always have time for my little brother. Wait in your room. I will come after I took care of the bunnies." he said to me while smiling and walked away but I stopped him again.

"Thank you. But brother ...." I said.

He turned around.

"Don't you think it would be better to bring all bunnies to the garden instead of just 4?" I asked while smiling and pointed to one white fluffy bunny who tried to jump up my leg. 

"He seems to be a wild one....How did this happen?" my brother asked slightly confused and took the bunny. "Alright. Now I have them all. Yibo bring Zhan to bed. Lets meet in your room." With that he left the room and I carried Zhan in his.

I gently laid him in his bed, took of his shoes and socks and covered him with the blanket. Then I sat there watching him sleep. 'I guess he had a lot of fun today. Next time, no matter what, I have to go with them!'  I thought and kept on watching him.

The door opened and my brother walked in with the stuffed bunny and chuckled when he saw me still sitting here. He put the bunny next to the bed and checked on Zhan as well. He seems to be satisfied and looked at me.

"He should be fine. Lets go to your room and talk" he whispered and both of us walked out of Zhan's room.

Before he followed me, he went down to the kitchen and made some hot cocoa for us. He gave me one cup and we both made us comfortable on my bed. I took a sip and thought about how to start this conversation. My brother seems to realize that and waited for me to talk.

"So ....There is a person .... a person I am close with. I mean, hmmm ... we sit together and we talk a lot. I talk a lot. And sometimes ... we... hmm... we hug each other because .... we need it at that moment and it felt good. Sometimes I will do it first sometimes the other person does.... And whenever we do this ... I feel strange. And .... two times that person took my face in his hand and .... and looked at me. Looked straight into my eyes, without saying anything. Then ..... my heart beat faster and louder than usual and my face is getting warm, I mean really warm." I stopped and looked at my brother.

"So? What do you mean with 'strange'?" He asked me smiling.

"I don't really know. He hugs me tight. Usually it should hurt but it doesn't, rather I feel comfortable, I want him to hug me even tighter. I don't want him to let go. I ... I like it. And I like it too when.... when my hearts beats faster, beats louder, I feel like I am .... alive? When that person is not with me I cant hear my heart. But when I think about him ... it suddenly starts again. Not as loud as when he is right next to me but louder than when I am alone. And ....." I stopped again, biting at my bottom lip. 'Why is this so difficult?'

"Continue. I am listening" my brother encouraged me and took a sip of his cocoa.

"And when I see someone else next to this person, hugging him like I do or like he hugs me, I don't feel good. It feels .... like .... like my heart is not beating anymore. As if its broke. It Kind of hurts. Then I will get ... I will get angry. And ..... I don't know what I should do in that moment. So I just stand still and do nothing.... I just watch and it hurts". I explained.

"Are you sure you are doing nothing? Maybe you do something, but you don't realize it." he said to me.

"I am not sure. I think I do nothing. I just .... stand there and watch them. I hate this feeling, brother. When I feel like my heart is broken ... I hate it. I really want to push him away so I have that person for myself but ... I know this is wrong too. So .... I just pretend like nothing is wrong. When I am alone with that person I will hug him again. Then I feel I am alive again. I don't want him to ... to be too far away from me. I want to feel his small and soft hands on my face, I want to keep looking into his eyes. I want to stop the time when we are together." I explained carefully and slightly widened my eyes.

Now, when I am talking about this to my brother, there are more things I didn't realize. Like how I really feel, what I really want. 'Why did I never realize it before? Is it because I never spoke with someone? I never really tried to understand myself so is that why, when I talk to my brother, the words come out on its own?'

"You want to do that and that is totally okay. But is it the same with the that person? Does that person wants that as well? Did you ask him? If he likes it or not?" Brother asked.

"No, I didn't. But he is not pushing me away. He never did." I explained to him.

"That doesn't mean he likes it. Maybe that person thinks he has to do it. Because if not, maybe you will get mad at him." He said and looked at me.

I never thought about it. That sounds familiar..... isn't it the same with Lu Fei? I hate when she hugs me, when she keeps on touching me ... but today I didn't pushed her away...

