A/N: I've been sitting on this chapter for a day or so 😅 Anyhow enjoy this one

**TW** mature content

I was equal parts angry and turned on as I stomped away from Steve.

I was also very relieved when I got back to my room to find that James was not there waiting for me. I needed a minute just to think about everything that had happened, from James to Steve and all of the things that had been said. Once inside I turned and locked the door and headed straight to the bathroom to shower stripping my clothes feeling naked before I even left them in a pile on the floor. My mind was swimming, not just because of the kiss with Steve and with what I had been ready to do with James, but one thing Steve said rang over and over in my mind. Those words filled me with a heavy trepidation.

I mourned for Peggy for years. Years! I still mourn her and here you are not days past your husband's death in bed with someone else!

His words had cut, and they had cut deep but I understood where they had come from. I too had been surprised that I had been so willing to give myself to James yet at the same time I was not ashamed that I had been so willing to. I was not ashamed for the connection that we shared or the emotions behind them.

I stood under the water, letting the scalding liquid pinch at my skin, the pain was welcome my flesh turning pink beneath the steaming water. Though my skin had been wiped clean while I had been passed out by most likely James, I still felt filthy from the battle with the demons and the grave injury I'd endured. The water felt like heaven, washing away my sins. I stood under the steaming streams for ages unwilling to leave the confines of the shower, like this place was my only reprieve from the world, like everything outside of these walls could not affect what was within. Here there was nothing that could hurt me, here there was nothing to regret, here there was nothing that I could wish was different.

I found myself no longer pining after my dead husband if only for the moments I was there in my solitude, much like when I was with James. I slid down the shower wall the tears that begged to fall I did not allow and for a moment I made myself feel numb to all the pain that I should be feeling. The only sensation that I let in was that of the steaming water pelting me.

Steve wanted those words to hurt, and they did, they cut deep, deeper than any wound I could have received in battle because there was a part of me that was screaming them too.

Betrayer.

It seemed to yell. I pushed away those awful thoughts deep down where they couldn't do any more damage.

Before long I was clean, and my skin was pruned, and bone aching wariness took me from my haven, and I emerged. Not newly born, but something else, something akin to a new sort of resolve flowed through me. Although firm decisions had not been made there were things that were abundantly clear.

I most definitely cared for James, that was without question. He was so like the man from my universe, yet he wasn't and that was a blessing, because we had gone through so many awful things together, he didn't see me as a witness to his crimes, and he was not a witness to mine. It was as though we could say I understand and that made everything better. It had made us being together a blessing rather than a curse or a reminder of what had been done to us... or by us...

When my James had been the soldier we leaned on each other, we used each other in every way possible and when we emerged from the other side there was times that we could barely look at one another. I didn't feel that with James here, all I felt was a kinship and I would never burden him with what became of my relationship with James from where I was from. Here I longed for his touch without the guilt of what us being pushed together had caused, and he was so different than my James, the man here was more mine than the one from my world had ever been. His eyes were even different, there was a softness in this man's gaze not a hardened gaze that held a modicum of blame when they looked upon me. Here I had found my friend.

I stepped into my room and pulled James' navy t-shirt back over my body and crawled under the covers of my bed the sheets soft against my bare legs. I knew sleep would not come, afraid of what I might see if I closed my eyes, but I longed for the silence to take me away from my own rampant thoughts.

Those thoughts did not quiet. I thought of Steve. The way he had touched me in the kitchen had set me on fire. The guilt fresh, guilt not for my husband but for James. Yet still my mind wandered to the heated kiss the possessive all-consuming sensation of his touch, his anger and his hate was steeped in every motion and every touch, every demanding press of his body into mine. Again, it only made the desire burn all the more brightly.

I sighed.

I stared sightlessly up at the ceiling.

For what felt like endless hours I stared at the ceiling willing my mind just to still, but it never did. It jumped from James to Steve and then back again.

