How did I end up sitting alone in a darkening room? Stuck. I am on that teetering verge of tears whilst everyone else is living and doing whatever it is that they do. I never leave the same three zones: sleep, nothing, toilet and it's a toxic cycle of procrastination hurtling me towards death. I don't even know who is speaking gospel anymore, it's so muddled: my head, that is. I've tried a million times to stretch a hand out in hopes that it might brush against another's and that they might give it a chance - begin to comprehend exactly what I'm feeling - but I gave up after about a year. People lie, I get it. Some people lie more than others, it makes sense. But how can someone continually submerge others even whilst being fully aware of the suffocation and consequences? That is something I don't comprehend. Maybe they need to reach out to me. I don't know.

I exist in two states of matter. Ignorant and sad. They alternate weekly or monthly like the cycles of the planets. My brain treats me like a sunset - like I'm upset - but it sounds romantic and I don't care. I can't tell whether I want a cure or if I'm just after some validation, but the incessant trembling at the mention of one of them makes the answer apparent to me: not that it will ever make itself known. I'm sorry if you are being exposed to this - it may have been stagnating in my drafts for a month or a day, collecting absent dust, or it may never be seen by anyone but its creator; forever wallowing in words and their synonyms - lexicon, vocabulary and the like dribbling down my chin in melancholy, sadness and self-piteous anguish.

The ignorant half is enabled by my new headphones and the volume button blasting sounds loudly enough to smother my existence in an inanimate dance. I feel strange. Am I better dead or alive? The incessant trembling at the mention of one of them makes the answer apparent to me: not that it will ever make itself known. I am rambling because I am in the ignorant state of matter right now - wobbling slightly as I narrowly dodge the sad. Other people come to me and tell me about their issues and I prescribe them the same old cure of companionship before I drift away, still bearing my own problems, leaving them clamouring and me guilty. Sinking. I am sinking towards death and they are turning the other cheek. They are too involved with the enemy. I am a culprit and victim of abandonment but I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.