A/N Hey folks! This Chapter seemed to take ages, literally rewatched all the Captain America movies and half of Endgame but I got it done... Finally... I could have worked on this chapter for ages. Without giving any spoilers I am thinking about writing a separate fic that might fill in some of the blanks with Evie's past in the other world. Sort of an AU of Captain America and Bucky's Story cause I had to work a big chunk of that out during this chapter anyhow. Some of it will peak through in later chapters... Anyhow enjoy. I don't think there are any TW in this chapter but hang tight the smut everyone has been looking forward will arrive eventually. I'm going for a bit of a slow burn so bare with me. Love you all and look forward to hearing what you think!

*~*~*

The door closed behind Steve as he left, and James and I were both left in stunned silence. I tilted my head to look into James' direction only to find a sly grin wide on his face, "See, I told you that he didn't hate you."

I shook my head my tears still threatening to fall but I couldn't help but feel a fraction less awful than I had before Steve had practically struck me with his words.

He reminded me that I had not failed my husband, in fact ensuring my safety had been his dying wish. How could I have even contemplated anything else? Shame was tempted to rise again before I shook myself swearing that I would do everything in my power to make sure that I did not let despair take me in its grasp again. I turned to watch the door where steve had departed and couldn't help but still feel disbelief that he had stood up for me against my own awful thoughts.

I leaned my head against James' shoulder and took a deep shuttering breath, "Thank you." I said looking up at him again from where I had rested my head, "I know you didn't have to come in here."

He shook his head, "Like hell I didn't," he almost sounded offended, "I know that it's only been a few days but honestly Evie, you seem to be the only person who gets it, like, really gets what it was like I mean."

I nodded not needing him to explain because he was right. He didn't need anyone to pity him, in fact it was the opposite, he wanted someone to treat him just like any other man. Even if in his long life he had seen more than most men should be expected to. Perhaps especially because of that. He also didn't need to explain to me the things that happened to him when he was with Hydra because in my world I had been there too. I had seen it. I lived it. I may have even done it right alongside of him.

"I do get it James, even though sometimes I wish that wasn't the case," I laced my fingers through his looking down upon them. His hand felt hot next to my icy flesh, "Sometimes I wish neither of us had to live with the things that we've done."

He didn't reply but he squeezed my hand in his, "I didn't think I would ever wish that someone had to go through what I have, but selfishly I am glad." His jaw was set tightly.

I bumped my shoulder into him a grin sliding onto my face, "I get it but that is cold Buck."

He raised his brows, "Should I be hurt? I feel like I should be- You've never called me anything but James before."

My grin widened, "Wanna know a secret Sarge?"

"Of course," he said his tone playful returning my grin.

"I have never called you Bucky because my uncle had a dog with the same name." He tilted his head back and laughed the sound erupting from deep within his belly and my heart warmed at it. I found myself grinning like an idiot.

"Are you kidding me?" His smile didn't lessen.

I shook my head, "Not in the slightest."

"Was it at least a cool dog?" He laughed again.

I shook my head, "All dogs are cool."

"I'm a cat guy." He leaned back on my pillow his hands beneath his head.

"Bucky was a basset hound." I smiled, "great big ears and kinda drool-y."

"Are we fighting?" he asked raising a brow his smile still on his face, "'Cause it kinda feels like we are fighting."

I laughed, which is what he wanted. I laughed and I didn't feel guilty like I may have an hour ago. "Thank you, James," I said sobering slightly leaning back on the pillows next to him. "It's only been a few days, but I feel like I've found my best friend again."

He turned his head to meet my eye, "It feels like I found the best friend that I didn't know I was missing.

I turned into him and set my head to lean against his shoulder, without a word he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and we stayed like that for hours.

*~*~*

When I awoke the next day, I felt exhausted as one can only feel when they had emotionally drained themselves. I had fallen asleep listening to James talk about how most of the music he listened to today was awful and the music from the forties had better make a comeback. I laughed and called him an old man to which he proved me correctly by threatening to write a letter to the radio station. He must have left after I had dozed off.

I rolled over and hugged my pillow to my chest. I buried my face in it and it still smelt like James.

Damn.

