"I found him."

Jon's voice cuts through the fog that Brendon had been wrapped up in for the past two days, a blossom of hope expanding inside of his aching chest as his words sunk in, leaving him speechless as he tried to ascertain if he had heard his friend correctly, because Brendon wouldn't put it past himself to have imagined the one sentence that he had been dying to hear for the past forty-eight hours, but no - this was real, it just had to be.

"You did - where?" Brendon asked hurriedly, his excitement bleeding through his tone, but Brendon didn't bother with trying to contain himself, not now that Ryan had finally been located.

Brendon had thoroughly searched Ryan's house after stumbling upon the short note addressed to him, coming up with no substantial clues which would inform him of Ryan's whereabouts, but Brendon refused to give up. When Brendon discovered Ryan's phone powered down on the kitchen counter, as well as his car neatly parked in the garage, he became assured that something was wrong, because Ryan never went anywhere without the device, and if he had simply taken off, he would have packed, he would have taken his vehicle, but his dressers were full, and nothing that he would need for an extended trip seemed to be missing.

Jon agreed to help Brendon look for Ryan once Brendon had informed him of the oddities of Ryan's sudden departure, and despite the fear and nausea that were constantly assaulting Brendon, the intensity of the sensations only increasing with every passing moment, Brendon was determined not to rest until he had made sure that Ryan was safe and unharmed.

With Jon's assistance, Brendon and Sarah tore the city apart, driving around for hours in the hopes of spotting Ryan somewhere, the fact that he was on foot meaning that he couldn't have gotten far, even if he had started walking as soon as he had left the package on Brendon's doorstep, but once the sun had begun to set with still no sign of Ryan, Sarah had insisted that they call off their manhunt for the day, practically dragging Brendon into their home, ignoring his protests the entire time, and even though the last thing Brendon wanted to do was try and sleep while Ryan could still be out there somewhere, he gave into his girlfriend's request. She had done so much for Brendon today, and he owed her this, although each minute that ticked by without knowing where Ryan was physically pained Brendon as he tossed and turned futilely, doing his best not to wake Sarah with his endless shifting.

Brendon had called the police the next day, hoping to file a missing person's report, but once he had explained the situation to the officer that answered the phone, he had been told that there wasn't anything they could do if someone had voluntarily decided to disappear. Brendon briefly considered revealing Ryan's celebrity status, maybe claiming that he believed he had been kidnapped by a crazed fan, but he quickly discarded that idea once Sarah shot him a concerned look from across the room, almost as if she could read his thoughts and she was making sure that Brendon knew she did not approve.

Finally, Brendon was forced to admit defeat after nearly breaking down in sobs as he told the officer how he believed that Ryan was a danger to himself produced, which still produced no sympathy from the stern man. He was adamant that unless Ryan had been forcibly taken, or if he was a child or an elderly person, which he wasn't, that they simply couldn't spare the manpower involved to begin a search for him.

Brendon had been angry then - furious actually, the negative emotions only melting away in the place of exhaustion after spending the rest of the day wandering throughout town, trying to figure out where Ryan may have gone, but at the end of the evening, he had given up, collapsing onto his couch dejectedly as Sarah whispered soothing words of comfort that did nothing to lessen the pain in his chest.

But none of that mattered anymore, because Jon had found him, and everything was going to be okay now - right?

"Umm..." Jon stalled for a moment, inciting Brendon to sigh loudly in irritation as he waited for his friend to finish his sentence. "He's in the hospital."

"Which one?" Brendon pressed curiously, completely glossing over the fact that Jon didn't sound nearly as elated as Brendon had expected him to be. The other man had been terrified for Ryan's safety as well, he was probably the closest person to Ryan at the moment after all, so really, Brendon should have been able to guess what was coming next, but he couldn't concentrate on anything besides the fact that Ryan had been located.

"He's at the Sunrise Medical Center," Jon choked out, and it was only then that Brendon paused, his breath catching in his throat as Jon's odd behavior finally began to register, but for once, he refused to allow his mind to run away from him before he had been given any concrete evidence.

