@OnyxWriting

Chapters read:
Chapters 1-2

Title:
It's curious in a good way. 

Cover: 8.5/10
It's good! Very well done and I think it sets a good vibe for your story. The only thing I'd say is I think the font could be doing more.

Blurb: 7/10
I like the quote in the beginning but I think a few too many things are listed. Or if you want to leave them all in I'd suggest rephrasing it like "Our very bones are stained with sin and scorched with fire, broken by betrayals and soaked with blood." It's almost like there's one description too many right now.

Actually I really, really like the quote. It draws me in. I'd just say maybe "it will be all the more (delicious) when we rip them" maybe matches the mood better? Instead of fun idk

With the second paragraph I have the same advice. There are a few too many things. You don't need to say it's passed down AND everywhere AND in every universe AND like no other AND will never be weakened. Just like three things will do just fine.

And the "Until it is" should technically be "Until it does" because you mean Until it does end.

I like the blurb I do but towards the end it gets really confusing. You have to remember that Varkeshia and Varsillias are new terms for the reader so you have to be very careful when using them. Is Varsillia a place? A family? I don't know and it makes the blurb confusing to read.

That aside it was very intriguing and I'm excited to see where your story goes.

Miscellaneous:
The Invocation is cool but if you're going to give us a random mass of text it has to have some wow factor. A tale of a girl like us but magic isn't really anything special. My advice would be to make it a bit more poetic, like the first paragraph of the blurb was.

"Let me tell of a girl who was all alone and strong all the same."

After reading the epicness of the blurb a sentence like that makes me feel like I was ripped off. "Let me tell of a girl who wore loneliness like a crown, and for that simple reason was stronger than ten thousand legions." Kill us with poetic essence!!! Okay don't but you get what I mean xD

The High Houses concept is very cool.

Anderson Nivirah- former head of house  Haley Nivirah- Current head

But the inconsistency irks me. That should be capital 'f' 'Former'. Inconsistency to me looks juvenile so I'd suggest making them all small letter or all capital (capital please).

And maybe putting the House names in bold.

I only skimmed through but I saw some very cool terms so good on you.

However, I shouldn't have to read through a glossary to understand the blurb. I understand now that Varsillia is a place so I'd suggest saying "until all the High Houses in Varsillia rebel" to make it very clear.

Okay I'm sorry I'm going on a tangent but the Varkeshians (I'm assuming Varkeshia is another country) are mentioned at the beginning and the end of the blurb, but the middle seems to about a civil war?

Your story clearly has a lot going on but you don't have to tell us EVERYTHING now. I've mentioned before, there's a very thin line between intriguing your readers and confusing them.

Having your readers be house members is BRILLINT though! I love it, it's really unique.

The challenges are a really cool unique idea, although I think they're cramping up the book a bit.

Opening paragraph: 7/10
See CHAPTER 1 below.

Punctuation and grammar: 6.5/10
I noticed quite a few moments when a comma should have been a full stop and vice versa so I'd recommend a full, thorough review. And (this is a personal pet peeve) a lot of letters that should have been capital but weren't and vice versa.

I also noticed some tense changes so watch out for those

Plot: 6/10
I like the idea but I can't get over the sheer amount of telling. I feel like I'm missing out on actually getting to experience the story.

Pacing: 7/10
I really enjoyed the bits with dialogue, they were well paced. However, there were quite a few times we just seemed to be in Evelyn's head and the story wasn't really moving forward.

Characters: 4.5/10
You asked at the end of the chapter whether this gave us a good feel of Evelyn's personality. Firstly, I didn't even know her name was Evelyn. Despite being stuck in her head I can't really say I know her well. She seems detached from her families deaths but not in a way that it's her personality but because of a lack of description. Even if she is detached you need to describe that detachment.

What redeems her for me is the bit at the end of chapter one where I can see she values her freedom more than revenge. That's pretty much it, but it was a good bit.

There are times she talks about putting on a mask but honestly I don't know her enough to know her or the mask she's putting on.