I only lingered in bed for a moment longer before I dragged myself out and padded to the restroom. I avoided the mirror today. Once I finished, I made my way back into my room sliding on a pair of underwear and selecting a sports bra from the drawer putting that on as well. I sighed as I picked up the grey shirt that James had given me the night before and then pulled on the same jeans that I had been wearing for the last two days.

Taking a deep breath, I left my room.

Strange trepidation filled me.

When I entered the common area, I was glad to find that it was empty, and I gravitated to the coffee pot like a lost puppy dog with its eyes finally set on home. I set the pot to brew and waited for it to finish. I took the cat mug from the dish rack in the sink and filled it to the brim with liquid.

I moved to the table and looked at the clock, it was barely past six in the morning, and I found it strange that neither of the men who resided here were present.

The Steve and James I knew were always early risers, to the door running before the world was awake, that being said I had to keep reminding myself that these men were not like those men that I knew so well. They had to be different in other ways. I had said this to myself the night before.

I took a long, glorious drink of my coffee, uncaring that it burned the hell out of my mouth. My weakness, a hot cup of coffee, it would be my downfall every time.

Sighing, I looked up from my mug to spy yellow legal pad sitting in the middle of the table. A grocery list printed neatly upon the page the lettering black blocky uppercase letters, Steve's handwriting.

Milk

Bananas

Cereal

Coffee

The last word was underlined a few times, smiling to myself wondering if he had noticed my love for the stuff already. I shook myself realizing I was looking too much into it. Beneath it I wrote:

Hair elastics

Oranges

Hand lotion.

There was about a hundred other things that I wanted to have but for now these things would have to do. The top item I needed and the other two well, I'd not had an orange in longer than I could care to remember. And after not showering for months at a time to have two showers in two days, my calloused hands were cracking and burning, and it wasn't as though I could go out and buy some for myself. Not until I got a job of my own at least. I ripped off the list from the top of the note pad and placed it back on the table before I pulled the notepad in front of me. I started writing a list of my own.

The things that I needed to get done.

The pen quickly blazed over the paper writing down everything that came to my mind, everything that I might need, everything I wanted to accomplish. It quickly changed from a list to a journal entry. The pen blazed over page after page, god it felt so good to write something after so long. When was the first time I'd written something down that wasn't detrimental to my very existence? I paused my writing to pour another cup of coffee from the carafe before a sat back down and continued. It must have gone on for hours when the sound of the elevator opening brought me back to myself. Suddenly self-conscious I flipped over the notepad before Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson walked into the room.

"You look better than the last time I saw you." Sam said striding right up to the coffee pot and pouting the last cup into his mug.

"A few hours' sleep a few nights in a row is liable to do that to you. Are you back already?" I asked referring to the mission I'd heard him talking to Steve about a few days before.

Sam didn't look surprised he just shook his head as he lifted his mug. When he set it back down, he sighed and said, "Not yet, I am supposed to leave tonight."

I nodded not sure what else there was to say. My eyes flashed to where Steve was standing only to find him emptying the coffee grinds into the trash can before beginning to make another pot.

"Steve says things have been a little tense around here." Sam said. He tilted his head to the side and sat next to me, "What's all this?"

I covered the notepad with my arms, "Nothing, just a few notes."

He nodded again pursing his lips, "Can I ask you something."

I nodded.

"Steve mentioned that you were looking for work." I nodded again in answer. He took a breath and leaned back in his chair, "I think that I might be able to help you out."

I sat up straight eager to hear what he was about to say, "Anything Sam, I will do anything."

Sam glanced over to Steve who despite his best efforts to look uninterested failed miserably to do so.

"I'm doing some work with the military," I nodded knowing this from hearing him talk about it a few days before, "I assume you have some experience with this sort of thing."

"I do," I bit my lip thinking carefully about what to say next, "I did some work over the years that I am less than proud of, but I am able to hold my own in a fight."

Sam raised his brows and leaned. Back in his chair putting his mug down on the table, "I will be leaving in a few weeks, I think I should be able to get you the proper identification in that time if I call in a few favours."

I all but jumped up and down, "That would be incredible Sam!" I grinned. "What can I do to help this along?"

"Steve already has a good part of it well under way, but there are a few things that we are going to need to move things on a little faster."

I couldn't help the surprise that flooded me. Steve was already working on this? I wondered what he was working on. I fought myself to look over to him. Though we had crossed a short bridge the night before to indicate that he did in fact not hate me. I couldn't help but feel that same bridge was a fragile one. I did interrupt his plans for the future and here he was extending an olive branch. Who was I to argue?

