El Nicky and the Pine Cone Thieves

By jinnis

The old man packed his pipe and leaned back in his favourite rocking chair. Not that he had several, but it was his favourite, anyway. Who needed multiple rocking chairs? Perhaps some people did, but he had no intention of contemplating the problem of human greed, the unholy tendency to hoard unnecessary items and status symbols. Not today, of all times. Hmm, would a rocking chair be considered a status symbol?

He chewed on the stem of his pipe, stared into the flames consuming a log in the fireplace, and decided his brooding wasn't expedient. The last thing he intended to do was spoil this first day of his well-earned retirement, pondering problems and puzzles he couldn't solve. Especially since he knew where this would lead in the end.

He'd start fretting over retirement. Again. He'd feel old and useless and discarded, a dinosaur in a glittering neon world. He—

Ding.

The doorbell interrupted the train of morose thoughts before it could spiral down another black hole. The old man fought himself out of the rocking chair, slipped into his carpet slippers and shuffled towards the door. Halfway across the living room, the bell rang again.

Ding.

"What's the hurry? I'm on my way."

Ding-ding-ding.

He stopped in the hallway and considered ignoring the rude guest. But that would be rude too, wouldn't it? In his long and happy life, he'd always made a point of remaining friendly and supportive, no matter the mood of his customers. He wouldn't compromise his treasured values on his first day of retirement.

Another desperate ding, and he opened the door to a remarkable sight. A small, black squirrel clung to the braided string attached to the clapper of his old-fashioned bronze doorbell, swinging back and forth.

"What are you doing here, Silvertail? Shouldn't you be in the workshop?"

The squirrel dropped to the floor, ran up to the old man, and clawed at his trouser leg, its brown-and-silver striped tail twitching.

"So, what's so urgent that you came all the way out here to visit an old-timer like me, little one?"

He got no answer, but the distress of the agitated rodent made it clear he couldn't and shouldn't waste time.

~

An hour later, he knocked at the door of the workshop, the same door he only yesterday thought would close behind him for the last time. The squirrel sat on his shoulder, half hurried in his bushy beard.

"Don't get too comfortable there, Silvertail, you know I can't stay with you." As an answer, the small fellow nibbled at his ear. The old man chuckled and pulled the bell string. This one was far more elaborate than his own, lined with stardust and operating a three-tone chime.

The last note had not yet faded when the wide wooden door popped open and his successor stood before him in all his artificial splendour.

"Mister Claus, honoured by your visit." The pale winter sun reflected in the shiny metal of the artificial being's crimson-and-green breast plating.

The old man squinted. "Call me Nick, no use sticking to titles anymore. What's the problem?"

"All right, Mister Nick, if you prefer. There is no problem at all. Why would you think so?"

Nick squinted some more, his eyebrows two white, hairy caterpillars about to kiss right over his knobby nose. "I'm sure our little friend Silvertail had a reason to visit me today. So, what is it?"

The squirrel on his shoulder chirped, and the android stepped back. "Oh, that. We might have run into a problem with delivery, Mister Santa, Sir. But I doubt your help with logistics is needed."

Indeed, the growing complications with logistics were the whole reason for replacing him. With all the useless gadgets kids craved for these days, he had come to the limits of his abilities and lost all pleasure in the job. Not to mention parents who insisted he adjusted his schedule to their own insane holiday rhythm and rising demands for a gender-neutral, diverse representation. In the end, it had become easier to replace him with a genderless android of innocuous skin colour. Nick sighed and pulled his sternest Santa-face. "Logistics, eh? What kind of logistics?"

An eye sensor whirred, and the android's mouth opened and closed several times. He looked like a goldfish desperate for food. Nicks's heart was too soft to deal with so much distress, even if the person in question was his own electronic replacement. But before he could say something, a tiny elf girl squeezed between the artificial Santa's legs, rushed up to Nick, and hugged his knee.

"Santa, I'm so glad you're back." The girl lifted her tear-streaked face. "Now I'm sure we can save Christmas."

"Now, Eva-Leandra, why would we need to save Christmas?" He patted the girl's head with two fingers, careful not to squeeze her.

She sniffed. "El Nicky said we can't do Christmas without the pine cones but now they are gone and none are left and we can't find them and we won't get to celebrate Christmas at all." New tears glittered in her eyes.

"Easy, Eva-Leandra. I'm old, you must explain things slower to me. Who would El Nicky be?"

The girl buried her face in his woollen trousers and pointed at the artificial person.

"That would be me, Sir Santa. We decided it sounded better than Electric Santa."

Nick scratched his beard. "We as in?"

"Me and my marketing counsellor, of course." El Nicky seemed taken aback.

"Oh. That young fellow with the grey suit and ugly tie?" Santa had no fond memories of his encounters with Mister Pennyworth.

"He is the best. So efficient and experienced. He knows exactly what humans want, being one himself. With his help, we streamlined our services to deliver to optimal customer satisfaction."

"Right." Old Nick wondered if, perhaps, he should turn around and head back to his rocking chair. But a tiny sob from the elf girl changed his mind. "So Mister Pennyworth suggested your customers wanted pine cones instead of Christmas candy?"

