Mad Mike's Madder Mail

"Dude, 

I figure a man of your standing has contacts, yo. I bust my knee doing a little extreme fishing. Man, those Itchyosaurs are vicious shits. Thing is my insurance won't pay out, the bastards. Reckon you could put me in touch with one of your dodgy surgeon buddies?

I'll owe you big, man."
—Yours, the Extreme Prehistoric Fisherman

Son, I specialize in dodgy surgeon buddies. Seriously, it's my religion and my mission in life. Thanks to our glorious leader, President Von Trumpsky, Jr. the Ninth, our lack of affordable healthcare has made dodgy black-market surgeries a booming business. Who needs clean scalpels when you've got a hairy, six-hundred-pound psychopath hacking you to pieces with the same razor blade he used to shave his asshole?

Extreme fishing, eh? I've done my share of that. Nothing quite like blasting Slipknot from a boombox as you ride a beluga whale high on PCP and augmented with nanites that repeatedly give it brain cancer and then heal the cells, all while flailing around your head a leash that you attack the water with, attempting to leash frisky salmon during spawning season. It's fucking intense, and immensely fulfilling.

Anyway, your busted knee will be fixed in no time. My guy can even wrap your leg up and FedEx it to you after the surgery. Would you like the wrapping paper birthday- or Christmas-themed?

Give my regards to your beluga. Those Itchyosaurs love to cornhole belugas with their crab-infested snouts.

"Hey dude. Wassup, bro. Yo man.

So, me and my bro Antz were discussing which break is the most rad, has the meanest surf but we can't come to an agreement. I think it's those nitrogen babes on Titan, because they're faster because they're totally less dense or something and also if you fall off you like die and that's really meanage dude, plus you get really high when you get in a tube so it's like riding inside the balls of Jesus. But Antz prefers some gay reef break on Earth, which you must agree is totally lame, as water is boring and just doesn't flow the same, you feel me? The rides are slower, and plus after that massive nuclear thing in Japan, the sharks are all real horny and it's just not the same when you have to keep on stopping them from humping your leg. Plus, it's too safe. Too safe, bro. My grandma rides Earth waves. Antz is gay."

—Dude Broman the 9th

Yo, Dude. Tell Antz I said yo, bro. Anyway, I totes agree on the Titan surf, man. But my faveski is totally riding the craters on the Moon, dude. It's seriously, literally, out of this world, man. You gotta come by sometime and we'll go ride those, dude. Bring Antz and we'll run train on his ass.

"Dear Michael "MadMikeMarsbergen" Marsbergen,

I have followed your actions for quite some time, and, young man, I must say I am quite disappointed. I take offense to a notable number of your postings, including but not limited to:

a) Your usage of swears when such words actually detract from the overall message your tales are attempting, quite poorly, to instil.

b) Your insistence upon showing violent scenes to the reader, which only serves to desensitize them, thus compelling them to seek out increasingly violent works to "get-off to."

c) Your use of sex, drugs, alcohol and glue as foundations from which you obtain creative inspiration.

I will also be suing you for defamation of character. Have a wonderful day."
—S. Richards

Well, well, well. You're back again and all educated and shit, are you? Your supposed "case" against me makes me fuckin' laugh.

I'll have you know I've already got a binderful of obscene images, texts, sexts, letters, emails, doorstop shit, piss bottles, weird messages inscribed on human skin—all of them from you. If you think you're gonna get some money from me, buddy-boy, you're wrong... dead wrong. Don't fuck with me again, S. Get back to Buddhism and find yourself, shitbird.

Or I'll be forced to take action. Permanent... action.