A/N: Song- So Far (feat. Arnor Dan) by Ólafur Arnalds. This chapter is got a few TW so please be cautious. extreme sadness, depression guilt and utter bleakness. It hurt to write this, I got caught in my own emotions too at the end. Loss is hard, hold tight to the ones you love. Grab a coffee and a blanket and enjoy this rollercoaster.

I felt great, for the first time in longer than I could recall. The late spring sun was hot, and just like I'd predicted, I had to remove my coat and tie it around my waist. My skin was warm to the touch and tinged pink from the sun and sweat had started to gather at my temples and at the back of my neck, my hair thick hot in the sun. I would have to ask them to find me some hair elastics so I could pull it off my neck, I would also need some more clothes, I wasn't opposed to wearing the same thing for months at a time, I had before but there had been no other choice. I frowned a little at the thoughts that overtook me. Thoughts that transported me back through the portal, the deserted landscape unrecognizable as the earth that thrived before me.  The landscape barren, barely a single living creature, crows and vultures and anything that could survive on the carrion of the creatures we had been able to defeat in battle.  Clothing came from whatever we could salvage from abandoned buildings that had not been destroyed by Thanos and his warriors. Even then the pickings were slim. 

Here in this realm, I would have to speak to someone about getting a job. Even then what would I even do for work, my skill set was perhaps useable could one really put mercenary on their resume? Perhaps I should talk to Sam. I had recalled him talking about the contract work he was doing for the military. That was more in my skill set. The more pressing matter should be how to become a citizen of this planet? Would the blip hinder or help my cause? It should make what happened easier for the government to swallow. Steve Rogers must have some connections, shouldn't he? I wondered if he would go that far to help me.

I scoffed imagining how that conversation would go in my head, because every conversation we'd had so far had ended in harsh words.  After that train of thought my happy mood was thoroughly dampened with all of those bleak thoughts. I figured it might as well be time to wrap up my outing and head back to the apartment.

I dragged my feet because I expected a fight, just like everything else had been for the last seventy years. When I entered the foyer, the large bodyguard behind the desk looked my way. He nodded in my direction before he picked up the phone on his desk and brought it to his ear.  I strode across the glossy floor my reflection staring back up at me after I pressed the button for the elevator. My thoughts heavy and my anticipation growing anxiously in my chest. I took a deep breath and looked back up to the doors. The wait for the elevator felt long, longer than it should be, and the room was eerily quiet. I turned back to see the guard giving me a weary look.

"I'm Evie." I said trying to look friendly unsure if I'd managed turning myself completely towards him taking a few steps in his direction.

He nodded and stepped around the desk. I gave him a quick once over appraising who I may be up against. His olive-coloured skin was all but covered by a fine cut black suit, a very expensive suit most likely provided to him by Stark industries. I could see the com device in his ear that disappeared into the collar of his shirt. I raised a brow in surprise when I saw the tattoos that edged the top of it and disappeared beneath it as well.

"Nice to meet you Ms. Evie." He spoke his voice thick with a Jersey accent.

My gaze flashed to his honey brown eyes, "It's just Evie."

"You can call me Nico." A cheeky grin lifted the corner of his mouth white teeth shining in the warm light of the foyer.

I turned fully and crossed my arms under my breasts cocking my hip letting a playful smile spread over my features, "So tell me Nico, on a scale of one to ten how much trouble am I in?" His grin intensified and he shook his head in disbelief as I continued, "One being none at all and ten being a Thanos level threat."

The elevator door opened with a chime and his smile fell instantly, "Thanos." He said hurriedly before he turned and sat back in his chair making himself very busy with the papers in front of him.

I turned with a raised brow and a cocky grin to come face to face with a very angry Captain America.

"Where have you been?" He began his tone loud and filled with an authority that I could barely ignore, "Do you know how worried Bucky has been?"

"Where is he?" I asked trying to look past him into the elevator for James.

"He is out there searching for you" he said pointing to the glass doors of the building, "I told you that one of us needed to be with you at all times."

