Brendon had three fingers buried up to the second knuckle in Ryan's ass, the pads pressed firmly against his prostate as Ryan cried out noisily, his thighs shaking as he attempted to spread his legs even further than they already were, trying to get Brendon's digits deeper inside of his slicked up hole.

"Fuck Bren...need you, need your cock," Ryan begged, his eyes screwed up tight as more filthy litanies fell from his spit soaked lips, a deep blush staining his neck and darkening his chest as he arched into Brendon's touch.

Ryan looked so fucking pretty like this - it was Brendon's favorite image to get off to when he was alone, and having the real thing right here in front of him was almost too much to handle, it had been so long since Brendon had the pleasure of experiencing this, and he was going to make the most of it.

"I almost want to get you off like this, feel you clenching around my fingers before coming all over your pretty little hole," Brendon murmured under his breath, a smirk twitching at his lips as Ryan moaned loudly, his hands scrabbling uselessly at the sheets as he shoved down onto Brendon's hand greedily just like Brendon knew he would. Dirty talking had always been one of Ryan's kinks, and Brendon loved hearing the hitch in his breath when he muttered aloud all of the illicit things he wanted to do to the beautiful boy.

Brendon ignored Ryan's continuous pleas for more at the moment in favor of teasing him for a little while longer, twisting his fingers instead, his own cock pulsing as Ryan released a series of needy gasps that attested to how close he was.

"Bren - you, you gotta stop, I'm gonna come," Ryan hissed sharply, his body twisting away from the pressure on his prostate before he seemed to change his mind, his hips slamming back down onto Brendon's hand instead.

"Shh - it's okay, I've got you," Brendon whispered soothingly, allowing his digits to slip free from Ryan's clenching muscles, wiping them halfheartedly on the sheets before rolling on a condom hurriedly, trying not to let Ryan's impatient whines get under his skin with terrible results as he slicked up his cock.

"Come on - fuck me," Ryan gasped out as Brendon aligned himself, the head of his cock pressing against the rim of Ryan's ass as he lifted Ryan's hips slightly to give himself a better angle.

Brendon glanced upward for a moment, drinking in Ryan's fucked out expression, his blown pupils and glazed eyes gave him the appearance of being high, but Brendon had seen Ryan fucked up on drugs, and that experience had nothing on this.

Brendon found his torso dipping downward without any conscious thought, his lips pressing against Ryan's swollen ones hungrily, his tongue lapping into the older man's mouth as he moaned softly. Ryan immediately reciprocated, sucking on Brendon's bottom lip as their spit mingled together, their teeth clashing slightly as their chests heaved in an attempt to draw in some much needed oxygen.

Brendon finally pulled away when he couldn't stand the burning ache in his balls anymore, using one hand to line himself up with Ryan's entrance as Ryan sucked in a sudden rush of air, his eyes glittering with desire and anticipation as he tilted his hips upward, providing Brendon with better access to the place he longed to bury himself inside of.

"Oh god," Brendon gritted out as he pushed in the first inch, the indescribable pressure surrounding his cock releasing a bubbling heat in the pit of his stomach, an accompanying flush staining his skin as he paused to catch his breath.

"Don't be gentle, I want to feel you for days," Ryan choked out, his hips twitching downward as he spoke, the motion inciting Brendon to shove forward suddenly, pushing his full length into Ryan without any more preamble. "Yeah - oh god, fuck me."

"How are you always so tight?" Brendon heaved, dragging his length out of Ryan's slicked hole before slamming back in, releasing a strangled cry from Ryan in the process.

"Harder - I - ahh," Ryan's sentence trailed off into a series of unintelligible cries, his spine arching off the bed as his fingers dug into Brendon's shoulders roughly.

"God baby, you feel so good - fucking missed this," Brendon mumbled out before connecting his lips with Ryan's, their teeth clashing together as Brendon snapped his hips up into Ryan roughly.

"Why did you miss me baby...I never went anywhere?" Ryan asked breathlessly, his query cutting through the haze of pleasure Brendon was currently enveloped in, the pressure around his cock lessening as his heart constricted painfully in his chest.

And with that one simple sentence, Brendon knew he was dreaming; he could still remember Ryan leaving, and Sarah, and the years of no contact, but it had slipped his mind, Ryan's naked body had been more than enough of a distraction to fracture reality for a few minutes, but now everything had come tumbling back down, the weight of it threatening to crush Brendon with its intensity.