"What happened...is he okay, can we go visit him?" Brendon questioned softly, Jon's somber mood dragging Brendon down as his newfound happiness began to drain out of him at a rapid pace.

"I'm on my way to your house right now...we need to go see him," Jon hedged, what sounded like a stifled sob breaking up his words as Brendon worried his lower lip in-between his teeth.

"He - how bad is he...Jon?"

"They - fuck Brendon, they need me to come down there and identify the body. He didn't have any ID on him, and apparently I'm his emergency contact on his insurance or whatever, so since they can't get ahold of his parents, they phoned me up," Jon spat out, the meaning of his words going straight through Brendon's brain without actually sticking, because they couldn't be true, he must have heard wrong or something.

"Wait...if he didn't have his ID, how do they know that it's him?" Brendon shot back, desperately scrabbling for some semblance of an argument with which to disprove Jon's earlier statement.

"The EMT recognized him or some shit, she's pretty sure that it's him."

"But not certain," Brendon stated flatly, his eyes welling up with tears as he tried to ignore the way his world seemed to be tearing in half underneath his feet, his very existence shattering while he waited for Jon to say something - anything to fix this.

"It's got to be Ryan...I still haven't heard from him, and it - I just have a bad feeling in my gut."

"I - no..." Brendon almost laughed, even though it most likely would have emitted as a sob if he allowed the sound to escape, the coldness in his tone startling even him, because Brendon was a raging torrent of emotions on the inside, and he was shocked that his voice wasn't reflecting that.

"I'm sorry, please don't freak out okay? I am almost at your house, just hang on."

"I won't," Brendon answered instinctively, even though it was a lie, his spine hunching inward as he curled around the phone weakly. "Hurry."

"I will," Jon replied before hanging up, leaving Brendon struggling to sift through everything he had just heard, but it wasn't sinking it, not yet anyway.

Brendon simply couldn't believe that Ryan was truly dead, no matter how assured he was that Ryan had been at least slightly suicidal, or however many nightmares he had suffered through featuring that exact scenario, it just wasn't possible. This wasn't how things were supposed to turn out; Brendon was going to find Ryan, they would finally speak about everything that had happened between them, and then everything would somehow magically work out.