I raised my brows lifting my chin high, "and I told you that I didn't need a babysitter. I am perfectly fine, thank you very much." I tried to move past him into the elevator, but he stood in my way folding his arms across his muscled chest as if it would intimidate me.

"Not so fast Evelyn," his eyes scanned me up and down, "where have you been?"

"Really can't we do this upstairs?" I asked. "poor Nico doesn't need to sit here and listen to your hysterics."

A flush spread high on Steve's cheeks as he looked over my head towards Nico who sat at the desk, trying to look anywhere but at the pair of us. His eyes flashed back to me his jaw set, "Just get in the damned elevator."

I narrowed my eyes and planted my feet, "If you are going to be rude about it, maybe I want Nico to hang around."

He took a deep breath and gave me an impatient look, "Evelyn," he said through his gritted teeth, "get in the elevator."

"Get in the elevator what, Steve? I know for a fact your mother taught you manners." I couldn't help the amusement that filled me at his complete and utter frustration with me.

"Enough Evelyn." He huffed.

I raised my brows and bit my lip giving him a look that just dared him to give me an ultimatum. I would make him regret it and he knew it.

He let loose a sigh of frustration realizing I would never give in, and he turned a furious gaze to me and with a tick of his jaw he spoke, "Please Evelyn, get in the elevator."

I moved passed him as I spoke a shit eating grin on my face, "See Rogers? Was that so hard?"

I could practically see the steam protruding from his ears as I walked past him into the elevator being sure to sway my hips a little more than I normally would. He followed behind me pressing the button to our floor and I was certain I saw the light behind the number flicker ominously as he pressed it down none too gently. I couldn't hide my smirk. If he was going to be a dick, then I would give him reason enough to be one.

Steve came to a stop in front of me his back to me while I leaned against the railing at the back of the lift, giving me an ample view of his... Assets. I took a quiet moment to appraise him, to watch him, I let my eyes linger like I had wanted since exiting the portal. Even if this man was not mine, I thought I might pretend for a moment that I could.  Swift grief swept through me realizing my own train of thought and the shame that quickly followed was all incumbent. As swiftly as the playful emotions had filled me enough to tease him about his manners my remorse and heartache filled me just as quick. I straightened wrapping my arms around myself, I hastily cast my gaze to the floor so as to look anywhere other than him.

The air in the elevator turned hot as if there was a fire burning in the corner as though my shame burned freely for all to see. Such shame filled me as my mind filtered through the events that had happened today. The clear flirtations between James and I at the diner, the banter just now with Steve. It was as though I was turning my back on the man I loved, only just after finding out he was truly gone. He wasn't even cold in his grave. How pathetic was I? How completely and utterly disloyal.

I bit my lip, wishing the ache in the back of my throat would just go away, just as I willed all of the warring emotions that burned through me to go away. Old emotions that I bore for James burned tightly in my chest, new emotions for this new more authoritative decisive Captain America, a man who never doubted a single decision he made. Yet I could not help but think of those blue eyes that were flecked with green looking towards me for guidance, I couldn't help but recall the sorrow that burned brightly in every gaze, that burned at the back of his mind because he always seemed to wonder if he made the right choice. I was scared and alone in a different sense of the word now because I was here alone with people that I knew everything about, but they knew nothing of me. I wanted nothing more than to be assured everything would be alright. I wanted to be rid of these ever-changing emotions that seemed to course through me like I was a god-damned teenager all over again. The skin that had just been hot and flushed from the sun cooled, the serum in my blood quickly scaling down the sun-pinked tinge of my flesh to a slight gold colour. Goosebumps rose on my flesh despite the overheated air.

This had to be the longest elevator ride of my life.  The space felt tight pressing in on me, the man before me seemed to take up all the room not just with his physical presence but all that he represented in this world and my own. I could tell that although his back was turned to me all of his instincts were harnessed completely on me. He held his shoulders tight his hands were balled into fists at his sides and his stance was ready for a fight. How could he not be? I had proven that I would fight and bait him the entire way. I couldn't stop because if I did... I would only imagine the way it felt to be held in his arms, I would only ever imagine those lips against my flesh, hot with want, and desire and all the things that I felt when I looked at him. I thought about how it would feel to have every inch of him pressed into every inch of me.  I thought of all of the things I had felt with my Steve, only it would have to be different, wouldn't it?

