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Chapter 23-The Shock

Katerina Kolosov's POV

I sighed and traced invisible circles on the reports listlessly, not a single word was entering my head as the meeting went on. I didn't know why I was feeling this way. It wasn't as if I was in love with Raphael. Ever since that night, everything went downhill.

The meeting dragged on and soon enough, it ended and I left for home. Because of that incident, I went home for the night even thoughI had college on Mondays to Wednesdays. Some would say that I was a coward, not wanting to face Lexi when everything between Raphael and I went South.

All I could say was that they were right.

I didn't know how to face Lexi after I supposedly broke her brother's heart. It has been about a week since that Friday night where Raphael and I had a big falling out after he said those words to me.

At the thought of that, my heart ached and I sucked in a breath as my eyes threatened to well up in tears. Pressing my lips together in a mulish line, I forced all my emotions back and drove home.

I was sure my parents knew that something had happened between Raphael and I but I didn't think they knew exactly what had happened. For once, dad didn't mention anything nor shoved his nose and tried to pry what had happened from me. Mom didn't say anything even though she realised I was mostly moping about at home.

And I was grateful that my family was leaving me alone. For now. Even though my parents were giving me space, I would not be surprised if sooner or later, they would start demanding for answers. In fact, it also wouldn't be a surprise if they actually knew.

Mortification crept up on me at the thought of Raphael's family thinking I was some sort of tram breaking his heart. I chewed on my lower lip and I longed for his comforting and reassuring words that I was fine just the way I was.

After parking my car, I entered the house to see that my parents were preparing dinner together and my siblings were probably still in school. Not wanting to have a conversation with them, I hurried up the stairs and towards my bedroom and dumped my bag on my desk and quickly took a shower.

Immediately, thoughts about that night filled my mind. On how Raphael and I fit perfectly, how I enjoyed the evening - not because of the sex we had, but because of his company and how we could talk about anything to everything.

Chewing on my lower lip, the ache in my chest intensified as the memory of what happened after entered my brain. Quickly getting out of the shower, I dried and dressed myself as the thoughts and memories swam through my head of that disastrous night.

One week ago:

"Katerina, I love you."

My eyes widened in shock and I swear that my heart felt like it was doing multiple flips. If I didn't know better, I swear that it felt like I was having a heart attack.

"What?"

I sputtered, everything was coming to a halt. The post coital bliss that I was experiencing had popped abruptly like a bubble. What did Raphael say?! Oh my god. He could not have said that could he? Not those three words! Not that!

Raphael looked down at me, his eyes were fixed on my face and those blue eyes were warring with mine. I for one was at a lost. What the hell could I do? What the hell could I even say?

Raphael could not say that! Conflicted emotions were bubbling up in me and all I could do was just stare at him, stunned. Mouth agape and eyes wide. Damn it Kat, say something!

"I-"

I started but cut myself off. I had no idea how to respond to this. Did I feel the same way? I didn't know. But weren't we too young to be in this sort of committed relationship? I was only eighteen, going onto nineteen this year for fuck's sake. It certainly didn't help that Raphael was only three years older than me.

How could Raphael claim that he was feeling that way about me when we've been together for about five months? There was no way anyone could know and love another in just that short a period.

Panic was crawling up in my veins and I could feel myself stiffen as my mind raced through things that I could say. I knew that I cared for Raphael, but did I love him?

Nothing would be the same already. I thought mournfully and I felt unnerved by the way Raphael was staring at me and waiting for me to say something.

"Raphael, I-" I started once more before cutting myself off when nothing could come to my mind.

I could see that Raphael's expressive blue eyes were now blank and he was moving away from me on the bed. "It's fine. You don't have to say anything."

I watched him warily before grabbing his shirt from the ground and slipped it on. "I-"

"Really, it's fine. It wasn't supposed to come out." Raphael stated blandly as he put on his boxers, his back turned away from me.

"Are you sure?" I questioned quietly and shrugged on my underwear and jeans I had packed in my bag. I was cautious as hell and caught off my guard. I hated that I had to feel this way around someone who I was fully comfortable with. Did Raphael really mean that he was fine with me not saying anything to his confession regarding how he felt about me?

"Yes." He answered. Raphael's voice was toneless and I could hear a hint of hurt in his voice. All I wanted was to run after him to tell him I felt the same way just to soothe the hurt he was feeling. But I thought better. I wasn't going to say those three words just because I thought I should.

I would only say it when I was certain about what I was feeling. And what are your feelings exactly? My conscience questioned with a snarky tone and I pressed my lips into a thin line.

I had no idea.

Ignoring Raphael's cold brushoff, I straightened and summoned all the courage I had. "Raphael, I'm sorry that I can't say that I feel the same yet at this moment. But I do care deeply about you. I hope this won't change a single thing between us." I finished confidently when truth be told, I was quivering from fear of Raphael's reaction.

Raphael turned around to face me, his features softening as he registered my words. "Alright."

I watched him warily, looking for signs that he could be upset with me and found none. Although, his blue eyes were carefully guarded and his jaw was clenched, he seemed fine.

Nodding my head, I chewed my lower lip before moving towards him. "Would you want to watch a film?" I asked quietly, not liking the awkward atmosphere that had risen in the room. I thought it was best to move away from the room where Raphael and I had just slept together.