Eventually I gave up on any sort of rest and moved to the door of my room unlocking it and easing it open listening for any noise. Nothing but silence filled my ears. Satisfied that I would not find anyone in the common area I left the confines of my room and brewed a coffee. Again, I reached for the same cup I had used since arriving and held the mug in my hands letting the warmth seep into my skin pleasantly. I drank deeply letting it burn my throat on the way down hoping it would ease the ache in my chest.

It did not.

Mercifully, no one joined me, I refilled my mug and headed to the roof.

When I opened the door, I was again pleased to be on my own, the sky was just starting to glow on the horizon as the sun rose and I sat next to the door, where James and I had sat on that first night and I held the warm cup curled in my hand the steam rising in the cool morning air all while I stared out into the distance.

The coffee cooled and the sun had risen to warm the rooftop, a familiar voice came from the open door beside me.

"I thought I might find you here."

It was James.

I looked up to him as he came to stand before me.

"Hey," he said gently, "Can I sit?"

I nodded and he slid down the wall next to me.

"You cold?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Do you need anything?" I smiled gently at his question, but I shook my head again looking away.

"What's the matter?" he asked, I couldn't meet his eyes because now that I saw him the guilt for kissing Steve ate at my insides like a thousand tiny insects.

My heart clenched, "Steve kissed me," the words fell out before I could stop them. I swallowed and looked down at my cup not waiting for him to speak, not listening for a reaction I continued, "and I kissed him back."

He let loose a loud breath, but he didn't respond.

I looked to him now and his eyes were trained on his folded hands that rested across his bent knees, his brow pinched. He just nodded silently as though he was not surprised, his lips pressed together tightly.

"Are you mad?" I asked not sure how I wanted him to answer, if he was angry, it was justified it wasn't as though we had a chance to even speak about what happened between us and what it might mean.

He continued to stay silent for a moment, and I thought that he might not answer but he took a deep breath before he finally spoke, "I'm not mad... I'm not happy either." He looked up to meet my eyes, "I'm not fucking surprised either."

I gulped.

He continued shaking his head as he looked away and out to a point between us on the ground.

"I don't want to fight James," I admitted, "I know things have been tense and I know that it is my fault. I don't want to get between the two of you, but I also don't want this to get between you and I either."

He nodded as he ran the tip of his tongue over his bottom lip.

I held my breath as I waited for a response.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked, and I was surprised by the question. I did perhaps understand the thought behind it, Steve had not been very pleasant to either of us before I had sent James away last night, nor did his display of anger with the lamp speak for his future actions. Yet I knew deep in my soul that Steve Rogers would never raise a hand to hurt me regardless of how angry he was, that was just not him, I was sure James knew that too.

I shook my head, "No, he didn't hurt me as a matter of fact it was me who hit him pretty hard."

He grinned and chuckled a bit, "I should tell you I'm glad and that maybe I'm sorry I missed it."

There was silence as he looked at me now and I easily returned his gaze. My eyes dragged over every part of him, he was shirtless, and he wore a thin pair of black cotton pajama pants that I knew would be soft if I reached out and touched them. He wore dog tags around his neck and as I caught the name on them, I was surprised.

They were Steve's.

I reached for them and took them in my grasp running my fingers over the indent of his name, "These are his." The metal was cold against my already cold fingers.

He nodded. "He gave them to me before... he gave them to me when he thought that he wouldn't be coming back, I–I guess I should give them back now huh?" he looked down at them then back up to me.

I let them fall back to his chest placing my hand over where his heart beat slowly in his chest, and I kept his gaze, the steel of them glowing in the early morning sunlight. For a minute he looked like the boy, I knew all those years ago, those eyes filled with an enormous hope for the future, for his future, a future he never got to have.

"I think this says a lot about the loyalty you share with him James," I let my fingers press into his flesh, "I think that he wanted you to have them because he loves you, and I think you're still wearing them because you love him too."

He raised a brow and broke my gaze turning towards where the sun began to shine atop the skyline, "I think I feel a lot of things for Steve right now and love might be at the very bottom of the list."