"No, why would they?" El Nicky rolled its gleaming eyes. It looked rather creepy, and Eva-Leandra sobbed louder. "But as a compensation for the mostly electronic gifts, authentic Christmas trees are in high demand. It is a retro movement, and Mister Pennyworth insisted we should ride the flow. Now, authentic pine trees have cones. To mark this new era of Christmas, we ordered all trees complete with generic cones this year. But today, when I wanted to start delivery, the cones were gone."

"Hm." Santa wondered if anyone would even see the cones beneath all the glittery decorations. "Any suspicions? Who would steal pine cones?" He addressed the squirrel still seated on his shoulder.

Silvertail chirped, jumped to the ground and planted himself in front of the elf girl, chirping some more. Eva-Leandra sobbed harder and pressed her face against Old Nick's trouser leg.

"Do you know something, Eva-Leandra?" Santa could almost smell the distress of the little elf clinging to his leg. He picked her up and let her sit on his palm. "Now, tell me the rest of the story. I can't help you if you don't trust me."

"I don't know about it. Just that the forest elves left in a bad mood."

"Now stop this." The lights in El Nicky's beard flashed an angry red. "We agreed their services were no longer needed, as the new fully automated delivery drones are far more efficient. Aside from the fact the FEU, the Forest Elves' Union, insisted on cutting down on working hours and asked for better payment, anyway."

"They did? I never even knew they had a union." Santa felt the world was changing faster than he could cope with. The forest elves had been willing volunteers for the distribution of Christmas trees since he could remember. Actually, he never had to worry about the trees before. "So, you sacked the forest elves?"

"We parted ways in mutual agreement." El Nicky straightened its metallic spine.

"Of course. Eva-Leandra, do you know where the forest elves went?"

The elf shook her head, tears flying to the left and right. An excited chirp called for Santa's attention. The squirrel bounced up and down, pointing to the north.

"They went back to the forest? Well, I guess we should look for them there, then. Can you guide us, Silvertail?"

~

It was a strange group trekking to the ancient home of the forest elves. Silvertail, flitting across the unspoilt snow in the lead, had to stop every few paces to wait for Santa, who still carried the elf and stomped through the knee-deep snow in his heavy boots. El Nicky brought up the rear hopping from one of Santa's mighty footprints to the next like an ungainly heron, mumbling incomprehensible complaints under its artificial breath.

The going became easier underneath the mighty fir trees, where they followed an old path winding deeper into the gloom. Santa enjoyed the majestic serenity, but a tiny sound, not unlike a whimper from El Nicky, made him turn around. "Are you afraid?"

The android's wide eyes scanned the shadows beneath the trees. "Aren't these forests dangerous? How can you be sure this beast doesn't guide us into a trap?"

Santa frowned. "Silvertail? Why should he? He and his clan have helped with Christmas forever."

So had the forest elves. How could things have gone down the drainage so fast? Before Santa could work up a grudge, though, a cry stopped him short.

"Stop, this is private territory, no trespassing is allowed."

The pitch of the voice was high enough to belong to a girl. But Santa knew better. "Is this you, Daryl-Sylvain? Come out of your hiding, I need to talk to you."

"Santa?" A rustle in the undergrowth announced an elf clad in tree bark and leaves. He was smaller than Eva-Leandra but stockier and planted himself in front of the old man. "I thought you left everything to this creature. What brought you back?"

"That's a good question. I hear your tribe retreated to the forest?" Santa ignored El Nicky's attempt to get his attention.

The forest elf squinted his eyes. "This one," he pointed at the android, "sacked us. He said we were no longer needed for Christmas. So we started another project that's far more important."

"I see—could you still answer me a few questions?"

The elf glowered at El Nicky, but then gave a reluctant nod. "For you, Santa. Because you always treated us fair and square."

"Well, I hope I did, and I wish your clan only the best for the future. Silvertail thought you might know where the lost pine cones went."

Daryl-Sylvain's face looked as if he'd bitten into a lemon. "Um."

"Um, what? Were you involved with the theft?" Santa set down Eva-Leandra and crouched to be nearer to the elves' eye level.

The elf girl's hug softened Daryl-Sylvain's expression, and he lowered his eyes. "We didn't steal them. Well, not exactly."

"And what exactly happened to them?"

The forest elf bit his lip. "We needed the seeds."

Santa felt this was getting more complicated by the minute. "And what did you need the seeds for? Feeding birds?"

The elf blinked. "Of course not. I told you we started a new project when we got sacked. Do you remember the forest fire last summer? Our council decided we might as well use the time we usually invested to help you out into replanting the trees. But this thing," he pointed at El Nicky again, "bought up so many pines with cones we couldn't get enough seeds for the project."

Santa sighed. "Right, so you nicked the cones from the Christmas trees."

"I told you we didn't steal them. We borrowed them to collect the seeds. During the last hundred years or more, you never ever insisted on Christmas trees with cones."

A side glance to his successor told Santa that he had to intervene before the poor thing fried its motherboard. The led-lights in El Nicky's beard blinked in an erratic pattern and a fine strand of smoke curled out of his left ear.

