"So you heard...everything?"

Paralyzing fear yields to burning shame, coursing through me in a rushing flood. I swallow, staunchly avoiding eye contact with my mom.

Fuck, fuck, fuck... This is it, the beginning of the end. Our unravelling. Fuck.

She grimaces by way of reply; I've never wished for death quite so fervently as I do right now. "You must have..." I clear my throat, still burning from within, "questions..."

"Oh, I have about a million. First - who the hell are...Jen and Sen?"

I feel a dark blush flaring in my cheekbones, suffusing the skin with a deep rose.

"Uh..."

Mom's eyes narrow, focusing sharply on me. I dig my toe into the dark, oak-panelled flooring, seconds trickling by.

Mom stiffens suddenly and stares at me with an odd expression before closing her eyes. She passes a hand down her face in resignation.

"So it's right up there with the things I don't want to know."

"Pretty much," I mumble, shuffling awkwardly.

I feel queasy with the overwhelming emotions assaulting me, ready to pass the fuck out right here on the floor. I'm weak with the sheer realization that

She.

Knows.

I can only imagine how this must look; I probably come across as the average scumbag celebrity who gets around too much behind his wife's back, has even resorted to having sex with men. Mom probably thinks I'm confused, experimenting or some fucked up shit.

She couldn't have seen this coming. Her son, gay? I don't blame her, because I don't exactly look like a flaming homo riding a unicorn; I'm far from a walking stereotype. I seem straight, plain and simple. I even had myself fooled for most of my life.

But I'm not straight. I'm also not confused. I know this because I was confused before and now Misha's made everything crystal clear.

My mother shuts her eyes, groaning in dismay.

"Son, you're going to sit your ass down and tell me everything. And I mean everything."

I bite my lip, the urge to shrivel up and disappear growing with each passing second. Dani's away at yoga, but the others could still...

"Not here," I relent, gritting my teeth as I gesture pointedly around the room. "This is obviously not a private place to talk."

So that's how I find myself back at the stables with mom.

Scarlet pricks her ears as I swing myself expertly into the saddle, and mom mounts a pretty palomino with a dished face and sweet temperament named Delancey. She reaches down to unlatch the gate leading out of the yard, and the pair of horses move out into a trot.

Scarlet's stride seems to eat up the ground beneath her as I feed the reins through my fingers. She arches her satiny neck, ears pricked forward and an eager step in her stride.

I glance discerningly at mom's evenly rising figure and she purses her lips in grim acknowledgment. Minutes pass.

Up ahead, a forest of trees cave over us, their branches swaying slightly with the gentle breeze. We follow the path in strained silence, the horses eagerly plodding forward along the shady, dirt trail. Mom's voice finally slices through the crisp, woodsy air.

"Do you love Dani?"

"Of course," I offer instinctively. We've been together for so many years; those feelings aren't going to dissipate into thin air in mere months. If they did, I would be worried...and possibly a psychopath. I would also have to question my love for Misha.

No, my love for Dani is still there, intact. But it's...different. It's become tenderness and affection, familiar and warm and pure. What I feel for Misha is explosive and organic and more powerful than I can describe in words.

"Then why would you cheat?" My mom's face sours on the last word, sending a pang of shame stabbing through my gut.

Because you do what you have to, when you fall in love.

I did what I did not to hurt Dani but to be with the man I love. If our time together is not forever, then at least we'll love each other that long. I believe this; I have to believe this. Sometimes it's the only truth I have to hold on to. I don't know what I would do if Misha ever stopped loving me. It's my only tether.

The air around us carries the scent of oak and poplars, hinted with dampness, and I breathe it in slowly as I struggle to formulate a coherent response. Mom halts Delancey and turns in the saddle with a quizzical expression.

"Help me understand, Jensen," she sighs. "Help me understand why you would do this to the people you love."

I feel like disappointment on legs. My mom may not have expected me to remain chaste until marriage, but she undoubtedly expected I would be monogamous when I did marry.

My moral laxity must be like a slap to her face. She raised me better than this. But she probably isn't angry so much as worried. Because this is bad.

Judicial homophobia bodes ill for gay men leaving a heterosexual union. If Dani finds out and divorces me, I would have one hell of a time fighting for custody of the kids. Men like me aren't fit for the edification of young children in society's eyes. I'm risking everything - everything - and she probably thinks I'm batshit crazy for it. 

My impetus? A fucking incredible man carved by angels and God Himself.

Misha's worth it. He's worth dying for.

I don't regret anything.

Mom pinches the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger, utterly defeated.

"Do you hate Victoria?"

No. I don't hate Victoria. I've only thought of eight hundred ways to kill her and steal her man since I first laid eyes on Misha. Two thousand nine hundred since he told me he loved me.

"Of course not," I mumble, shrugging noncommittally. "I'm no different from her. We both fell for the same man."

"Except she married him, bore him children-"

I push Scarlet into a high-headed canter, away from Delancey and a startled mom. Poised above the filly's withers, I bite back stinging tears of humiliation. I fucking disgust myself. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a fucking child.

I lean forward, applying a steady pressure to the filly's sides until she bursts into a higher gear.

With a sharp whinny, Scarlet explodes into a breathless gallop, kicking up loose dirt as she flies. The sound of drumming hooves rings in my ears and Scarlet's muscles ripple through her well-conditioned coat, gleaming with a fine layer of sweat as she streaks across the verdant expanse of grass.

I crouch precariously over the horse's neck, kneading the reins through my fingers.

My grandfather was the one who taught me how to ride. I can still hear his encouraging, didactic voice in my ear, delivered in his characteristic southern twang.