Oddly my heart clenched at that, knowing that I was the cause of this fracture between them. I never wanted to come between them, "I don't want you to feel like that. I don't want to be the one to put a wedge between the two of you."

He put his hand over mine pressing my palm more firmly against his chest, "You aren't."

I could hear the lie in his words, but my heart warmed that he lied so as not to hurt my feelings, because he cared enough about me already to do so. I set my mug down beside me the silly cat face upon it regarded me as I broke my gaze with James. "I need you to promise me that, whatever comes of this," I motioned between the two of us pulling my hand from beneath his grip, balling in my lap, "That it won't come between you and him."

I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet them.

"Evie," I loved the sound of my name falling from his lips. I loved the way the gravelly tone of his voice seemed to caress my name like it was only his to utter. I could feel myself leaning closer to him sharing the same breath, "I promise I will never hurt you, and if that means putting whatever male pride that might be aching to go down there and punch his face in then so be it."

I laughed surprised by his words my eyes flicked to his.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked suddenly, and I felt relieved, that he still wanted to.

I nodded again, because any words that would have fallen from my mouth would have been pointless because yes of course I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to do so much more to me than just that. I leaned further into him just as he leaned into me pulling me closer to him. The t-shirt crept up my thighs and I knew if he looked down, he would be able to see all of me, from my peaked nipples beneath the thin fabric to the heat between my thighs that was now borne with the way I leaned into him. He knew it too and for both of our sakes he kept his eyes on mine, when his lips touched my own it was like all was right in the world for those moments. His hand went to the back of my neck resting gently there as he cradled it in his grasp. His touch was light, and my skin pricked beneath it eagerly.

I was molten in his embrace.

I wanted nothing more than to do this with him for the rest of my days. Within his embrace it was like there was finally peace in my mind. I could stop thinking, wondering if I was doing the right thing because I was.

Being with James felt so right.

Like it was what was written in the stars.

His metal arm snaked around my waist and tugged me closer, my t-shirt baring my ass to the cold air, my wet pussy throbbing with need of him. I found my hands again pressed against his chest, the skin smooth and hard beneath my fingers. My legs had come astride his hips much like they had in my bed earlier, the thin cotton of his pants the only thing between us. His muscles flexed under my touch as though the press of my skin set lighting across him, making every part of him clench with anticipation of what may come.

I had never felt anything like this from just a kiss.

My head swam as though I was floating, and I sighed into his mouth letting my muscles go liquid. We kissed, and kissed my lips numb but I didn't want to stop, I never wanted to stop, I wanted him to take me right here on this roof I didn't care who saw. Breaking the kiss, he leaned his forehead against mine taking a deep shuttering breath, his lips vibrant pink and swollen, he had never looked more alluring.

"I don't want to stop." He said his voice thick with desire.

"Then don't," my voice was just as thick as his, husky with yearning, and I leaned into him again.

He groaned, his hold on the back of my neck tightening for a moment as he held me back, "I can't." he conceded, "I have to meet with Dr. Raynor."

"So early?" I asked knowing it had to be not much later than six in the morning.

"I want to take my time with you," his words shot right to my core his hands sliding down my back to cup my behind, "I don't want to rush, I don't want to start and have to stop before either of us can walk straight for a few days."

My breath caught. I bit my lip as my mind wandered to the image he pressed into my mind.

He dipped his head back down for another kiss, "Come on let's go inside, your skin is starting to feel like ice."

It didn't feel like ice to me, I felt like I was on fire.

*~*~*

I stayed with James until he had to leave. I lounging on his bed while he readied for his visit with the therapist, sometime between kisses and him dressing we had made plans for dinner that night. An old-fashioned date he said, my head was in the clouds, and I felt like a teenager, a sensation I never quite remember feeling. Not allowing the dark thoughts in the back of my mind to push themselves forward, at least while he was here.

Once he had left, I made my way back to my bedroom. It wasn't that I wanted to stay in my room until he got back, it was just a matter of trying to avoid Steve, I wasn't sure if having another conversation with him would go that well even if I did want to understand why he'd thought to kiss me. What it meant. Even if my mind blistered with all of the millions of questions that rushed through it.

