Attack of the Electric Reindeer

By elveloy

It was the night before Christmas and all was quiet, except for the log fire giving an occasional spit from the grate. The cabin was small and cosy, lit by candlelight and warmed by the fire.

The occupant dozed, his feet resting on a stool and his hands folded loosely across his wide belly. A faint snore began to compete with the fire. Suddenly, there was an almighty whoosh of air, a clatter of hooves and the door was flung open wide.

"Wha-?" The man startled awake, blinking owlishly as the newcomer came inside with a rush of cold air, and shut the door quickly behind her. She went over to the fire, pulling off her mittens and warmed her hands for a minute.

"Brrr! Ah, that's better! I swear it gets colder every year!" Small clumps of snow melted and dripped from her red coat onto the floor.

"Sorry, dear, I think this will have to be my last time I take your place. I'm not getting any younger, either, you know." Mrs Claus unhitched the snowy white beard, which had actually turned a pale shade of grey to be honest, and scratched her chin. "Damn thing, itches like crazy!"

"The last-?" Santa's face crinkled in dismay. He reached for his walking stick and struggled to stand.

"Stay where you are, Olaf. No need to get up on my account." Mrs Claus' voice softened. "We've done our best. No-one can say different. But we're both too old for this. It's time to call it a day."

She unbuttoned the jacket and draped it carefully over the back of a chair to dry.

"So how did it go tonight?" asked Santa, changing the subject slightly. "Everyone sorted?"

"Well, we got all the presents delivered, if that's what you mean. I was hoping it would be easier, considering the drop in numbers, but the reindeers were pretty tired by the end. Those cybertoys aren't the lightest things you know, and they're all the children want these days. Plus, a lot of them had forgotten to put out an apple, or even a carrot for the reindeer, and my cookies and milk were a bit sparse, too. It's as if they don't believe we're real anymore." Mrs Claus sighed heavily.

"I'm afraid we have to face facts. This will be Santa's last Christmas." Her face drooped and she wiped away a tear.

"Let's not give up, yet," murmured Santa, hopefully. "I'm sure something will turn up soon."

The next morning, he sat up in bed with a start.
"I've had an idea! It came to me in the middle of the night." Santa reached for his laptop, resting on the table beside him.

"Talking of cybertoys, this might be the solution. I found this site last night... Let me see... where was it again?" He flicked rapidly through the screens.

"Ah here we are, 'Your Ultimate Xmas Bling!' Here, see these cyber deer? They are only basic models, meant to prance up and down on people's roofs for decoration, but with a bit of tweaking... What do you think?"

Mrs Claus reached across for the screen and squinted. Her eyes weren't what they used to be, either.

"Hmm," she said, doubtfully. "They look a bit scary in my opinion, though the kids these days seem to like that kind of thing. But we could order one and give it to the elves, just to see what they can do with it. They've got pretty tech-savvy lately, with all this electronic stuff in such high demand."

"And we could order a CyberSanta too," enthused Santa. "One of those life-size models they use in shopping centres. A proper red suit instead of that enamel paint and we could be onto a winner!"

Santa placed the order and a few weeks later, the package arrived. Mrs Claus and all the reindeer gathered around to see it opened. The reindeers had mixed feelings about this whole thing. Sure, the job was tiring, but the Christmas expedition was their whole reason for existing. What would they do instead? Hang around, eating and sleeping all day? Actually, that didn't sound so bad, thought Blitzen. The arthritis in his hind leg for instance, was becoming a real pain.

Santa opened the lid and everyone peered in.

"Huh!" snorted Dasher. "That thing will never replace me! I mean... us!"

"Give it a chance, boys and girls," intervened Santa in soothing tones. "Let the elves see what they can do first."

The elves worked away for the rest of winter and into the start of spring, tweaking and reprogramming, coaxing life into the basic model.

Eventually, they had something ready to show off.

"What do you think?" asked Thorsgard, proudly.

"Er... I'm not too sure about the red nose," answered Santa, after some hesitation. "But the rest looks pretty good. Lifelike."

"But the red nose comes from history," explained Thorsgard, a little huffily. "Everyone knows that!"

