@AkoOku

Chapters read: Chapter 1 - 3

Title:
The title is just a title. There's nothing really special about it.

And after reading the blurb I feel like the title could be doing more.

Cover: 5.5/10
The cover isn't *bad* I just can't really see it's correlation to the title or blurb. Also I feel like the subtitle could be more powerful.

Blurb: 8/10
To be honest the first two lines don't really do it for me. What I would suggest is saying something like "Those seven words changed Debbie's life forever. (Again)."

And I say that because I think her lost memories are the real moneymaker. That's what makes your story different and it's what would push me to choose YOUR book to read.

I really like the second part of the blurb. The only other thing I'd say is that Debbie's name is said twice in two consecutive lines and it just seems a bit repetitive to me.

Also I'd suggest saying "her old boyfriend" just to make it clear. And in the second bit it technically should be "Will her ex-boyfriend"

I really like the three questions and I don't particularly like the ending lines. I think you could just end it with the three questions.

Opening paragraph: 7/10
See CHAPTER ONE below.

Punctuation and grammar: 7/10
It was an 8 but there was a 'Your' where a 'You're' should have been, more than once *shudders* (Don't mind me xD)

Plot: 6/10
Now I say 6 because while the story is progressing nicely I am *confused* Yeah I don't get it. If she's been to the school before then why don't her parents or Nathan ever mention it? And I understand Michie not remembering because maybe she wasn't there but does nobody else remember her? It's all very unclear to me and not in a things-are-being-revealed-slowly-and-i-can't-wait-to-find-out way but in a did-i-miss-a-chapter-or-a-whole-book way.

I went back to the blurb but I still can't figure it out so please reply this explaining xD Regardless this isn't a question I should be asking so I think either the blurb needs to be edited or it needs to be made clearer in the story.

Pacing: 9/10
The pacing of *the chapters themselves* is brilliant! However, like I say below, them being shipped off to boarding school was quite abrupt.

Characters: 9/10
9 because I think all of them even Michie and Raymond and Jason that we just met have very distinct voices so well done on that!!

It's not a 10 because for me their parents were a bit washy-washy, I couldn't really see their clear characters. Also see all the notes I made about Nathan and Debbie's relationship below ;-;

Creativity: 7/10
Children being shipped off to boarding school is nothing new but her memory loss is an interesting twist. However due to my mass confusion I cannot honestly give you higher than a 7 :c Maybe when I understand it I'll be able to rate it more completely xD

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
Your writing is top notch. There are all the things I like like dialogue tags, showing AND telling, mysterious boarding schools but I do not like being confused :(

CHAPTER ONE

The opening sentence is just *okay*. It does it's job by opening the book. I'd suggest just saying "Debbie!" because then there's a bit of suspense as we don't know who's calling her.

The first real paragraph is good. I like the description of her room.

I noticed a few missing commas and pointed some of them out.

So far I like that you describe a lot, there's a nice mix of showing and telling but you have to be careful with your descriptions. For example,

"I opened my cream coloured door with a sign saying 'No boys allowed' where my brother used a permanent black marker and put a dot between the words no and boys so now it says 'No. boys allowed'."

The description is a bit convoluted to me, it just seems to go on and on. If you do want to do such a long description for just a door then I'd suggest adding a bit of action like "I opened my cream coloured door, the 'No boys allowed' sign swinging as I closed it firmly behind me. Well, the 'No. boys allowed sign.' I rolled my eyes as I skipped down the stairs, remembering by brother's stupid grin as he stood beside the door, marker in hand. 'Welcome to room number boys allowed' he had laughed."

Obviously that's much longer but I feel like it's fuller and less hollow while somehow also being less convoluted. I also feel like it allows for a bit of characterization. Just a suggestion anyway.

I like the bit about him still torturing her xD It was very well-written and it made me chuckle. Nice job!

"As I stepped out of my small room, the scent of slightly burnt toast and scrambled eggs swam into my lungs and settled on my stomach leaving me wanting more."

This is a nice description! The only thing I'd say is it should be 'making my mouth water' or something because she can't want *more* if she hasn't had any.

The description of her brother is also very good if not a bit too nice. I like how you don't just say "He had black hair and green eyes' THANK YOU! However, it sounds like he's being described by a starry eyed girlfriend not a little sister (sorry ;-;)

I like the bit about her immediately understanding the challenge. It's a nice bit of characterization. I like that I can already see how close they are, good job! AND THANK YOU FOR USING DIALOGUE TAGS!

I didn't really understand the bit about the slap but I'm assuming Nathan did slap her. It wasn't very clear.

Her punching him just seems... wrong. With her dad throwing Nathan off, Nathan slapping her and now her punching him the violence seems a bit exaggerated and unrealistic.

And now he smashed her face into the plate and their dad just watches? It just doesn't sit right. (I did like that you sneakily told us her skin colour.)

Their argument was well-written.

"He stood up too, he's height above mine by about two inches allowing him to give off that intimidating vibe. I stepped closer to him and pointed my index finger at him. "You could've killed me."

Is that meant to be "his height"? I think that whole sentence needs to be edited.

Like I said, I like the whole sibling rivalry thing they have going on but this a bit excessive what with everything being a competition and him literally using her face to break a plate. Unless you were deliberately going for a toxic sibling relationship vibe, which is the direction it seems to be heading in honestly :(

I like the little bit about them putting away the groceries. See for the most part I really like their relationship, you've done a good job showing their closeness. I just can't deal with the excessive violence and I feel like the constant switching from fighting to friends is a tad exaggerated.

Okay I really like their sibling relationship (I say this after reading the bit at the end with them interrupting their mom xD) which is why the issues I listed above are even more upsetting :(

CHAPTER TWO

' "Alright children, be on your best behavior," my dad spoke from inside the car, momentarily hindered from my thought process.'

It seems like there are typos in the last bit.

Them going to boarding school was a bit a abrupt but it was well-written so I can't really complain xD

The dialogue is good and the descriptions as well. There's a very good mix of showing and telling. I did notice a few punctuation errors, like commas where full stops should have been but those can be easily fixed by reading through and editing.

I like the cliffhanger at the end!

CHAPTER THREE

I think it's generally better to write numbers less than 100 as words so "Three exhausting hours later." It just looks better.

I agree with another comment that "vociferated" is a bit much. I get wanting to diversify your vocabulary but you have to be careful not to overdo it because then it looses it's effect.

I didn't understand the last bit with Raymond. Why did he ask why Debbie was there? He just rescued her from Jason so he knows she goes to the school. (WAIT DID HE ASK WHY SHE WAS THERE BECAUSE HE REMEMBERED HER?) Okay, ignoring that outburst, his question just doesn't really add up for me. Maybe if he had said "Who's this?" but personally I think a "We meet again" or something would make the most sense if we take him standing up for her as their first meeting.

Overall it was a good read - I really like your writing style and your descriptions and dialogues are well done.