@Navy-Knight825

Chapters read: Prologue - Chapter 2

Title:
I like it! It's short and catchy and I can see it's relation to the story as I read on. Nice job!

Cover: 8.5/10
It's a good cover! Intriguing but then again I really like pirate ships. I think the font could be more fantasy-y though.

Blurb: 6.5/10

The blurb is okay. It gets the job done but I believe it could be more poetic and attention-grabbing.

This is a little nitpick but I'd suggest making it fuller like for example saying "more desperately than (even the most beautiful woman)" to emphasize just how much the old captain wanted it.

(Also it seems the jewel is central to the plot but when she received that letter it didn't seem that important to her. Perhaps have her react more excitedly?)

Back to the blurb you had me until the end. The last sentence just shouldn't be there and if you really want to add it you have to rewrite the last paragraph because it really throws everything off.

If I read this blurb would I read the book? I can't say 'definitely yes' because there's just no WOW factor there for me.

Opening paragraph(s): 9/10
See under PROLOGUE.

Miscellaneous:
The character profiles are nice! (I imagined the other captain with black hair idk xD)

I didn't see the character aesthetics at first but they are brilliant! I love them! Okay I'll stop gushing but they are very well done. A nice touch!

Punctuation and grammar: 7/10
Some errors but nothing a read and edit through can't fix.

Plot: 7.5/10
I'm enjoying it so far, there's just a bit too much telling for me and so it feels like I'm being told the story not like I'm living it right beside Aeryn.

Pacing: 9/10
The pacing is very good! It doesn't feel rushed
and I didn't get bored at any time. Well done!

Characters: 7.5/10
I gave it a seven because I felt I was starting to get to know Aeryn in chapter one and then bam three years later. Obviously she'd have changed quite a bit and since I don't really know what happened in those three years, for me, there was a very big disconnect in her personality. Done right though that may not be a bad thing so just make sure you're careful about it.

What pushes it to 7.5 is the Captain. Well done with him! I mean he's trash but he's very well written trash xD

Creativity: 6.5/10
I only read the first two chapters and nothing has really WOWed me but it's still early and I'm sure you have twists coming.

Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I really enjoyed it! I love pirates and it was very well paced and well written, nice job!

PROLOGUE

The opening paragraph is nothing special but then BAM the second paragraph reels me all the way in, nice hook!

"He found it in his newlywed wife named Aisha."

This line really bothers me, I think you can get rid of the 'named' because it makes it sound like it written by a child. (I'm sorry) But so far I'm really enjoying it!

I like how you begin to reveal the mechanics of the curse, but some of the lines sound really juvenile like this one:

"If only he could have cursed the Curse-Maker who bestowed upon him the greatest of burdens."

But they're easy fixes, just removing or adding a word or two so like "the Curse-Maker, the wicked being that had bestowed upon him the greatest of burdens." instead. Just a suggestion anyway.

I like the little bit of characterization and I like that we actually see the relationship with him and his wife but it almost feels like we're 'overtold' how much he loves his family. Let us see for ourselves.

His death is very, very underwhelming. You didn't tell us how it felt when the metal pierced the tan skin of his neck, a cascade of blood trickling down into his shirt or how his eyes widened as the blade sunk into his skin. Those are just examples, of course, but you need to give us more there.

The banshee-scream comparison was very clever xD Nice!

I feel like their reactions to the death were very compressed. You should expand on it a bit more and flesh it out so it's more realistic and, therefore, more moving.

I really like the prologue but it just feels so... devoid. Of emotion, of description. So my suggestion would be to flesh it out.

I like the little thing about her messing up Anna's name, nice bit of characterization!

Also, dialogue tags! Use them!
"She giggled"
"he said, his eyes bright but his voice quavering"
"she replied"
What does everyone have against dialogue tags??!? xD

CHAPTER ONE

Oooh I like this already! Really nice opening line and I also really like the poem. Bravo! *chefs kiss*

"Aeryn Branche stood on the port, waiting for the captain to arrive. She waited for at least half an hour before the captain finally showed up, sashaying like he owned the place."

I'd suggest saying 'he' instead of 'the captain' the second time, to avoid repetition

The note about his voice is very good! Those little details are what make the best characters.

"He chuckled, expecting his crew and Aeryn to laugh, but she remained silent. Her fist curled up behind her dress, as angry as she was with the captain's comment. Did he forget women are human just like men? That, or he never knew they were human as well."

Her curling her first to show her frustration is good but it's counter-intuitive to now *say* that she's angry. It takes away from it, in my opinion. I'm not saying only show, I just feel like in that specific case showing was enough.

Also I think the leap between his comment and her reaction is a bit too large. Nothing he said would make her think he doesn't see women as humans. That may truly be what he thinks but she couldn't possible glean that from his first statement alone. Maybe mentioning that he often made statements like that would help reduce the jump.

"Aeryn did not know how to behave. Should she bow? Curtsy? Or, best of all, should she punch him?"