Decisions shaped people.

I had already seen this. I had seen how this man was different, he was more than mine yet less all at once. I could begin to see them as separate. I watched how he shifted his weight, the muscles of his thighs shifting in a way that made me tilt my head.

I swallowed thickly finding myself appraising him again.  I was so relieved when the door opened, and he stepped out. I followed him but said not a word. I turned down the corridor to head to my apartment and away from him.

"You don't have to stay locked in your room you know." His voice was hard and soft all at once.

I turned meeting his gaze, the same gaze that pinned me to the spot, "How could I not think that, Steve?" I asked my voice ragged. "I- I need some... I need..." I couldn't speak the words that wanted to escape me. I didn't even know what they were supposed to be.

His brow furrowed at my sudden change in demeanour, and he tilted his head to the side. "I am only trying to look out for you."

"How can you say that?" I asked, his words only seemed to split my shaky resolve, "You have only looked at me like I am the bad guy, like my entire reason for being is to piss you off."

He took a deep breath, and he tilted his head to the side his eyes never leaving me alone, "Listen, I know that we haven't gotten off on the right foot, I know that you think that I hate you and if I'm going to be honest I might have just a little bit."

If it was at all possible the pain in my chest grew like it had been cracked open with an axe. I looked away unable to see the brutal honesty in his expression. I couldn't look at the set of his shoulders or how he angled his body towards me when he took a step forward to lessen the distance between us.

"Evelyn," he said the ache pulsed vibrantly when he said my name, "I'm not the bad guy, and neither are you, but this situation isn't something that either of us are equipped for you have to see that."

I pulled my lip between my teeth at the sincerity in his voice and looked down to the ground, his black boots clean from dirt and dust, because he had not trampled armies today, he had gone for lunch with his friend and a stranger that had ruined his chances for happiness. He was not fearful for his friends and family, not anymore, he had done that and come out the other side. Yet still he was unhappy, still he wished for more.  I felt the tears gather in my eyes in mourning for me and in mourning for him as well.

I was surprised by a warm hand on my chin, pressing gently at the skin there pulling my lip from between my teeth. I looked up to find him closer now than he had been, and my breath caught. "Stop doing that."

I furrowed my brows, and I balled my hands at my sides to keep from reaching out to him. He leaned forward and I couldn't keep my eyes away from him as yet even closer he came. I had to crane my neck just to keep my eyes on him. My heart picked up speed and my mouth went dry. I could see the pulse at his throat quicken as well.

What is happening?

I opened my mouth to say words but there was none to come out there was nothing it was like my brain had gone on hiatus

"Evelyn," his voice was a whisper and a plea.

BING.

The elevator doors opened, and Steve took a wide step back just as James burst from the Elevator, "I can't find her." His voice had the edge of panic, and he was breathless," I've looked-." His voice cut off when his eyes fell on me and relief washed his features, "There you are." He stepped towards me placing his hands on my shoulders holding me slightly away from him to take a visual inventory to make sure that I was unhurt, "Are you ok what happened?" he asked, "You said you would come right back here Evie, so when we got back, and you were gone..." he stepped back running his fingers though his windblown hair. It had fallen from the elastic and was wild about his face, "I thought that the man Strange warned you about got to you."

I shook my head not just to answer him but also in an attempt to kickstart my brain. "No James, I'm sorry you worried, I just needed a few minutes to myself to think, to see the city." I looked to Steve then to James. "Really, I know I should have come right back. I will do better."

James' eyes roared my body once again ensuring I was alright confused by my sedated reaction. "Just, don't go off on your own, ok?" His tone was sincere, and he took another step closer, and I couldn't let myself step back, but I knew I should. If not for my dead husband, then for Steve who had his stone gaze set upon both of us disapprovingly.

"I need a shower," I blurted.

Both men blinked.

James chuckled, "You don't need our permission for that." He sobered a moment, "you actually don't need our permission for anything." He turned to Steve, "What have you been saying to her?"