"So, what exactly does this work entail?" I asked.

Sam leaned back in his chair crossing on knee over the other, "Depends. They use me for my wings. I can get in and out of a place a plane or a helicopter can't. They very much like what red wing can do."

I grinned, "Who doesn't?"

Sam laughed, "I like you. You know that?"

"So, I guess you need to know what exactly I can do?" I bit my lip and I saw Steve move closer out of the corner of my eye.

"I don't think I have ever out right been asked before." I said thinking back.

My eyes flashed to Steve who had an intense look about him. As though he were ready to jump out of his skin depending on my answer.

"Well Evie, can I call you that?" I nodded, "Evie, think of it as a first," he wiggled his brows, then he sobered, "Listen I know you've been through a lot so if you don't feel comfortable, I totally understand."

"No, I'm fine." I said as I played with one of the corners of the paper pad. "Do you want to know my powers or the ordeal behind them?"

Steve answered, "Whatever you feel like we need to know."

"Maybe James should be here too." I spoke. "If I'm going to explain this it's only going to be one time and one time only." I tried to keep any emotion out of my voice.

"Sure," Sam turned to Steve, "where has Sir stares-a-lot gone off to anyway?"

"He didn't say but he hoped to be back before Evelyn got up." Steve said still not looking in my direction, his body was angled towards the coffee machine as though he could make it brew faster with a death glare.

There were a few beats of tense silence before I slid my chair back and stood the legs of the chair screeching against the floor.

"Where are you going?" Sam made to stand too.

"I'm just going to my room for a second," the truth was I couldn't stand the strange silence. I couldn't stand the fact that after last night's confession that Steve wouldn't even look at me, "Just call me when James comes back."

I left the room fast, and as I put my hand on the handle to my room, I realized I'd left the notepad on the table. Afraid that either of them might be curious enough to read it I turned back but when I got close, I could hear my name and I pressed myself against the wall and tried to stay as quiet as I could so Steve's sensitive hearing wouldn't pick it up.

"I don't know why you have to be so uptight when Evie is in the room." Sam said his tone filled with irritation, "The poor woman has been through enough she doesn't need you acting like an enormous ass."

I heard Steve sigh and pull out a chair, "I don't mean to Sam," he paused to fiddle with something. "It's just hard to just give in and trust that she in not here to do any harm."

"Bull-shit." Sam called him out, "You're just being touchy because she stepped on your plans."

There was another hard silence, "So what if I am?"

"There's no point that's what." Sam argued, "You told me that she is having a really hard time adjusting and I sure as hell don't blame her. Can you imagine someone opening a portal to a perfectly happy world while we were in mid battle with Thanos and pushing you though and say good luck to you, have a happy life forget about me and all of this shit. Let's go get a cheeseburger."

"Whoa, slow down," Steve said loudly before he realized he might have been yelling and spoke quieter, "I only had good intentions she wanted to get out, she said there was a threat that came from her world just that morning then she wants to go galivanting? Give me a break here."

"I'm trying man," Sam lifted his cup to take a drink. I heard him set it down, "But the thingy is, none of us can put ourselves in her shorts except for maybe Bucky, he was living in hell with Hydra and now he is expected to live a regular run of the mill life.'

My heart was pounding.

"I get it just fine too Sam." Steve sounded furious, "This hasn't all been sunshine and rainbows."

Sunshine.

I took a slow and steadying breath.

Steve continued, "Hell, I swore to her husband I would keep her safe, I lost out on my future because of that, and I can't help but see that every time I look at her."

My stomach dropped, I should have turned around then to walk back to my room and wait for them to being me back to hell with the notepad.

"That's not fair," Sam said coming to my defence.

"Why not?" Steve asked his own anger building as quickly as my fear of his next words, "She's been here for two days, two days Sam and my life is turned upside down. I'm a glorified babysitter and my phone won't stop ringing because of all the shit that bringing everyone back from the snap caused."

Sam stayed silent so Steve continued.

"When we brought all these people back, I thought... I thought that everyone would be grateful now look at it. It's a big mess and who do they want to fix it?" He paused, "Me. Captain. Fucking. America."

