@LunarPrincesse

Chapters read: Chapter 1-4

Title:
It's interesting, not super intriguing but curious enough to make me wonder what the story's about.

It's not a typical fantasy title but that's definitely not a bad thing.

Cover: 7.5/10
The cover does it's job. I really like the *idea* of it but I feel like the execution could be better. I also always suggest using your name or a pen name as that looks better than using a username.

Blurb: 4/10
One word. Short. It's soo short. I don't like super long blurbs but this is giving us so little ;-;

That being said if you're going to have a really short blurb then EVERY word needs to work. A world full of magic is nothing special, tell us the world's name. Tell us why YOUR story is the one we should read. Use more powerful words not just "important", etc. I'd definitely suggest giving it some more body though.

There are also a few errors and there's no reason for that since the blurb is three sentences.

"In a world full of magic, the (twelfth) of (M)ay is an important day for every (fourteen year old)."

There's nothing technically wrong with saying "12", the general rule is just that numbers under 100 are written in word form.

The last two lines are also kind of repetitive. I'd say replace "discover" with a synonym in the second sentence.

I was going to give it a five but the grammatical errors knocked it down a notch :(

So I've started reading the story and the blurb is really not doing enough. We have nothing about the characters, the challenges they'll face and so on. The blurb needs to be doing more.

Opening paragraph: 4/10
See CHAPTER ONE below.

Punctuation and grammar: 3.5/10
I'd really, really recommend getting an editor. I noticed a lot of errors and tried to point them out where I saw them.

Plot: ???
I cannot judge the plot because so far I cannot see one. Usually I'd have gotten an idea of the plot from the blurb but nope. Because of that I cannot judge the plot development either. I have no idea where the story is going, what Adely's goal is, etc etc

Now let me expand on this, I'm not saying you don't have a plot. I'm just saying it's unclear to me. If her goal or maybe the main obstacle had been mentioned in the blurb then I could properly judge but as of now I cannot.

Pacing: 7/10
I say seven because a lot of scenes felt... not rushed but more like we didn't get enough time to actually enjoy them. This isn't necessarily a pacing problem but more of a description issue.

I don't really know where else to put it xD For example, with the ceremony. The speed at which it went was fine but there was very little description so it was hard to really immerse myself into the scene.

Characters: 4/10
I say four because we haven't really seen any of their motivations or distinct personalities. Even with Ellias and Adely's friendship I haven't really seen any evidence that they are really close (excluding the fact that he just ran away to England with her. That would have been a big thing but it just felt a bit too unrealistic for me to really say "okay yes it shows how close they are").

Creativity: 6/10
The magic system seems cool and I like the idea of only certain types of magic being banned. But besides that nothing else really WOWs

Overall enjoyment: 6/10
I did enjoy it but the grammatical and punctuation errors made it very hard to read. Get yourself an editor, slap on some more description, introduce a clear plot and you've got yourself a reader!

CHAPTER ONE

The opening paragraph is nothing special just because it's what we've already been told in the blurb.

I'd also really recommend writing numbers as words.

The bit where you listed the powers? No, uh uh. I'd *highly* suggest you give that it's own chapter before the story begins instead of smacking it into the first chapter. There are also a few inconsistencies with how they're written so I'd suggest taking a second look at that (like with capital letters and all that).

I did notice quite a few punctuation and grammar errors and I pointed them out where I did.

I'd suggest having "the Gifted" be capitalized as it's a title of sorts.

I'd also say you shouldn't put "(Magical City)" when explaining. You can always tell us that later.

The first few chapters were all tell and no show and I know you want to introduce the world but that's not the best way to go about it as we, the readers, don't actually get to see and understand the world for ourselves.

"I brush my short blond hair and I put on an emerald dress. My mom think it look perfect on me but I would have preferred to wear jeans, to be in my comfort zone. I've never like wearing dress, I've always been a pants kind of girl. Today I'm wearing a dress because I know my mom will be happy."

That's the first bit of showing we've seen but I think it could do more. Don't just tell us she wants to wear jeans, tell us about how she frowns in the mirror then gazes longingly at the pair of jeans that lay discarded on the floor. That way you also describe a bit of the setting and a bit of her character as well (eg whether the jeans are folded neatly or strewn about like in the example I gave.