And even though Brendon could plainly see how stupid his original assumption was, still - he refused to lose sight of it just yet. There was no guarantee that Ryan was the one lying in the hospital on a slab, in fact - it could be anyone, maybe a look alike, or whatever, but it wasn't Ryan, Brendon refused to entertain that idea until he saw the man for himself.

~~~

Jon had arrived quickly after his call, leaving Brendon with no time to process anything other than the fact that he needed to get up, so he simply headed toward the car mutely after leaving the sleeping Sarah a note to explain where he had went, neither him or Jon speaking much during the drive to the hospital.

Brendon was barely able to walk through the automatic doors leading inside once they arrived, his stomach churned uncomfortably as he entered the bustling medical center, and if it wasn't for Jon's steadying grip on his arm, Brendon very well may have swooned on the spot. Being here made everything too real, even though Brendon was still halfway convinced that whoever was awaiting them wouldn't be Ryan, still - the fact that it could be him had Brendon trembling with fear, the internal air conditioning doing nothing to eliminate the sweat clinging to Brendon's palms as he wrung his hands together nervously.

Brendon let Jon do all of the talking at the front desk, barely listening to the conversation that was occurring right in front of him, only moving when Jon nudged him gently, leading Brendon into a nearby elevator which took them to another floor, Brendon couldn't even recall what button Jon had hit by the time they got out.

There was another receptionist waiting to greet them on this level, and sooner than Brendon had expected, a doctor in a white coat was approaching them, his receding hair line and half smile the only memorable features which Brendon noted, and as much as he didn't want to, Brendon shook himself forcibly, trying to clear his muddled head so he could tune into the words the doctor's lips were forming.

His name was apparently Dr. Jones, and after a round of pointless small talk, as well as verifying their identification, he gestured for them to follow after him, taking them to a part of the building that Brendon fervently prayed he would never have to visit again - the morgue.

"We aren't sure that it's him," the doctor explained as they walked, his neck craning backward so they could hear him over the soft chatter filling the crowded hospital. "Cassie - the EMT that is - was convinced that it's him, she's a big fan of your band apparently, and he did have a small notebook with him in which he signed with the name Ryan, but either way, I am sorry for this boys, I know that call isn't an easy one to receive."

"What...how did he die?" Brendon managed to form his first coherent words in over an hour, having missed the earlier explanation, if there had even been one that is.

"Cause of death was technically internal bleeding," Dr. Jones spoke in a softer tone now that they had entered a less occupied hallway, swiping his name badge through an electronic lock before opening the door into the morgue. "He walked into the street and was hit by a car, but if that hadn't killed him, the amount of drugs in his system would have. His tox screens came back showing a lethal level of cocaine, as well as a few other things. He died in transport, we tried to revive him here, but he was already gone."

"Oh," Brendon gasped, his tongue lying heavy in his mouth as the doctor shot him a sympathetic look. "Jon...I don't think I can do this," Brendon whimpered quietly when the doctor turned his back on them, reading over the labels on the wall in front of him before selecting the correct compartment to open.

"It's okay Bren, I'm right here, but we have to know if it's him..."

Brendon nodded numbly, his eyes squeezing shut as the doctor pulled out the table holding the body, his hands grasping the sheet which covered it. Brendon wasn't ready to look down just yet, because he knew now that it would be Ryan - Jon had been right, Brendon had just been too stubborn to admit that before now.

And of course, when Brendon did allow his lids to crack open a fraction, it was Ryan's brown hair that met his gaze, Ryan's thin hands, Ryan's skinny hips and long eyelashes. There was no mistaking it - Ryan was dead, his corpse was lying before Brendon as his mouth fell open in horror, and it was only when the doctor spoke again that Brendon realized he had been gaping at the pale body for over a minute without saying a word.

"So - is this Ryan Ross?"

"Yes..." Jon responded slowly when it became obvious that Brendon wasn't able to answer. "That's him."

"I am so sorry for your loss," Dr. Jones murmured, one of his hands resting lightly on Brendon's shoulder, snapping him out of his frozen state with the unexpected touch. "I have his personal effects here with me. It's just clothes mostly, a bit of cash, and the notebook I mentioned before. There are some papers I will need you to sign..." Brendon shut down halfway through the doctor's spiel, reaching out when he handed Brendon the bag which possessed all that was left of Ryan, his shaking hands instantly digging through the contents, searching for the notebook among the other items frantically, leaving Jon to deal with everything else for the time being.

When Brendon's fingers brushed against worn leather, he clenched them tightly, emerging with a small journal that probably could have fit in Ryan's pocket, which would make sense giving the creased appearance of the cover. Brendon collapsed onto a nearby chair in the waiting room, unsure of how he had gotten here since he couldn't remember heading back the way they had come, but not caring enough to find out, glancing once at Jon who was still discussing something with Dr. Jones before flipping the book open to the first page.

The large majority of it seemed to be filled with songs ideas, or at least, things that could easily have been lyrics, and just like he had with the package on the front door, Brendon recognized Ryan's handwriting instantly, the sight of it solidifying the fact that Ryan was truly dead even more than his lifeless form had.