Raphael nodded in response and led the way to the living room and handed me the remote before heading to the kitchen. I watched his retreating form a little warily before turning my attention back to the television to choose a film.

Settling on a action-thrillet film, Raphael handed me a glass of wine and settled beside me. Starting the film, I moved my body closer to his and leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn't really think much of it but I felt Raphael tense slightly beside me before relaxing.

I sighed inwardly, wondering what was going on in Raphael's head. I knew I cared deeply about him. We connected to each other in some ways I couldn't even explain. Emotionally and physically. Raphael always seemed to know when I wasn't feeling my best and I him.

Raphael complemented me. I was the hot-tempered, impulsive one in our relationship while he was the cool and calm one, always thinking before reacting. And in some ways, I admired that but I knew that I got my impulsive reactions from both my parents.

I knew he cared for me deeply but he couldn't love me. There was no way. Rationalising that he had blurted those words out in the heat of the moment, I relaxed and focused all my attention on to the film that was playing.

When the film ended, Raphael wrapped an arm around my waist as we headed to his room for the night. Of course, I suspected that Raphael knew that I planned to stay the night when he had spotted my two bags earlier this evening.

After brushing my teeth, I got into Raphael's bed and waited for him to join me. Once we got settled, I curled up against his body and again, the awkward silence rose.

Feeling a little guilty for ruining the perfect evening and the need to apologise rose, I cleared my throat and turned to Raphael. "I'm sorry that I ruined everything tonight."

Raphael sighed and ran his fingers through my tangled curls. "You didn't ruin anything. Let's just move pass this."

I nodded and again silence reigned in the room. Feeling sick of it, I snuck my hand onto Raphael's thigh and moved upwards only to be stopped by his larger hand. "What are you doing?" He questioned roughly and I answered coyly.

"You said we can get things back to normal." With that, I freed my hand from his grasp and continued the path where my hand was leading.

"Stop!" Raphael swore and got out of bed and began pacing. I sat up and watched him confused. "What's wrong?" I questioned confused beyond belief.

"You don't get it do you?" Raphael demanded roughly, his eyes flashing as he turned towards my figure still sitting on his bed.

"Get what? What's wrong?"

Raphael shook his head and began running his fingers through his hair. "How could you think that things could be back to normal after what I said earlier?"

Frowning, I got off the bed and crossed my arms and stared up at him. "What? Why not? You said we could move pass this."

Raphael let out a hollow laugh and turned to me. What made me gasp in shock was the total anguish shining from his eyes. "I can't. I tried but I can't. I meant what I said. I do love you."

My eyes widened in shock and I shook my head slowly. "You can't feel that way about me Raphael."

"Why the hell not?" He demanded and my lower lip trembled. "You said we could forget that you said it!" I pointed out desperately, not wanting to take part in the upcoming argument.

"How could I forget that I spilled out my innermost feelings I have about you to have you ignore it?" He questioned quietly and I shut my eyes in sorrow.

"You can't mean it! You just said it in the heat of the moment!" I protested, panic flooding up in me as I tried to think of anything to stop this argument.

"Well, I love you Katerina, and not because we had sex." Raphael declared as he stared down at me with his blue eyes burning into mine.

"It's too soon for that to happen. You can't just love me in five months! It isn't logical!" I protested as I clenched my fists. 

Raphael barked out a bitter laugh and shook his head. "What's to say what is logical and what makes sense? Can't you just accept my feelings about you?"

I remained silent, speechless as my brain raced through things I could say and what I could do but came to a blank. Once my brain started functioning, I began moving away from Raphael as my lower lip trembled from what I was about to do.

"I'm sorry Raphael. I-I-I got to go." I rushed out and grabbed my belongings and threw them into my bags and left, leaving a heartbroken Raphael standing all alone in his bedroom watching my retreating figure.

***

Once those memories faded, I rested my face in my hands as I began to give into the emotions I was feeling. The ache in my chest intensified the feeling in my stomach made me want to throw up and I started sobbing. I hadn't seen Raphael seen that day and I finally started to let my emotions out.

Tears welled up in my eyes and instead of holding them back, I let them roll down my cheeks.

Was this how heartbreak felt like? 

***

A/N: Hallo! Wie geht es Ihnen? For my non-speaking German readers, that was me asking you guys how are all of you? Yes. I'm learning German. If I used the wrong 'you' let me know! Anyway, I'm so sorry for making you all wait! And this was the best I could do in my circumstances! I hope you guys love the chapter and please give a vote and comments! I really would appreciate it as I'm so tied up about it! 

I have so many group projects at the moment and there is this guy in two of my groups who is causing so many problems. (Insert warning about upcoming rant): 

He simply wouldn't cooperate and finds it funny when I get pissed at him. It is very aggravating and frustrating when I would try to get him to work with our other members and he would poke fun at me and laugh. Uggggghhhhh. When suggesting ideas, he would give some but make sarcastic comments about others' ideas. Not that his ideas are any good or not but whatever. It seems he enjoys getting a rise out of me which I would love to throttle him. 

Anyway, rant aside, I hope that you guys are still reading this and have not given up on this book because of late updates! I really am sorry for all the late updates and I hope you guys can be patient with me! Thanks so much for reading and I love all of you dedicated readers out there! 

Auf Wiedersehen! (Goodbye!) 

P.S. I'll get to replying messages on my board and inbox ones soon!