Creativity: 10/10
The House system is very good but what pushes it to the top for me is allowing your readers be a part of the story, what with the weekly challenges and all. I haven't seen anything like it so well done!!

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
Like I've said I really like the idea and I really appreciate the amount of effort you put into the story. Add a bit more description and you might just get yourself another loyal reader. Well done!

(I'm not going to put an overall score because that's not what this is about but feel free to calculate it yourself!)

PART 1

I like it. It's different, it was fun to read, it was well written. Nice job!

CHAPTER 1

The opening paragraph is cool, if not a bit of a ramble. I'd suggest having "Darkness." as a one word paragraph to begin with and then continuing on in the second paragraph.

Like I said the first paragraph feels a bit like she's going on a tangent. Don't get me wrong, it sets a good mood but I just think it could do more for your story if you spread it out more. We don't need to know that she's locked up in the first paragraph, you can slip those details in as we go along rather than bunching them all up in the beginning. It was also a bit repetitive.

The revelation of her sister's death is very flat. If the last time she was in the open was her sisters death then I would think she would somehow associate outside with death.

Okay like let's say you talk about the darkness, then you say something like "My mind is foggy and my eyes don't see but I remember. I remember the way the wind tussled my hair and the sharp, metal taste of blood. The sun kissing my skin and their screams mingling with the birdsong. The last time I was outside was the last time I saw my sisters. Alive."

I just feel like you could do more with the sister's death.

Her questioning her identity seems very abrupt to me. I'd suggest saying she feels like she died along with her sisters, to give you an avenue for her identity crisis.

I noticed a few sentences that were too long and had a few too many commas, so I'd suggest doing a read through and breaking up some of your longer sentences.

"I do not know where I am or who I am anymore, I am so lost and so, so, tired. I have this feeling inside that is like a sinking rock, the weight pressing heavier and heavier by the second and this weight, it is a condemnation of what is to come. I can feel anticipation deep in my bones and now it is only a matter of waiting for the world to go to hell, and when it does, I will help it burn."

This paragraph is beautiful, okay, but it doesn't *move* me. Yes she's sad, yes life sucks but why? Her sister's died but even their death was mentioned so flatly that it doesn't do much. I'd suggest putting that wonderful paragraph somewhere else where it can do more.

Your prose is so beautiful but right now all I can see is a whole load of telling. One very easy way to fix this would be to weave some action into it. If she was having this inner monologue while being moved to a different place or something at least then you could describe the surroundings, the people around her, etc, in between the large blocks of thoughts.

Up until "As I ponder longer" nothing has happened to be honest.

"As I ponder longer, I start to hear distant footsteps, then see a distant shadow taking form. A minute later I see the faint outlines of a slender man with boney fingers, from what I can see. I can also see the outlines of a suit that looks to be tailored within an inch of its life and of the finest make."

Okay I just learnt about these things called filter words and idk if these count but I'm going to say they do anyway. Words like "noticed", "felt", "saw", create a barrier between you and the reader.

Don't say "I start to hear footsteps".
Say "Footsteps echoed through the stony halls."

Don't say "I see the faint outlines of a slender man"
Say "The faint outlines of a slender man appear before me."

Do you see what I mean?

Also you said "I see" then "from what I can see" almost immediately after. I don't think the repetition was necessary.

"Hello." he says this, and I can hear the slight purr in his voice, as if a predator looking down upon its prey.  

"What do you want," My voice is slightly raspy as I have not used it in ages.

Okay so firstly, comma after "Hello" because there is a dialogue tag and remember the thing about filter words? You can just say "he says, a slight purr evident in his voice." Then maybe "It sends shivers down my spine, making me feel suspiciously like the prey to his predator." Also why did you include the "this"?

It would be a question mark after "want" actually but if it wasn't it would be a full stop not a comma because the next sentence is not a dialogue tag.

Once again, show not tell. "Lack of use has made my voice raspy, the words like sandpaper against my throat." Or better yet, a mix of showing and telling.

I like the little bit about it being the face of a Wright, although it should be "It(')s".

