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lately, feel like i've got no control,
lost the exit and i don't know how
to leave...

~ em beihold / rollercoasters make me sad

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BY THE TIME COLLINS GOT UP, IT WAS ALREADY NOON. She regretted staying up so late, but knew that if she'd tried to sleep any sooner, she would've just laid awake in bed. After laying there for a few more minutes, she forced herself to get up.

It was summer, but there was surprisingly a chilly breeze outside, so Collins dressed accordingly. She kept it pretty minimal with her hair and makeup, going with her old motto of there's no one I need to impress and I'm also too lazy to fully get ready.

After having breakfast for lunch, Eleanor asked Collins to go with her to stock up on groceries. As they roamed the aisles, anything they wanted simply tossed into the cart, Collins was reminded yet again of how lucky she was. Grocery shopping like this, without worrying about the total and if there'd be enough money in the bank account, was a luxury she didn't know if she'd ever get used to.

"Alright?" Eleanor looked at her daughter and was worried. But Collins turned to her, holding up 2 different kinds of peanut butter, saying she couldn't decide which.

They spent a good hour in the store, and if there'd been any more things in the cart they would've had to have gotten a second one. After returning home and unpacking the groceries, Collins helped her mom organize the kitchen.

They spent the rest of the afternoon carefully organizing the pots and pans, plates and bowls, and all the utensils. When they were finished, they lounged on the couch in the living room and watched a random movie.

At 4, Eleanor asked Collins what she wanted for dinner. It was a little early to start cooking, but her mom had been a planner at least as long as she'd known her, so she wasn't that surprised to hear the question. Before she could come up with an answer, the doorbell rang. Eleanor got up to answer it, asking Collins to pause the movie.

"Honey come here! One of our new neighbors came by to say hello!" Collins slowly got up off of the couch and made her way to the front door. She smoothed out her wrinkled shirt, wanting to make a somewhat decent first impression. Nothing could've prepared her for what, or who she saw, when she finally reached the door.

"....Kie??"

"Collins??"

Eleanor was a little surprised. They'd only arrived yesterday, and Collins hadn't come with them to initially look at the house. But she remembered where her daughter used to live. "Oh you girls already know each other! How wonderful. Come in!"

Kie awkwardly stepped into the house, and handed Eleanor a small container. "My mom baked some cookies. She was going to come and say hi with me but my dad needed help at the restaurant. But she does want me to say she'll be by later to introduce herself."

After thanking Kie and talking with her for a couple of minutes, Eleanor excused herself to go do some more unpacking upstairs. There wasn't really anything, but she suspected Collins wanted some privacy with her friend.

"So.... been awhile."

"Yeah..." Neither girl really knew what to say. They were both still hurt by what happened 5 years ago, but for very different reasons.

Kie hated that she'd been abandoned. She wanted to be there for her friend after going through something so tragic, but instead she was ghosted, and never heard from Collins again. Collins was upset that Kie never reached out as far as she knew, not even to ask how she was doing. Neither realized it was all a series of big misunderstandings between the friends.

"Umm, well it was good seeing you. But I should get upstairs and help my mom unpack—"

"So you're back, all these years later and that's the hello I get?"

Collins raised her eyebrows. "Well that didn't take long."

"I'm being serious. We all wanted to be there for you after your parents died, but you never checked in or—"

Now this kind of pissed Collins off. "Excuse me? I never checked in? You just said it yourself. My parents died. I was taken away and none of you even looked for me or asked about me! For fucks sale I was ELEVEN."

"Yes we did! JJ, John B., Pope and I all begged and asked our parents to let us see you or call you and they said we weren't allowed to. That you were with a relative and the best we could hope for was that you'd reach out when you were ready. But you never did."

"...a relative? That's what they told you?"

"Yeah. Who is that lady? I heard you call her mom."

It dawned on Collins that there might be some sort of mixup. "I never went to live with family. I didn't have any besides mama and papa."

"But the police officers said—"

Collins debated how much to actually tell Kie. It was painful to relive that time. But she realized now that her old friend didn't know the whole truth. Or any of it. "Let's go up to my room. I'll tell you what happened."

Kie nodded after a moment, and followed Collins upstairs. After shutting the door, Collins sat on her bed on the opposite side from Kie.

"Like I said downstairs, I never did live with any family. At the police station after they first took me in, I was told that they were going to try to track down any unknown relatives that I might have. They said for the time being that was the best option. So I spent the night in a foster home, and the next day I went back to my house and was told to pack my things. They hadn't yet been able to track down anyone and I was told for the time being I would be placed into the foster care system. The best I could hope for was that down the line they found someone who would take me in."