I was surprised at the profanity, but I understood the sentiment behind it. That was the downside of the mantle. Someone to blame when there was a problem and someone to go to when it needed fixing.

"Steve." Sam tried to calm him, but he only continued.

"You know, when I was going to go back, I was relieved that I didn't have to deal with this anymore. That it would be someone else's problem."

The silence in the room was thick after that before Sam broke it, "Whose problem?" More silence, "Mine. That's right, Bucky told me. You were going to give all of your problems to me." I heard Sam get up.

"Stop. Sam don't leave let me explain." Steve's voice was laced with worry.

"Nah, man, I get it you were done. But now you're not you have to stick around and help fix this mess just like me, just like Bucky just like each and every one of us who is left. Did you even think about Pepper? What she has to deal with?"

Pepper? That was twice now I've heard that name. Who is Pepper?

"What about Barton? I get that you've had the shitty end of the stick man, but don't take that all out on Evie. She has had it much worse."

"How can you tell?" Steve asked accusation filling his tone.

"I spent a long time working with vets who saw awful things, did awful things and they all have the same hollow look in their eyes when they get back. The only thing that helps is talking about it, being around other people who understand."

"I know that Sam I've seen that too." Steve sounded impatient.

"Then you would see it too. Cause I sure as hell do, that poor woman has lost everyone. Everyone. Show some of that compassion you used to have in droves."

"I can't." He said his voice so quiet now, "I just can't Sam."

I felt angry and sad all at once. I felt guilt and distrust all at once. Then I felt heat at my back, and I heard James' voice in my ear his chest pressed into my back, "He doesn't mean it, I know it sounds like he does but he doesn't."

Shivers slid down my spine as his hot breath tickled my ear. I turned looking up at him, "I think he does."

James' eyes held a regret that told me he didn't want to agree. "Don't worry about him, ok?"

I nodded because there was nothing else for me to say.

"Buck is that you?" It was Steve and I froze flinching slightly. James noticed and the corners of his mouth turned down.

"Yeah, it's me, I've got to put my stuff down, I'll be out in a minute." I noticed now that his hands were full of bags.

"Get Evelyn on your way back." Steve said before his tones with Sam became hushed and James ushered me down the hallway.

We moved down the hallway that went to my room my heart heavy, "Open the door for me, will you?" He asked his tone light as we got to my door."

I did as he asked and stepped to the side for him to enter ahead of me. When he entered, I followed him inside closing the door behind us. "What is all this?" I asked as he placed his armload of bags down on my bed.

"They're for you."

I furrowed my brow taking a tentative step forward. I bit my lip as I looked down. "What do you mean they're for me."

"As much as I enjoy seeing you walk around in my t-shirts all the time, I would think you want to wear something more your size." I looked at him. He was dressed in dark jeans and wore a lightweight navy jacket his hands currently jammed into the pockets. His hair was pulled back from his eyes tied at the back of his head, a few pieces had come loose but he seemed unbothered by it.

"James," I began carefully, "You didn't have to do this."

"I know I didn't ok just say thank you." He was embarrassed.

I looked back at the bags my hands itching to see what was inside. There was so much. At least six bags of all shapes and sizes.

"Not all of it is new, I only guessed your size, but the women at the stores were nice enough to help me."

I bet they were.

"How are the stores even open it is barely morning." I looked up from the bags I still had not touched.

"Some of it I got yesterday, the other stuff I had my doctor get for me. I just met her to get it, the rest I left in the car when we got lunch." He shifted from foot to foot.

"Thank you, James." I said frozen to the spot.

"Are you even going to look at it?" He asked his brows pulling together as he looked intently at the bags.

I did, but I was embarrassed too. He moved past me and dumped two of the bags upside down and then he caught my eye the two pink bags upturned on the bed empty and being slightly crushed in his grip. I gasped as piles of ladies' undergarments fell out.

James looked horrified.

I burst into a fit of laughter.

"Oh, James, you had to pick those bags huh?" I moved towards the bed and pushed them aside my fingers brushing against the soft and silky fabrics.

"I just grabbed the closest ones." He said defensively.

"Yeah, yeah," I teased, "Just don't ask for a fashion show."

He flushed and turned away.