I'd suggest adding something like "I frown, the darkness hiding my furrowed brows" before the Wrights tend to be more evasive thing so it doesn't seem to just come from nowhere. And maybe put it in italics to show it's a thought.

"If you think I'm going to help in your war, you'll have another thing coming."

Arrogance; another Wright trait."

This I do not understand. Is she trying to insinuate that he is being arrogant by asking for her help? If yes, it's unclear and I'd suggest adding a dialogue tag to clear things up.

'I wrinkled my nose as he spoke.

"If you think I'm going to help in your war, you'll have another thing coming," I spat, my disdain evident in my words. It was pride that allowed this man request such from me.

Arrogance: another Wright trait.'

Good use of a semicolon though!!

Okay now I still don't understand what everyone has against dialogue tags. PLEASE USE DIALOGUE TAGS. They make your writing so so so much better! Don't go crazy but I mean come on!

I enjoyed their conversation though (despite the lack of dialogue tags which made it a bit flat).

Okay see the second bit about her losing her family is much better.

"An idea suddenly come to mind; this is how I can get my freedom."

I'd suggest rephrasing this, it just sounds very awkward. Perhaps "An idea crept into my mind, growing bolder with each passing second. This, this ridiculous request, was how I would get my freedom."

Now when I say show don't tell I mean don't tell us that yay she could be free no more death and darkness. Describe the sudden adrenaline that burned her veins as she clenched her fists hopeful for the first time in stars know how long. You can still weave in those bits but they can't be all.

I noticed that you suddenly switched to present tense. You need to choose a tense and stick with it.

There was a nice bit of world building with her conditions, I quite liked that.

I did not see the point of her asking him the questions about the arteries, they were a bit too abstract for him not knowing the answers to mean something.

And I understand his reluctance with removing her chains, but seeing as their country is facing imminent destruction it's not realistic. If she (as we still don't know her name) is so bad and he's coming to her, they must be desperate so it just seems a bit off that he's so unwilling.

I think it would have been nice if you had kept Lyra's fate more of a mystery. I feel like it could be more dramatic somewhere else.

The end is just not it. I like the idea of ending with her chains being taken off and maybe even her calling Galen but I'd suggest leaving it there, on a high. Defining, because Galen was defined not described, just plunges it down again.

It was a good first chapter and the world seems really cool. My problem is that almost everything about the world was told, not shown.

Even little things like describing the chains, or the man's voice or the cell would give this chapter the boost it needs.

CHAPTER 2

I like *the idea* of the beginning of this chapter, but it sounds kind of like a child speaking, you know with all those convulated, faux-intelligent insults.

It would be even better if you gave a specific name like the Court or the Council. And technically it would be "were" if your story is in past tense.

I do hope you still start the paragraph with an insult though it was fun to read xD

Her ranting was nice but I think it went on for about four paragraphs too long. And it would be better if she was telling someone even if it was talking to herself in a mirror.

The thing about her spies felt like I was reading a wiki page. I'm really against just telling information like that and would suggest that you weave those details into the story as it's much more natural that way.

There was so much telling in this paragraph it was almost unreadable. It was basically her SAYING they've messed everything up but I will fix it. Nothing was shown, nothing was described.

Don't tell us she went to meetings, show us a meeting.
Don't tell us about her spies, show us a spy.
Don't tell us that she had an arguement, show us the argument.

Telling not showing is often called lazy writing and that's what it kind of feels like☹️ Telling is much easier but a good story needs both.

Your world building is amazing, that's indisputable, but like I said before everything I know of the world I have been told. I have not actually seen anything.

You don't need to say "Flashback". Please don't say "Flashback". The italics are enough.

DIALOGUE TAGS! USE THEM!

I'd suggest describing Luca's 'good genes'.

The end of this chapter was much better! Nice reveal! Nice SHOWING!

I want to expand on this a bit. Yes someone told us that Gavin was executed but that is different to Evelyn telling us. I hope you understand my point.

(I read the bit of chapter 3 before the flashback and the first thing that hits me is the showing. Well done!)