"Brother today.... when I was at the training. There was this girl. A classmate of mine. She .... sat next to me and talked to me...." I started

"Are we still talking about the same person now?" he asked and looked at me. I saw worry and shock in his eyes. 'Why is he shocked?'

"Yes. No! I mean ...." Now I am getting confused.

"I am sorry for interrupting you. I will listen. Keep talking" he apologized and I arranged my thoughts.

"We had a short break at training and I send Ji Yang to speak with the others so I was alone. But .... suddenly there were hands on my eyes. I first thought its a prank of Ziyi but .... when I turned around it was my classmate, Lu Fei...." I started. 'Oh no! I am getting angry again'  I took a few deep breaths to calm down.

"Lu Fei? Is she related to your trainer?" my brother asked carefully and I nodded.

"She is his niece. Anyway ... she sat next to me and was .... not happy about me mistaken her with Ziyi. I ignored that and asked her what she was doing there, that she should go home. I mean, we had training after all. She said ...." 'Now this is getting embarrassing.'  I thought.

"She said she ... she visited me because she missed me. She wanted to help me in case my teammates were not listing to me. She kept repeating that she was Trainer Lu's niece, that she can help me. That irritated me..... I am Wang Yibo I don't need help for anything. I am old enough to do things on my own."

I heard my brother chuckling.

"When Ji Yang came, he told her the same, that she should go. But she didn't. Then .... when the match within the team started I observed them as a captain should do and ... totally forgot about her. But she linked her arm with mine and said she likes seeing me giving orders. I told her to go, to leave me alone, but she didn't. She asked what she should do that I gave her a chance for being my girlfriend. And .... she ...

Aarghh! That Girl! She put her hands on my face and forced me to look into her eyes! The same way that person did. But I didn't like it this time! My heart also kept still!

I told her many times already that I don't want a girlfriend yet. I am not ready and I don't like her! I don't have any feelings towards her. She thinks Ziyi is interested in me. She tries to tell me that Ziyi is not good for me. She wants to 'protect' me from Ziyi, one of my best friends, and pretends to be my girlfriend. And after time Ziyi will stop having any interest in me. Then I will realize that having a girlfriend is not bad, that after time I will definitely fell for her." I explained.

My brother listened without interrupting me and I smiled at that. But still I was angry. Angry at Lu Fei's behavior. 

"I mean... to be honest Ziyi and Ji Yang had the idea that if Ziyi pretends to like me and I thought too that if I play with them .. Lu Fei will stop liking me. And now that girl wants to do the same without knowing the truth. Brother, she came closer to me and I ... didn't want that so I backed away and kept telling her I don't like her! But she does not listen! She ignores what ever I say!

When I walked away she hugged me from behind. I got really angry! I hated it. Because it was not that person! I only want him to hug me! Only him, no one else! Thankfully Ji Yang came and saved me." I explained and looked at my brother. I opened my mouth and closed it again. My brother nodded at me.

"When she was gone I calmed down. But I still had this feeling. That ... something is wrong with me. Why is it okay that that person is allowed to hug me, but when Lu Fei does this, its not? I don't understand... So I wanted to test something .... I asked Ji Yang to do the same. Putting his hands on my face and look into my eyes. But still nothing happened. Brother, what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?" I finished my story and waited for my brother's opinion.

"Did you explain this to Ji Yang as well?" he asked me and I nodded. "What did he say is wrong with you?"

"He said nothing....He just congratulated me! When I asked him to tell me whats wrong with me he said he is surprised I am like this. And if he tells me the reason I would not believe him. He said I should talk to you, because if the answer comes from you I would believe it. But he didn't just congratulated me. He laughed! Brother, he laughed at me!" I complained.

My brother chuckled again.

"Not you too! What is so funny?!" I asked him

"Because he is right. If he told you, you probably would not believe it. Maybe you would even think he pranks you." he explained.

"Because you are a psychologist?" I asked him confused.

"Not necessarily. But because I am your brother. I will not prank you for sure and I will definitely not tell you the reason for your condition just like that either. It will not help you. But you have to find out yourself. I can only help you leading the way to find out the answer. But finding the answer itself is something you should do." My brother explained. 

"How? I really dont know whats wrong with me. I don't know the answer, Brother. How can I find it on my own?" I asked him desperately.