If discovery day is the official name I'd also suggest capitalizing that as "Discovery Day." Same thing for "The Middle."

"We have to go to the centre of the city" should start a new paragraph.

There's an open place that we call "The middle" (Yeah, it's original, I know. I am so creative, Not...).

Is that bold bit you, the author, talking? If yes, I'd refrain from doing that as it breaks up the flow of the narrative. If it's the girl thinking then it shouldn't be in brackets or bold.

Every 14 years old go there to find out their destiny. My is easy to guess.

Both of my parents come from the same category so it's almost sure I will be in the same as them.

That bit isn't necessary because you've already told us that. It's just repetitive.

Rather than saying her last name starts with a "V" why not seize that opportunity to tell us her last name (and first name too actually as we still don't know her name).

And rather than just telling us what the ceremony is why don't you describe it as she watched Ellias undergo it. Show *and* tell.

I'd suggest describing her powers in greater depth. You did a good job showing us she sort of lost control but the descriptions of the powers barely scratch the surface.

I don't see how Ellias would be able to reach her if she has a forbidden power and guards are literally coming to arrest her so you might want to rewrite that bit to make it a bit more realistic.

The concept is very cool but there was wayyy too much telling. We don't need all the information by the end of the first chapter. You can reveal how the world works as we read through.

"Ellias come next to me and put in hand on my shoulder. I look at him and, without a word, he just points guards with guns and Taser. They want to stop me, lock me in a prison cell. I'm to dangerous. Apparently, the liquid is not done with making me discover my power. I snap two of my fingers and teleport my self and Ellias, who still had his hand on my shoulder, in a forest. I don't have 4 power, I have 5. And everyone wants me lock up or dead. I'm to powerful."

"Ellias come(s) next to me and put(s) (a) hand on my shoulder. I look at him and, without a word, he points (to) guards with guns and (t)aser(s). They want to stop me, lock me in a prison cell. I'm to(o) dangerous. Apparently, the liquid is not done revealing my power(s). I snap and teleport (myself) and Ellias, who still ha(s) his hand on my shoulder, (to) a forest. I don't have (four) power(s), I have (five). And everyone wants me lock(ed) up or dead. I'm to(o) powerful.

The line in bold is repetitive as it's already been mentioned. That very last line I didn't say was repetitive because it appeared to be repeated for emphasis unlike the other bit.

It wasn't a bad first chapter but the last paragraph was almost unreadable. If I wasn't reviewing that would have sent me packing :(

CHAPTER TWO

She keeps referring to the power as 'forgiven' not 'forbidden'. Is that deliberate?

I saw at the end you put an A/N explaining but you shouldn't have to do that, it should speak for itself. It was obvious enough to me but a much easier fix would be to, like I said, have them call her name at the ceremony.

Chapter two is very short, so I'd suggest just adding it to the end of chapter one or beginning of chapter three. That's just a suggestion :)

Honestly, nothing much happened this chapter. It didn't do much in terms of progressing the plot. My advice still stands, you really should get an editor.

CHAPTER THREE

If 'battle of power' is an event it should be capitalized as "Battle of Power."

I'd suggest adding more descriptions like describing the forest they're in, their voices as they talk, what teleporting feels like, just to flesh things out a bit.

This chapter was cool but so far the book seems like an outline to which all the details are to be added later. If that's the case then that's fine, I'd recommend going back to chapter one and filling in details along the way, making the world more robust maybe after you've finished writing the outline.

CHAPTER FOUR

The listing thing is not it. If you really want to list everything in there I'd suggest making like a packing list graphic and inserting it at the end of the chapter, just as a fun little bit. I think that would also add a nice, unique touch to your story. If not I'd really suggest removing the list still.

ALSO I just realized she just left her family. What's up with that? It's very unrealistic, at least show us that she thinks about it a bit or something to make it more believable.

For the description of her duel with Kayden I'd suggest avoiding the words "I'm making" or "I make" as it kind of puts a barrier between the reader and the story.

Instead of saying "I make my water ball crash against the ground causing wave to crash everywhere. I make them stop right in front of the bench making a water wall between the people and me and Kayden."

Just say "I send a water ball crashing" and "I stop them right in front"

I like the end with her passing out though, nice bit of tension.

My advice is the same as for the previous chapters. I hope you found this helpful!