Brendon skipped through the sheets quickly, knowing that he would have time later to analysis each word in detail from the safety of his own home, but right now, Brendon was looking for what Ryan had written last, what had been his final thoughts before he had apparently tried to overdose on cocaine and then somehow walked into the street, and finally, Brendon found what he was searching for, but it hadn't been what he had expected - not at all.

But there was no disparaging the fact that there was his name jumping out at him from the page, and what followed appeared to be a note written to him - for him. This was the explanation that Brendon had been craving after finding the short sentence on Ryan's bed, but now that it was right in front of him, Brendon wasn't sure if he was ready to know what it said quite yet.

But despite himself, Brendon couldn't wait, even though he knew that reading this in a crowded hospital waiting room wasn't the best idea he had ever entertained, but still - Brendon couldn't put the journal down now that he knew what it contained, so he allowed his gaze to return to the page, a few tears slipping down his cheeks as he did so, and although Brendon knew he was simply imagining things, he swore he could hear Ryan's voice loud and clear in his mind as his eyes danced over Ryan's penned words.

Brendon...

I don't know why I am addressing this to you, especially after going out of my way to avoid speaking with you at all costs, but I can't stop thinking of you, and I need you to understand why I did what I did, if you ever find this that is.

As of right now, I'm sitting on the shores of Lake Mead. You always used to take me here - do you remember? We had to go late at night so no one would recognize us, but I didn't care, in fact, it made it better that way...like the water belonged to only us for that small sliver of time.

I will never forget how you used to kiss me under the stars, how the sand would warm my toes as the wind cooled my heated skin, how I never wanted you to leave my side...it's ironic how I ended up doing that exact thing in the end isn't it?

If you are reading this, it means that I am dead. I'm sorry Bren - I know you must be hurting right now, but I had to do this. I had already planned this out ages ago, before I ever called you actually, so please don't blame yourself for not being able to stop it.

I was going to do it that night, but you knew - I don't know how, but you did, and once I saw you on my doorstep, I convinced myself to put it off, to maybe try and find something to live for, but it didn't work, mostly because I didn't let it.

I'm a mess Brendon, I have been for a very long time, and without the band, and you, everything is too much for me to handle. I thought distancing myself from all the things that were destroying me would help me start to heal, but the opposite happened instead, and being alone is killing me faster than anything else ever could.

I should have stayed with you, I should have gritted my teeth and ignored your cheating - if I can even call it that since we weren't technically together, I should have explained how much you meant to me before it was too late...so many should have's, I could fill a novel with them, but I think you understand that I regret my actions, and that if I had a chance to go back, I would do everything in my power to be able to stay by your side for as long as you wanted me.

I don't know how I am going to end it - I did before you stopped me, but now I am just drifting, trying to decide if I am ready, or if I should put it off for one more day.

I have enough drugs with me to overdose, but where to do it, and when...

I can't go home, I am sure you are looking for me after receiving the package I left for you. I wanted you to have those things because they were my happiest memories, and maybe eventually you can look back on them and smile like I used to.

Can you tell my family I'm sorry if you get the chance, Jon and Spencer as well? I hate the thought of them crying over me, even though I know it is inevitable, but they are aware of how fucked up I have been, so hopefully this won't come as a surprise to them at the very least.

This note is pointless, I am simply wasting whatever time I have left penning down everything I am too cowardly to say to you in person, but I have a good reason. I can't see you again Bren, because I know you - you will try to save me, you will abandon Sarah, and the band, anything if I asked you to, and honestly - I am not strong enough to resist you for much longer. I will ruin you if you allow me to, and that is one regret I refuse to carry with me to the grave.

I never should have called you, hell - I never should have dragged you into this at all, but it's too late to rectify that mistake now, but please Brendon, if you ever cared for me at all, do not let my death break you, I couldn't stand that.

I want you to be happy, to marry Sarah, to take panic! to places it could never reach before, to be successful in everything you do, to love, to live, but maybe sometime during all of that, think of me as well. I'm selfish to be saying that, but I believe that being forgotten is a terrifying thing, and I don't want my name to fade from your memory, even though it would be better for you if it did.

I don't even know where I am going with this anymore, I can barely see my words through the tears clogging my vision, but I guess I just had to say that I love you one more time, and that I'm sorry.

It was always you Brendon, you were my everything, and that in itself is my problem. I can't survive without you, these past three years have been tortuous enough, but I don't deserve you either. I am a failure, a pathetic excuse of a person, but soon I won't exist, and I won't lie and say that I am not looking forward to oblivion, or whatever comes next, because it has to be easier to bear than this torment I am currently living with.

I love you, I never stopped, and I don't think I ever will.

"I know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call them home."

- Ryan

Well I made myself sad writing this lol oops.

There is one more chapter left to tie everything up, but after that, this story is officially over.

I am going to try to have that posted by Tuesday, but it might be up a bit later. I have had no free time lately, so bear with me.

As always this was crappily edited, so if you noticed any errors, please point them out to me, and I will fix them asap.

Vote and comment if you hate me now.

((((feelsy vibes))))

<3 starr