Now *this* is good. I'd say remove her thoughts, the paragraph about her wanting to ask him, and the woman human comparison and go straight to this. Or like minimize those bits. Perhaps also say 'react' instead of 'behave'.

"Such a large lie she'd spoken...Such a lie would either make or break her coming days.

The time Aeryn remained in his service, the captain of the Maiden's Cross made her work like a cow, a donkey, and everything in between."

I assume you were using that first bit to kind of like shift the focus into the future and if so I'd recommend saying "Such a large lie she'd spoken. A lie that she would repeat to herself many times over the course of the next few years."

Just try and mention something about the next few years or something.

There were some very well written lines so well done with that! And I love that you italicized the 'entertain' to show us the hidden meaning and the descriptions of her life on the ship are very good! But there is a lot of telling. I'd suggest adding a flashback so there's at least a little bit of showing. The line about her birthday with a bang is SO CLEVER! Well done!

I noticed a wrong tense, but only once. And quite a few spelling errors. Plus, where are the dialogue tags?!?! They are so helpful!

I'd suggest adding a few 'had's as this like her telling us about the past. "He HAD gained a shimmer of redemption and, PROMPTLY, ruined it."

Very good characterization of the Captain and Aeryn, like with the little story about her brother.

I quite like the pacing of the chapter and the descriptions of the other ship and the captain and her drowning are very good!

"The few copper pieces she earned went to her brother, her father, and her pregnant mother, but it did not bother her.

She merely wanted to see the face of her unborn sibling, wanted to experience what being an older sibling would be like."

I'd suggest combining those two paragraphs so they flow better and replacing the second 'sibling' with 'sister' to avoid being repetitive.

"Just as her eyes closed, arms wrapped around her. The water in her lungs shot out of her and air went right in.

The arms binding her to a figure behind her narrowed her ability to move."

I'd also suggest merging these chapters.

The reveal of the siren was very well written! And I LOVE the way the siren talks!

It seems a bit unrealistic that after drowning she'd have the energy to run. Maybe add "she dashed forward, ignoring the wobble of her legs and pain in her chest" to make it a bit more plausible.

"As a child, her family's victories became hers, and her victories were not recognized as victories. They were recognized only as her completion of duty."

The idea of her victories just being duty is good but the "her family's victories became hers" doesn't really fit. It has a positive connotation, like her families triumphs were her triumphs too and I don't think that's what you meant.

Also, I'm assuming sirens are common knowledge because Aeryn wasn't at all surprised.

The description of their life on the island is good!

"Anyone, man or woman, who was able to hear the song and get attracted to it were people drowning in a sin. The sin of lust. And that person would never be capable of true romance."

I really like this but it's a bit awkward. I think firstly it should be "Anyone, man or woman, who (heard the song and got attracted to it was drowning in a sin.)" Because 'who was able' sounds like it's a skill and 'get attracted' is the wrong tense.

I'd also suggest just saying "Lust." as a one word sentence. I'd also suggest adding 'again' after 'never' to make it clear that it's because of the siren song.

"It also seemed the sinking of his ship and the death of every onboard did not plague her thoughts or dreams. It discharged her from her nightmare. Another three years on that ship would have broken her."

This is also a bit off. I think just straight up say that the sinking didn't plague her. The "It also seemed" isn't doing you any favors.

And "every(one) onboard"*

The end is so anticlimactic. I'm sorry but it was very underwhelming. I like the idea of her wanting to thank him and curse him but she never once mentioned that she was upset about the paycheck until then. It was just too abrupt.

I'd suggest ending it with a bit of foreshadowing like "She wished she could thank whoever sank Captain Sheries ship. And you know what they say: be careful what you wish for."

That's obviously a bit cliché but it's just a suggestion because the current end is not working at all.

CHAPTER TWO

(For more detailed advice on the rest of your story, I also have a beta reading book you can check out on my profile.)

I really like the beginning but saying her age like that doesn't work. You don't even need it because it already says three years later.

So far we've had two paragraphs with lots of telling and not enough showing. I understand you're just getting the story going but there needs to be a balance. That's why I'd suggest adding a few flashbacks. I liked the way you revealed a bit of her backstory, though, nice!

There were a few punctuation errors and another lack of dialogue tags though.

"Aeryn wanted no part of doing anything. In the last three years she worked like a donkey, to become captain and she expected to get at least three years of rest."

The first line is a bit awkward. Perhaps you could say "Aeryn didn't like something. Something meant stress, something meant work. In the last three years..." too make it clearer.

The description of Erel's hands would work better if you started it with "Aeryn remembered" so "Aeryn remembered watching Erel hold a pen for the first time. Her hands were webbed..."

This chapter had a much better end!

(I was looking at your book and I realized that you changed a few things between the writing and the posting of this review. I added a bit about the aesthetics but I left everything else as it was so for example the cover review is about your old cover. Thank you for reviewing with me!)