"Calm down, Yibo. Just answer me some questions and at the end of our conversation you may have found the answer." My brother explained to me. 

I took a few more deep breaths. And after I calmed down I looked at my brother and nodded to show him I am ready.

"Do you have feelings for Lu Fei?" he started.

"No. I don't!" I answered confidently.

"Why? Is something wrong with her?"

"What? .... No... I mean .... she is a beautiful girl without question. She is nice and friendly and I think she would be a perfect girlfriend. She just have to ... find someone else. I am not the right one for her." I answered.

"Why?"

"I told you already! I don't have feelings for her."

"What exactly did you say to her?" he asked.

"I said I don't like her. I don't have feelings for her and I am not ready to have a girlfriend yet" I explained.

"But, Yibo, when you said 'you don't have feelings for her' and 'I am not ready for a girlfriend yet' it sounds like you are telling her to wait." he said and I looked at him in shock.

"What do you mean?"

"You never really told her you don't love her. And you said I am not ready 'yet'....When you say it like that it sounds like you tell her to wait, that you will be ready in the future, that she may have a chance then. You should tell her directly about you feelings." he explained and I thought about what he said. 

"Yibo, why do you think you have no feelings for Lu Fei?" he asked me.

"I just know it. Even if she is a nice girl, she keeps getting on my nerves. When she is trying to flirt with me I feel uncomfortable and want to run away. So that means I really have no feelings for her. I don't love her." I explained.

"Alright. Then tell me, what do you think you should feel? What do you think you have to feel to know that you are in love? " he asked me in a gentle and patient voice. 

'What I will feel when I am in love?'  I thought. 

"Hmmm.... I should .... feel excited whenever I have the chance to see her. When she looks at me, looks into my eyes, I will feel shy and my face probably will turn red. When I am together with her I will feel happy. Very happy. When we are together .... we will have fun whatever we are doing at the moment. We will laughed a lot and my heart will be lively. Yes! It will pound fast and loud and I will smile all the time. I will find her cute no matter what she does. We will hug and.... and I will be very exited in that moment. I will never want to let her go.

And when she is not with me .... I will be very sad. I wish to be near her all the time and .... if I cant, I will think about her a lot, I will miss her. I will try my best to be with her no matter what. I want her to be safe, I want to protect her, I want to .... be responsible for her.

When she is with someone else I will get jealous. I will not like this feeling but I cant stop it. If the other person is near to her, touch her and even hug her, I want to .... take her and hide her so she can only look at me. But of course I will not do that. Because she will not like it. She will hate it. So I have to accept it. And I will do this gladly because I know she will be happy. Because ... if she is happy, I will be happy as well. 

And .... wherever she is, there is my home. Because she will be my home. She will be my everything." I explained and my brother smiled at me.

I waited for my brother to keep asking me questions but he doesn't. He just smiled at me. 'That cant be everything, right? Only these Questions? But I am still clueless! How do I find the answer now?'  I asked myself and looked questioningly at my brother.

"Yibo, think about what you told me just now. The answer you are looking for is right in front of you. Open your eyes." he told me.

'The answer is in front of me?'  I thought skeptical and probably looked like that as well.

"Think about the reason why you wanted to talk to me in the first place, little brother." He said gently.

'Why I wanted to talk to him in the first place was because .....'

When I got what my brother hinted at I widened my eyes in shock.

"I .... brother.. you think I am in love?" I asked and my shocked face brought him to laugh.

"No, I don't think, Yibo. I know. And you do too." Brother said.

'I am in .... love? But ... this ....'

I seemed to be in great shock. My brother took my cup out of my hand as I almost let it fall. He put it on the bedside table and hugged me. He stroke my back to soothe me.

"Yibo, why are you so shocked? When you just told me about how you will know when you are in love, you had to at least thought about it once. You knew some day there will be someone you will love wholeheartedly. Then I why are you so shocked right now?" He said and I felt his smile.

"This ... I ... I am still young and ... and...." I kept on stuttering.

"Yibo, you are 19 years old, soon you will be 20. Men at your age were already in love a lot of times, probably in a few relationships as well. Falling in love starts early... maybe at the age of 15 or 16" he explained.

