((I'm going to try something different in this chapter of the story, hope you guys like it, Please give me some feedback so I know if I need to change anything and what to change.  you don't seem to be as interested in this story as you do the MiniCat version))

End of Memory (back to Delirious in the midst of a panic attack after his nightmare)

I could feel the anxiety begin to ebb away, I tried to think of another memory to calm me down. Turning my head I managed to get enough control of myself to mutter two words into Evan's ear without choking on them.  "First kiss" I felt him tense for a second, I knew the memory was a mix of good and bad feelings for him, it had been only a few weeks after he had told me about the abuse and it was the first time I'd had what you could have called an interesting, if not slightly terrifying encounter with his nocturnal persona.

Evan's Memory of the first kiss

I woke feeling confused, there was something wriggling in my left hand and my right hand was raised over my head, I was finding it really difficult to wake up properly as if sleep was reluctant to let me go.

"Evan!...please be awake"I heard Jonathan's muffled pleas and that seemed to wake me up a little more. It was when I realized that I was sitting up with a squirming Jonathan over my knee, his hands pinned in the small of his back and my hand raised ready to spank him that I woke up completely.

"Oh my god what the hell am I doing"I was panicking, how did this even happen? I let go of him really quickly and pulled him up onto his feet as I stood up "I'm sorry...I'm so, so sorry" 

"forget it man" He chuckled and sat down on the edge of the bed leaving me standing and edging away from him

"W-wha....H-how..." I stammered trying to figure out if there was a way I could save my friendship with the only guy that knew everything about me. 

"I screwed up and tried to resist, I wasn't awake enough to stop myself...aaaand apparently your nocturnal persona doesn't like it when i try to wake you up" He lent back on his hands and yawned, I felt my face flood with heat as I noticed that his sweat pants where straining like someone was camping under there.

"apparently parts of you like it when the other guys does that" I mumbled wondering if he'd even noticed how obvious his hard on was.  He looked down as he crotch and frowned, I was mildly amused and surprised that he didn't even try to cover up.

"it's got a mind of it's own" he mumbled as he glared at his cock"go back to sleep...traitor" the tone of his voice made it sound like he was talking to a friend that was being a stubborn prick and I couldn't help but laugh nervously even though I was on the verge of freaking out.  I ran my hands through my hair to try and distract myself for a second so I could think, I had to keep Jonathan safe I can't risk doing anything that might put him at risk and I can't trust myself  around him anymore.  He seemed to realize what I as thinking because he took me by surprise and pinned me to the wall that was only a few paces behind me. "What are you thinking Ev'..."

"I'll just get another room" I mumbled, I felt so guilty right at this minute, not just for attacking him but I felt guilty for leaving him too, he was everything in my life and I was just going to walk out on him.  I felt my throat closing up like I was being choked, my nerves were so frayed that by body needed a release and apparently it was going to come in the form of tears...but not yet, not until I was alone.

"it's a convention Evan there are no other rooms" he huffed as if I was being unreasonable

"then I'll sleep in the damn janitors room" I growled still trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.

"Your not going anywhere"he sighed but sounded like he was deadly serious and would do anything to keep me here with him. "it's a one off...you said yourself that you weren't attracted to men"

"I'm not" I barked at him but knew that wasn't completely truthful, ever since we'd been snowed in and I had shared some very intimate information with him I had slowly felt safer and...I guess you could say loved but it was more...accepted as well, he didn't judge me or make fun of stuff that i had no control over.  Over the last few months I had developed...feelings...addictions to things like his giggling, not his laugh that always makes me laugh, but his genuine giggles made a shiver of pleasure run up the back of my neck and pool in the pit of my stomach making me feel like a school kid in the presence of his crush.  I guess that's what he was to me know, my closest friend and my darkest secret.  He wasn't going to let me leave this room without a good reason,  which meant I had to give him one.  "just you" I muttered half hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"What?" he sounded like he was trying to figure out if I'd said it or not.  I gritted my teeth, I knew this was a bad idea, this was how I was going to lose him but it was better than doing something to him in my sleep.

"I've had a crush on you since the blizzard" I lied, I think it was a lie, I wasn't sure how long I'd had these feelings for him, they had just kind of snuck up on me.  He stared at me, I couldn't meet his eyes I didn't want to see the disappointment I knew I would see there. I was shaking  so much that I had to wrap my arms around my ribs to try and hide it from him, but stuff like that was rarely missed by him.

"well fuck...I guess we're screwed then" he huffed and rested his hands on the wall either side of my head "cus I've been crushing on you pretty hard too"  He sounded sincere, I locked my eyes to his and saw nothing but honesty and nerves.

"Don't play with me Jon I can't..." I was beginning to choke on my own words, I could feel the lump in my throat tightening it's grip. His hand slid onto the side of my face making me jump but I didn't move away, the warmth of him was comforting, regardless of how much I wanted to run from this massive fuck up in my life I couldn't...I was, as he said, screwed...

"I wouldn't do that to you...Ev'...it's ok...you're safe with me" He coo'ed trying to calm me down "I'm not going to push you...if you want me to just be your friend then that's what I'll be...but I am not going to let you run from this, I can't lose you" He knew me too well, I noticed how close he actually was, the warmth of his body threatening to draw me in.  I just wanted to bury myself in it, forget everything and just be engulfed in the protective cocoon made of Delirious so that I didn't have to pretend anymore.

"I won't run"I choked out closing my eyes for a moment and focusing on his fingers as the fluttered over my skin, I could tell he was nervous but it didn't make his hands shake, at least not enough for it to show.  I looked up at him, not realizing he had been watching me so intently, his eyes flicking around my face and resting for a few moments on my lips before licking his lips and looking into my eyes again.   Without thinking I tilted my head up towards him and let my lips part a little, I watched as his eyes darkened and he lent slowly towards me.  Was this happening? after months of fantasizing and uncomfortable moments, was I actually going to be allowed to kiss my crush?  I was waiting for something to interrupt, I didn't deserve this, he deserved better than me, I'm broken no one wants me.

"Ev'...can i...will you let me?" he mumbled sounding a little out of breath I must have looked confused because he cleared his throat and licked his bottom lip "will you let me have just a little taste?" he breathed as his thumb brushed across my lips, I could see color flood his face and wondered if he'd ever had to ask permission to kiss anyone.  

I didn't answer I just nodded and held my breath as I felt his fingertips brushed along the edge of my lower lip, I was surprised at how gentle he was it was like he thought this was his only chance to memorize every single sensation and was taking his time so that he didn't miss anything.  His fingers slowly ghosted along my jaw as his lips met mine with the same slow, savoring every moment, movements. His arm slid around my waist and pulled me gently against him as I realize that this might be the only time I would be able to kiss him, I felt myself instantly lose myself in him, melting into his arms, unable to move more than just returning the slow but extremely sensual kiss.  I wanted this but the fear of losing him was still tugging at the back of my mind, it took me a moment to realize I had my fingers curled into his hair holding him to me.  He moaned into my mouth and I felt his tongue flick across my bottom lip, he wanted more and I apparently wasn't going to refuse him.  I heard myself whimper and cringed inwardly, I didn't make sounds or should I say I'd been conditioned not to make any noises but then it had been a long time since anyone had kissed me let alone handled me how Jonathan was right now.  I let my mouth open and felt him instantly take up my offer and began exploring my mouth, I'd never experienced anything like this I don't know if it was the slowness or if it was Jonathan himself, but my senses seemed to overload and left me clinging to him as my knees buckled from the overdose of pleasure.