Slide your outside leg behind the girth. Keep your inside leg on the girth and sit deep... Don't fall off.

Excited by Scarlet's quick pace, Delancey throws her head up, whinnying shrilly. Soon mom has her galloping full out, chasing after Scarlet's retreating figure.

Bending over the filly's neck, I squeeze her into a faster gait. Dust and mane fly in my face, the wind tearing at my shirt like a sail as Scarlet strains at the bit. Everything whirls past in a blur of indistinct shapes and hues of green bathed in golden sunlight.

Clattering hooves approach and suddenly Delancey draws neck and neck with us. I throw my weight onto Scarlet's hindquarters, fingers tugging back the reins.

Maintaining steady pressure on the reins until she slows her gait to a collected trot, I sit back in the saddle and the filly skids to a halt with a loud snort.

Delancey draws to a stop beside us in a shower of dirt, mane flying as she whinnies shrilly.

"Jensen, what the hell?" My mom raises a hand to shield her eyes from the dazzling sunlight.

I ignore her, clicking to the filly and nudging her forward in a walk to stretch out her neck muscles.

"Jensen - wait - I want... Tell me about Misha." I slide down from the saddle at the same time that mom dismounts. "Tell me about the two of you. I want to know."

We lead the horses by the reins and they follow at our shoulders.

"You're not mad?"

"I'm furious," my mom returns grimly. "And terrified for you. And if it were anyone other than Danneel I would've slapped you seventy times across each cheek. What you're doing is wrong, Jensen, never mind that I didn't want you to marry her in the first place. But I get it. Young men don't listen to their mothers."

At long last, we step out into a vast clearing. Sunlight bathes the grass in light and a river sparkles a short distance away. I feel Scarlet quicken her pace slightly, snorting eagerly. The sound of rushing water mingles with the occasional chirp of a bird or snort from one of the horses.

"Son," my mom presses.

I click to Scarlet, who snorts before plodding lazily down to the crystal-clear water. The source of the river lies somewhere in the trees at the far end of the field, and the river slopes down into an underground burrow halfway across the expanse of land. Here and there, pink and blue flowers dot the riverbank.

"I don't know where to start," I confess, watching as mom swings the reins over Delancey's head and stands back to let the horse lap up the water. I copy.

All I know is that I love him shamelessly with my whole heart. I don't want her to judge me; I don't want to her to know the secrets I share with him. I stare straight ahead with guarded features, jaw set.

What could I even tell her? Nothing meaningful. Not how I feel when our bodies are joined together as one, not how we've loved each other deep into every night for so long that I can't sleep alone anymore. Not that I gave him a ring and secretly dream about marrying him for real. I could tell her about his obsession with kale and weird hats, maybe.

"I mean it's not hard to imagine what you see in him," my mother sighs. "He's a star for a reason. Talented and good-looking..." And such absolute fucking perfection that even the straight guys want him. I'm a living testimony of this scientific fact.

"I should've listened to you," I concede quietly.

Mom's eyebrows climb dramatically.

"Somebody document this event! It's one for the history books."

"It's just... It's too late now. What am I supposed to do?" I draw a hand despairingly through my hair. "I can't - nobody can fight out. Nobody can know, mom."

Mom quirks an eyebrow.  

"Jensen, have you been on that thing called the Internet lately?"

"What do you mean?"

Mom rolls her eyes and whips out her phone, thumb sliding and tapping for a few moments before she shoves it my way. I accept it, finding a loaded YouTube video.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

"So now I know it's true," my mom sighs, drawing a hand down her face. "It's all true."

If I was embarrassed before, my cheeks are flaming now.

"I-"

"There's more where that came from," she sighs. "If you two are so desperate not to get caught, then why is G-A-Y written on your foreheads every time you're under the same roof? I'm surprised Dani hasn't put two and two together by this point."

I squeeze my eyes shut, willing this whole situation to be one horrific nightmare.

We collect the horses. After checking the girth, I swing myself up onto the filly's warm, solid back. Scarlet tugs eagerly at the reins, and I release her into an even, collected walk.

Back on the path, I soak in the view of the shady, wooded trail. The sun forms pools of light on the dirt, resulting in a beautiful dappled effect, and the leaves on the poplars cast dancing shadows on the ground. Scarlet pauses occasionally to inspect the shrubbery that grows at the edge of the trail, while the horses clip-clop along the path.

Before long, we emerge into the dazzling sunlight, out of the shelter of the woods. The stables lie spread out ahead of us, a hive of activity as usual.

"Mom, if I lose him..." I swallow, fisting the reins apprehensively. "I can't promise I'll have the strength to go on."

"Jensen, I'm sorry, baby, but you have to make a decision."

"Mom, no-"

I shake my head, not liking where this is going one bit.

"You can't go on like this forever."

"Well I can't tell Dani," I exclaim, tugging at my hair.

"You can and you will," my mom replies firmly. "Tell her...or I will."

My heart stops.

"Mom-"

"Don't even think about blaming me for this, Jensen. You got yourself into this situation. I love you, but what you're doing is wrong. Not just wrong, it's cowardly. You have to man up and take responsibility-"

"Mom, please-"

"I'm sorry," she purses her lips, gazing at me sternly. "But I can't stand by and let this go on. I'll be implicated in the act too; I'll be guilty of helping my son cheat on his wife. I never wanted this for you, Jensen."

The world is crumbling slowly around me, leaving me gasping in the ashes.

"Mom, I'll do anything. Anything, just don't make me do this. Don't do this. Please. Anything."

"Jensen, the only other option..."

My eyes widen like saucers, and I shake my head with growing vehemence.

"No. No."