NEW YORK, a city that never sleeps, where I spent my whole life after breaking my own heart for the second time. The only home I’ll never know and where the best nights of life happened. Even if I land in another city, I can still breathe its air. Para simula ng i-apak ko ang mga paa ko nang unang beses ay agad na tumatak sa buto ko ang New York. A town that gave me a second chance to prove myself to myself.

Pinaka-mahirap kasi talagang kalaban ang sarili at ang tanging approval na hinihintay ko ay iyong galing rin sa sarili kong isipan. Now, I am in my favorite place. I scoffed upon realizing what I have said. Hindi ko paborito kundi sa kanya at kahit maraming taon na ang lumipas, maraming tao na rin ang dumaan sa buhay ko, nandito pa rin ako sa lugar kung saan niya ako iniwan. She left me no choice but to stay here forever together with her memories, our memories back when we’re still together.

I can hear the people stare at me the phrase such as ‘what a sad view?’. People moved on, and strangers came in and out of my life, but I’m still here, right where she left me years ago. Sinabi ko na noon pa na kung hindi siya, wala na akong patutuluyin na iba sa buhay ko. Mas maigi pa na mag-isa kaysa pumasok sa isang relasyon na isa lang ang nagmamahal. I cannot give myself to anyone just like how I gave mine to her.

She was exceptional in all possible ways, and I liked it. I’m still into it up until now.

“Dad, you’re here again.” Nag-angat ako ng tingin at sumalubong sa akin ang magandang mukha ng sixteen year old kong anak na si Empress.

“Where is your Mom?” tanong ko ng maupo siya sa bakanteng upuan katapat ng kinauupuan ko.

“She dropped me off here and drives away immediately. She needs to meet Pops in Manhattan.” Summer said to me, raising her hands to get the food server’s attention. “I’ll order milkshake and mac and cheese, okay?”

“How’s school?” tanong ko kay Empress.

“It’s okay, and I have cool classmates.” Masaya niyang sabi sa akin kaya ngumiti ako. Kung nabuhay iyong anak ko sa kanya, kaedad na siya ni Empress ngayon. “Dad, do you love Mommy?”

“I did; that’s why you’re here, Em.”

“Why don’t you try to work it out?”

“It will be hard, sweetie. She’s in love with someone else, and I’m –“

“Still stuck in your past.” Maang akong napatingin sa kanya. “I know that Mom wasn’t the one you love, Dad, but did you at least try to love her the way you love this woman who still holds your heart?”

Hindi ko alam ang dapat na isagot kay Empress. Dapat mga salitang madali niya maiintindihan ang sabihin ko kaya lang hindi ko alam saan huhugot. Sinubukan ko naman na ituon ang atensyon at puso ko kay Sadie ng magkabalikan kaming dalawa. Noong una ayoko sumugal dahil baka nadala lang ako ng sakit na naramdaman ko ng hindi ako ang piliin sa huli. I got drunk and ended up in Sadie’s bed.

One-night-stand that resulted in Empress’ existence, which I partially regretted at first.

“Did you regret having me, Dad?” tanong ulit ni Empress.

“No, why did you ask? Did your Mom say something to you?”

Umiling si Empress. “I want to meet her.”

“Who?”

“That woman. The one you love the most.”

“Why?”

“I want to know why you still love her even if she didn’t choose you,”

Pinuntahan ako ni Bea para kausapin kaya lang, si Sadie ang una niyang nakita ng magtungo sa apartment ko. Naubusan ako ng salitang maaring pwedeng gamitin sa pagpapaliwanag sa kanya. Bea said it wasn’t cheating and she couldn’t control me nor my mind. Sinabi niya na buntis siya at sa Scotland niya balak buhayin ang anak namin na hindi ko sinang-ayunan. I have the rights as the father and if she gave birth here, our baby will be an automatic American citizen. I went down on my knee and beg her to stay here in New York.

But her decision was final.

She chose Scotland and the life there.

I tried to persuade her to stay until she gave birth, but it didn’t happen because we lost our babies due to stillbirth. Isang pangyayari na nagpaguho sa mundo ko. Walang araw na hindi ko sinisi ang sarili at dumagdag pa iyong balita na buntis si Sadie. Bea left me, and I tried to start anew with Sadie, but in the end, it didn’t work out because I couldn’t commit and met her halfway. I’m stuck forever with Bea’s memory, and she was the one that got away.