I reached for the closest bag and dumped its contents onto the bed. Cotton T-shirt's fell out in an array of colours and a few pairs of jeans that looked to be my size. I dumped the next bag and A few more shirts came tumbling out. Tank tops, sports bras, and workout clothes all black I noted. I was pleased. The two other bags were quite large plastic bags tied at the top.

"Those were the ones the Doc gave me, they are donated, I hope they fit."

I swallowed thickly. I didn't feel like I deserved his kindness.

"Thank you, I mean it. You didn't have to do this for me." I smiled fully at him.

He ran a hand through his hair setting it all askew. I chuckled and moved towards him reaching up to brush the hair from his face. "It's weird to see you with long hair again."

He nodded, "I keep on planning to go for a cut."

I grinned again taking a step back. "Maybe I will change." I looked longingly at the pile of clothes especially the workout gear, it was what I usually lived in before... before everything always ready for a run. "I told them I would tell them about my powers, what happened to me."

Bucky went still, "You sure you're up for that?"

I nodded not looking at him anymore. I had walked over to the bed and began to work at the knot on the top of one of the bags to keep my hands busy, "I don't have a choice really. Sam says he can find work for me, but they need to know what I can do, and it is hard to explain without telling them about some of it."

James was silent.

"I want you to be there, Because my story is entwined with yours and if there is anything you don't want them to know I don't want to be the one to spill the beans you know?"

He nodded.

The plastic handles of the bag tore beneath my fingers and the clothes spilled out, and it felt like a metaphor to my life right now, messy and overflowing.

"I'll give you a minute Evie, I'll be in the kitchen."

I took a breath once he left the room my knees felt weak because of what I knew that I would have to do. Of what I would have to say. I sat down on my bed surrounded by the clothes James had brought for me and I took just a moment to steady and perhaps feel a little sorry for myself. After that moment was over, I took it upon myself to get it together. I stood once again and began methodically refolding the clothing and placing them into my empty drawers. I let my mind go blank allowing myself to concentrate solely on the task of tidying the mess.

Once done, I changed into the new black leggings and sports bra pulling James' grey t-shirt back on followed by a black oversized cardigan that had been in the bags from the Doctor. I longed for a hair elastic to pull my hair out of my face as nervous sweat began to bead on the back of my neck.

I tried to focus on the task at hand rather than on what the others might make of my past. I took a deep breath as I opened the door to my room and headed towards the kitchen. My bare feet made no noise across the ground just like I had been trained to do, so that no one would be aware of my presence. There was a heavy silence as I rounded the corner. James' face was set into a frown and his hair was now falling messily around his face. Steve was still leaning against the counter and Sam had a line between his brows like he hadn't liked what had been said before I entered the room.

I sat down next to James, and he slid a hair elastic across the table to me. I looked down to the offered object then back up to him, "I saw the list." He said his voice quiet his words just meant for me to hear. Gladly I accepted it with a smile of gratitude and tied my hair up piling it messily atop my head feeling a small amount of relief. A small piece of my heart warmed that he thought of me and put himself in discomfort just so that I could have what I desired.

I took a deep breath and stared down at the table.

"We are ready when you are." Sam said reassuringly.

I wetted my lips and opened my mouth.

*~*~*

"I will start at the beginning of the end I guess," I still did not look up from the spot on the table. I dragged my finger over a spot of stained coffee on its surface attempting to rub away the mess only managing to smear it across the surface. "You know I worked for Howard. You know that I was given preferential treatment because of my friendship with Steve and James. We were in the middle of war, and they wanted me to stay safe. Unfortunately, that didn't always happen."

My throat felt tight, but I continued anyway.

"Just before Steve and James went on their final mission together, the mission where James was thought to be killed in action. Days before they left there was a bombing at the building we worked out of in London and I was injured," I paused still hearing the sound of the shell hitting the building and the world shattering all around me, "I lost a lot of blood. The sheer amount of people who were hurt was," I paused, "Unimaginable, we hadn't expected the bombing, we weren't ready for it, but Hydra, hit us hard. It was difficult to get a hold of proper medical supplies, most of them were buried beneath the rubble of the hospital. James and I had the same blood type... so they gave me a direct transfusion. I should have died then too but I didn't, thanks to James... again."

I looked up to James who had a rather stern look on his face as if he already knew what that could mean.

"We didn't know then what Hydra had done to him when he was captured..." I bit my lips.