I smiled at him softly, "He didn't say anything James," I said trying to diffuse the hard stare between the two of them. "I was just heading to my room. I need to shower."

"Like Bucky said Evelyn, you don't need our permission for that.

I sighed, "I know I don't, but the thing is," I shifted feeling uncomfortable, "I don't have any more clothes than what I have on. I mean, I have a few more undergarments in my room but this shirt and these jeans are all Bruce gave me." I motioned down to what I was wearing. I felt like a child, "I don't exactly have any money, or a job or an identity here but if I could just get a clean shirt that would be-."

I broke off looking up to Steve whose face had gone pensive his eyes soft, then to James who just looked surprised and slightly embarrassed along with me.

"What?" I asked.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" Steve asked.

I tried to hold back the annoyed expression that flashed across my face but failed miserably, "When was I supposed to say that. I'm having a hard enough time without asking for more handouts, you have both extended your hospitality far more than most might after the situation I've put you all in. Besides you haven't been the most patient person with me in the first place."

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, he was flushed embarrassed and irritated that I had voiced my thoughts so honestly with him.

Rather than listening to anymore fighting James spoke up, "Come with me and I'll find you something."

I nodded and turned to follow James down the hallway but not before turning to look over my shoulder to find Steve's darkened gaze firmly meeting mine. A thrill slid down my body at that look, but I swallowed thickly trying to push away those emotions.

*~*~*

James had offered me a few of his t-shirts and tried to offer me a pair of his too big sleeping pants, but I shook my head, knowing I could get at least one or two more days out of these jeans. So, he led me back to my room with a few words before we parted ways.

"Tomorrow I will get in contact with the folks at the Global repatriation council and see what they can do to help you ok?" he leaned his forearm on the door frame beside my head leaning towards me the hem of his t-shirt rising at the waist. I concentrated on keeping eye contact, "but we will both make sure you are taken care of Evie."

Him and Steve.

I nodded, "Thanks James."

He looked at me a moment longer, "I'll just be out there," he pointed back with his thumb in the direction of the shared kitchens, "if you need me."

I nodded again and closed the door letting loose a breath that I didn't realize I was holding. I was going to have to physically fight back all of these emotions that I held for both of these men. I blamed it on being isolated for so many years, and my emotions going haywire with the change of universes. That had to be it.

Didn't it?

Guilt pulsed heavy in my chest.

I sighed stepping into the bathroom, wishing that there was a tub for me to soak in, but unfortunately for me I would just have to live with the stark white shower.

I untied my coat from my waist letting it fall to the floor the stone thudding heavily on the tile floor before I peeled off my sweaty shirt and bra. I slid down my jeans and stepped out of my panties before I turned the water on. I let it warm for a few moments taking a minute to look at my reflection in the mirror.

There I was. The same woman that was always on the other side of the reflection. Yet this time with a bright flush high on my cheeks, my eyes more alive than I had seen them in so long, even if the dark circles under them had not changed.

I tore my gaze from the mirror and stepped into the shower, standing under the hot water letting it wash away the grime of the city and the sweat from my skin. I lathered my hair and my body, I conditioned and scrubbed and shaved then I turned the water to a shockingly cold temperature. I let the icy water stab my skin in hopes that it would ebb the ache within my chest. I'd hoped that maybe it would numb all of the pain that felt like it had burrowed just beneath my skin like a tattoo plain for all to see. I hoped that it would freeze and quell the array of emotions that warred within me. And give me answers that I so longed to hear.

It didn't help, it did nothing but make my tensed jaw ache and my muscles tense painfully.

I stayed under the water until I shook and shivered, until my teeth chattered violently in my skull and my body felt the pain that my mind and my heart bled with.  I shut the water off and stood in the shower stall listening to the water drip from my both my hair and body onto the glaring white tile. I wrapped my hair and body mechanically in a fluffy white towel as though I was on auto pilot. 

I entered my bedroom.

I stood there.

God, I just stood there.