I changed into some fresh clothes, light blue jeans, and black v-neck tee that I tucked into the front of my jeans.

There was a knock on my door and my stomach danced. I moved barefoot to it and opened it slowly it was Steve, his face all business, tall and handsome as he looked down at me. He handed me a plastic bag with a shoebox in it.

"I need to head to the airport, Sam leaves today to go overseas, he said he had something for you." I took the bag he all but shoved into my hands looking inside.

I narrowed my eyes for a moment, "What is this?" Was this some half assed apology?

"New shoes, your other ones were ruined, Bucky had me get them while you were out."

I opened the box to find a pair of black boots in my size similar to the ones I had before. Pulling them on I turned back to Steve who was waiting for me at the door to my room. I reached for the oversized cardigan sweater and followed Steve down the hallway. He never offered any excuse or explanation for his actions the night before or a single apology. In fact, he barely looked at me, I felt my own anger begin to heat up from within.

We walked side by side out of the apartment to the elevator and he took us down to the garage level where I found myself then getting into a black SUV. Still, he did not say a word.

"Buckle up," he said sternly finally breaking the silence as I sat waiting for him to start driving.

I huffed fighting not to say something snarky, but I did as he asked. Folding my arms in front of me I turned to look out the window as he drove. "What does Sam have for me?" I asked unable to stand the silence any longer as we pulled out of the parking garage and onto the road.

He shook his head, "I don't know."

I pursed my lips and turned back to the window. The drive was longer than I had anticipated, and we drove in a heavy silence so many questions on the tip of my tongue begging to be asked. Finally, I could no longer hold myself back, "Are you not even going say anything about last night? Are you going to apologize?"

His brow raised and he looked in my direction and for a moment I didn't think he was going to answer, "I'm not sorry."

I must have gaped at him like a fish because he grinned, "How dare you." I said finally when I got over my surprise. "This is not nineteen forty anymore Rogers, you can't just go kissing women without their permission."

Even if it was incredibly hot.

That damned inner voice needed to quiet herself down.

He sighed like he was trying to find the right words and he was quiet for a moment, "Listen, I am sorry that I didn't ask you if I could kiss you, but I am not sorry that I did."

"What about James? Kissing me hurts him, I can't believe you would want to hurt your friend." Because it had hurt James, I wanted to say.

I could tell I had struck a nerve and his expression looked troubled, "I don't want to hurt Bucky, I don't want to hurt you either. I don't know what it is I'm feeling anymore. One minute I wish that you never fell through that portal the next minute all I can think of is never knowing you and I don't know which one bothers me more."

My brows rose now too, and I shook my head not sure if I should be insulted or not, "Wow, Rogers, you sure know how to sweet talk the ladies."

His eyes flicked to me then back to the road his jaw tense, "I'm not trying to sweettalk you, ok? I was really worried when you got hurt, I have been beside myself trying to find ways to help you," he sighed helplessly, "I know I'm doing this all wrong but Evelyn, I'm serious when I say that I don't want you to go anywhere, not back through the portal, not away from here or Bucky and especially not me." I tried to contain my surprise at his words because he had made me feel anything but wanted since I had arrived here, "I don't know what it is," he continued, "I seem to have fallen into the same spell Bucky has."

"Oh?" I felt my hackles rise at his connotation, "And what spell is that exactly?"

"Yours." He said as though it was the simplest thing in the world. His words seemed to hit me like a punch to the gut in their honesty, but it angered me that he was now being this honest. It wasn't fair not to me and not to James.

"You know just because I was married to the Steve Rogers in my universe doesn't mean that you have a claim on me." What was he playing at?

His grip on the wheel tightened, "I know that!" his tone was harsher than he had intended, and I could see that as he desperately tried to reign in his intense emotions, "It's just that I saw that in another life..."

I raised a brow.