"What are you saying?" Sam asked.

"When Hydra first took James, before Steve had freed him, they had given him the serum, it was just not activated yet. It was a derivative of Erskine's Super Soldier serum."

Silence hung in the air for a moment.

"So, you're a Super Soldier?" Steve said his voice hard.

"In a way." I replied, "I don't have the same volume of serum you do, or James does in my veins, but I am by no means any less affected by it. I didn't grow muscles over minutes, it affects my strength yes, my speed yes but not my appearance, not like you or James."

"What else?" James asked realizing that there was more.

"It's a long story." I began.

"I think we should hear it." Steve said, and I couldn't help but agree, I could already tell just by looking out the window of this apartment that there was at least one major difference, and it made my heart ache just to contemplate the memory of it.

"After James fell from the train car, after he was considered killed in action. Steve took it hard, but I took it harder. James was my best friend. And while Steve buried himself in missions I was left to my own demise. I worked with Howard Stark, he tried his best to keep me busy but no matter how much work he gave me, I still worried that Steve wouldn't make it back from his missions. Just like Bucky. I was like a ghost of myself."

They could read between the lines, I didn't need to tell them how I cried all the time, that I didn't eat, that I barely slept. They didn't need to know that I was on the verge of something awful and that the only thing that kept me together was Steve. Even if he was barely there, I knew at least that he was alive, or at least that I had the hope that he was.

"Meanwhile, London was bombed to hell in the blitz. So, we were all kept on base so every piece of information that Steve was privy too, so was I. So, when the mission came to go to the Alps and destroy the last of Hydra's bases, I knew about that too. I went along with Howard and Agent Carter much to Steve's insistence that I stay back in London, but the thing was, that it wasn't safe anywhere... Hydra had harnessed the power of the Tesseract, their weapons where at a higher power than anything we had, so when Steve offered himself up to Red Skull as bait, to get himself inside their base. They'd had to sedate me."

"That seems extreme," Sam said.

"You are not wrong," I agreed balling my fists in my lap, "It didn't work as well as they had intended because none of them knew about the serum inside of me." I stood from the table and went to the fridge grasping a bottle of water and drinking it nearly all the way down to ease my aching throat. "It was the only time Peggy and I ever saw eye to eye. She and I disagreed about everything especially if it concerned Steve but when they tried to leave her behind too few both agreed we couldn't let them go in alone. We managed to follow them to the base anyhow." I looked up to find three sets of eyes trained onto me.

"So far everything tracks." Steve said to the others his jaw set and his blue eyes were trained on me eager to hear the rest of my retelling.

"We helped Steve get to Red Skull on the Valkyrie..." I looked up and met Steve's eyes head on, willing him to recall the moment just like I was. I could hear the sounds of fighting in the underground corridors, the monstrous weapons that were aimed at us. If not for Captain America, we would not have been able to complete this mission. We knew it then and I knew it now to be true for this world.

"When Red Skull tried to harness the power of the Tesseract, he nullified the bombs. We didn't know that then, but Steve made a choice that day, he chose me, instead of New York..." I felt that all too familiar ache in my chest every time I thought about it. "Captain America chose me. He put me, my life, my sanity, my heart over all of the lives that were lost when the Valkyrie crashed landed right into the Brooklyn bridge, destroying half of the city along with it."

"Shit." Sam said his voice heavy with disbelief.

"They didn't celebrate him, they villainized him, even if he was the one who saved all of the east coast, the world even, from Hydra." I couldn't look at any of them, but I could feel the heavy disapproval in the room. "But what they did him for it was worse. It was just as what Hydra did to James. They put him on ice, and I was left alone anyway." I took a deep breath crushing the now empty water bottle in one hand, "When the troops went back home when the war was over, I didn't go with them. I couldn't even look at Howard, God, I could barely look at myself. I was the reason he was gone, considered a war criminal. And no one stood up for him, except for me and they wouldn't even listen to me. All of my arguments fell on deaf ears, even the arguments from the rest of the 107th and Peggy Carter. None of what anyone said mattered because the cries of terror and anguish that rose from New York city were far louder than any other voice anywhere else."

I tossed the bottle into the trash and folded my arms across my chest angling myself to face the window where I could still see the destruction that scarred the city in my own world.