He began to sing in a gravelly voice,
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows..."

"Yes, well-"

"Evidently Rudolph was the very first cyber deer!" enthused Thorsgard, interrupting. "After all, no real-life reindeers have red noses that glow, do they?"

"Er... no, that's true."

"So we're good to go then? You can order seven more of the basic models. The rest should be a piece of cake now we've got the prototype right."

"Er yes, mmm, I guess so. What do you think, dear?"

"He looks kind of cute, doesn't he? And that extra light would really help whoever is driving the sleigh." Mrs Claus was surprisingly enthusiastic. Retirement was beckoning invitingly.

Santa was uneasy but he couldn't think of a valid reason to say 'no.'

All too soon in Santa's opinion, all eight cyber deer were complete to Thorsgard's exacting specifications. Even the CyberSanta looked impressive once clothed in a proper Santa suit. The cyber deer tossed their heads and stamped their feet, for all the world as if they couldn't wait to get started.

"We've done some preliminary testing with the sleigh," beamed Thorsgard. "All very successful! CyberSanta has been programmed to be in control and the 'deer are very responsive. Just as good as the real thing." Truth be told, Thorsgard actually thought they were better but he didn't want to boast. Much.

"Well, let's give them a trial run shall we? Just a quick flyover to Longyearbyen, see how it goes."

"I'll ride in the sleigh," Mrs Claus volunteered.

"Are you sure that's wise, dear? Is it safe?" Santa turned to the elf.

"Safe as igloos!"

"And someone has to report back. I'll be fine," Mrs Claus declared with confidence. She was quite looking forward to being a passenger for once.

A few moments later, dressed in her own Santa suit in case they were spotted, Mrs Claus climbed carefully into the back of the sleigh and made herself comfortable.

"Everyone ready?" CyberSanta picked up the reins then bellowed at the top of his voice, "Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

Thorsgard blushed faintly at Santa's look of astonishment.

"Just following tradition," he murmured.

The sleigh took off with a jingle of bells and a whoosh.

Santa and the reindeer watched with mixed feelings until it disappeared from sight. Santa gave a small sigh. Perhaps this could be the answer.

He waited anxiously for their return, unable to relax until he saw the sleigh reappear and land with perfect precision.

"How was it?" he asked eagerly, as he helped Mrs Claus out of the sleigh.

"Fine, I think. The flight, everything, went without a hitch." An odd expression crossed her face. "Just one thing though, there were some tourists outside in the snow looking for the Northern lights. I think they might have got a glimpse of us."

"Oh well, never mind, can't be helped. With any luck they'll think they imagined it." Santa spoke hopefully. Now that everything was going so well, he didn't want anything to spoil it. Retirement had never looked so close, or so good! Even Dasher and Dancer had stopped making snide comments about job automation.

The next morning, Santa picked up his laptop and began searching for cruises, especially those visiting tropical islands. He had had enough snow to last a lifetime.

Then a news item flashed across the bottom of the screen and Santa froze.
"Demon reindeer kidnap Santa!" screamed the headline.

"Their eyes were blood red!"" said a shaken Jim Collins, aged 50.

No, they weren't, protested Santa under his breath, it was their noses, idiots!

"They had taken Santa prisoner! I saw it with my own eyes," declared Moira Holt, aged 38. "He was sitting in the back of the sleigh. Goodness only knows where they were taking him!"

"And in the front, driving, was- well I don't know who or what it was, but it wasn't Santa. For one thing, he had no face and he was dressed all in black!"

No, he wasn't! I put the red suit on with my own hands! Though... perhaps if he was lit from behind – those wretched noses again! His front would have been in shadow...

Bob Ainslie, 45, has another theory. "Well, you know what you get if you write Santa backwards, don't you! Satan!!"

"Is this the end for Santa?" screamed the final comment

At this point Santa closed the laptop and buried his face in his hands. What absolute nonsense. This took fake news to a whole new level. And in any case, Santa written backwards was Atnas. Idiots!

Then he took a couple of slow, deep breaths.

Now, where had he seen that cruise to Vanuatu?