“She’s not here, sweetie. Place your order now, and I will pay,”

“I will add another meal,”

“Make sure you’ll finish it before we leave.”

“We can take out, Dad.”

“Wise girl.” Empress smiled at me and then placed her order when a waiter came.

***

BILLS, loan letters, interview invites, and a wedding invitation. Binitiwan ko ang mga sulat na hawak at binukan iyong wedding invitation na nakuha ko sa aking mailbox. Pagkakita ko palang ay may hula na ako kung kanino iyon galing at hindi nga ako nagkamali. It was from her.

Beatriz.

It is her wedding invitation together with a two-way plane ticket for two. Naalala ko bigla noong umalis ako sa Pilipinas at may iniwan rin na plane ticket para sa kanya. Nagamit naman niya kaya lang maraming nangyari simula ng magpunta siya dito. Mga pangyayari na hindi ko sukat akalain na aking mararanasan. I lost my children and the only woman whom I love the most.

Ngayon, iyong babae na patuloy kong minamahal ay ikakasal na sa iba.

“Dad, we forgot to buy milk – what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I sniffed. “Nothing. You said that you want to meet Bea, right?”

“Yeah, but if it hurts you, I’d rather not. Forget about my request, Dad.” I showed him the wedding invitation that I received from Bea together with the plane tickets. “This is in Scotland.”

“Yeah, do you wanna go?”

“You’ll attend her wedding?”

“Why not?”

“You still love her, right?”

“Nothing’s changed, but I have to let her go now that she’s going to start anew with Dominic.”

“Does love always like this? Even if it hurts you, you’ll accept and be happy for that person.”

“Unconditional love, sweetie.”

Empress’ lips pouted out of frustration. Hindi pa niya maiintindihan pero ngayon palang gusto ko na ituro sa kanya na walang masamang maging masaya para sa taong naging bahagi ng buhay ko. I want to teach her that love must be unconditional, not self-seeking and boastful. Nasa edad na siya na nagagawang ma-curious sa mga bagay-bagay kaya hangga’t kaya ko, kailangan ko siya gabayan lalo na at babae siya. Ayoko na basta na lang siya lokohin at iwanan ng walang kalaban-laban.

“Love is scary, Dad.”

“Yeah, it is sad, too yet beautiful.”

“Do you know why I like you, Dad?”

“No, why?”

“Because you see things in a positive perspective always. I want to be like you someday, but I don’t think I can make this bold move that you will do. Attending your ex’s wedding and be happy for both of them.”

Marahan ko siya pinalapit sa akin saka pina-upo sa tabi ko. Niyakap niya ako at hinilig sa dibdib ko ang ulo. Nasabi ko rin noon na ayos na ako kay Empress lang. Nang unang beses ko siya mahawakan, nabuo ako at naipangako ko sa kanya na lahat ay aking gagawin mapasaya lang siya.

“Soon, you’ll understand everything. Daddy is always here to guide and protect you,”

“I’ll text Mom regarding our trip together.” Marahan siya tumayo at kinuha ang cellphone sa center table.

“Why are you excited?”

“It’s Scotland, Dad! My favorite series took place there, so we will be going to have a tour there.”

“Is this the five-season show you watched in one week?”

“Yes.”

Naiiling ako na pinagmasdan lang ang anak ko. Wala bang stop button sa paglaki?

***

PANAY ang pag-picture ni Empress habang naglalakad kami papunta sa restaurant kung saan namin kikitain si Bea. The weather in Scotland is not as cold as what in New York. Hinahanap pa rin ng katawan ko iyong hangin doon at ingay ng mga sasakyang naiipit sa traffic. Kahit makailang beses akong umalis, babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa New York hindi dahil naroon ang buhay ko kundi doon ko talaga nais na mamalagi kasama ni Empress. Alam ko na darating ang araw na magmamahal ang anak ko at aalis sa aking poder at iniisip ko palang ngayon ay parang ayoko na mangyari.

Kung maari lang talaga pahintuin ang oras sa pagtakbo.

I smiled upon seeing Bea entering the restaurant. Nakangiti siyang lumapit sa amin at tumayo ako para mayakap siya.

“Akala ko hindi ka pupunta,” aniya sa akin.

“It’s your special day, and I shouldn’t miss it.”

