Originally posted May 19, 2019

I've wanted to make this essay awhile, as it's a personal thing for me (I'll explain that later), but with the new anime coming out, I thought it was the perfect time to talk about Kyo's conflict in the first part of Fruits Basket, by this I mean the series finale of the original anime.

I have seen the anime maybe three times all the way through and read the manga maybe four times (currently reading it again, because, why wouldn't I just be constantly cycling through each form of the story, anime, manga, new anime, then manga again, then repeat).

The last time I watched the anime (all the way through) was near the end of last summer, and as I got to the end, I was taken aback when I reached the finale.

A note, the finale was generally hated by the creator of the manga, who was very disheartened with the direction they took. However, this mostly applied to Akito's story change, which I agree...was dumb.

"It must have been sad...to be told that you would one day die..."

Ha, honey, everybody dies, that makes no sense.

Anyway, that's not really what I'm focused on, rather, I'm talking about Kyo from the series, and how as I rewatched the show I realized that I related most to him and this made NO sense to me.

Personally speaking, I'm really nothing like him. I don't appreciate violence and avoid conflict whenever possible. I'm much more "in touch with my feelings", and I really value kindness and empathy as one of the most important things you can show another person. So. yeah, basically, I've always identified with Tohru.

Heck, she sort of inspired me with the way I act towards others. Back when I watched the show for the first time in 9th grade, I wanted to show that kind of love, kindness, and empathy she did when she interacted with the Sohma family. I mean, seriously guys, this was one of the most influential stories I've ever read/watched.

However, I felt so heartbroken watching the three episodes ending the anime, because Kyo's relationship with his mom reminded me all too much of what I was going through with my own. 

And now, for a way too personal anecdote about mental health (it's important, I swear).

You see, in February of last year, I began a long and painful journey of getting onto anti-depressants. Of course, what we didn't know at the time is that I had Bipolar 2 disorder, which meant that anti-depressants were a terrible idea! (However, if you don't have this disorder, and you are struggling with depression, then I would suggest you talk to your doctor about finding a medication that works for you. This has been your first Mental Wellness PSA, this essay/anecdote will have a lot.)

So, when you're bipolar, anti-depressants can bring some nasty stuff out of you. They can throw you into manic (or hypomanic since I have bipolar 2) episodes, but for me, they would make me catatonic and randomly cry in public for literally no reason.

This happened multiples times, and whenever it did, we'd all realize, "Well that didn't work, let's try another pill!"

I was on three different meds before they stopped, but it was while I was on the third pill when the main incident occurred (incident makes this sound so much worse than it actually was). 

(I'm the one in the far left corner, yellow jacket and blue backpack.)

Over the break, my family went to Europe. First Ireland, then England, and for a day we rode the train to Scottland. It was a dreary day, but it started out nice, my mom being the "let google plan your trip" type was set out to see the castle in the city we were in, Edenborough. We went the wrong way and walked what might have been an extra half-mile in the rain. We passed an art museum, and I suggested we stop there and have a look around, which my mother declined (we were on a mission! There is no time for art! Also, please don't let this demonize my mother, understand that she is trying to do the best that she can to help me throughout this entire story.)

When we finally get there, my mood had declined, and I was beginning to feel depressed. Depressed as in there was a hole in my chest, slowly growing. In fact, the rain started to burn my skin (my therapist later explained that this is either because my body was so numb that the sudden cold impact of water caused it to sting or that I am a witch. I prefer the second option).

It was crowded, wet, and my parents waited in line while I sat on a bench, my state of mind worsening. I just couldn't stop thinking, "Was anyone actually having fun?"

We got our tickets, went inside, and navigated the old building's awkward structure. As my parents led me to the next area, we had to worm our way through a spot between two corners of a building where only one could fit at a time. My parents slipped through, and I was about to as well when I realized that a group of people was waiting to go, led by a man sitting in a wheelchair absent a leg.

I step back, allowing them to pass, and in a soft voice, the woman pushing the man said, "Thank you," then went on her way with the rest of her group.

I suddenly felt like crying, and maybe I had a reason, but it didn't feel like a good enough one for a grown woman to be near tears in public.

Catching up with my family, we went inside one of the buildings, which daunted jewels and paintings and other things. It was packed, and I could feel the tears making their way out of my eye. I kept looking up, trying to stop it to avail and started to move away from my parents, who were now lost in the crowd and ignorant of what was happening.

I pushed through the crowd, tears falling from my face as I tried to maintain my composure until, finally, I was out of the building.

