Brendon left Ryan as soon as he was convinced that the older man was fast asleep, making sure that he was lying on his side just in case he ended up getting sick again, choosing not to pen out a note explaining where he went in the fear of coming off as too cliché, making a promise to himself to contact Ryan in the morning instead, and although it took Brendon a ridiculously long time to actually vacate Ryan's house, he did it, even though it felt as if he had left a large portion of his heart behind in the process.

Ryan had whimpered softly when Brendon had removed himself from his bed, and fuck - the small sound had nearly broken all of Brendon's resolve into a pile of rubble. It had taken every ounce of willpower that Brendon possessed not to lean down and kiss the lips that had emitted the tortured cry, silencing his terror with the comfort of his body, but no - Brendon couldn't, no matter how badly he wanted to.

So Brendon returned to his quiet house in a morose mood, a heavy weight on his chest following him everywhere as he crawled into his empty bed, the mattress seeming too large without Sarah in it - or maybe Ryan, but Brendon wasn't going to allow his brain to go there, not tonight at least.

But of course, his mind had other ideas, and his sleep was stolen by the plethora of worries that refused to let him rest. Brendon wanted to return to Ryan's place, he wanted to hold him, to pretend that time had turned back to the days when it was just the two of them against the rest of the world, but he also wanted to call Sarah, to tell her what had happened, to apologize, to beg her forgiveness for a kiss that wasn't even entirely his fault, although he couldn't deny that he wouldn't be opposed to being giving another chance to have Ryan's lips mashed against his own, so he wasn't entirely blameless in all aspects.

Brendon hadn't known that it was possible to love two people at once, but he was now living proof that it was indeed a very real phenomena, and fuck - this just wasn't fair, because Sarah and Ryan were both so perfect in their own ways, and Brendon didn't want to choose between them, but for the sake of his sanity, he had to come to a decision sooner rather than later.

Brendon had thought he had already made his choice back at Ryan's place, he had pulled away from the kiss after all, he had felt guilty when an image of Sarah's face popped into his head, but now the negative emotions were fading away, and Brendon found himself wondering what would have happened if he had let Ryan do whatever he wanted to Brendon, if he had never stopped the connection of their lips, if he had stayed the night instead of retreating back to his own home once Ryan had fallen asleep.

Brendon knew he didn't truly want that, well - more like Sarah didn't deserve that. She was one of the few people in Brendon's life that had never hurt him, so he couldn't go around inflicting pain on her just because his head was a fucking mess, and deep down, Brendon was glad that he had stopped Ryan when he did, because yes - he was obviously struggling with a resurgence of old feelings for his former lover, but he would have to talk with Sarah first before he did anything rash, and he also had to make sure that Ryan had been serious about his admission, which would involve a sober conversation with no substances blurring Ryan's true desires.

By this point, it was almost eight in the morning, and even though Brendon had hardly closed his eyes, he felt wide awake, his need to confess what had happened last night to Sarah inspiring him to hop in the shower with a vigor to his steps that he usually didn't possess, the urge to cleanse his conscience adding haste to his motions as he washed himself quickly. Changing into fresh clothes before grabbing his cell phone, Brendon dialed his girlfriend's number, his fingers drumming nervously on his bedside dresser as he waited for her to pick up.

"Baby...is that you?" Sarah's voice finally sounded out, sleep clogging her words as she spoke.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for waking you up so early, I just need to talk to you about something."

"Is everything okay?" Sarah asked in a worried tone, all signs of grogginess shedding away from her like a second skin.

"Yeah...well, mostly," Brendon paused for a moment, forcing himself to release the words that had to be said, even though he was terrified of how his girlfriend would react, "I went to see Ryan last night."

"Ryan...as in Ryan Ross, as in 'no one mention his name around me or I will bite your head off' Ryan Ross?"

"Yeah...that Ryan," Brendon mumbled sheepishly, scuffing his toe against the carpet as he waited for Sarah's response.

"Oh..." Sarah exhaled heavily, shuffling sounds coming down the line as she shifted into a more comfortable position, or at least, that was what Brendon assumed she was doing. "How is he?"

Brendon didn't miss the tension radiating from her side of the call, but he still heaved a sigh of relief, because Sarah wasn't upset, not yet anyway, even though she had every right to be. She was one of the few people outside of the band who knew of his relationship with Ryan, but she wasn't letting jealousy overwhelm her, which was one of the many traits that Brendon adored in her, and it gave him the strength to continue onward with his admission.

"Not good...he called me up while drunk off his ass, and I was worried that he was going to do something stupid, so I stopped by his place."

"Well that was nice of you," Sarah sniffed sharply, and Brendon knew she wasn't entirely happy with him, not that he blamed her, but she was still listening, so that was something. "Is he okay now?"

"I - I don't know. I managed to calm him down at least, but he isn't in a good place, and I think he needs some help. I want to try and be a part of his life again - as a friend, nothing more, but I won't do it if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Well...I am not going to tell you who you can and can't interact with, but I want you to be careful Brendon. I trust you not to cheat on me with him, but I don't know if you can allow him access to your heart again without letting those old feelings resurface, still - I will leave that decision up to you," Sarah murmured softly, her words cutting straight to the core of Brendon's being, because she was right - he couldn't do this without falling for Ryan all over again, but at the same time, he refused to leave the older man to suffer without at least trying to ease his pain.

"I - that is part of the problem I guess..."

"Did you sleep with him?" Sarah cut Brendon off suddenly, the resignation in her tone wounding Brendon as he realized that his girlfriend wouldn't be at all surprised if he had fucked Ryan last night, because he wouldn't do that, not to her at least.