“Ikaw pa rin ang pinaka-selfless na taong nakilala ko.” Ngumiti ako at inaya siyang maupo. “Siya ba iyon?” Tukoy niya kay Empress na nakatitig lang sa aming dalawa.

“Yeah, she’s my daughter, Empress Jade Lewis.”

“She has your eyes, nose, and lips. Anak mo nga talaga ang siya.”

Marami na nakapagsabi ng ganun sa akin at naniniwala naman ako. Nakuha ni Empress ang tangkad at balingting katawan sa kay Sadie. Papasa siyang model kaya lang napapansin ko na mahilig sa negosyo ang anak ko at mas lagi pa siya sa Elixir kaysa sa akin. May tigapagmana na nga raw ako sabi Chris.

“Hello,” sambit ni Empress.

Napatingin sa akin si Bea. “Does she knows?” tanong niya na sinagot ko ng tango.

“Dad, I will go outside now so you two can talk.” Paalam ni Empress sa akin. “I’m glad to meet you finally, Bea. Now, I know why Dad is head over heels to your before.”

Nangunot ang noo ko at ngumiti lang si Empress saka umalis na.

“She’s witty.”

“Yeah,” maikli kong tugon. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Akala ko talaga hindi ka pupunta at mali iyong ginawa ko na magpadala ng invitation sayo.”

“No, it’s okay, and past is past. Ayos na ako at gaya mo nahanap ko na rin ang babaeng nagpapasaya sa buhay ko.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Max. Gusto ko ulit mag-sorry dahil sa mga nangyari noon.”

“Don’t be sorry. Remember that I am grateful to you, that once in my boring life, I experienced loving someone like you and be loved in return.”

Matagal ko na gustong sabihin sa kanya ito para maalis na iyong agam-agam sa puso niya dahil sa tuwing mag-uusap kami ay panay ang hingi niya ng patawad sa akin. Lahat ng nangyari noon ay naibaon ko na sa limot at gaya ng sinabi ko sa kanya, nahanap ko na ang babaeng magpapasaya sa akin hangga’t nabubuhay ako dito sa mundong ibabaw.

“Likewise, Max. Matagal ko na gustong magpasalamat sayo at ngayon lang ako nagkalakas ng loob na gawin ito.”

“To open a new book, one must be closed, and that’s our book, Bea. Ito na iyong araw na pinagkaloob sa ating dalawa para isara na ang nakaraan at huwag mamuhay doon.”

“Thank you, Max.”

“Anything for you, Bea.” Ngumiti ako at nagpatuloy kami sa pag-uusap tungkol sa kung ano-anong bagay na dahilan para hindi na namin mamalayan ang oras. Kung hindi pa nag-text si Empress ay tatagal pa kaming dalawa doon. Nagpaalam ako at sinundo na si Empress saka bumalik kami sa hotel room.

Days have passed, and Bea’s wedding day came. Lahat ng malapit sa amin, naroroon at hindi nila sukat akalain na dadalo ako. I choose to seat not so far from the altar and the aisle. Isa-isa nagpasukan ang kasama sa entourage at ang pinakahuli ay si Bea, suot ang simpleng wedding gown niya.

“Are you okay, Dad?” Napatingin ako sa anak ko ng tangunin niya at hawakan ang aking kamay. “We can runaway if you don’t want to stay here.”

“No, we’ll stay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“We can run away after the ceremony, Dad.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, we can, sweetie.”

I met Bea’s gaze, and she mouthed the word thank you to me. Ngumiti ako bilang sagot saka binaling na sa altar ang tingin. Empress is still holding my hand, and she never let it go until the ceremony came through. Nauna kaming lumabas at tumungo sa ilalim ng isang puno malayo sa ibang bisita nina Bea at Dominic. Doon namin sila pinanood habang masayang naghihiyawan.

“What are you feeling?”

“Happy? Complete? Mixed.”

Seeing her happy, even if I am not the reason, makes me feel the same feelings. 

“Is sending her in this way makes you happy?”

“Yeah, because I’m with the one who completes me, and it’s you, Em.”

Nakatinginan kaming mag-ama at saka ngumiti.

I maybe left alone, broke, and fooled many times, but I managed to cope easily because of Empress.

Yes, the one who completes me is my daughter, and the only one who makes me happy every day.

***

THIS IS NOT THE REAL ENDING. HUWAG MAGTAMPO KUNG HINDI SILA NAGKATULUYAN DITO KAYA NGA ALTERNATE ENDING.