In a courtyard of some kind, in some kind of misty rain, I just started to sob. I trudged onwards, for only a few moments before an entire group moved towards me, one man, or maybe a woman (I was looking down, I never really gave any of them a good look) held onto my arm asking me, "Are you alright? Did you fall? Do you need help?"

It was difficult to find the right thing to say to a group of concerned complete strangers. So, I said, "I just cry randomly sometimes."

And their response couldn't have been better. It was this sigh of complete understanding. One woman even asked, "Do you need a hug?"

They continued asking me questions, like, "Are you here with anyone?" and just as I answered, my mom came rushing towards me.

She grabbed my arm in this tight way, thanking the group for their concerns, and saying that they had me, and everything was going to be alright. She ushered me to the nearest bench, sat me down, and the first thing she said was, "Did you take your pill?"

To be fair, she was referring to vistiril, an anti-anxiety medication my doctor suggested I take if I do happen to fall into depressant states. (And hey kids, it really works!)

The way she pushed water onto me was like me taking this pill was the only thing stopping a bomb from blowing up this hemisphere. As though getting the pill down quicker would speed this thing up. It was surreal, in a way.

Someone, maybe from the original group, ran over and gave me a tissue, and after that, me and my parents sat inside for a moment, in one of the more boring (quieter) rooms to talk.

I was still crying, but also laughing a bit, and felt much better. We all agreed the caste was a tourist trap and a dud, so we looked up the closest American restaurant (Five Guys) and had lunch.

They took me to the museum after, where my mom would ask me if I knew who was who (me being an art student), I didn't, but I might now, having finally taken my Art History courses (Gah, I'm such a nerd).

The day ended nicely, and there's no need to go on because that's all of the anecdote you needed to hear.

I really love my mom, so don't let this be some horrid criticism of her character, but sometimes, as a mom, you don't know what to do.

You don't know what to do when your adult child is crying in the middle of a castle (twice, I actually cried in two separate castles, I bet only me and the Queen can say that). Anyway, it's a tough situation, and I'll try to make the difficulties clear as I actually get back to Fruits Basket.

Now, actually back to Fruits Basket (Spoiler warning!)

Oh, Fruits Basket. Literally, resisting the urge to reread the manga right now, because finals, but I think I emotionally need to now more than ever. But anyway, back to Kyo, you don't need to know about the crap I'm dealin' with now.

Kyo Sohma is probably one of the most interesting characters of the anime. He comes off a bit tsundere, but I feel has a much greater depth than that, as his poor people skills come down to just a generally awkward and nervous nature and the belief (early on at least) that he's just not meant to be around people (same). He takes on the bulk of the curse among the other Zodiac animals (as the cat and all). That's not to say that the others don't suffer, but Kyo physically speaking takes on the greatest toll (well...Hitori turning into a sea horse must be no picnic, but you know).

If you haven't finished the original anime, or read past the first thirty-something chapters of the manga, or only seen the new 2019 anime to where it is now released, then spoilers.

Kyo has this whole deal where he has a "true form". Those beads he's wearing on his left hand? If those come off, then it's over.

Well, not really, his human for just goes away and he becomes this hideous monster that smells like death (Kyo is still in there, not like he actually becomes a monster on the inside) 

Picture from the manga, I know, he really just looks like a Pokemon, but that's beside the point.

The whole true form thing is built up a bit early on (Kagura almost spills the beans when she's introduced), and the 2001 anime made the whole thing pan out three episodes (as said before), but I'll try and summarize the entire thing quickly.

So, Kyo's curse not only carries the cat transformation but this "true form" as well, and without the beads, he becomes like this. The whole conflict is brought about when his master (and adoptive father), Kazuma, returns and hopes that exposing this form to Tohru, a girl who Kazuma believes Kyo loves and values (and whom feels the same, romantic or otherwise ((though it's totally romantic))), believing that her acceptance of this would be what Kyo needed.

So, against Kyo's will, he removes the beads and forces his true form out in front of Tohru. So, after completing his transformation, he immediately is like "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!" in a moment that actually really resonates with me to this day, and runs off into the woods. Kazuma says something, a small explanation for Tohru, before she herself runs off to find Kyo.

Here, is (sorta) where the anime decides to take this rather simple scene and make it a little murky. To help make this a better "finale", they had to pad in a bunch of crap so it could be a moment of closure for some of the other characters as well. This includes adding Akito and Shigure to the scene where Tohru has to stop chasing Kyo because, well, he literally smells like death and rotting so she had to throw up real quick. They also add what I find to be a rather unneeded scene where Tohru left to go visit her mother's grave (which sorta...makes the location feel weird) that way she could encounter her friends one last time before the series came to an end. Plus, Yuki wasn't even in the original confrontation, but you know, gotta have that closure.