"When it starts at ... at that age... then... weren't you ..... worried about me?" I asked him and I am still stuttering. 'I am in love...?'

"I wasn't. Because I knew you would wait for the right one to come. And when that time comes you will be happy. And now you found the person you will devote you life to. I am very happy for you. I am happy that you found the person so soon" He said and hugged me tighter while stroking my back. "Thank you. I am very, so very happy." he whispered and I heard him silently crying.

"But ... brother... maybe.... this is a misunderstanding..? I mean ... how... " I tried to explain. My brother is happy that I found that person and ...I don't want to destroy his happiness but ... is it true? Is it safe? Safe to love... that person?

My brother broke the hug, washed away his tears and looked into my eyes. "Why do you think so? Why do you think its a misunderstanding? You told me about that one person and you told me how you will feel when you are in love. You have these feelings now and you feel them for that person. Do you really think what you feel is a misunderstanding?" he asked me gently.

"No... its right, that I ... have these feelings ... but the person these feelings are meant to be is... Brother...I am not sure...." I didn't know how to explain it to him. Will he be disappointed? I could only look back into his eyes. I was feeling so helpless. 'Is it true? If it is and I really think it is ... the question is ...is it safe to love...?' I kept on thinking for myself.

"Yibo, why are you so unsure? Is it because the person you have these feelings for ... is Xiao Zhan?" He asked me. I must have looked really shocked because my brother took me in his arms immediately. "Its okay, Yibo. Calm down. Stop crying"

'What? I am crying?'  I touched my cheek and indeed I was crying. I was crying silently before but now I let it all out I started sobbing. If someone sees me like this I would probably die out of embarrassment. I, the 19 years old Wang Yibo is sobbing like three years old in the arms of his older brother.

"Brother ... what should I do now..... I shouldn't... its wrong...." I kept on sobbing while trying to explain to my brother.

"Sshht. Calm down, little brother. Its right to be in love. Why do you think its wrong?" he said and didn't let me go. But instead of answering him him I hugged him tightly and tried to calm down.

We sat there for at least 10 minutes before I calmed down enough for my brother to break the hug. He hold my face in his hands, washed my tears away and looked at me.

"Why do you think its wrong to love him? Is it ... because he is a man?" He asked me. I thought about it for a while but couldn't come up with an answer.

"Yibo, do you want to give up your feelings for him because of something like this? Because society is not fond of relationships like that? Do you really think you can forget these feelings? Didn't you say he will be your everything? If he is, then what are you without him? What will he be without you? Didn't you also say when you are with him you feel alive? Then if he is not with you, wouldn't you just be a shell? A shell without any feelings, without any meaning to live?" He asked further.

I feel my heart starting to hurt. Also my head. It feels like my head is going to burst. I hold my head with the hope to ease the pain. But its still there.

"Yibo, lets stop here for today. We will talk tomorrow. Think about what you feel, think about what you really want. To fight for your love or to give it up." He said and gently pushed me down. He covered me with a blanket and left the room. I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I went back to bed and brother came back shortly after that and gave me something for my headache. 'Brother knows me the best.'  I thought. I took the pill and closed my eyes.

"Sleep now. Maybe tomorrow you will have your answer." He said and sat next to me. He put his hands on my head and gave me a soothing massage. I thought for a while about everything what happened in the last few days, about what might happen in the future. And I found the answer my brother and I were looking for. Maybe the answer was there the whole time and I just overlooked it. I just ignored it because I was scared, scared lo love him. To love Xiao Zhan ....

With my brother's gently movements on my forehead and the conscience to have found the answer I fall asleep.

to be continue......

What should I say it was difficult to write this chaper because to be honest .... I never was in love. So I dont know if I described these feelings good enough. But it is/was fun :D 

The next chapter comes on monday. Then we will see how Yibo deals with his realization to be in love with Zhan and what Yibo's answer is. 

Just for your information at the moment I am writing a chapter with Xiao Zhan's POV..... and no joke its really difficult. How this will turn out you will see in a few more chapters ^^

See you on monday <3

1. I am sorry if there are any errors as english is not my native language. Do point it out.

2. Feel free to comment or vote. I would be very happy. :D