Collins looked up at Kie and saw her friend trying not to cry. She almost stopped, but forced herself to continue. Besides her mom and dad, she never told anyone the full story.

"I was only eleven years old, but I felt completely broken already. My whole life mama and papa never brought me around any other family. We would never even talk about anyone else. No one was ever able to track down any relatives, so I spent the next year moving around way too many foster homes. I got lucky. After a year I was adopted by my mom and dad. When I was initially in the system, I asked my first three foster families if they could help me get into contact with you guys. Even if it was only to tell you that I was alive, and I would try to call you all whenever I could, maybe even come see you guys someday. Everyone basically laughed in my face. The last family told me that they tried to call my friends but they were told that nobody wanted to talk to me anymore. They were both alcoholics who only fostered kids to pocket the extra money, and now it seems obvious that they were lying. The man would get a kick out of making me cry, and now thinking about it it doesn't surprise me that he would lie like that. But I never abandoned you guys, and I made so many attempts to try to contact all of you. When I hadn't heard from any of you, I thought that you guys had abandoned me. So I stopped trying."

"Are you okay?" Kie asked, although it came out as more of a whisper.

Collins nodded and wiped away a tear. She hadn't even realized that she'd been crying. "For the most part. I missed you all like crazy but I had no way of contacting you all because I was a dumb kid who never memorized phone numbers. And when I thought that you guys forgot about me or cast me aside, I forced myself to stop trying."

They stood up at the same time, and embraced each other in a tight hug. Collins had dreamt of this moment, of seeing her best friends again and getting the chance to explain what happened.

"Are you still friends with them?" Collins always wondered. She figured they'd all still be friends since before she left they were so close.

"Yeah, I don't really have any friends other than them actually. We fell out for a little while but... anyway, have you seen anyone else yet?"

Collins shook her head "No, we just moved here yesterday. And when I still thought that you all hated me, I hadn't planned on seeing anyone."

"Oh, well they're supposed to come to The Wreck later after dinner, if you want to come and—"

She shook her head again. "Honestly, I am really glad that you came over today and that we got to talk, but I've never told anyone any of that before and I don't know if I could handle explaining it all again, at least twice in the same day."

Kie was silent for a few seconds before nodding. "Okay, well do you wanna come with me now? I know my mom and dad would love to see you again. And you can leave before everyone else even gets there." Collins wanted to say no, maybe another day. But she saw the excitement in her friends eyes.

"Okay, just give me a bit to get ready."

"I like your look," Kie smiled. "I know we've all changed our styles from back then, but I really like yours. What you're wearing now looks good, I'd just maybe bring a jacket incase it gets chilly."

20 minutes later, Collins knocked on her parents bedroom door. When Eleanor opened it, she was ecstatic to hear that her daughter was going to go out and hang out with friends. In the time that they'd had her, she had friends, but for the most part kept to herself. So this would be good for her. She also felt better because both she and Marcus had work things to attend to this evening, and she hoped that Collins would be out for a while with her friends.

Collins grabbed her bike and walked next to Kie as they headed to her house to grab her bike. Neither of them had their license, and ever since the accident Collins always insisted she didn't want to drive, so they'd be riding their bikes.

"Hey mom guess who our new neighbor is?" Kie asked when the girls entered the restaurant. Anna had her back to them, so she didn't see them.

"Well it could be anyone so— Collins is that you??" Anna immediately walked around the counter and embraced Collins in a hug.

"Hi Mrs. Carrera."

"How are you— what are you doing— are you back here now?" She had so many questions. Kie stood behind her friend and shook her head, letting her mom know not to press too much.

"Yeah mom she's our new neighbor remember."

"Right, of course, sorry. Well you girls sit down and I'll have dad fix you something to eat."

15 minutes later, Mike placed a full plate of food in front of Collins.

"Umm, dad what about me?"

"You can get back in the kitchen and make your own food, this is for guests only. How you doing Collins?"

Kie's parents weren't fond of the fact that she hung out with people from The Cut. They'd never phrase it like that, at least not to her face, yet. And they always wanted her to have more, and to them, that meant hanging out with middle / high class families. But they'd taken a liking to Collins, and Mike also remembers how devastated his daughter was when Collins left so suddenly.

Once Kie's parents had both gone back to work, the 2 girls sat picking at the food on the plate. When they finished, they made small talk for a little bit. But it was a little awkward. The last time they'd spoken was when they were just 11 years old. Almost a completely different person than who you become at 16. Half an hour into their conversation, though, the awkwardness was pretty much gone.

"I should get going, I—"

"Alright who's ready for some free food!"

The girls both turn around, and even 5 years later, the 3 boys standing there immediately recognized the girl sitting next to Kie.

"Collins?"

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