"No - god baby, I love you okay? I was just going to tell you that he kissed me, but I stopped him...I - I just want to be there for him, I am not going to try and win him back, I promise." The words tumbled out of Brendon's mouth before he even realized what he was truly saying, but he couldn't stand to have Sarah believing the worst of him. Brendon still wanted her, and no matter what happened, he would always care for her, so he wasn't going to drop her just because he and Ryan had participated in a drunken lip-lock, no - it would take a lot more from Ryan to convince Brendon that he truly loved him once more.

"I love you too, I'm just - fuck, I'm scared Brendon. I saw you and Ryan when you were still together, I remember how you used to look at him, and I - I honestly don't know if I am entirely comfortable with you two getting close again, even though I am trying not to be a bitch, but it is the truth."

"No - you are right, I understand," Brendon whimpered softly, the undercurrent of sadness in Sarah's voice watering down the promise he had made to Ryan last night, because this was his girlfriend after all, and Ryan was just somebody that he used to love, and maybe he still did, but if Brendon wanted to maintain his current relationship, he had to put Sarah first right now.

"I am not saying ignore him completely like you have been doing for fuck knows how long, but - I don't know, maybe text Jon or something, see if he is aware that Ryan isn't doing well."

"Yeah - I'll do that," Brendon agreed readily, because he had already been planning on contacting the other man anyway. Jon always had better luck getting through to Ryan than Brendon did, and he needed to be informed about Ryan's fragile state.

"Okay love, well as much as I want to continue this conversation, I'm exhausted, so let me get a few more hours of sleep, and we can discuss this later - okay?"

"Alright baby, sweet dreams," Brendon replied automatically, smiling at Sarah's murmured repetition of the phrase before the call was ended, leaving Brendon alone once more and only slightly less conflicted.

And even though Brendon had now at least started to resolve things with Sarah, his fears for Ryan were still eating away at him, keeping his body from the slumber that his tired muscles were beginning to beg for, so despite the fact that Brendon was well aware that Ryan most likely wouldn't be awake yet, he found his fingers typing out a quick text to the older man before he even realized what he was doing.

Brendon experienced another wave of guilt once the message was sent, caused by the fact that he had just sworn to Sarah to take things slow with Ryan, but it wasn't as if he was running back to his house to check up on him, it was just a simply query, and there was no physical way for Ryan to kiss Brendon when he wasn't even in the nearby vicinity, at least that was how Brendon reasoned it out in his mind.

"Hey - you feeling any better today?"

Ryan didn't respond for a few minutes, not that Brendon had been expecting him to - in fact, he had assumed that Ryan would be knocked out for most of the morning after his mini bender last night, but apparently that wasn't the case.

"Why are you asking?"

Brendon stared down at Ryan's reply in complete confusion for ages, trying to decide if Ryan was being serious, or if he was just fucking with Brendon, or maybe he had been so drunk during their encounter that he didn't have any recollection of it at all, but no - Ryan hadn't been that messed up. Brendon had seen Ryan in much worse states than that unfortunately, and he had always been able to accurately describe what he had done and said while intoxicated in the past.

"Because I want to know...please tell me you remember last night?"

Brendon wasn't sure what he would do if Ryan truly didn't recall anything about their evening together, even though it probably didn't really matter in the long run, except that it did, because it had been a step toward getting Ryan back, and despite the complications that would most likely arise from allowing the older man into his life once again, Brendon wanted Ryan back in any way that he could get him. He didn't know what he would do if Ryan regretted ever reaching out to Brendon, but it wouldn't be pretty, that was guaranteed.

"I do."

Brendon groaned aloud at Ryan's succinct text, because okay - he wasn't completely in the dark over what had occurred between the two of them, but that didn't explain why he was acting so odd at the moment. Ryan had been the one to ring up Brendon, he had been the one to admit that he missed Brendon first, but it was as if those words had never left his lips now, and Brendon found himself growing angry very quickly, his fury at Ryan and his stupid games rising up as he typed out a new message with firm strokes.

"I just want to make sure that you are okay..."

Brendon's phone stayed silent for almost half an hour, and Brendon was beginning to recall why his and Ryan's relationship had fallen apart in the first place. It was because they didn't know how to talk to each other, they always avoided the deeper issues hovering in-between the two of them in favor of fucking, but now that the carnal act was out of their reach, they had hit a metaphorical wall within eight hours of what Brendon had hoped would be a renewal of their friendship.

"Just leave me alone Brendon, last night was a mistake, I am sorry I ever called you."

Brendon's mouth literally fell open in shock, the bright text wavering in his vision as his eyes blurred with a sudden rush of tears. Brendon had no idea what to say in response, so he simply closed his phone, his heart aching in his chest as he experienced another round of pain caused by Ryan fucking Ross, and even though Brendon should have known better by now than to think that Ryan could ever care for him, he had allowed himself to be fooled once more, and he deserved this emotional agony for ever being so idiotic in the first place.

Wanting to forget about Ryan entirely for a few short hours, Brendon sank back down onto his mattress, curling himself into as tight a ball as possible in a pointless effort to hold back the choking sobs that were lurking within him, with paltry results, but whatever - no one could see the tears rolling down his cheeks right now, and even if they did, at least they wouldn't know that they had been caused by Ryan, the one person that Brendon had sworn would never have this power over him again.

I am drunk and tired, so I have nothing to say besides for this fic is going to be a tiny bit longer than I originally planned. The next chapter might be the last though, idk anymore.

This update brought to you by Robbers by The 1975, which I have been listening to on repeat all night.

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