But all that stuff aside, Kyo runs away, Tohru pursues, and we get to see Kyo's childhood.

While some time is spent in Kazuma's perspective, reflecting on how he adopted Kyo after his mother committed suicide and his father disowned him doing so out of guilt for never accepting his own grandfather (who was previously cursed by the cat). However, it's Kyo's flashback that intrigues me the most. 

Kyo and his mom

Kyo's mom committed suicide, and it was clear to everyone that this decision was likely influenced by the fact that her child was cursed with the cat (though later on it's more the abuse from his father). At a point in the show, it's established that parents of the cursed children are either resentful of their children or overly protective. Kyo's mother was deeply overprotective, and this was quite damaging to Kyo in the long run (though not at all intended by his mother).

Through Kyo's memories, we see her repeatedly keeping him inside, checking his arm to see if the beads were there, and telling him again and again, "It's alright because I love you" in reference to his problems (likely the curse and its effects on him).

Kyo, however, feels as though these actions show his mother rejecting this side of him, saying what she only thought she should say as a mother, and it seems as though he's right.

By saying that "it's alright because I love you", she's invalidating Kyo's problems, and constantly picking at his beads to make sure they're secure, avoiding any possible problem at all cost. She's avoiding (and rejecting) this side of Kyo, and that's the problem.

This, however, proposed the question:

What do you do when "I love you" isn't the right thing to say?

Think about it, "I love you" always seems like the catch-all phrase for any emotionally intense scene. "It's alright, I love you." Seems innocent, and it can be. You're trying to say that your love is here and it's more important than the problem. However, it sorta undermines the problem, saying that it's best to ignore it because you have someone's love. "All you need is love" right?

While this was used with good intentions, it only further alienated Kyo, he felt like his mother was rejecting a piece of him. A piece that he himself hated, but was apart of him nonetheless.

And here I'll draw back to my experience and try to explain my attachment to Kyo's character or, better yet, conflict. Admittedly, I hate my disorder and what it does to me. I hate what I become when either manic or depressed, but nonetheless, it's apart of who I am.

So I felt like my mother was rejecting that side of me that day, and many other times outside of that. Rather than try and understand what I was going through, she was quickly trying to cover it up.

As a quick note, in defense of both the mothers here, my own mother is on anti-depressants herself (not from clinical depression, rather she became very depressed after a family conflict) and was likely reacting from a place of her own concealed pain. For Kyo's mom, if you read the manga all the way through, then you'd have learned her husband was rather abusive towards her because of Kyo's curse and was likely so controlling because she didn't want to worsen her husband's abuse. This doesn't exactly excuse their behavior, but it does bring a greater understanding.

So if not "I love you", then what?

Tohru, however, provides an answer.

Her response to Kyo's form was different. Rather than spout "I love you!" (which, let's face it, any other shoujo manga would choose to do) she was honest and reacted towards what was happening rather than against it. She tells Kyo the truth, that in the moment she is frightened and even that Kyo doesn't seem familiar to her at the moment, but she wants to understand. Not "I understand" but "I want to understand". She's admitting she doesn't get it but wants to try, she wants to know and wants Kyo to share his pain with her so they can learn to cope together.

And, well, it's exactly what Kyo needed to hear, and I agree, it's a wonderful thing to say. It shows respect, acceptance, and hope to find some kind of solution. Tohru is asking for Kyo to rely on her, rather than just deflecting the problem by claiming she loves him, and that'll solve everything.

And this is the kind of thing that I'd needed from my mother and my other loved ones. "I don't understand, but I'd like to so we can figure this out together."

What to take away from this

I don't know why I need to say this, but please, please, don't say this to literally every sad person you meet. By this I mean, don't promise your attention to just anyone, because becoming a person another person is meant to emotionally rely on could be a lot of work and strain depending on who you're with.

But to those of you who are dealing with this kind of pain, of feeling that people are trying to push aside your pain as irrelevant because "love", or you are those people, then I hope this helped get something across to you. Maybe this helped translate some of the super confusing anxiety you're experiencing over this topic, or maybe this just came off as weird. That's okay too.

Thanks for reading and (well) making it this far into the incredibly long post. Above all, I hope if that you are in need of help and understanding from others, that you get it. Also, go watch the new Fruits Basket.

Actually, straight up, I love the new series thus far, and I definitely recommend the English Dub because they used most of the original voice cast and it really helps drive the nostalgia of the original series, making the new looking characters feel more familiar.

Again thank you for reading this stupidly personal blob of nonsense. I hope this could mean something for you like it did for me. Also thank you Fruits Basket, for just presenting a narrative that goes beyond just love, but understanding one another's pain.