"Ry...is - this isn't real, it is?" Brendon choked out, tears stinging his eyes as he felt his body beginning to wake up, the soft feeling of Ryan's skin underneath his quickly fading away no matter how hard he tried to recapture the veil of sleep that was being torn away from him without his consent.

~~~

For the third time in a week, Brendon woke up with an image of Ryan swimming behind his closed eyelids and an aching erection that he was in no mood to deal with, because this was honestly getting ridiculous. He wasn't a teenager anymore, and he refused to get himself off to a dream about his ex-boyfriend, even one that he might potentially still be harboring feelings for, not to mention the fact that every time he thought of Ryan, a pit of worry formed inside of him, and he didn't want to jack off while he was in such a conflicted state.

Brendon hadn't heard from Ryan since his impromptu visit last week, and even though Brendon was trying his best to respect Ryan's decision and reenact his 'No Ryan Rule', which he really should have never broken in the first place, it was too late for that now. His policy was in a thousand broken pieces strewn across Brendon's mind, and it wouldn't be easy to glue it back together - hell - it might even be impossible.

Brendon had followed Sarah's advice and called Jon, explaining what had happened the other night at Ryan's place after apologizing profusely for losing contact with him after Jon had left the band, muddling his way through the required niceties before he admitted his fears to Jon that Ryan might not be anywhere near as happy as he allowed everyone else to believe, but Jon assured Brendon that Ryan would be okay, promising Brendon to check up on him and make sure just to ease his conscience.

But Brendon wasn't feeling guilty over Ryan's questionable state of mind - no, he was fucking terrified for the older man, the sensation only exacerbated by the fact that Ryan refused to speak with Brendon about it, even though he had confessed to missing Brendon, to wanting him back in his life, but his actions didn't line up with his words, and Brendon was struggling not to drown in the opposing currents that were tugging him in two completely different directions.

Jon didn't seem anywhere near as troubled as Brendon though; apparently Ryan did this often, he refused to let people in anymore, and obviously Brendon was no exception, his previous privileges into the inner workings of Ryan's brain seemed to have been permanently revoked, but Brendon refused to settle for such a simple answer, not until he heard the words from Ryan's mouth that is.

Brendon hard tried numerous time to contact Ryan again, calling him, texting him, hell - the only thing stopping Brendon from showing up on his doorstep once more without warning was Sarah, who had returned home shortly after his initial confrontation with Ryan, and Brendon didn't want to go against his earlier promise to her so soon, not without good reason that is.

Brendon had ended up turning to Jon for the second time instead, hoping that his impromptu calls and irritating nature weren't inconveniencing the other man as he begged for an explanation that justified Ryan's irrational behavior, finally getting Jon to admit that Ryan felt awful for breaking down and allowing Brendon to see what a mess he truly was, and he had convinced himself that he would only ruin Brendon's life unless he did the right thing and fixed his mistakes by pretending the other evening had never happened.

Ryan was firmly set in his belief that Brendon was perfectly fine without him, which was partially true, or it had been, but once he had seen Ryan after so long without so much as a word from him, Brendon knew now that he had only been kidding himself into believing that he was truly happy, and no matter how wonderful Sarah was, or how well the band was doing, something would always be missing as long as Brendon didn't have Ryan to share in the experiences with him, even if it was only in the smallest of ways.

Jon did manage to calm Brendon down a bit, assuring Brendon that Ryan frequently got mood swings like this, and it wasn't helping anyone to waste so much time worrying about him, encouraging Brendon to go on with his usual routine and wait for Ryan to reach out to him again, if he ever did that is, so Brendon tried - he really did, but it was as if that one evening with Ryan had wiped his brain, and he had forgotten how to function normally without thoughts of the older man permeating his thoughts every second of every day.

Still - Brendon did his best to follow Jon's advice, spending most of his time with Sarah now that she was back, attempting to remind himself of who he was really in love with, hoping that inundating his senses with her would help wipe Ryan from his fucked up mind, and it worked - to an extent, he was distracted at least while Sarah was by his side.

Sarah wasn't an idiot though, and she knew when Brendon was trying to drown out his troubles, but she was clueless about how to help him as well, her words mirroring Jon's earlier suggestions, and even though Brendon knew they were both right, it didn't lessen the ache in his heart.

Sleep became an unobtainable task for Brendon; he refused to close his eyes until he absolutely had to, because Ryan was lurking there every time, and the dreams weren't always as pleasant as his most previous one had been. Sometimes he woke up screaming, sweat drenching his sheets as the nightmare slowly faded away, his heart rate taking ages to properly slow down again even once the horrendous images had been stolen into the realm of forgetfulness.

Brendon tried to start writing music again, but that was a failed endeavor as well; all of the songs he managed to produce were so obviously about Ryan that he knew the fans wouldn't be fooled, and even though he didn't really mind the teasing remarks he received on his periscope, he wasn't about to release an album full of songs that screamed his affection for Ryan, not again anyway, and even when he met up with Spencer and Dallon to try and spark some new ideas, Brendon still hit a wall that felt rather Ryan shaped as he struggled to pass through it.

Brendon was slowly going insane, no matter how stubbornly he attempted to ground himself, but he couldn't focus on anything, he couldn't enjoy himself anymore, not until he and Ryan worked something out, or reached some sort of mutually agreeable closure - fuck, Brendon didn't know what he needed anymore, but it had something to do with Ryan, that much he was sure off.

Brendon constantly found himself breaking from reality with ever increasing frequency, his thoughts drifting back to the days when Ryan had been his, to when he would be allowed to help the older man through whatever he was struggling with, but those times were over now, and no matter how difficult the task seemed, Brendon knew he was going to have to force himself to move on again, but for some reason, it was even harder to let Ryan go then it had been originally, although their reunion hadn't lasted a day.

And really - Brendon knew he could live without Ryan, he had done it for years after all, and if Ryan truly didn't want to reconnect with Brendon, that was fine, if not slightly disappointing, but Brendon just needed to know that Ryan was okay, that he was happy, but despite the numerous reassurances he received from Jon or Sarah, he couldn't shake the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was horribly wrong, or it would be soon.

Okay I lied - this isn't the last chapter, but the next update should be unless I get another idea, idk anymore - I am just rolling with this since the ending I originally had planned already went up in smoke.

I don't even know what this chapter was, but apparently I can't make it through a story without writing some sort of sex scene, even if it is just a dream sequence, so hopefully it made sense. I was having a hard time getting my thoughts down straight, but whatever, it's published now.

Whoever leaves a vote or a comment will get their favorite celebrity on their doorstep in the morning - jk I wish, but yeah, I am a fan of feedback, especially on this book since it is my first Ryden.

Okay I am shutting up now, I am tired as fuck, and I burned my mouth on a hot pocket, so I am going to nurse my wounds and try to fall asleep.

((((sleepy/ouchy vibes))))

<3 starr