"I could have been happy." The emotions that were rolling off of him were painful, so painful it was plain even for me to see through my anger. I had not seen how lonely this man truly was before. In this world he had been a soldier first and foremost he put everything and everyone else before himself.

"That happiness you saw came at a very heavy price Steve." My tone was sorrowful.

He slowed the car pulling over, he looked out of the windshield and took a few deep breaths as though he was thinking very carefully about what he was going to say next. He put the SUV in park and turned to me. "Was it worth it?" he looked at me intensely, "Even though you've lost all that you've lost, were those happy times worth all of the struggle?" His eyes were earnest as though his very life depended on how I answered this question.

"Yes." I answered truthfully my voice breathy the words coming easily because I didn't even need to think about the answer. But the though behind it did indeed steal the air from my lungs. "Yes, it was all worth it, even if I would give anything to have my husband here with me knowing we could live out the rest of our days in happiness..." I let my words trail off for a moment, "I wouldn't... After being here for the short time I have, I really don't think he would have been able to take it."

He tilted his head to the side puzzled and surprised by my words, "Why? Why do you think that?"

"I know by looking around you didn't choose to let the Valkyrie crash into New York." I let my gaze bore into him, those images burned onto my mind of the decimation of the city all those years ago, all caused by America's hero, Captain America, "What did you choose?"

I felt like I already knew what his answer would be.

"I crashed it," he paused, "Where no one would get hurt."

"Sacrificing yourself." I said with finality.

He nodded, his throat bobbing, "Yes, there was no other way." He clarified his eyes intense.

I shook my head, "See that is the difference Steve, my husband saw the choice, and he took it. I knew after seeing this world and the lives that were saved, the devastation that was avoided, he would have regretted that choice he made all those years ago. He would have ended up hating me because of it."

"You can't know that." He looked like he wanted to reach out and comfort me but thought better of it. "You can't say that he would hate you, you don't know that." It was like he was trying to convince me, but I knew otherwise.

"I know this to be true," I looked away from him and down to my hands, to my wedding ring still on my finger, "my husband was if nothing a bleeding heart, everything, and anything he did was to make up for the biggest mistake of his life. Ultimately that mistake was choosing me rather than choosing the rest of the world." I could feel the ache build at the back of my throat again and I tried to swallow down the painful truth, "If he came here to this world and saw what could have been?" I looked up catching his eyes trying to tell him with my eyes what I meant. I shuttered at the thought because I knew he would have never been able to live with himself for it. I couldn't look at Steve anymore, not when I could see the truth so plainly in front of me, the pity and the understanding shining in his eyes.

This truth had hurt far more saying it out loud than it had been just thinking it to myself.

"Evelyn," Steve's tone was soft, "He chose you because he loved you, just like he chose you when he didn't come through the portal behind you, he knew it would be hard, but he knew you would get though it without him." He could say this with certainty because he if anyone had a small insight into his counterparts thoughts. "He knew how strong you are, hell I wasn't so sure until I saw you decimating those demons, you are something else, a force of nature."

There was silence because I didn't know how to respond. What I had done was nothing compared to what I'd had to do in the past.

"You know what?" he said straightening and signalling to turn back onto the road, "I am sorry Evelyn, I'm sorry I underestimated you."

I shook my head, "Thank you Steve." I bit my lip when he turned giving me a long look again. I smiled at him as he started driving down the road again, he balked and looked back at the road. I appraised him for a moment, this Captain America was not my Husband, he was who my husband should have been.

We drove in silence until we got to the security checkpoint at the military base, where Sam had left word to let us through with minimal obstruction. Mind you, when you are in a car with Captain America, in this world especially they didn't care who you were as long as he was willing to vouch for you.

Once through the checkpoint I turned to Steve, "There is another thing you should apologize for."

He glanced at me with a wary gaze, "Oh and what's that?"

"You should apologize for being such a huge asshole." I angled my chin up towards him, "and an enormous dick."

He just shook his head and smirked knowingly, "Not sure I will ever apologize for the last one."

I flushed and butterflies erupted low in my belly.