"New York was rebuilt, that is what New Yorkers do after all, they rebuild, and they move on. Captain America was eventually forgotten too. Not by me, never me. Hydra found me, I went down a spiral of drugs, alcohol, and other very bad choices. Hydra had their eyes on me from the very moment Steve crashed that ship and the government had imprisoned him. I had turned unbelievably dark in my grief-stricken destructive state, I think maybe I knew what was coming and this is exactly what Steve had wanted to avoid by choosing me. It turned out that Hydra was the one feeding me the hate, poisoning me, turning me into the awful creature I became. All so they could drag me to Siberia and turn me into The Thaw, the Winter Soldier's partner. Another tool to control him."

There was that same hard silence, the silence that felt heavy and hollow in my guts. I looked up and met Bucky's eyes, "James, fought. He fought so hard at the beginning, he was confused and heavily medicated, but the Hydra scientists could not make him comply. Not until they found me, I was both his salvation and his demise, because without me, there was no Soldier and with me he was unstoppable."

"So, you willingly became a cog in the machine." Sam asked his face hard.

I shook my head, "No, they told me they would kill him if I didn't do as they bid me to, they told him the same thing, so together we were our own destruction."

"That's not what happened here." Steve said his voice hard too, "they brainwashed him." His tone was accusing, like he held it against me. Like he thought that we had done Hydra's dirty work out of our own free will.

"Furnace...Benign...Rusted...," I felt James flinch across the room like it was my own. I could not stop because I needed to say the words. I needed to make sure that they still did not affect me, "One... Daybreak...Nine... Longing..." I looked fully to Steve whose face had gone pale his eyes flashing to James, "Seventeen... Homecoming... Freight Car..."

Silence.

A long silence.

James did not meet my eyes, "They brain washed the both of us. It was awful and I did not feel myself and I remember every moment of it. The pain of it, all of it, being frozen is not pleasant, it hurts, it hurts being thrown from a motorbike, it hurts being shot, being stabbed, and punched it hurts bleeding and it hurts killing. Every person I killed, and every person James killed chipped off a piece of my soul. I will never be the girl who saved two boys from a milk truck. That girl died in the war, and the one left would have just turned around and covered her eyes so as not to see happened." I remember so clearly what it was like to be under Hydra's thumb, being powerful and powerless at the same time.

"When Fury brought Steve Rogers back from his icy prison to save the earth from the re-emergence of Hydra, he did not know how broken all of us would be. He did not know how people like us were not destined to be anything other than the cause of even greater destruction." I shrugged, "Maybe Fury was right about us, maybe he wasn't. I don't know."

Steve left the room.

Sam watched him leave and he turned to me, "Can I trust you? Cause I'm not sure it's a good idea to send you on mission if that's how you feel."

"She'll be fine Sam." James spoke his voice barely a whisper. "She needs this." He spoke like he knew. Because of course he did. He knew as well as I that idle hands are the devil's playground. "She won't go anywhere without me."

"Hold on." I tried to interrupt but the men kept taking as though I wasn't there.

"I don't think sending you on a mission right now is a good idea either." Sam argued.

"Why? Do you think I am a liability? I fought Thanos too." Bucky's eyes were hard daring Sam to tell him he was wrong.

"You have court appointed therapy Buck." Sam interjected his shoulders tense as he moved to the edge of his seat leaning an elbow on the table as he pointed at James.

James mirrored his body language, "We all know that's a bullshit excuse. I don't need therapy."

"Sure, thing Bucky. Just like you don't need another hole in your head, but you know if you go out there," he pointed violently in a random direction, "you will most definitely get one."

"You don't think I can handle it?"

Sam scoffed and stood up, James followed again and now the men were face to face.

I shook my head moving towards the pair of them, "I may not know much about this world, but I know that this is all unnecessary." I placed myself between them letting James press himself into my back for a moment as he glared at Sam over my shoulder, "I want to go for a run am I allowed to do that?"

They looked at each other and then back to me, "I'll go change." James said but a voice from the door spoke loudly.

"Don't worry about it Buck. She can come with me." Steve stood in the doorway his looming form now dressed for a workout, "I was just going out myself."

Part of me wanted to change my mind but another part of me, a part of me that was a sucker for punishment, moved.

"I need to get my shoes." I left without giving anyone anymore words.