"Hey, cool down, Nicky." Santa patted the android's shiny shoulder. "It's not worth blowing up a circuit about this. You still can deliver the trees without the cones, right?"

"But the marketing department—"

"Is strictly against it, I know. Still, you're the official Santa now. Your word counts. It is your turn to make the right decision and show the world that you are more than an artificial figurehead. Right?"

"But—"

"No but. Marketing and logistics can't replace the spirit of Christmas. You, young one, are now meant to embody this spirit. With Christmas only a few days away, what do you plan to do?"

The flickering beard lights showed El Nicky's distress.

Eva-Leandra approached the artificial Santa and touched its knee. "Please, El Nicky. If we do this, we still can celebrate Christmas. And humans prefer to hang their trees with shiny stuff anyway, they won't realise the absence of the cones."

To Santa's surprise, El Nicky's artificial features gave a downtrodden expression. He felt sorry for his replacement.

"Why don't you add a single pine cone to each delivery?" Daryl-Sylvain rubbed his chin. "You could add a card with a message to it. 'Save the forest—plant a tree' or something."

"Oh, yes." Eva-Leandra hopped from one foot to the other. "We can decorate the cones with red and green ribbons. Please let's do this, El Nicky, pretty please."

"Do you think his could work?" The android sent Santa a pleading glance.

"Sure, if the forest elves are willing and Eva-Leandra and her friends get to work with cards and ribbons." He grinned as he saw the eager gleam in all the faces. Even the squirrel seemed excited. "Silvertail, I guess it's time to mobilise the Christmas emergency squad. What do you think?"

The squirrel chirped and moments later, the group in the forest was the centre of a flurry of activity. Animals hustled around them and more and more elves joined the assembly, discussing the implications of this new possibility and planning the details. Santa smiled, happy to see the beloved Christmas buzz surrounding him once more. He couldn't get rid of the feeling El Nicky was close to electric tears, though.

"Listen, Nicky, it's up to you. You don't have to go along with this."

Santa's words hushed the assembly. Everyone stared at the two Nicks in their midst. Santa smiled, and El Nicky cleared his mechanic throat. Twice. "What will Mister Pennyworth say?"

"He'll make a drama, explain to you how unprofessional your behaviour is, and in the end, he'll retreat into his office and recalculate the whole thing. Believe me, it's the same every year. He'll let you also swear that next year, you'll follow his advice. If you want to play it safe, you'll tell him, yes, you will if it's reasonable."

El Nicky studied the attentive faces around him. "But you never did, right?"

"Well, somehow, it never seemed adequate. Christmas is Christmas, after all."

A grin tugged at the corner of El Nicky's mouth. "Let's do it, then."

The elves and forest creatures broke out in cheers and scurried away, already preoccupied with their new tasks.

Santa took El Nicky's elbow and guided him back to the workshop. "I'm sure you'll become a wonderful Santa in time. Just don't overdo it with the changes, whatever marketing says. It's sometimes hard to see, but Christmas should be about love and tradition, and not about marketing."

The android nodded. "Thanks, Santa, I couldn't have solved this without you."

They had reached the field and Santa stopped, breathing hard.

"What is it?" The worry was back in El Nicky's voice.

"Nothing, son. I'm just old. Stomping through the snow is hard work for me."

"Let me get my sleigh. I'll be back in a minute."

~

Carried by long legs, El Nicky bounded back to the workshop. True to his word, he returned shortly after in his fully automated power sleigh. It looked like a streamlined, neon-lit version of the old Santa model, but instead of reindeer, a powerful rocket engine propelled it.

"Not bad," muttered Santa as he climbed into the back. "But I'd miss the antics of my reindeer."

"I'd have loved to get to know them. Unfortunately, they were already retired when I arrived here." El Nicky drove the sleigh with a joystick towards Old Nick's home. "Would it be possible that you introduce me?"

"To the Reindeer? Sure, why not. They are not very fond of all the new stuff governing Christmas, though."

El Nicky sighed. "Nobody seems to be. Whatever I do, I offend someone. Would you mind helping me with this? I think there is a lot you could teach me."

The sleigh stopped in front of Santa's house. While he climbed out of the rocket sleigh, he wondered if his successor had the potential to become a true replacement. To tell by today's development, there certainly was hope.

Santa decided it was worth a try. "Sure, kiddo. Let's discuss this once you got the deliveries sorted. I'm not going anywhere shortly, and I'm pretty sure we can arrange a visit with Rudolph's clan if you find the time. Perhaps even a ride in the sleigh."

El Nicky's electric eyes lit up. "I'd love to. Is it alright if I drop by later?"

"Sure, just send Silvertail to announce your visit. And merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Santa—I mean Nick, and thanks for the help." El Nicky's eyes glowed a happy orange as the new Santa kicked in the sleigh's turbo-booster and zipped away, fake beard trailing like a flag, the sleigh blasting a rap version of jingle bells at high volume.

Old Nick shook his head, gave his generic beard a good scratch and returned to his rocking chair. Perhaps he wasn't as useless as he'd believed—and perhaps this new life wouldn't be as boring as he'd feared.