I stood there and I wished more than anything that if I lay on this bed right now, I would wake up and find myself in the modest queen-sized bed Steve had bought for us. I hoped that I would wake up in that little yellow house with the white picket fence that we had found together. In the place that was our happily ever after, just for us and whatever family might come to us. I ached at the thought of our plans for the future. All before Thanos had ruined everything.

All before each and every thought of happiness was torn away replaced by war and death and loss and a thousand other things that at the end of the day just meant that we would never be together.

I thought maybe I should cry.

I thought maybe I should scream and carry on for the loss of my husband. For my world for the life that should have been.

Maybe I should mourn and take ten-thousand years to get over my loss.

But I knew that would never be enough time.

Not when I was forced to look at his face every day.

I would never get over it.

I dropped the towel to the floor not bothering to pick it up and I pulled on one of the t-shirts Bucky had given me. I slid it over my head my body still damp, the black fabric brushed the tops of my thighs and shivering I crawled under the covers of the bed. I was uncaring if it was still day, uncaring that my hair was still wrapped in a towel. Uncaring that there was two men down the hall who made me feel things I didn't want to feel.

Alone.

I was alone.

No matter what either of those men in this world had to endure they would never know.

They would never know what it was like to be the last of us. They would never know the pain the regret the longing the feeling of complete and utter failure.

I had failed.

I had failed them all and I continued to fail them.

I was gutted with shame and fear because I was not two days on this planet, and I was acting like none of the awful things that had happened to me ever really did. Guilt burned hot and fresh that I was able to stroll in the sunshine or even let the hint of a smile touch my lips.

Or that I was able to look at James and want to hold him and I was able to look at Steve and want him to kiss me.

A loud sob overtook me, and I knew once I started to cry that I would never stop. I tried to stop it.

I tried to stop all of it.

I tried and I failed.

I clutched James' t-shirt to my chest as though it was the only thing that could staunch the wound there. It was like my hold there was to keep my heart physically in my chest. But the thing was is that it had cleaved in two and there was no stopping the pain that poured out of me. It was as though I had an actual open wound and instead of tears that fell from me it was my blood. I wanted to feel nothing, and I craved the only thing I felt I deserved and that was my end.

My final destruction.

I rubbed my thumb over my wedding ring feeling the small inscription upon its surface.

Sunshine.

My breath caught.

The way he would say that name. The name he had given me.

Sunshine.

I could see the adoration in his eyes even now, and it made my tears fall even faster. I was his sunshine, and he was my whole world.

"There is no growing darkness within me Evie as long as I have the sun at my side." He took my hand in his and pulled me onto his lap.  We sat on the porch swing he had just installed, the morning light cast a brilliant glow over the pair of us the hot summer air warming our skin, "You are my Sunshine, you are my everything. My past," I smoothed my hand over the scar on his face, the scar that he had received saving me from my grief, saving me from losing both James and him, "my present," he continued stroking my wedding ring with his thumb, "and my future." He pulled me close and kissed me. His skin was warm and hard against mine, but his lips were soft and gentile. He was the boy I had saved, and I was the girl who needed him to save me too. We saved each other.

I could feel tears of happiness well in my eyes, "I love you." I said.

"Till the end of the line." He replied.

The memory of one of our final moments of peace washed over me and I could not stop the onslaught of grief that then washed over me. I heard the sound of footfalls down the corridor and then my door opened and then I was no longer alone. When James came close, I reached for him and clung on his arms wrapping around me. I held on as though my life depended on it.

Because it very well did.

"You're ok," he said moving the towel that had fallen from my head at some point and brushed my hair out of my face.

"I- I can't do this." I said through my cries, "I should have died with him, I can't be here without him."

Steve POV

The way she clung to Bucky made my heart break for her but the words that fell from her lips were worse than any physical blow I'd ever felt.

For a moment I pondered turning around and leaving them to hold onto one another, he deserved that. He deserved to be happy,

"...I can't be here without him." Her words echoed in my mind.

Her husband.

Her Captain America.

Her Steve.

Her reason for being.

An irrational part of me wanted to tell her that I was here, that she didn't need to feel this way, that I would do my best to take care of her just like I had promised him I would. Like I am sure that he had promised her. I had seen the fear in his eyes, my eyes when he had begged me to let nothing happen to her. Had he seen this? Did he know that she would be eaten alive by only what I can assume was guilt? Because I had guilt too, I had guilt because we lost so many good friends. Nat, Vision, Tony... I would trade places with any of them in a moment if it meant that they would be able to live long happy lives with the ones they loved.

But what she was going through none of us would be able to understand, not unless she wanted to share it with us. If she could feel comfortable doing so. I felt myself take a step from the place I stood at the door, watching Bucky try to sooth her. But nothing he did seemed to do much of anything, She clung to him as though her life depended on it and in a way that was probably the case.

I knew there was something in my chest building already for this woman, something that I shouldn't acknowledge but earlier had Bucky not come back when he did... Would I have truly kissed her?

I chastised myself because how dare I be thinking like this when this woman before me was in such pain. Knowing that I was most likely part of the reason why.

I found myself taking another step closer.

"Evie, you need to calm down, I've got you, I won't let anything hurt you not even yourself you hear me?" It made my chest ache to hear Bucky talk like this, because I knew sometimes at night when he thought I slept I know he roamed the apartment unable to sleep unable to cope with what he had done as the soldier. That deep down he longed to have someone say those very words to him. I just wished when it happened the next time, he would remember this moment. The moment when he put aside all of his feelings and embraced the woman who needed it. I knew already she would do the same for him. I knew how much it troubled him to be touched and to touch others, afraid he might hurt them, but with her he had freely given it, even when she hadn't asked.

I had been jealous earlier today.

But I wasn't now.

I was concerned for her, for the pain she was in, and it frightened me because I could never remember feeling this way for a person before. Especially in such a short amount of time. Especially when it was unwanted by the both of us.

I didn't want her.

But I didn't want to see her cry either.

Before I realized it, I was beside her on the opposite side of the bed to Bucky looking down at them. I sat next to her and when she felt my weight dip the mattress, she turned to me a surprised expression covering her features. Bucky too could not hide his shock that I too was going to offer my help. I don't even think he realized I followed him down the hallway when we heard her start screaming.

"Evelyn," I reached out letting my hand push back a strand of dark wet hair that fell in front of her face, "I know I don't understand what you are going through, but I know enough. When Fury took me from the ice, I was the only one left... I thought that everyone I ever knew and loved was gone. But I was wrong." I swallowed hard my eyes flashing to Bucky seeing his raw emotions splayed out too. I looked back to her, and her cries ebbed as she listened intently to my words. It was as though she continued to breathe just to hear my words, "I know seeing us must be so unbelievably hard, because we aren't the men you knew but in same breath we are."

She sat up her eyes wide, Bucky's hand moved to her lower back rubbing small reassuring circles there, "Steve-" her voice was thick with tears and her thin hand reached for mine. I let her, "I don't see you as my husband, you are not the same man. Actions shape people and you have... had..." she paused to take a breath, to steady herself, she looked so small so afraid, "you both lead very different existences." She moved her hand up to rest on my cheek and I let her, "He had a scar here, from the war." Her thumb traced down the side of my face, "and his eyes were forever haunted by the decisions he made then." Her lip trembled and she pulled her hand away, but I stopped her placing my hand over hers her green eyes pitted with sorrow. "I failed them, I failed all of them."

I shook my head, "You're here, you're alive. He wanted you safe, he gave up his life to keep you that way. Don't make his sacrifice meaningless." I held my breath because for a moment I thought maybe I had overstepped my boundaries. Her face was filled with so much emotion that it seemed to bleed from every part of her. I let go of her hand and still hers lingered on my face for a moment longer before she let it fall to her lap.

"I will keep you safe Evelyn." I said voicing my promise to him again.

For her.

I stood unable to be so close for any longer. I was afraid if I was, I might take hold of her and never let her go. But I knew that was not fair, not for her, and not for me. Because she couldn't look at me without seeing him, no matter what she said, and I couldn't look at her without seeing what might have been for me...

In another life...